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On a thread in Recovery Forum, you wrote ... My mom was put in hospice about 4 weeks ago and died on the 14th. So, maybe I am just in a bad place right now. This is so difficult. Take care of yourself.
Last edited by Pepperband; 01/25/10 10:56 AM.
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Thank you,Pep. Tough four years.
My dad died 15 years ago. About two weeks before that, I came across my first wife's journal entries describing how she wanted to "stop having sex with strangers".
Within two weeks of my dad's passing, she announced she was heading for Chicago to spend the weekend with a man she met in AA.
You folks may not beleive this about me and it is tough to be objective about oneself. But, I am really easy going and well liked. I love kids and animals. I raised my two boys, one with Down Syndrome and autism by myself for years while my first wife bedded a variety of guys.
I am just so confused as to what I did to wind up with spouses that serially cheat.
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I am so sorry to hear about your mom. My dad was in hospice at the end and it is a hard thing to go through. My brother and I though that my mom would go to hospice last month, but she woke up one day that week and went to the cafeteria. She has been fine since. Guess she decided it wasn't time yet.
As for hooking up with people who cheat, well, maybe you are just drawn to the wrong personality type? Maybe you are hooked by "dumbsels in distress?" Who knows?
You sound like a wonderful person who is dedicated to his family. I don't think I deserved what my XWH dished out to me either, but I am looking at myself these days to try to figure it all out.
BS - me 56
XWH - 57
12/25/06 - Dday - WH promised NC. Plan A in effect. Thought we were in recovery.
6-3-07 - Dday#2 Found out NC never took place and A never ended. Found MB NC promised again, but WH would not write NC letter.
9/07 - Dday #3. Still lying and sneaking around. Plan B implemented
WH wants nothing to do with me
Divorced as of 12/09 after 36 years
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That is so key, Chai, trying to figure out why one does not see the red flags. In a way, it angers me that I need to become more cynical and less trusting ,as I really enjoyed being open and seeing the best in people. It is sad how this has changed me in that regard.
Glad to hear your Mom is doing better.
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So sorry about your mother, Zelmo....and I feel the same about being cynical now and less trusting...I feel that my WH took away a piece of my innocence....or maybe it was just naivete, IDK....but they say ignorance is bliss..I think my naivete was too...I had it for almost 40 years and that part of me is gone forever.
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. 
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So sorry about your mother, Zelmo....and I feel the same about being cynical now and less trusting...I feel that my WH took away a piece of my innocence....or maybe it was just naivete, IDK....but they say ignorance is bliss..I think my naivete was too...I had it for almost 40 years and that part of me is gone forever. We are all in the same boat here. We are just naturally trusting in our M, and when we get burned it changes us. We need to learn from it though. It doesn't mean we have to be cynical and less trusting, just more thorough in laying the groundwork for a good relationship.
BS - me 56
XWH - 57
12/25/06 - Dday - WH promised NC. Plan A in effect. Thought we were in recovery.
6-3-07 - Dday#2 Found out NC never took place and A never ended. Found MB NC promised again, but WH would not write NC letter.
9/07 - Dday #3. Still lying and sneaking around. Plan B implemented
WH wants nothing to do with me
Divorced as of 12/09 after 36 years
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I agree. Problem is that I was never a "player" and do not understand those who are. I have done a lot of research on this and have some nice, arbitrary guidelines, now.
Any whiff of cheating in somebody;'s past and I will not take a chance. Both XWW's had been OWs before I met them and I simply chalked it up to their youth. That was a mistake.
Bad credit or job history is a big clue, too.
Also, during courtship, there were some weird things, abusive remarks that I chalked up to them having bad days. But, they were remarks that I could not imagine making to anyone.
It all boils down to feelijng good enough about oneself to realize you deserve better.
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I agree. Problem is that I was never a "player" and do not understand those who are. I have done a lot of research on this and have some nice, arbitrary guidelines, now.
Any whiff of cheating in somebody;'s past and I will not take a chance. Both XWW's had been OWs before I met them and I simply chalked it up to their youth. That was a mistake.
Bad credit or job history is a big clue, too.
Also, during courtship, there were some weird things, abusive remarks that I chalked up to them having bad days. But, they were remarks that I could not imagine making to anyone.
It all boils down to feelijng good enough about oneself to realize you deserve better. Bingo. What seems innocent is a big clue. We now have to pay more attention to those things.
BS - me 56
XWH - 57
12/25/06 - Dday - WH promised NC. Plan A in effect. Thought we were in recovery.
6-3-07 - Dday#2 Found out NC never took place and A never ended. Found MB NC promised again, but WH would not write NC letter.
9/07 - Dday #3. Still lying and sneaking around. Plan B implemented
WH wants nothing to do with me
Divorced as of 12/09 after 36 years
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It all boils down to feelijng good enough about oneself to realize you deserve better. Hey Z, Very sorry to hear about your mother. You should also feel good about yourself because you help out a lot of people around here. WE benefit as a result of your life experiences. YOU have taken the time to share and THAT helps the rest of us. Thanks, and hang in there. TB
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Zelmo, thank for your encouraging words to those who post. Take time to mourn this bereavement.
God bless!
But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams -Yeats
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I'm sorry to hear about your mom, Zelmo. I'm also glad you are hear to learn, contribute and help others.
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I'm very sorry about your mom, Zel.
(((((((Zel))))))))
I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten. My Story Recovered!
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Thanks to all re the condolences. She is in a better place.
It was disturbing to watch her suffer.
I flew home and got there before she died. My sister explained to her that I wanted to have my younger brother who has Asperger's live with me in Minnesota, as he had lived his entire life with her. This made her happy, I think.
She was super smart.
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zelmo sorry to hear about your mother. i have lost both of my parents (both gone by the time i was 35 years old) and i know how hard that can be at times.....
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(((((Z))))),
I am sorry for your loss, even if she is better off now. You are a good man...always have thought that. You taking in your brother only exudes my point....
not2fun
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Thanks, Not2. Getting my brother out here should be a challenge. He is very into routine and this will scare him. He loves the Rangers and Yankees, so getting him to watch the Twins and Wild may be a battle.
He is 54 and is the most gentle person I know. He buys two pair of jeans and one pair of Converse All Stars a year, like clockkwork.
He just got a new car which he uses only to drive to the flower shop where he works. He gets a new car every 17 years, and his old one usually has about 30,000 miles on it.
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Sorry about your mom Z
My father passed away from cancer last year.
My condolences to you and your fam.
Me 34
WW 30
Abandoned Feb 17th 08, D-Day Aprl 27th 08.
Returned home Jul 7th, OC born 12/30/08
The FOG is clear, and we are in recovery.
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Please add me to the condolences list, Zelmo. I lost my dad five years ago and my stepmother a year ago. My biological mother died 30 years ago (jeez, have I gotten so old?)
You were very instrumental in getting me to look at my WW's history and family of origin issues. For that, I am grateful.
Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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Hey Z,
been thinking about you. How are you doin'?
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