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#2310713 01/24/10 02:09 AM
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I am sitting here watching a movie, Purple Hearts, where the couples (married and bf/gf) are all in bad relationships. The married couple have drifted apart. The husband is having phone sex in the livingroom, and the wife runs into an ex-boyfriend, who she has a lot in common with. They are both writers, at different stages of their careers. The husband decides to leave the wife, because he isn't attracted to her anymore, and she moves out of their home, and begins dating her ex-boyfriend.

So my question is this, if you feel that your marriage isn't doing anything for you, and you truly find yourself miserable in your marriage, and you aren't cheating or otherwise committing adultery, is it okay to make the decision to divorce to pursue a life with someone that will add to your happiness and growth?

Just curious what people think about this, although I am not sure if I am being clear (or linear, as my bestfriend would say.)


fD

Me: BS 41
WH: 43
DD7

D-day #1 2006 (OW#1)
D-day #2 3/2009 (OW #2)
D-day #3 5.18.2010 (OW #2)
D-day #4 10.3.2010 (false recovery)
D-day #5 12.2.2010 (found text message)
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It's never okay to pursue a relationship outside of your marriage.

NEVER.

If you want to do that, get a divorce. Won't be easy, but freedom has a cost.


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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I would say you need to earn the divorce. How do you do that? Glad you asked. Read the artilces on this site and then start removing the love busters. Find out what her needs are and start meeting those. Read Harley's four rules for a good marriage and start practicing them, they are really simple.

Talk to your W about how you feel and that you want to try and rebuild the marriage and then give it 6 months or so of effort. Effort undertaken without regard to how she responds.

Then sit down and evaluate. Are you seeing baby steps toward a better marriage? Are you seeing your W notice you more? Are things changing?

You'll know what decision to make then.

JL

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Karmarose and JL...

I guess what I was recognizing in the movie was that the married couple were both clearly dissatisfied, and mismatched, and in 2 different places in their growth in life. I guess I mean, one was looking for "meaning" and the other was partying and trying to have fun (like college student style). They weren't communicating and they didn't seem to like each other very much. The husband initiated the divorce, and the wife left, and started rebuilding her life. She started writing again, and she moved out of their home. She didn't start officially dating the ex-bf until after the divorce was final.

I guess they realized they would be happier without being married to each other. If you have tried everything you possibly can, including MB, and your marriage is still dissatisfying, is it responsible to end the marriage? Or do you really stay married to someone that you have no real relationship with?

Is it possible to mismarry?


fD

Me: BS 41
WH: 43
DD7

D-day #1 2006 (OW#1)
D-day #2 3/2009 (OW #2)
D-day #3 5.18.2010 (OW #2)
D-day #4 10.3.2010 (false recovery)
D-day #5 12.2.2010 (found text message)
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I haven't watched that movie, but spent many years in a loveless and apathetic marriage. Marrying very young can create two adults who eventually have very different views on where their life should be. If, and really if, you have made every effort through this site or any resources that you can find to try to make your marriage work then there are times when one must call it quits, as painful as that can be.
What I would not advise is getting involved with anyone else until the whole process is complete. I made that mistake, and trust me, it makes life so much more complex and difficult than it should be.
In an ideal world we would find our life partner and stick with them for just that, but life is not always ideal. I know this is a marriage building site, but just as all buildings can have architects, structural engineers, builders and joiners, if at the very start, the foundations are not correct, it becomes more and more difficult to paint over the cracks. The very best decorator in the world can only do so much until the building has to be condemned and one has to start again doing it all properly, whether with your life partner, or a new one.
Not perfect by any means, but, at times, reality.
Good luck. Work hard on what you have, but if it fails, then make sure you work harder and what you have in the future.
Peace.

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I have not watched the movie.

"She didn't start officially dating the ex-bf until after the divorce was final."

Because it was not a PA she claims not cheating. Living in the land of denial.

Well she was having an EA while married. Lining up a future replacement to be ready to replace her H before she left him.

Still cheating, still justifying an affair.

Instead of using her energy to get the next mr perfect one can only guess what the outcome would of been if this same energy was used to repair her marriage.

Never attempting to save the M diffinitly reduces the odds for success.

She lost the moral high ground by having an EA before the D.

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Originally Posted By: FutureDays
So my question is this, if you feel that your marriage isn't doing anything for you, and you truly find yourself miserable in your marriage, and you aren't cheating or otherwise committing adultery, is it okay to make the decision to divorce to pursue a life with someone that will add to your happiness and growth?


FD, the solution to a bad marriage is to work to turn it around, not to abandon the marriage so you can screw up another relationship. It is like buying a house and never making any repairs. Pretty soon the house falls apart from neglect. So is the problem a "bad house" or is the problem that the buyer is lazy and did nothing to maintain the house? The problem is not the house, but the neglectful owner. Its always easier to cop out and say "I married the wrong person!!" But the reasons are almost always a neglectful buyer.

A good marriage doesnt' just happen by magic anymore than a well maintained house just happens by magic. It is not magic.

Buying another house after you have neglected the first house is not the solution because the buyer will just neglect the next house.

The solution is to stop neglecting the house, not to abandon the house and buy another one to neglect.

Dr. Harley explains this very well in Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders:

Freeloader is unwilling to put much effort into the care of his or her partner in a romantic relationship. He or she does only what comes naturally and expects only what comes naturally. It's like a person who tries to live in a house without paying rent or doing anything to improve it unless the person is in the mood to do so.

Renter is willing to provide limited care as long as it's in his or her best interest. The romantic relationship is considered tentative, so the care is viewed as short-term. It's like a person who rents a house and is willing to stay as long as the conditions seem fair, or until he or she finds something better. The person is willing to pay reasonable rent and keep the house clean but is not willing to make repairs or improvements. It's the landlord's job to keep the place attractive enough for the renter to stay and continue paying rent.

Buyer is willing to demonstrate an extraordinary sense of care by making permanent changes in his or her own behavior and lifestyle to make the romantic relationship mutually fulfilling. Solutions to problems are long-term solutions and must work well for both partners because the romantic relationship is viewed as exclusive and permanent. It's like a person who buys a house for life with a willingness to make repairs that accomodate changing needs, painting the walls, installing new carpet, replacing the roof, and even doing some remodeling so that it can be comfortable and useful.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Ok, think of MB as a structural surveyor. If it can underpin the foundations of your house and help to correct the structure of your marriage, then papering over the cracks and redecorating will not only be satisfying, but your house willnever look better.
If, however the structure is so bad that a total rebuild has to take place, then , if you don't involve anyone else in your life at this stage, the decision has to be whether to move or start over.
Difficult decision, but I would explore every option before making that decision.

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Let me use the example of my very eccentric MIL versus my 96 yr old grandmother.

My meticulous, Dutch grandmother drives cars for 20-25 years and they always look as perfect after 20 years as they do when brand new. She takes exceptional care of her vehicles so they last forever and look great. She has them detailed and professionaly waxed 1x a year. She changes the oil and rotates the wheels on a strict maintenance schedule. Her cars are always in perfect condition. She gets TOP DOLLAR when she sells them.

Fast forward to my very eccentric MIL. She has owned 10+ cars in the 10 yrs I have been married to her son. She never changes the oil, never washes them, never rotates the tires, lets them pile up in side with trash. They quickly fall apart. And it is always the car's fault, of course. She doesn't understand that it is her mistreatment and neglect that is the problem.

It is the same with marriages. People astonishly believe that a good marriage happens by MAGIC after they neglect it for years. It is the NEGLECT that causes one to fall out of love.

Since FEELINGS FOLLOW ACTIONS, soon enough they fall out of love because who can love a spouse who is angry and withdrawn and indifferent and disrespectful after years of abuse and neglect? Both spouses act in ways that erode love and then wonder why they are...........not in love. crazy


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: bingo
If, however the structure is so bad that a total rebuild has to take place, then , if you don't involve anyone else in your life at this stage, the decision has to be whether to move or start over.


bingo, that is the purpose of Marriage Builders. They rebuild the STRUCTURE of marriages here. They take the WORST marriages and rebuild them from the bottom up. They have saved marriages where the couple HATED each other. FEELINGS follow actions, and once the correct actions are taken that facilitate a happy marriage, the feelings soon follow. Bring the body and the mind will follow!

Starting over with someone new is a stupid strategy that will end up with the same result.[not to mention that it is immoral in many cases] If a person doesn't know how to maintain his first marriage, getting married again will not solve the problem. I think it shows a weakness of character and shallowness that is prevalent in our culture to toss aside marriages as if they were nothing more than toilet paper.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
Originally Posted By: bingo
If, however the structure is so bad that a total rebuild has to take place, then , if you don't involve anyone else in your life at this stage, the decision has to be whether to move or start over.



I think it shows a weakness of character and shallowness that is prevalent in our culture to toss aside marriages as if they were nothing more than toilet paper.


This is what I am seeing more in more, as I am learning about the differences b/t good and bad marriages. I seems our society is very much overtly against marriages and families.


fD

Me: BS 41
WH: 43
DD7

D-day #1 2006 (OW#1)
D-day #2 3/2009 (OW #2)
D-day #3 5.18.2010 (OW #2)
D-day #4 10.3.2010 (false recovery)
D-day #5 12.2.2010 (found text message)
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I actually agree Melodylane, marriage is not something to be tossed aside. There was a good reason that this lady and her husband married in the first place and it should, at this stage, as it is just a thought, be imperative that action is taken.
I am not suggesting for a minute that she start with someone new. That is completely uncalled for at this stage.
I am merely pointing out that it seems and easy option and everyone who looks happy becomes attractive when life at home in your own marriage is terrible, but that is just a sign that things have to be done to avoid further complications. Another man and the fall out of a divorce should be only a very, very final resort.
Are there children involved here ?
Time to think is vital. But not alone. I know that the best thing I ever did was force myself to talk about how I felt with my wife and that, to someone who had not done that in his entire adult life, was not easy.
Suddenly finding that you conveniently forgot about all that one does have in common with a spouse is not only a revelation, but cathartic and wonderful. Start at the bottom and work upwards and hopefully what looks attractive on the outside becomes something that one can achieve on ones own.


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