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Little history....

For the last year or so I've been suffering for severe depression (cause unknown), to the point I was angry all the time. I didn't realize it until just before Christmas when I finally went to the doctor and he put me on some anti-depressants and I started talking to a counselor. Around the same time, I found out my wife was having a "mini-affair" with a 19 year old kid in CT. Now they have not met, they've only talked online and on the phone. However, my wife told me she was leaving me just before Christmas because she was getting what she needed from emotionally. I told her about the depression and I've begged and pleaded with her to give me another chance. She did come "home" after Christmas, but she's staying in a hotel, where she is continuing talking to this guy. Her reason for coming back was because she thought there was a chance to save our marriage, but she needed to fall back in love with me. Though she says she's in love with this kid. She's been back since Friday and we've gone out a few times, and we have a good time, but she's always holding back. When I asked her to come home she told me if she did we couldn't sleep in the same bed because it wouldn't be fair to this other guy. I'm so miserable right now, because I love my wife dearly, but I just haven't been able to show it too her for the last year or so. I don't know what else to do, and I know with her living separately that it's going to be much harder to work on us. Plus the fact she has yet to make a committment to saving our marriage (i.e. breaking it off with this other guy). I need some help/encouragement.

Thanks,


D - Day: 11/7/2009
Ended it with OM: 11/7/2009
Broke NC: 11/9/2009
D - Day 2: ~ 12/10/2009
Started Plan A: 1/8/2010
Found MB: 1/13/2010
Ended it with OM: 1/22/2010 ???
Filed for Divorce: 4/9/2010
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Click "Notify" and ask the mods to move your thread to Surviving an Affair. Good luck, hang in there...


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
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Originally Posted by sboisvert
Little history....

For the last year or so I've been suffering for severe depression (cause unknown), to the point I was angry all the time. I didn't realize it until just before Christmas when I finally went to the doctor and he put me on some anti-depressants and I started talking to a counselor. Around the same time, I found out my wife was having a "mini-affair" with a 19 year old kid in CT. Now they have not met, they've only talked online and on the phone. However, my wife told me she was leaving me just before Christmas because she was getting what she needed from emotionally. I told her about the depression and I've begged and pleaded with her to give me another chance. She did come "home" after Christmas, but she's staying in a hotel, where she is continuing talking to this guy. Her reason for coming back was because she thought there was a chance to save our marriage, but she needed to fall back in love with me. Though she says she's in love with this kid. She's been back since Friday and we've gone out a few times, and we have a good time, but she's always holding back. When I asked her to come home she told me if she did we couldn't sleep in the same bed because it wouldn't be fair to this other guy. I'm so miserable right now, because I love my wife dearly, but I just haven't been able to show it too her for the last year or so. I don't know what else to do, and I know with her living separately that it's going to be much harder to work on us. Plus the fact she has yet to make a committment to saving our marriage (i.e. breaking it off with this other guy). I need some help/encouragement.

Thanks,


A little more information might help...

How long have you been M'd?
Any kids involved?
Does anyone else know about her A?



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You cannot save your marriage without killing this affair first. Try not to minimize it, since your wife moved out this is not "mini-affair".

The best move for busting up the affair is to expose it. There is a lot of people here including myself for whom exposure was the start of recovery.

Discussion about exposure


Me (FWH) 44
Mrs_Recon6mo (FWW) 42
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Welcome to the club.

You will get a lot of good advice here. It may seem a little "crazy" at first, but once you start acting on it, you will gain confidence and power.

You need to realize the extent of our situation ASAP. You are likely going to be inclined to minimize things, and get caught up in your pain. Don't do that.

Immediately take action, and one of the most important things is to take care of yourself so you can be strong. You will need strength. Taking care of yourself will enable you to make less mistakes.

And we are here for you.


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I am glad you are getting help with your depression and I am sure this does not help any with it.

Your wife is having an A .. not a PA but and EA if she has not met this other person yet... no such thing as a mini affair

one thing NOT to do is beg, and cry to your WW you want her.. etc.. why you ask? Because being a FWW that is what she is wanting for you to pity yourself, etc..

Quote
Her reason for coming back was because she thought there was a chance to save our marriage, but she needed to fall back in love with me.

Is she wanting to save the M still? have you both done the EN's questionair to see what can be done to fall back in love with 'each' other?

Quote
When I asked her to come home she told me if she did we couldn't sleep in the same bed because it wouldn't be fair to this other guy.

So wrecking your M is a fair thing to you? that is what shes doing wrecking the M you have. Its NOT fair to YOU.

Want help? Heres what you need to start doing. Tell both of your friends, both of your families etc... What shes doing. EXPOSE EXPOSE EXPOSE.
How old are you both? Any kids?


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How do you know that your WW and OM have not met in real life?


Me (FWH) 44
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Originally Posted by ManInMotion
Originally Posted by sboisvert
Little history....

For the last year or so I've been suffering for severe depression (cause unknown), to the point I was angry all the time. I didn't realize it until just before Christmas when I finally went to the doctor and he put me on some anti-depressants and I started talking to a counselor. Around the same time, I found out my wife was having a "mini-affair" with a 19 year old kid in CT. Now they have not met, they've only talked online and on the phone. However, my wife told me she was leaving me just before Christmas because she was getting what she needed from emotionally. I told her about the depression and I've begged and pleaded with her to give me another chance. She did come "home" after Christmas, but she's staying in a hotel, where she is continuing talking to this guy. Her reason for coming back was because she thought there was a chance to save our marriage, but she needed to fall back in love with me. Though she says she's in love with this kid. She's been back since Friday and we've gone out a few times, and we have a good time, but she's always holding back. When I asked her to come home she told me if she did we couldn't sleep in the same bed because it wouldn't be fair to this other guy. I'm so miserable right now, because I love my wife dearly, but I just haven't been able to show it too her for the last year or so. I don't know what else to do, and I know with her living separately that it's going to be much harder to work on us. Plus the fact she has yet to make a committment to saving our marriage (i.e. breaking it off with this other guy). I need some help/encouragement.

Thanks,


A little more information might help...

How long have you been M'd?
Any kids involved?
Does anyone else know about her A?

Will have been married 7 years in May.
My 14 y/o daughter from a previous marriage. I have custody of her.
Yes, there are lot of people that know about her A, her parents, my parents, our priest and friends.


D - Day: 11/7/2009
Ended it with OM: 11/7/2009
Broke NC: 11/9/2009
D - Day 2: ~ 12/10/2009
Started Plan A: 1/8/2010
Found MB: 1/13/2010
Ended it with OM: 1/22/2010 ???
Filed for Divorce: 4/9/2010
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Originally Posted by A_pretty_face
I am glad you are getting help with your depression and I am sure this does not help any with it.

Your wife is having an A .. not a PA but and EA if she has not met this other person yet... no such thing as a mini affair

one thing NOT to do is beg, and cry to your WW you want her.. etc.. why you ask? Because being a FWW that is what she is wanting for you to pity yourself, etc..

Quote
Her reason for coming back was because she thought there was a chance to save our marriage, but she needed to fall back in love with me.

Is she wanting to save the M still? have you both done the EN's questionair to see what can be done to fall back in love with 'each' other?

Quote
When I asked her to come home she told me if she did we couldn't sleep in the same bed because it wouldn't be fair to this other guy.

So wrecking your M is a fair thing to you? that is what shes doing wrecking the M you have. Its NOT fair to YOU.

Want help? Heres what you need to start doing. Tell both of your friends, both of your families etc... What shes doing. EXPOSE EXPOSE EXPOSE.
How old are you both? Any kids?

I'm 35, she'll be 28 next month. 1 child from a previous marriage.


D - Day: 11/7/2009
Ended it with OM: 11/7/2009
Broke NC: 11/9/2009
D - Day 2: ~ 12/10/2009
Started Plan A: 1/8/2010
Found MB: 1/13/2010
Ended it with OM: 1/22/2010 ???
Filed for Divorce: 4/9/2010
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Originally Posted by recon6mo
How do you know that your WW and OM have not met in real life?

First he is in Conneticut, we live in Ohio.

Until Christmas we lived in the same house, and there was no reason to believe that he came down here to visit. The EA has been going on for about a month or so. I caught the chats on her facebook account. We went to her parents for Christmas and she stayed down there an extra week so she could have time to think (she told me she was leaving me right before Christmas). I'd talked to her alot since then about trying to save our marriage, which is why she wanted the time. The week she was down there I have no idea if he went down there, so she may have met him. She says that he was trying to get a plane ticket down to Oklahoma (where her parents live) that week, but she was advised not to let him come down as that would be adultry and I could use that against her. That could have been a lie, I don't know for sure. I did look at her cell phone records and she was calling him during that time, so I'm pretty sure he wasn't there. If he was there would be no reason to call him.


D - Day: 11/7/2009
Ended it with OM: 11/7/2009
Broke NC: 11/9/2009
D - Day 2: ~ 12/10/2009
Started Plan A: 1/8/2010
Found MB: 1/13/2010
Ended it with OM: 1/22/2010 ???
Filed for Divorce: 4/9/2010
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Have you spoken with the OM? He's 19, for crying out loud. You don't think he'd be put to tail if you came after him, "Stay away from my wife, kid?!!" How about exposing this to his parents, girl friend, etc.?

Also, you should know that people don't leave their marriage "to think about it." There is more going on here that your denial is refusing to let you see.

If you want to save your marriage you're going to have to start taking action to do so. Read up on the Basic Concepts here (start by clicking on the "Most Popular Links" on the right of the page here) and read up on Plan A and Plan B. The veterans will be along shortly to ask questions and help you put together a plan.

There is no way this A has any future. Your best bet is to kill it now and start work on rebuilding your M.


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
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Originally Posted by sboisvert
Until Christmas we lived in the same house, and there was no reason to believe that he came down here to visit. The EA has been going on for about a month or so. I caught the chats on her facebook account. We went to her parents for Christmas and she stayed down there an extra week so she could have time to think (she told me she was leaving me right before Christmas). I'd talked to her alot since then about trying to save our marriage, which is why she wanted the time. The week she was down there I have no idea if he went down there, so she may have met him. She says that he was trying to get a plane ticket down to Oklahoma (where her parents live) that week, but she was advised not to let him come down as that would be adultry and I could use that against her. That could have been a lie, I don't know for sure. I did look at her cell phone records and she was calling him during that time, so I'm pretty sure he wasn't there. If he was there would be no reason to call him.

LOL - I had to chuckle at the "adultery" comment. So what on earth does your WW think she's doing now..??

That your WW is staying in a hotel and refuses to share a bed with you suggests to me that this EA (Emotional Affair) likely progressed to a PA (Physical Affair) at some point.

I'm with Fred - contact the OM, and his parents, and expose what is going on. Also, look for the "Carrot and Stick of Plan A" thread - lots of good advice there.



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Originally Posted by Fred_in_VA
Have you spoken with the OM? He's 19, for crying out loud. You don't think he'd be put to tail if you came after him, "Stay away from my wife, kid?!!" How about exposing this to his parents, girl friend, etc.?

Also, you should know that people don't leave their marriage "to think about it." There is more going on here that your denial is refusing to let you see.

If you want to save your marriage you're going to have to start taking action to do so. Read up on the Basic Concepts here (start by clicking on the "Most Popular Links" on the right of the page here) and read up on Plan A and Plan B. The veterans will be along shortly to ask questions and help you put together a plan.

There is no way this A has any future. Your best bet is to kill it now and start work on rebuilding your M.

Before Christmas when I found out about the affair, I had my wife get him to call the house (she claimed she didn't know his number, that he only called the house phone which doesn' thave caller ID). I took the phone and told him to stay away from wife, that what he was doing was disrepectful to me and her and that if he ever talked to her again I would hunt him down. Wife didn't contact him for a couple days, but then started using her friends facebook account to talk to him and send him text messages. I found the facebook conversations on her phone a few days later. I haven't talked to him since. I have his number, but I'm afraid if I call and threaten the kid again, it will only make her angry.


D - Day: 11/7/2009
Ended it with OM: 11/7/2009
Broke NC: 11/9/2009
D - Day 2: ~ 12/10/2009
Started Plan A: 1/8/2010
Found MB: 1/13/2010
Ended it with OM: 1/22/2010 ???
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Originally Posted by ManInMotion
Originally Posted by sboisvert
Until Christmas we lived in the same house, and there was no reason to believe that he came down here to visit. The EA has been going on for about a month or so. I caught the chats on her facebook account. We went to her parents for Christmas and she stayed down there an extra week so she could have time to think (she told me she was leaving me right before Christmas). I'd talked to her alot since then about trying to save our marriage, which is why she wanted the time. The week she was down there I have no idea if he went down there, so she may have met him. She says that he was trying to get a plane ticket down to Oklahoma (where her parents live) that week, but she was advised not to let him come down as that would be adultry and I could use that against her. That could have been a lie, I don't know for sure. I did look at her cell phone records and she was calling him during that time, so I'm pretty sure he wasn't there. If he was there would be no reason to call him.

LOL - I had to chuckle at the "adultery" comment. So what on earth does your WW think she's doing now..??

That your WW is staying in a hotel and refuses to share a bed with you suggests to me that this EA (Emotional Affair) likely progressed to a PA (Physical Affair) at some point.

I'm with Fred - contact the OM, and his parents, and expose what is going on. Also, look for the "Carrot and Stick of Plan A" thread - lots of good advice there.

I thought about contacting his parents, but I don't have any contact information for his parents. I only have his number, which I believe is his cell phone. Contacting him is only go to make my wife angry (which she all ready is).


D - Day: 11/7/2009
Ended it with OM: 11/7/2009
Broke NC: 11/9/2009
D - Day 2: ~ 12/10/2009
Started Plan A: 1/8/2010
Found MB: 1/13/2010
Ended it with OM: 1/22/2010 ???
Filed for Divorce: 4/9/2010
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Originally Posted by Fred_in_VA
Have you spoken with the OM? He's 19, for crying out loud. You don't think he'd be put to tail if you came after him, "Stay away from my wife, kid?!!" How about exposing this to his parents, girl friend, etc.?

Also, you should know that people don't leave their marriage "to think about it." There is more going on here that your denial is refusing to let you see.

If you want to save your marriage you're going to have to start taking action to do so. Read up on the Basic Concepts here (start by clicking on the "Most Popular Links" on the right of the page here) and read up on Plan A and Plan B. The veterans will be along shortly to ask questions and help you put together a plan.

There is no way this A has any future. Your best bet is to kill it now and start work on rebuilding your M.

Where do I find info on Plan A and Plan B??? Is it in the book (His Needs, Her Needs) I just started reading it the other night, only a couple chapters in.


D - Day: 11/7/2009
Ended it with OM: 11/7/2009
Broke NC: 11/9/2009
D - Day 2: ~ 12/10/2009
Started Plan A: 1/8/2010
Found MB: 1/13/2010
Ended it with OM: 1/22/2010 ???
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Originally Posted by sboisvert
Contacting him is only go to make my wife angry (which she all ready is).

Do not let fear of your WW's anger prevent you from taking steps to break up the A. You know his number. It should not be that difficult to get his name. And some more investigation should turn up information about his parents.

However, if you do call him again, I suggest that you do not "threaten" him - that could be used against YOU.

BTW - as your WW seems to be scared of the word "adultery" being used to describe what she's doing, I suggest that you use exactly that word whenever you expose or talk to someone about what she's doing. It will generate a lot of conflict, which is a GOOD thing.


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Originally Posted by sboisvert
Where do I find info on Plan A and Plan B??? Is it in the book (His Needs, Her Needs) I just started reading it the other night, only a couple chapters in.

It's in "Surviving An Affair" (SAA), by the same author. There's also some information about the plans available on this site (and in this forum, too).



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Originally Posted by sboisvert
I haven't talked to him since. I have his number, but I'm afraid if I call and threaten the kid again, it will only make her angry.
The saying here goes, "Your marriage can survive anger. It cannot survive an affair."

You need to take proactive steps to kill this affair NOW.

But DO NOT THREATEN. You are an adult, he is a child. You simply have to inform him that you will take the necessary steps to ensure he stays away from your wife. You don't have to give specifics, just make it known that you're a man and you're going to save your marriage.


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Originally Posted by sboisvert
Originally Posted by recon6mo
How do you know that your WW and OM have not met in real life?

First he is in Conneticut, we live in Ohio.

Until Christmas we lived in the same house, and there was no reason to believe that he came down here to visit. The EA has been going on for about a month or so. I caught the chats on her facebook account. We went to her parents for Christmas and she stayed down there an extra week so she could have time to think (she told me she was leaving me right before Christmas). I'd talked to her alot since then about trying to save our marriage, which is why she wanted the time. The week she was down there I have no idea if he went down there, so she may have met him. She says that he was trying to get a plane ticket down to Oklahoma (where her parents live) that week, but she was advised not to let him come down as that would be adultry and I could use that against her. That could have been a lie, I don't know for sure. I did look at her cell phone records and she was calling him during that time, so I'm pretty sure he wasn't there. If he was there would be no reason to call him.

I could be wrong (I hope I am!) but if your WW is refusing to sleep with you out of some misguided sense of loyalty to OM, they've probably gone PA. Get tested for STDs immediately.


D-Day 2-10-2009
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Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Originally Posted by sboisvert
Originally Posted by Fred_in_VA
Have you spoken with the OM? He's 19, for crying out loud. You don't think he'd be put to tail if you came after him, "Stay away from my wife, kid?!!" How about exposing this to his parents, girl friend, etc.?

Also, you should know that people don't leave their marriage "to think about it." There is more going on here that your denial is refusing to let you see.

If you want to save your marriage you're going to have to start taking action to do so. Read up on the Basic Concepts here (start by clicking on the "Most Popular Links" on the right of the page here) and read up on Plan A and Plan B. The veterans will be along shortly to ask questions and help you put together a plan.

There is no way this A has any future. Your best bet is to kill it now and start work on rebuilding your M.

Before Christmas when I found out about the affair, I had my wife get him to call the house (she claimed she didn't know his number, that he only called the house phone which doesn' thave caller ID). I took the phone and told him to stay away from wife, that what he was doing was disrepectful to me and her and that if he ever talked to her again I would hunt him down. Wife didn't contact him for a couple days, but then started using her friends facebook account to talk to him and send him text messages. I found the facebook conversations on her phone a few days later. I haven't talked to him since. I have his number, but I'm afraid if I call and threaten the kid again, it will only make her angry.

So, make her angry. Most waywards DO get angry when reality starts to creep into their little fantasy life. Can you find out more about OM? Any family members of his that you can contact?


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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