Hi quick summary. Separated since Aug 08/ Divorce final July 09. Sole custody of kids. Ex-h has issues with addictions and is a diagnosed bipolar but doesn't take his meds. When he is manic he can be completely out of control. He threatened suicide in front of the children. Because of this he doesn't have the standard visitation. He comes over to visit the kids but doesn't have them over nights or on his own.

I have really been trying to pull my life together. I have a mortgage I can barely afford, financial debt, and ex that hasn't paid any of the court ordered child support so far. He comes around a lot sometimes and then disappears for a week or 2 at a time. He spends very little time with the kids and most of the time trying to pry into my life (caught him going through my cell phone) and get back together with me. Telling me things like he knows we are meant to be together and that by next Christmas we will be engaged again. I try my best to not listen but it gets really hard after awhile. He is very manipulative and really likes to get to my emotions. Fast forward to last week and he tells me that he has moved in with another woman and her child.

I was completely shocked and angry at myself for having any feelings about it at all. But I did. He wanted to bring this woman to my house so I could meet her and then maybe since she was a mother too I would be ok if they took my children out without me. I was so angry because for all I know she could have the same problems he has. I don't hold a very hi opinion of her if she was willing to shack up with my ex after only a few weeks, when she has a young daughter. So, I told him no, but if his mother(former mother-in-law that I am still close with) went along then it would be ok with me and that if he wanted to have more time with them without me there, then he should make arrangements with his mom and I could drop the kids off with her so he could have more time with them. That didn't seem to satisfy him.

Any advice on how I can get some distance and boundries with him without keeping the kids away from him. I realise it is a very sticky situation. I already decided to try to keep myself busy around the house when he comes by limiting as much contact as possible without being rude to him in front of the kids. Anyone deal with a similiar issue? Any advice at all?

ammc:

Your xH is not in a state to be around the kids and you know this and so apparently do the courts (thank goodness). You should not be leaving your kids alone with him, even if there is someone else there.

How often are his visitations? Is there a court appointed schedule or is it just whatever you agree to? I would recommend getting a schedule determined by the courts - there need to be legal boundaries set, its the only way you can keep your xH in line.

As far as child support goes, if he's not paying, then you need to get the courts to start garnishing his wages.

Lastly, forget about the house, money and everything else for a second. If you could move away, would you? Would it be best for your kids to get away from that situation? Sounds to me like it would be, but you would be the best judge.

Tough situation, sorry to hear about it. Good luck to you.

Hi ammc!


Sounds like a few of the men in my family. I am sorry.


Exactly... Cant imagine what problems she's got that make him look attractive. And he's just shacking up with her, it wont last, and there will be other women. Count on it.


TOO BAD! This isnt about what satisfies him.

You came up with an option (which you did not have to do, and that I would not have done), if he doesnt like it, who cares?

You are divorced, this type of issue will come up again and again. Make the wisest decision that you can, and stick with it.

If he were logical and sane, you'd still be married to him.

Never try to appease illogical and insane people.



You did come up with an option. Now ignore him, and deal with the rest of your life.


No, it's really not. You're making this harder than it needs to be, because he'll throw a tantrum if he's not happy and you're trying to avoid that. You'll have to learn not be afraid of his anger, and how to avoid him. Now is the time to develop this skill.. Practice now, this will happen again.

He does not have custody, he does not pay child support (and I'd go back to court on that, since he's living with someone and less expenses since his name is not on the lease), and you ARE letting him see the kids... you are done!

Good job, mom!

If you find out anything wicked about this new woman, I'd go back to court to limit his visitation even further.

You do not need to do anything here. Regroup, and proceed with the rest of your day.

Hang tuff!

Thanks indarkness and drucilla for your replies, to answer some questions



Whenever he feels like it. He is mr five minutes. He comes over he sees the kids for few minutes then is off on his merry way.

The judge wasn't very specific and left it up to me. It was left that he could come to visit the children but didn't get any unsupervised visitation. She told him that if he could get himself together and get some treatment that he could come back to court and try to get the visitation modified. I was so releaved to get sole custody that I didn't want to ask too many questions. Dumb. I know.



I know this is my problem I try to go above and beyond to accomidate him. I let him stop by whenever he wants. I know he was really upset about losing custody so I try to give him as much time as I can with them. I am also scared he will drag me back into court and say that I am not allowing him enough visitation and they change it. I would be completely devastated. I don't trust him with those kids at all. He is a complete nut and though I know he would never intentionally harm them. He does stupid careless stuff that could result in an accident. He is barely capable of taking care of himself.



You are right. I really try to avoid getting into any conflict with him because he will fly off the handle and start saying what ever he wants in front of the kids. He can get ugly. When he does, I ask him to leave. The kids have done really well through out my divorce process and actually seem to be happier with out him there. They love their dad but he added so much drama and turmoil to the household.

The support is being monitored through the probation office so I can't imagine he will get away with this much longer. He is constantly changing addresses and goes through jobs like underwear so I imagine they just haven't caught up to him yet.

Thanks I'll try. It gets so hard some days.