I don't envy you, SW. This is complicated stuff for a 9 yo. I agree with ML in that the truth will give your son the best tools to deal with this. Regarding his feelings for and about his father, please explain to him that you can be angry with someone and you can disagree with them and still love them at the same time.

ITA that it does not matter that SW and her ExWH are divorced. This OW will always be just that, her DSs father's OW period.

And i do not think that her DS has to like this woman or anything else and if it interferes with his relationship with his dad then his dad is to blame for that too.

I would not want my children to think that just because we divorced it is okay for dad to be with the OW, i mean that is crazy IMHO......

I was in the very vocal minority when this thread was on MB101. I did refer to Melody in one of my posts, and I'm glad to see that my "guesstimate" about her advice was pretty spot-on.
This is NOT some woman your xH is dating. This is the AFFAIR PARTNER who played a role in the destruction of the family. The boy MUST know that. He MUST not go into this without all the information. If he finds out later that he befriended the enemy, I think he'd be very confused.
Sure, he can choose to FORGIVE the OW at some time, but she hasn't even asked for that, has she? She shows no remorse at all. The son should not just look the other way.
Until our culture puts more of a stigma on adultery, we'll continue to have people like Tiger Woods, Angelina Jolie, Mark Sanford, and the endless list of high-profile people who SEE NOTHING WRONG with infidelity.
Make them feel the stigma. Make them uncomfortable. They are the ones who committed this sin. They need natural consequences.
Interesting to see the number of folks from this forum who are not ok with letting the OW win...

No one said for her to tell her son it's ok now. We are just cautioning her not to pass along feelings of guilt and resentment from her side, to her son.

Why should she not pass on her feelings of resentment about this particular woman?

If she explains to her son that she feels a certain way but he does not have to feel the same way she does and he can feel however he wants and she will not be mad at him or upset or hurt or however you want to put it, but for her to just act like nothing is wrong about the situation after all this time i think would do more harm than good. I think her ds would be confused about it more if she suddenly "liked" this OW.

Yeah, see, that's what's getting me.
I mean, if the OW was DEAD, ok, go ahead and say something nice if you want. But this live skank has played a major role in the destruction of your life as you know it.
Why be nice? What purpose does that serve. Maybe the kid SHOULD be a little bitter. That way dad gets to see another unexpected consequence. Doesn't mean he's going to turn into a delinquent. He can just tell dad and skank that they're jerks.
Heck, it would feel good, if it was me.
Again, if xWH had chosen some new woman, my take is completely different.

ITA if it were another woman.....

Personally, it wouldn't matter to me if it was a different OW - since the divorce was caused by the initial adultery, and other OW would just be yet another adultery partner in my eyes...My beliefs are that a WS doesn't have the biblical right to remarry...His covenant with God remains until the BS dies - any other relationship is adultery until that time...

My .02...

Mrs. W

On one hand I agree with you, but on the other hand we put a lot of effort into teaching kids to be polite, use manners and especially not call other people names even if they really are a bully/stupid/meanie - or whatever typical kid-situation may bring on name calling. However, SW can (and should) still let DS know that she doesn't like the OW and that the OW has done a very bad thing (broken up the family), without outright calling her a homewrecker. It's entirely possible that OW may have a whole host of lovely and charming characteristics that DS will like about her - but it doesn't change the fact that she did this terrible thing. He needs to know this. Not all monsters are ugly on first sight.

Interesting take on this Mrs. W. Do you believe that the innocent spouse is also bound by that vow until death?

I believe our vow is broken and we are both free to move on now that the divorce is final. I believe the Bible clearly states adultery is grounds for divorce and remarriage.

That is a side point though I guess...my main concern is how to feel and talk to ds about this OW. You guys have been great. Good point whoever said that she hasn't even asked for ds's forgiveness.

Oh, I do think I figured out what might be going on though with OW and WxH wanting ds to meet her...the day that question was asked of him, ds was not scheduled to be with his dad. I had something to do and called X to see if he wanted ds. I bet WxH had plans with OW and her son and he had to cancel them because of ds. Hee hee....I bet that went over well...him telling her he had to back out because he couldn't introduce ds to her.

I wasn't saying SW had to be nice to or speak nicely about OW. She has already been very honest with her son about why the marriage broke up. Her son knows who this woman is. There's nothing wrong with that.

The gray area is figuring out how to allow her son permission to feel whichever way he wants to feel without feeling like he's going to alienate either parent. It's clear that SW's exH has his head up his you-know-where and won't give this much thought. So it's going to fall on her shoulders to try to ensure all the bad, ugly, angry and guilt-ridden feelings don't rain down on her son.

Sure, tell him how you feel. Honestly. But don't ask him to spy for you or report back to you.

When I was in the first grade, my mother had an affair. She eventually left my dad and married her affair partner. My father was heart-broken. He often talked about the man who broke up his family -- in very bitter, coarse terms that made clear how much he hated him. It taught me to avoid letting the conversation touch on that topic at all costs. On those occasions where it had to come up, it was horrible!!!!!!!

I don't know if I'm making myself clear, so let me try to state it again: My mother had the affair, but it was my father that I was most uncomfortable around, and it was because of the way he talked about the OM.

If I could go back in time (impossible) and reason with my father (probably just as impossible), I would tell him just how uncomfortable he was making me and ask him to stop.

My father loves me now, and he loved me then. I'm sure if you asked him, he'd emphasize that it was never his intention to make me uncomfortable. I know that. But he did. So very much. It's one of the worst memories of my childhood. I can honestly say it was worse than the experience of my parents' separation/divorce.

NO! I think the BS has every right to remarry, but the WS, no, I believe any relationship they enter would be considered adultery...

Mrs. W

I think thats a moot point, though, because he does not need anyone's permission to feel anything. He will feel what he feels and no one has any control over that.

He is not expected to like or approve of the OW, but he does have to treat those adults with respect. As a child whose father was also a corrupt man, when I grew up I always treated him with respect regardless of my feelings towards him.

It doesn't sound like your father ever spoke to his KIDS about their mother's affair, but only raged on and on about how she betrayed HIM.

I know I'm reading more into your story than you wrote, but my point is that I think it's important how kids are told. Your father sounds as though he didn't know he was poisoning the well, or didn't care.

When my xW and I split up, we vowed always to keep our DD's best interests in mind, and that no matter what our differences, we would not impose them on her. The boundary we set worked so well that our DD learned to stop either of us in our tracks if we started to wander into finger-pointing territory.

It's not just the message, but also the messenger.

curious, there is no way to make the personal despair of a parent a pleasant experience, but seeing life in its true form is not harmful to children. Children are not made happy by illusions of their parent's "happiness." What hurt you as a child was your mothers affair, not your fathers natural reaction. Being "uncomfortable" is not harmful to children, it is a fact of life in traumatic situations.

My worst memory was being taken to a hotel room and introduced to my fathers OW and being very confused because this did not seem right. It did not seem right to me but since no adult would validate my instincts of right and wrong I concluded I must be a stupid girl. Obviously what seemed wrong to me was not wrong to others. I grew up THIRSTING for the truth and profoundly confused.

Children very much need to see how hurtful adultery really is to a spouse. How else do they learn?

I absolutely agree. I was astounded at WWxH's reaction when I exposed her A to her children (DS13 & DD15). He was furious. Why would he want to protect them from the knowledge that THEIR MOTHER WHO HAD LEFT THEM ONCE BEFORE was repeating her errant ways?

They know. Trust me, they know. They didn't need me telling them. All I did was confirm it.

I am glad you moved this over to this forum also. Perfect timing for me. Others are mentioned if it wasnt "the" woman that broke up the marriage maybe it would different. I kinda agree also, but the fact that it is the woman,and that they are just trying to show that they have this "true love" I am not sure I would be handle it easily either. My case it isnt "the" woman, but we are still married. However if they had gotten together and dated for a while before now, I might feel different. She just moved him in after meeting him one week though. To me it shows the morality of them, and that is what I dont want my kids exposed to.

SW, I didn't mean that for YOU. I was just reminded of it because of the posts. God knows I did it to my own D19.

SW, it doesn't have to come verbally.

How do you think your son took it when you drove by XH's home, just to see if he was really at home when he was supposed to be with ds?

It is the same thing.