I could really use some help from you guys. I am so disgusted and shocked. I dunno wether this is the right forum to post this in but yeah lemme explain the situation

My H and I been in a marriage for almost 10 years, things have been going good til last year. i have 5 children w/ this man i really do not want to loose him! anyway I started to get suspicious and found out that he is in an affair. what is worse...he's in an affair with another man. This is disgusting to me. I've talked to a priest at my local church and he said i shud try to fix the marriage and should consider therapy for my H to change his devious ways but he just wants to divorce me, says he never really loved women and wants to be with this guy.

will that help? i read Dr Harley said you could change someone's preferences.

what do I do?! any advice is welcome

Let him go. Your H has admitted that he is a homosexual and will not be happy in a heterosexual relationship.

i guess its really hard my church looks down upon divorce for starters and well i guess the changes all came on so sudden like hes been in the military and he went to iraq and came back so different. Im so lost and hurt he had 5 kids with me, 5, how could he do that without lovin me at all?!! I guess Im naieve

Hi Suffering, sorry you are here. You should treat this just the same as you would any other affair, the prescription is just the SAME. Here is a post from Dr Harley from last year that might be helpful:

If Dr. Harley said that, then that's one area in which I don't agree with him. I really think people are born with their sexual orientation pre-set...I don't think it's a product of environment.

That said though, sexual orientation is not strictly an either/or situation. It's a line and we all fall somewhere along that line. Most of us appear to fall well on one side or the other...and the folks who fall towards the middle may wind up conflicted most of their lives.

So I think what I'm trying to say is that you and your H probably need to determine if he falls towards the middle..in which case this is an affair..not much different than a hetero affair and needs to be dealt with the same way.

If he's truly homosexual though, then I agree with Martialbliss. Cut loose now, spare yourself grief.

Suffering, please listen to Dr Harley, he is a clinical psychologist who has seen many such marriages turn around over the years. You have no reason to give up on your marriage just because your husband has homosexual tendencies. Don't buy into popular cultural myths and social stereotypes about homosexuality. Dr Harley is a credentialed professional who has long experience in this area. You don't have to give up.

From Defending Traditional Marriage by Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr. (Chapter 13 Pgs. 209-218)...

Can Gays and Lesbians Become Heterosexual?

I've heard most of the arguments used by gays and lesbians against the possibility of changing their sexual orientation. But I know from my counseling experience that it is possible. I've seen many who were same-sex oriented. It's possible for these individuals to be just as attracted to and just as much in love with someone of the opposite sex.

The reverse is also true. Those who are attracted to the opposite sex can become attracted to the same sex. In fact, most of us can become sexually attracted to almost anything or anyone under certain conditions. Eliminate attractive opposite-sex alternatives, and people find that they can respond sexually to whatever happens to be available.

That's why I'm so concerned about educational programs in schools that teach children that we are born to be either same-sex oriented or opposite-sex oriented. In those early years when children are very impressionable, they may be influenced to believe they are gay or lesbian simply because they experience some same-sex interest.

Quite frankly, most children at one time or another will find themselves sexually attracted to members of their own sex. If, as a result, they begin to focus their sexual attention on those of the same sex and create skills and neural pathways that make same-sex relationships far more satisfying than opposite-sex relationships, it's easy for them to think they were born to be gay. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. On the other hand, if they recognize such same-sex attraction as a natural response to certain circumstances but remain open to opposite-sex attractions that will also develop, they'll likely go on to pursue opposite-sex relationships that ultimately will provide the stability and fulfillment they're looking for.

Sexual orientation is not determinded by birth but rather by choice. The truth is that we are all capable of expressing our sexuality in ways that we haven't even considered yet.

People can become sexually oriented to just about anyone or anything. And they can change that orientation if there is good reason to do so. In the case of gays and lesbians, a change to opposite-sex orientation can help them achieve more fulfilling relationships for themselves. And it provides the best opportunity to raise happy and successful children as well.

thank you so much, i will find him some therapist to work through his issues it really reassures me to see that i dont have to give up on him things have been hard since he returned from iraq hes really changed

I too am sorry you are facing this.

I am no expert but can tell you I have many gay friends of both genders and some were previously married and had children. They either married and had children before realizing they were gay or in order to deny and hide that fact due to societal pressures. Regardless of their reason for marrying and having children they eventually realized or came to terms with their homosexuality and ended their marriages to live their lives with a same sex partner. Some continue amicable relationships with their former spouse/and or children some don't.

Certainly heed Dr. Harley's advice. If it can't help you heal your marriage, at the very least, it can help you heal and move on with your life. If your husband decides he wants to live with his new same-sex love interest, you'll need help to move on and you will heal with all the help available.

I wish you well. Give it time.

Sure1.

thanks so much for the replies

I got another question how do I handle things w/ my children, their young now but sooner or later theyll have to face what there dad did and they should know that IMHO being homosexual isnt ok im sorry if that offends some people but my church always told me this and i believe them look at what kind of person my H has become!!! i don't want my children to turn out the same. I just have a hard time coming to acceptance with all of this, it's all so raw. i just found out, i know this guy he's in a relationship with, we always used to joke about him, he's this really artistic obviously gay man, i cant believe it, i want to call him and cuss him out.

**edit**

Hi Suffering

I can't tell you what to do. In fact, I don't believe anyone can as what would be right for me or anyone else for that matter won't necessarily be the right thing for you. You and I differ in our opinions on homosexuality. Like I said, I am no expert. I don't know if homosexuality is a choice or not and I don't know if it is "reversible" but regardless, I don't believe it is wrong though I am heterosexual.

I believe that YOU have to determine how to proceed with your life with or without your husband and how to best handle this with the children so that they are not torn between parents and so that they continue to know they are loved and supported by their mom and dad regardless of the issue(s) between them.

Please, please, don't drag your children into this painful situation between you and your husband. It should remain between the two of you. Isn't it bad enough you are hurting so badly? I see this much like sex education. Children handle well information explained in accordance with their age and it can be expanded upon as they mature more. When they are old enough for a candid, mature explanation of what happened, they will form their own opinion and make their own decisions around what happened and they won't be able to say one parent poisoned them against the other and you will have shielded them as much as possible from hurt during the process.

Best of luck.

thank you that is good advice. im sorry i offended ppl with my views its all just so hard for me to understand Dr Harley talked about exposing an affair im not sure what he means is that like telling everybody also your kids?

Are you still intimate with him? Probably not a great idea.

I believe "exposing the affair" is telling those who should know who can help you deal with this (not people who will "bash" your husband) and tell the children what is age appropriate only. I recommend you do a "Site Tour" and read "Basic Concepts", and "Articles" and "How to Survive Infidelity", and all the informaton on "Coping with Infidelity".

i will read it all. our relationship has been going downhill seriously he started to drink more when he got back from serving army time in Iraq. It seems he has problems he should work through, right now were not intimate and it brakes my heart

This thread is locked until clarification of multiple aliases is resolved.