I am having a serious problem. To sum up: Married twice, both times left for another woman. Cheated on during both pretty much entire time.
7 years first marriage, 5 years 2nd marriage.

Three children resulted.

Anyhow, a year prior my current boyfriend located me after a 10 year gap. We decided to give a relationship a 2nd go round considering we both felt the same strong feelings for each other. Everything was fine the first few months but then his ex started emailing me stuff (she lives in another state) and he had a stalker. The culmination has left me with little trust and tons of fear. However, he has proven himself incredibly trustworthy (confronting both ex and stalker...etc). How can I overcome this trust issue before he is just too exhausted to continue? My main issue is that he is actually being dishonest and i am believing him and I am going to look like a fool just like I did with the last two ex's.

Cassie,

Unfortunately I don't have any advice for you. I too am having the same feelings as you are.

I trusted ExH with my life, and after 20+ yrs. of M, he cheated on me. I've been D'd 2 1/2 yrs. now, and I am having a super hard time trusting the man I am seeing now, even though he does not do one thing to make me think he is cheating on me...But then ExH never gave me any reason to think he was either.

I wish I could give you some advice, but I just wanted to post to you to say that I know how you feel as I am feeling the same thing...

(((hugs)))

Cat

Trust takes time to earn.

That time has not passed in a new relationship. So should there be no trust?

We all know how it goes.... You meet for a number of dates on neutral ground and have to get comfortable before you go back to someone's place. That is building trust through time.

And as time passes, it builds.

But you DO give trust at the start, you go "on faith" that this person is NOT being disingenuous. Until they prove you wrong (which they can do VERY quickly) or they prove you right over time.

So in the initial stages, it is a GIFT you give the other person.

That's how I look at it.

I have had to "unlearn" that not every woman out there is untrustworthy as my ex. And women have done things that reminded me enough of what the ex did that is sure brought back those horrible memories.

So how did I get through it? I looked at myself. I looked at myself and said "Do I want to be the type of untrusting, paranoid person that I am feeling?" And that's the key point - feeling. My feelings were telling me NOT to trust, because of something someone else did. And I was listening to those feelings and pushing my bad reactions on someone who did not deserve them. And I didn't like that person I was.

So I chose not to act on them. That's it. Yeah. I feel them. But I decided that the possibility of true, trusting love, a real partner, was worth the risk of getting hurt again.

I am not going to go through life in fear. I'm NOT. I psyched myself up for it like I was getting ready for a competition.

That's how I got past it.

NC Walker: Thank you so very much. I know he is worth the trust...all signs point towards it. For instance, We dated 10 years ago, actually lived together for a stint. We were young (18) and despite my feelings I choose to try and work it out with my daughter's father- hence leaving him. He has searched for me for 10 years, finally locating me last September. I think if someone takes enough time to think about you over 10 long years and then take the effort to search for you and subsequently call you then that must show some sort of love and devotion. My issues have stemmed from his ex though who sent me emails (she lives in PA with their children) saying he was using me, that he said some not very nice things about me, and that he's still in love with her. I know these things are not true but the irrational part of me wonders if he isn't playing both sides, like keeping her as a plan a or b and etc. I know that sounds crazy...so at least I can rationalize it. Ive tried to keep it in, its just hard. He is so very understanding but I am afraid he wont be for much longer...a person can only take so much especially since his ex was very horrible to him. I feel he deserves my love and trust.. its just getting there that is so hard. But your right- I hate who I am right now with these thoughts. I want to be "perfectly wonderful" as he says I am ALL the time, not just part time. Thank you soooo very much for your advice.

***Cat***
Thank you so very much for responding. It is hard when another person violates your trust. Its tough for me because until his ex started emailing me I had full trust. I KNEW he loved me and I KNEW he wouldn't hurt me. But then so much happened and the wall went up. I think it just takes time...in reality I KNOW i should have taken it much slower and healed myself before jumping into a relationship again. I just felt because he and I had such a lengthy history (we were friends for years before we got together the first time 10 years ago...) that it was perfect...no issues...

Cassie,

I neglected to mention in my first post to you that this man I am seeing is an old boyfriend. We dated over 25 yrs. ago while in college. His wife died 5 yrs. ago, she had a terminal illness, so in part he does understand the loss of a spouse be in via death or divorce. He never had kids.

Anyway, he is treating me wonderfully. Bringing me flowers every week, and just truly showing me he loves me. We actually talk about our feelings. ExH never did that. He tells me he would never hurt me, he knows the pain I have been through and would never do that to me again. As I said, he has given me no reason whatsoever for me to think he is being unfaithful, but that thought is always in the back of my mind. It's really not fair to him though, for me to impose that. My ExH hurt me, he didn't. I shouldn't take it out on him...

Unlike you, I don't have to worry about an ex wife etc. but it still is hard to think that someone actually cares for me and wants me again.

My self esteem was below zero after ExH left, and it's been a long road to get it back up there. And he's helping with that...

As NCWalker said, I think it will take time, and I have to remember that myself. I have been extremely honest with my guy as to how I feel and why I have a hard time trusting. He said he understands, that he's not going anywhere...

I guess we need to give them a chance to at least prove it. And I guess I've come to the conclusion that although I've been hurt as you have, we will never know if these guys are truly worth it unless we are willing to get hurt again.

Do I want to get hurt again, heck no!, who does? But I have to give him a chance and it just might mean getting hurt. But on the otherhand, it just might mean having the man that we deserve too.

We will never know if we don't put ourselves out there again and just pray and hope that this guy will be good to us unlike our ExH's.

Take care...

Cat