Mark
Thanks for responding. Actually a longer response sometimes leaves me more confused as it give so much advice it leaves my head spinning!! Straightforward & to the point is really appreciated.

SNM
His actions seem to be genuine. We are both smokers & every day on his way home from work he would stop to get cigs for us both. Since all of this happened, obviously that all stopped but the other night he came here w/ dog food (a huge bag), oil/gas for the snow blower (getting a considerable amount of snow the next day) & a pack of cigs for me (my BIL-sickoflimbo-joked nothing says love like a pack of smokes!!). The dog food sounds silly but I only have use of one arm due to a boating accident years ago & the big bags are hard for me to handle.

He is also starting IC this week & has spoken to is parents to try to rebuild that relationship. With all of these steps he's taking my frustration is mounting because I want some sort of commitment that he still wants this M to work. He has said this to others but not me.

I will give it time & see what happens. It's this "limbo" that I hate. If we are going to work on the M FANTASTIC. If we aren't, then as heartbreaking as it will be, let's not go any further & continue down the path that has already been started.

I want to know for my own sanity!!!

sickoflimbo is your BIL? How did I miss that?

This is possibly fear. When we are afraid of responses (or lack thereof) from people, we avoid that which would evoke those responses. Ask him about it. Let him know it's safe to talk to you.

TT,

Real commitment is demonstrated more than it is stated. Only actions count. Words can be twisted, turned into lies but actions speak for themselves.

Mark

Sorry you find yourself here, remember NOTHING we do justifies our spouses having AFFAIRS, NOTHING.

Here's a question for everyone--Since there was such a lack of communication w/in our M in the first place, How much communicating & exposure of your feelings do you share now?

I ask this because this weekend we had a family party on my H side that was quite a distance away. Saturday morning H called to say Hi & talk to te kids (H does every morning & evening). The kids asked if he will be @ the party, H said no b/c he had to work. When he asked to talk to me, said he would have loved to go to the party, but had to work & since he's not going, after work he's meeting up w/ his B/F or drinks. Instantly furious!!!

I don't mean to be a whiner but how infuriating is this!!!! I'm schlepping 3 kids across the state for his family's party & he's going out for drinks.

I didn't say anything to him that day (trying to avoid LB) but in speaking to him yesterday I must have had an obvious edge to my voice. When asked what was wrong I simply said nothing I was tired.

Isn't this lack of communication what we are trying to avoid? Speak openly & honestly. I'm becoming increasingly frustrated that HE'S THE ONE WHO HAD THE A & I'm the one who has to handle HIM w/ kid gloves!!!!

Sorry for the renting just pretty frustrated right now!!

I'd find a non-judging way to point it out. "I felt..."

I would feel the same, WTF...over. I often ask myself the same thing, my wife had the A's, why is it me that has to do all of the 'lifting' and such?

Our communications have improved vastly, but her A's were 21 years ago, so we were kids pretty much, and not that mature. I wish we communicated better however.

My wife often asks me whats going on in my head when she feels me start to get that look, or if she can tell I had just cried. I usually don't tell her, but she knows it was me thinking of her A's.

I still do not believe what she has told me about the A's...I just don't believe her.

Good Morning everyone

Good news!! H called last night & asked if he could take me out Friday evening for a drink so we could talk. I agreed. He later in the conversation said he's really looking forward to Friday & spending time w/me.

This, to me, is a step in the right direction. He asked if I wanted to meet him somewhere or if I wanted him to pick me up. Whatever I was comfortable with. I told him he could pick me up.

The Shock of the A is now over & I'm afraid of what emotions are yet to come. Prior to the A, everything about my H & related to him, I considered MINE. As silly as this sounds right down to his truck. I think of how he used his/our truck to pick her up to take her out & do whatever else they did in it. I think of how she sat in MY seat. Like she had every right to be there & how he let someone else feel it was ok to invade my space. Petty I know.

I'm figuring on telling him I'll just meet him wherever we are going or we could take my car instead.

My meeting w/ him makes me a little nervous as I'm not quite sure what to expect. I do have certain requirements in place to starting to work on the M.

1. N/C letter needs to be written. He says it's over w/OW but I have no proof.

2. Change cell phone #. This one will be extremely hard for him, as he has many contacts in his phone book due to work.

3. No privacy--full transparency

Are there any other suggestions? I know there are other things we will have to work on together, but for now I think these are a good start.

Maybe I'm jumping the gun here. We'll see.

Any other thoughts?

TTGO, These are a good start, but consider them baby steps.

The NC letter is a must. You must be part of the writing and sending it. He writes, you approve, you send (you can post here and ask for feedback). The cell phone is a good idea, too. Address book and contact information can be moved. This can be done by the telco (if you use the same provider), through third-party software, or manually. The difficulty should not be a barrier to doing this.

Depending on your own mindset, you may want to consider a polygraph. In cases of a PA, you must insist on a medical test for STDs and be provided with the results.

Whatever triggers might exist must be eliminated. Facebook? Delete the account. Work environment? Change it. His truck, replace it.

I think what you have to put in your mind is that there is nothing too extreme if you are going to save your marriage. We talk of "nuclear exposure." You should be no less determined when it comes to saving your marriage.

In A.A. we are told that anything we put ahead of our sobriety we are going to lose. It's the same thing with your marriage.

cod--It is very frustrating!! I have never ever thought about stepping outside of my M. Never wanted to be w/ anyone other than him & believe me there were many a chance to do so!!!!

I feel that since I didn't get the consideration & respect I gave him, Why then am I the one who's doing all the work here while he's trying to figure things out in his head?!!! What is it that you need to figure out?!! WTF is right!!

Right now I'm just biding my time to see where this goes. As I've said before this A was a huge eye-opener & I feel it has made me a stronger person.

I wish I had the right things to say to you to help make things easier. All I know is to keep talking!!! I know when something is bothering me, I say my peace we talk about it & I feel better. (I did finally tell him what was bothering me the other day. He was very understanding & apologetic that he put us in this situation).

Stay strong & keep working towards R!

Fred--Nuclear exposure? Can you explain more please?

I was already tested for any STD's everything came back normal.

I have thought about getting rid of the truck. I would think this would be quite comical to suggest this. He LOVES that tuck!!

Thank for the suggestions!

In Plan A, the "stick" portion is about exposing the affair to everyone, all at once. That's "nuclear exposure."

That's good for you, but what about him? HE needs to be tested. And YOU have to see the results. There is a twofold component to this: It's a protective measure, and it also serves to remind the wayward spouse of the extreme risk and consequences of having an A.

If he loves the truck more than he loves you, you already have your answer on how well you're going to recover this marriage, don't you?

I have exposed the A to everyone I can think of. That part is done.

Considering the history of this O/W, It will absolutely require a trip to the Dr's office for him.

I say this about his truck because he does love it & he's only had it for about 1 yr. You are right though, if he does put up a stink--that will speak volumes!!! Just can't wait to see his face when this is suggested!!! I'll kind of have an inside chuckle over this one.

OK Sorry everyone--I'm in a pickle right now Not quite sure what to do.

My H & I have made plans to go out this Friday evening to talk. He said he is really looking forward to spending time w/ me w/o any interruptions. So am I.

As silly as this is going to sound. I've been part of long standing group that meets 1x a month (buncco to be honest) & it's my turn to host @ my house that evening.

One of his problems in our M was that I didn't make time for him & everything else was more important than him. That being said, if I cancel on him for Friday night I'm sure I'll be sending that message to him again.

Everyone says I shouldn't make myself so readily available @ his 1st request especially when he didn't have the same consideration for me the past month or so. (example--I needed to take care of my older 2 kids & needed help w/ my youngest---I got the bum's rush to take care of what I needed to since he had plans that evening w/ friends---later come to find out of course it was spending the night in a hotel w/ his...well you know what I consider her!)

Any suggestions?

What's the pickle? Which is more important to you... your marriage or your Bunco game?

Have you read "Surviving an Affair"? Dr. H says that when a WS first returns home, the marriage pretty much is on hold while the WS goes through withdrawal. During that time you avoid lovebusters, angry outbursts, etc. Not fair, but that's the way it is. After withdrawal, then recovery can begin. The thing is, that your MB behavior WILL have an effect, even if you don't see it immediately.

Having said that, on your date, I would stay away from relationship talk UNLESS he brings it up and UNLESS it's specifically about him wanting to come home. THEN you can (lovingly) state what you need to see happen. Don't be dragged into a fault-finding conversation. Since you guys are having drinks, be careful. (I speak from experience, lol.)

The main thing is: NO EXPECTATIONS for now.

Don't play games by playing hard-to-get or by 'scheduling' working on your M. What he did or didn't do doesn't matter. YOU need be the stand-up advocate for your M.

Bunco...marriage...bunco...marriage. Huh-uh. I don't see the dilemma.

I did tell everyone that this isn't a game we are playing right now--it's our M &our lives as well as ou childrens. Although I understand what they are saying they aren't in my position as they have their husbands standing by their sides. I did cancel the bunco @ my house & switched w/ the host for next month.

I'm glad I did that before speaking to my H this afternoon. I sent him a text to see how he was feeling (has the flu). He called back right away & we started talking. Something was said about the OW & I asked if she has contacted him since he ended things w/ her. He said she sent him a couple of texts asking how he was & HE RESPONDED!!! I was instantly furious!!!! WHY WHY WHY??!!! He said he's trying to keep problems to a minimum---(supposedly she's a psycho, from what we hear.) I don't care what problems should arise from their "break-up". I just want it over.

The plan Friday night is to talk about us, from what he has said, I'm just following his lead on that one.

Trying, I really haven't been keeping up with your thread until today, but this "date" triggers me so much. My FWH took me out to let me down. That's when he told me he had decided that he wanted OW. He took me to a public place to avoid a scene. I hope this isn't what's going on with you, but with him responding to OW's text messages, I don't know. Seems like a to me.

Dr. Harley says there can be NO CONTACT with OP FOR LIFE. No excuses, no reasons, can override that. As long as there is contact, the affair is still on. Any contact is a "fix" for both of them. See what I mean?

Are you SURE this is over?

princess--

Wow I didn't see that one coming! Since we have been talking & things seen to be good between us I never gave that option a thought. He did say he is looking forward to Friday night & I took that as something good. I know he's a man that made a horrible decision/choice but I also know he isn't a cruel man. I would hope he wouldn't build me up w/ false hopes only to bring them cashing down on me yet once again!! I will go into Friday evening more guarded than I originally thought I should be.

Thank you for preparing me for the worst case scenario. I keep telling myself to keep the mindset that we are continuing down the path that has already been started (D). If it turns out that way then I was somewhat prepared. If not, & he wants to work hard towards R--then BONUS!! Great for us!!