My question is this...If the WS never does his/her part is the recovery of the marriage, never fully discloses the information the WS wants, begs for - or rather picks and chooses which questions he/she wants to be honest about and the rest is never fully disclosed - HOW DO YOU EVER GET CLOSURE? My divorce comes now after almost 2 years of dragging peice by peice out of him. I'm emotionally and physically tired. From what I read on these boards, divorce is not closure. Does the WS just spend the rest of his/her life "wondering" what really went on, with who, how many times and for how many years? Is there ever a time when you stop obsessing? Do you have to meet someone else and what if you are not ready for dating or meeting someone else? I have to spend the rest of my life talking to my now - ex due to the kids. But is there ever really closure?

There's never closure. Whether you recover a marriage or not, you will carry scars from the adultery. I struggle with the same thing. There are certain things I know for sure but many things I don't. WXH says the affair started 3 months before d-day. I have evidence that it was active 9 months before. Who knows when it really started? Who knows how much of my life was a lie? I raised my DS with WXH and now I can't reflect on my memories of his childhood without wondering if I was living a lie then. There is no possible way to get the answers to my questions. WXH only lies and nobody else knows. Gradually, the pain lessens but the scars don't go away.

Sorry, I'm sure that wasn't the answer you were looking for.

Heart, what is closure? I think your question is a good one and it has me wondering. Mind you, I'm still in Stage One as far as divorce is concerned: Wife moved out yesterday, is still hip deep in her adultery, and we're in the mandatory waiting period before divorce can be decreed.

What sort of closure do I need? I don't know the exact date the affair began, but do I need to know? I know that everything changed as a result of the affair, and that's all that really matters. For now, at least.

I do not know what the future holds, but in my case, we have no children, so I have no need to ever interact with my STBX. For me, closure now comes in the form of "closing the door and moving forward." I may change over time, but right now, that works for me.

Do you ever heal from being run over by a bus? Cause in my opinion a divorce is being run over emotionally. Just as we can heal physically, we can heal emotionally, but the length of time very much depends on the ability of the individual to make the mental changes that are required, and that takes time. The amount of time is different for everyone. I am still struggling after 1.5 years. It is an emotional roller coaster.

Yes we can heal.

Heart,

I can honestly say I have no closure and it still gets to me. I've been D'd 2 1/2 yrs. I still wonder and obsess quite a bit...

ExH has never told me one thing about his A. Heck he never even admitted to having an A! He said they were just friends.

I found out more by talking to OW's ExH, than I did from my own ExH.

We have kids together so I still have to see him. It still hurts alot.

He has since M'd the OW and they recently had a baby. It was like D day all over again. OW is 17 yrs. younger than ExH.

I think if he would have admitted the A, said he was sorry, something, but he never did. I think that is what is keeping me from moving on 100%.

Cat

I think divorce is a death of a relationship, and any death causes prolonged sadness and feelings of loss and anger. You may not find any certain date or bit of information bringing "closure", but you will find that you are making small steps to that goal. Things will hit you unexpectedly hard from time to time, but eventually you will probably reach a point of just letting the questions go, and focusing on the future.

I discovered about my husband's affair a little at a time; he'd confess to what I'd already discovered, then swear there was nothing more that happened. Then as each new thing cropped up, more lies were revealed.

I am certain that I will never know what happened,where when and how, but that is not really bothering me now. I have filed for divorce, so all of "that" is not really my business anymore. Knowing would not change anything, and asking my husband for info would just give him the impression that what he has done is of importance to me. I don't even know if he is still in contact with OW; it makes no difference to my future, and I am not willing to torture myself with wondering.

I hope that you will find your way through this painful time, and find that "closure" just means when you shut the door on your old life, and begin a new, happier life.

Closure is the gift you give yourself, not something you get from interacting with the rapist, abuser, cheater or other malcontent who used to be in your life.

Nothing they can say will give that gift. And - for the OW in my life - nothing she's willing to say - she just wanted the last word. I tried silence, until she stalked my husband into another online recovery room under another pseudo-identity. Once I recognized the style, I wrote out a cathartic letter to her, wrote another letter to her minister - then I went with both letters to my minister and had a chat.

"Closure" came in the form of my sending her a simple letter that said to the effect that "Neither of us are going to find the closure and satisfaction we want and crave from each other. You want reconciliation. I want acknowledgment that you violated our marriage when you violated the no contact request. You say God told you to. I say God told us to keep you out of our marriage. God is not divided against Himself. I cannot accept that He told you to go against what He told us through His servant to do. Therefore - I'm no longer asking you to acknowledge that you acted on your own. Instead, I'll let God settle this between us. Until we meet at His feet, please leave us alone."

That has lasted for a few years now. I feel sad for her. I am grateful that my husband came to me and recognized he was having conversations with her that crossed the line, so that this was nipped early.

But closure? Never happened with her. She didn't get the satisfaction of closure, and neither did we. Just a peace that came from turning the conflict over to God.

I think closure comes when you become fufilled with the life you've created for yourself post D. I'm not there yet. I'm just beginning the journey of a D, but that is what I believe. When you're happy w/your life, you don't care so much about the past anymore. I mean, what can you do about it anyway? And looking to the XWS for remorse or humility is pointless. At least in my case it is.

I like this statement...just shut the door. I guess what gets to me is after the divorce is final which will be soon I'm looking at the future and think about how "easy" HE GETS OFF. He gets out of his responsibility to raise the kids, his visitation is almost none now that he lives in another state. He has the better job, the better retirement plan, more time to pursue another relationship, more free time period, no responsilility in life but his job. I on the other hand have two teenagers, homework every night, my own job, the kids of course have their jobs around the house. I guess I am just bitter that I am emotionally and physically tired while he gets a better life and he is the one who caused the train wreck not me and the kids. I know life isn't fair, but sometimes it just p***** me off to no end.

But quoting Dr. Phil.......I'd rather be alone and struggling than to stay married to a cheater and liar in an unhealthy relationship. Sometimes I think "venting" is necessary and makes you feel better

As for closure, I too attempted reconsiliation for almost 2 years but the lies kept coming and still continue today. Actually one of the recent lies was so big and deceitful that there would NEVER, EVER be a reconsiliation as long as I live.

I read on this board once that it's not the A that kills the marriage it's what done after Disclosure. It's the continued lies that killed my marriage.

Heart,

Reading your post is exactly what I have been dealing with now for almost 3 yrs.

I've been D'd 2 1/2 yrs. and I still feel like he got the better deal. He's happy, financially stable, has a new wife (be it the OW), new baby, no responsibilites much to his 2 kids with me, and he was the one that cheated!

I, on the other hand am struggling BIG TIME financially, unhappy alot, have to deal with the 2 kids etc. etc, and I was the faithful one!

You are right, it doesn't seem fair.

I talked to my priest about this, how it seems like the bad people get rewarded and the good get screwed. I wonder if it even pays to be good?

His reply was that ExH will have to answer to God later on, and then his afterlife might not be so rosy.

I told the priest that I don't care what his afterlife will be like later on, I want him to get his now!

Yeah I nave no patience...

Cat

Wow is this question of closure is so relevent to me. Long time lurker. Background info on me. Together 15 yrs. Divorced 8/09. 2 kids. I have sole custody. I was the person who filed for divorce. My ex is bipolar and refused to seek treatment and had issues with addiction and was a compulsive liar. I suspect infidelities on his part but have no concrete proof. He was also very emotionally and verbally abusive.

That said. This week has been a roller coaster of emotions. He admitted that he has moved in with some woman and her child. I was really hurt by that information. I can't figure out why. I thought that I had been growing stronger and feeling so much better about my decision to divorce him. But I just had these pangs of emotional pain. I can't stop thinking about him being intimate with this new person and feeling hurt over it. I don't know why, because I would never get back together with him. So why does it hurt so bad? Will this pass soon? I know despite all the pain he has caused me that I do still love him. I hate myself for even admitting that. I have not moved on. I was with him for 15 yrs and the thought of being with someone else sends me into a panic. I am not ready. I know that. I want to be on my own for awhile to figure myself out.

So this question of closure is exactly what I have been thinking. When will this emotional pain be done? Will it only be the day I find someone new?

When someone calls me and tells me that they saw my ex-wife on fire.

Then I'll have closure.

I'll never forget seeing my attourney and him telling me that my X was riding a bike down the middle of his road and he dang near ran her over...... That there would have been some serious closure....HeHe.... But seriously, yes there is closure. I was divorced in '01. Spent about 3.5 years looking for closure in the bottom of a bottle or at the end of a bong but couldn't find it there. Then tried a while finding closure through marriage and guess what, it wasn't there either. Funny thing is that after all that searching I found that I had the key to it all along. Once I was able to 100% forgive her and totally not allow her to live rent free in my head for even another minute, closure came.........

LH:

So how do you forgive? My WW is moving out in a few weeks to be with her "soul mate". We have a divorce agreement in place that gives me 50% custody. But I'm angry. I built my entire life around my marriage, around my family. And with one swift kick, she's destroyed it all. How do you forgive that? Is it just time? Because I tell you what, right now, I can't forgive. I can't even bring myself to think about it at all. The Lord commanded us to forgive everyone but I just don't know how to do it.

One way recovering alcoholics are told to turn resentments and anger around is to pray for the person against whom they have the ill feeling:

Emphasis mine.

So many of us in the same state of dispair. So sad. I also want closure. I know he cheated, lied, stole, and has taken many steps to bring me to bankruptsy. I have the responsibilities with the kids while he only has the fun time every other weekend. And yes, he's the one that gutted our lives, not me. There should be some kind of "marriage insurance" at the least since spousal support is no longer mainstream. Even when you sacrificed your entire career to raise your kids. I literally hate my husband. Hate the skank he lives with who "raises" my kids when they are there. I kept thinking that I would get some closure if he just showed remorse. But I know a sick person will neither have, nor show remorse so that may never come.

I have no closure. I only have three things that have laid some groundwork for getting it some day.

1. When I'm not the best parent I can be due to the stress, finances, having the short end of the stick, etc., I deeply regret it. When my kids love on me with wild abandon despite the hardships they have here over all they have over at their father's, I feel at peace, if only for a while.

2. I am very proud of the fact that I will not show him how much he has/is hurting me. I hold my head up and not respond to the constant soul-shredding attacks. He doesn't get the satisfaction of knowing he has that power over me still, even tho he does.

3. I have so many friends and am dating again, and know that I will have an active social life filled with options I never could have had with depressed, boring, moody, angry, anti-social, non-kissing husband. One day that will lead me to happiness in other areas I have missed out on.

Until then, I keep looking for work, getting thru the horrible crap pile that is an ugly divorce, and cry to my pillow when necessary. I look forward to the day I can afford some counseling.

I have been dealing with my wife's affair for almost 2 years. I lost alot to it. I was a minister and I lost my job and career because of her affair. I lost my marriage and I really believed I had the best marriage in the world for 16 years, then it all fell apart.
As I am finally accepting the facts and moving on, I have learned a few things.
Knowing doesn't help. I know tons. My wife used the internet to communicate with her lover. I am almost hacker level. I know so much more than I want to know. It's enough to know she was unfaithful and she is going to continue to be unfaithful. Nothing else matters to the discussion.
Part of my closure has come in knowing that I wasn't perfect but that I did my best. None of us are perfect, but I can say I did the best I could as a husband and I can look myself in the eye and say that I did my best to save my marriage. She didn't want it. It still hurts, but knowing it's "on her" makes it easier.
Friends and family telling me that it's time has helped. Our children have told me to let go and move on.
A good counselor is a God send. Find one. They can help immensely with closure.

Amen to that! I stopped snooping 2 months ago after one of the dirtiest emails I ever read. The images that email conveyed just won't go away. Snooping serves a purpose but after a while I think it becomes destructive.

Yeah, images are the perfect way to put it. I wish I didn't know what I now know. It does serve a purpose when working to prove what is going on, but after that force yourself to stop. It just doesn't help.

I've been married (and divorced) twice. I have to say the first divorce and recovery period was a breeze. I also have to say that what helped was that he moved literally across the country and broke all contact. The split was amicable but he just disappeared. We filed for D 10 months after separation; final in another 3 months. I started dating my second husband about 15 months after my divorce was final.
My second H and I had the most wonderful dating relationship and I truly thought he was the one perfect man for me. Our marriage was a mess and I would not want to be back in that yet I long for what once was. I get so angry w/myself for not closing the door and moving on but I still miss him and wish things were different. I have not dated; haven't been asked and not sure what I would say if I was. At work I essentially hide the fact that I'm divorced except for a few people who are close to me.
For me too a big part is knowing so much that I'm not sure I could regain my trust of him and I don't trust him now. So, why want him back???
I make myself feel like an idiot A LOT!!!