Read my post before that I think you misunderstood me...

They are already nearly destroyed.

At least tell them both they've been betrayed. You can do that much.

I wish i knew what i was going to do, i'm trying here, im not rushing into calling anyone i want ot see what happens with my friends I want my husband to be here so we can talk, Im not telling him over the phone oh btw remember T, I slept with him ok bye bye love you see you when you come back.

Shes not gonna do it...shes already made up her mind..doin nothing is better. She doesnt understand that the damage is already done.

I agree with not telling your BH over the phone. You absolutely must tell him but wait until he is back and you can tell him face to face.

>I want my husband to be here so we can talk

I, for one, think that is reasonable.

It'll also give you time to read and to learn how to make certain you are NEVER in this position again.

What about the STD testing? You had your last round of tests BEFORE the sex. IMO (only mine...I can't speak for the others), if you went and got tested again it might go a little way towards proving your remorse to your DH and show him you are trying to protect him from this.

lokil,
How to intend to protect your BH's health for the next 6 months while you wait to see if you've picked up and STD or HIV??? A blood test will not prove HPV or HSV(herpes). There is an incubation period of 3 months to two years(in most cases).

You've said that you and your BH are trying to get pregnant. I would suppose that would mean he expects sex with you without protection. How will you now convince him otherwise?

Do you see how this lie grows bigger and bigger. It will one day consume you and possibly your M if you continue to live the lie.

You need to read up on this site about being vunerable to your weakness's and how to put extraordinary protections in place to protect both yourself and your M.

Your BH would expect no less. 14 months M'd and you are already unfaithful. As a man and a H, that would sure take the wind out of my sails. Your BH should have the truth to decide if he made a major mistake in marrying you. It's his right and you are denying him this right.

He could very well be justified in concluding he made a huge mistake, and you were not wise enough to be marriage material. But that's his choice, not yours. After 14 months of M, I know what mine would have been.

You can hide behind your actions for quite some time, but your M will become one not worth having without the truth.

JMHO

All Blessings,
Jerry

I agree with mindshare. I think youshould wait until he comes back ad tell him face to face.

And then I think you should call your friend and tell her, without warning her husband that you are going to do it.

I know you talked to him on the phone and you agreed not to tell anyone, but you know that that was a mistake, you can feel it in your heart. if you tell him that you are going to come clean who knows what kind of lies he will make up about you to justify himself. Believe me, he�s already a proven liar and cheater.

" I don't want to destroy other peopples lives just so i can have a clear concience."

You already have destroyed your friendship with the BW and both marriages.

They can rebuild theirs and so can you. Though nothing good can be built on a foundation of lies.

The BW needs to know that there is a cancer in her marriage.

Do you think the BW will go out leaving her WH alone in the house with another woman in the future?

Does her WH deserve blind trust?

Do you?

You can't ignore that there must be NC forever between you and the OM.

How are you going to explain to the BW that you can't see OM any more?

How are you going to explain to your BH that you can't see the OM any more?

How are you going to explain to the BH that the guy he is helping, loaning tools to, hangs out with, buys beers for, picks up the tab for is the same guy who banged BH's wife?

Right, but many of the people you are talking to had to be persuaded to tell their spouse as well.

Do you know how often someone comes to the forum and says they cheated but they don't want to tell their spouse? It happens all the time (about once a month) and then there are about 50 pages of people trying to tell them to come clean. They all say, "well my H will divorce me," or, "I don't want to destroy OP's marriage." Eventually, most come clean and put the pieces of their marriage back together, and then they come here and later tell the next person to come clean.

Honestly, do you REALLY think this is the first time OM has cheated on your friend? REALLY? My bet is that he's done this before and will do it again (if not it's only because he hasn't been married long enough, he will if again if he gets away with this one). That is why your friend needs to know, so she can work on her own marriage. How would you like it if you husband had sex with dozens of women behind your back and everyone knew but you? She needs a chance to set conditions in place that won't allow her husband to cheat or at least be able to make the decision to move on if he doesn't stop.

How did you think this happened in the first place? This wasn't a one night thing. OM has been meeting your ENs for quite some time now. I bet he met your emotional need for conversation and admiration. I bet since your H was away alot, you two talked quite a bit and probably flirted. OM has been laying the groundwork for this probably for quite some time. He just needed some alcohol to lower your inhibitions a bit and get his wife away for a little bit, and he could get what he's wanted for quite some time now.

This is why your H needs to know, so you don't do this again. You need to set some boundaries to prevent contact w/ OM or this may very well happen again. I know you say it will never happen again, but I'm sure if we asked you a week ago, you would have said this would have never happened in the first place. Who has the better track record right now?

We are not trying to beat you up, we are just trying to get you to see the reality of the situation. We are just telling you something you don't want to hear right now. We know, adultery is an awful thing, and I can imagine that you feel just horrible about it. We just want to make sure you don't compound your mistake because you are afraid of the consequences.

As for telling your husband that you cheated, but not tell him who, I bet he figures it out in short order. If he doesn't figure it out, it will eat at him until he does find out. Either way, the truth needs to come out before you can ever put this mistake behind you.

lokil, I do remember being where you are. In some ways, you are ahead of me at that stage because two days after cheating I felt no guilt - just a rush at the fatasy (yuk!)

It took a couple of months before I was completely worn down. Don't let yourself get to that point. It will be hard, it will be scary, and your H will be crushed. But it will be out there, like lancing a horrible sore. Then you can both decide how you are going to heal.

If I lived next door to you, I would go with you, hold your hand even. I believe that much in the truth. Don't waste time - I could have started recovery two months sooner if I hadn't held on to the secret. You will always regret cheating. I promise you will never regret telling the truth.

Thank you all for your sincere help and advice at this point this site is hurting me more than helping me so I need a break.

This site isn't hurting you. YOU hurt you.

lokil, at least do the decent thing and stay away from the OM and his wife. Don't compound the crime by darkening that woman's doorstep again. You should never go into her house again after what you did to her.

In addition to your husband, the OM's wife has to be told you did this to her. She may want to move. She will never feel safe in her house again because of the dirty thing you did in her home.

Lots of posts on this one in a short time span.

loki..how about this;

You don't tell,

your "friend" says he will tell your husband if you don't sleep with him again, because he didn't get a chance to finish the first time. What will you do then?

Don't think he will do that do you? But you also didn't think you would ever sleep with him.

No, you are hurting you. We are helping you. You are not helping you.

Here is some reading for you from others who have been in similar situations:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2219402#Post2219402

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2310679#Post2310679

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2291722#Post2291722

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2277863#Post2277863

Wow! So many replies!

Okay, for what it's worth here is my two cents..Keep in mind I am fairly new here too..

My H went to Iraq and while he was gone a mutual married friend hit on me. I told him no, and encouraged him to save his marriage. He begged me not to tell his wife b/c they were having problems with thier marriage already. They have two little ones and knowing his wife's temper and desire to leave already, I agreed to not tell. Well, my H knew I was keeping something from him and he assumed I was cheating, so he went and found a new woman, cheated on me, and now we are getting a D. Our mutual friend told his wife. I spoke to her also and she was mostly mad that we had lied. I told my H too, but by then it was too late.

Trust me...your H will know something is up and so will his W. You have got to tell before it's too late. It is the only way to recover your marriage. It will show your H you care enough to be honest. I really wish I had told my H. I wanted to, but felt I couldn't w/o destroying our friends marrige. They are together still and very happy...I lost my H and family and our kids are devastated.

And yes the lies compound the pain of the affair. My H lied to me about his A, and that is more painful than the truth; it really shows that you have zero feeling or compassion for any party involved...except yourself and the OM.

The people on here are trying to help you. Please trust them. The pain I'm going through is unbearable and I'd hate to see anyone else have to endure it.

Quoted from Melody Lane, pg 30

"The damage will be HUGE when he finds out you lied to him about it too. Every day you don't tell him is a new lie added to the list. You are just compounding the crime and making it worse."



I want to share a part of my story with you.




My H (before we were M�d) had a FBuddy relationship with a friend of the family, for a short while (we were not together at this time). They both lied to my face about it for YEARS.

Years where, I thought she was my friend: we camped, we bbq�d, we talked on the phone, I helped her plan her wedding & she mine, I threw her a baby shower, I stood up for her in arguments, she surprised us at our wedding (she wasn�t supposed to be able to attend) & then danced and flirted with my brand new husband (she was a friend, after all)� and I was none the wiser.

One day, I got smart and asked the right question. The physical relationship was confirmed. Keep in mind, this wasn�t even adultery or cheating, JUST LYING. You want to know how I feel now, YEARS LATER?


I feel so utterly, horribly, and completely disrespected. This person who pretended to be my friend lied to me; used me for my time, money, emotion, friendship; and actively disrespected me each and every time she was around me, over and over and over, for YEARS.


I�ve now known the truth for 2 years. I could care less about their FBuddy relationship. I DO care about the compounded YEARS of lies. This person, by her lies, was NEVER a friend to me. This person felt it was better to cover her rear and be selfish, than to be honest.

This person has now been excommunicated from my immediate family, from my extended family, and from our entire circle of friends, for life. (NC!)


I�ve never hated anyone, until I found out the truth about my so-called "friend". The saddest part to me, is that if JUST ONE of them had been honest, I wouldn�t have this hate to deal with. Things would have been different because I could have made more informed decisions about MY LIFE, had they just been honest.



This is EXACTLY what you�re doing to your husband and your so-called best friend, and it�s worse, because what you did IS adultery.

So if I feel this way about a hidden, FBuddy relationship, how is your BH and your so-called best friend going to feel after your YEARS of LIES?????

Something to ponder.



Edited to add: Oh, yeah, and they both *swore* that I could never find out...

If my DH had come to me broken and contrite and armed with what he had learned from MB four years ago after his first sexual encounter with OW, he would have saved us months of pain and agony and soul searching. You are so blessed to have stumbled upon MB. What you do with the information will determine your future.

God's Blessings,

Say