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#2314931 01/30/10 02:31 AM
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Hi. Long time reader, first time posting. My wife and I have been married for 19 years (I am 42. She, 40). The first half of our marriage was extremely rocky - she had 3 PA's & 3 EA's that I know of - but we stuck together & managed to raise two great kids in spite of it all. Both kids are in the top 10% of their class. My son just turned 18 and just received a full-tuition scholarship when he starts college next semester. My daughter is 15 1/2 and is performing at a high level as well.
The last PA was in 1999. We never received any formal counseling, however, we muddled through recovery surprisingly following some MB-type principles. It took us a couple years to become friends again. Our relationship continued to evolve to the point where I thought we were 'happily ever after'.
Then about four weeks ago, I stumbled across a series of emails from my wife to another man. A quick Google search turned up lots of info on OM. Never married, three court cases with judgments against him regarding child support, works as a landscaper, 36 yrs old, reasonably attractive.
I tried really hard to give her the benefit of the doubt on the email exchange, but it was clear, at least from her end, that it wasn't really innocent at all. She gave out her cell# in her second email to him, and when that emailed was returned, she put it out there that if he was ever near her work that she would like to set up a lunch date with him.
I sat on this information for almost a week going back on forth on what to do. I almost posted on MB at that time. This time around, I just felt numb. I had no idea what to do (still don't to be honest with you).
I finally confronted her by asking her to whom did the email address ***** @ yahoo.com belong to? Her skin immediately flushed red, her breathing was noticeably deeper, and she took a big gulp. She was evasive in her answer & casually dismissed it as just a classmate from the previous semester. After stonewalling me for a bit, she realized that I knew a lot more than I let on, and then she admitted she was reaching out to another man. She said she it was at its infancy & he never truly reciprocated her advances. She also realized that it could have lead to more, perhaps even a PA, but emphasized repeatedly that it never got anywhere. She said they had two classes together & spent a lot of time talking to each other. She was flattered that he talked to her, but the talk never advanced past the classroom, hence her emails attempting to extend their connection after the semester was over (emails took place a couple of days before & after Christmas).
She agreed to stop attending class at the same campus as OM & dropped her classes there � and not set foot on campus. However, two days ago, she took a long lunch to go back to the campus to see what she could do to keep her financial aid. She lied to me by saying she was in a lunch meeting at work, and I only found out by calling her work because I needed to ask her a question regarding my work. The person answering said she was out to lunch and there was never a company meeting. She lied & denied this one demanding that I call her coworkers to verify. Her hands started shaking & her voice cracking, so even though she was incredibly convincing, I knew she was lying. She fessed up to the lie, but even so, I have no way of knowing if she is telling the truth about only returning for administrative issues. It really upset me that not only did she break our deal about returning to campus that she suggested, she lied to me about it afterwards to the point of almost yelling at me for challenging her integrity.
To me, the betrayal of her reaching out to another man after all this time is one that I never saw coming. I was completely blindsided by this. We are at a pivotal point in our relationship with respect to our kids and their college future. There�s an awful lot at stake already without having to deal with the discord brought about by this quasi-EA. I say quasi because it seems more one-sided with my wife actively seeking the OM. She is genuinely remorseful and states that she does not know why she does these things.
I�d like to note that outside of all of the PA & EA garbage, she is an amazing mother. Like I said, the kids have been insulated for the most part from all of her affairs & are literally 4.0 students active in varsity sports, etc� Also important to note is that I�ve since learned that she has endured unreal amounts of sexual abuse by multiple family members starting at the age of her first known memories. She is also a couple of semesters shy from completing her undergrad degree in addition to holding down a great full-time job. She is willing to do whatever it takes to save the marriage. She dropped her classes at the campus where OM attends. She set up a joint meeting with a marriage counselor a couple of days ago, which went fairly well. She knows that I intend to post on MB & is willing to follow this thread & post when appropriate. The one point she keeps bringing up is that since it never turned physical, then I am overreacting. Also, she states that while her initial intentions were not innocent, she truly did not think far enough ahead that the relationship with OM might blossom. She only admits that in retrospect that it might have lead to PA, but that is not what she was thinking about when she reached out to OM. As I said earlier, I don�t know what to do at this point, and I know on here I�ll get some guidance and advice. Thank you for listening.

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You are not over-reacting and although I am sorry you had to come here I am glad that you did.
Even though you guys have survived Ea and Pas in the past it seems that there must be issues that have not been dealt with thourghly or comepletly yet. Your wife is reaching outside of the marriage for something she should be able to get in the marriage. If she is really seriyuos about improving your marriage she can get help here.

My sugestion is to order the books by Dr H and get counselled by ASAP. Don't assume that this affair will go away. You guys can make your marriage better than you ever had it before if you use these tools.

I am so glad that you have managed to shield the children so far from the affairs but they will eventually read between the lines so for your whole familys sake dig in here and with the harleys.

God bless


Me 56 Former BS
Widowed 5-17-09 --married 25 years.
4 children
DS-35 previous marriage--18-22 DGrandSons 6 and 4
Me former BS
DD-29 with DGDs 5 and 1yr
DSs 26 and 23
Teilhard de Chardin..We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience. ...Sounds about right to me.
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You are right to have felt and done so far. You call the Harleys at this point for counseling.

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I think you hit the nail on the head. She is an excellent mother, but not an excellent wife.

You must be a good father, too...as you have 2 very successful children who will hopefully not be hurt emotionally by what surrounds them.

Given your W's history of both emotional and physical affairs, it seems trust has likely broken down to a very low place. I guess maybe serving her an ultimatem. She needs to state clearly whether or not she wants to fix this marriage. If the answer is yes (which seems really queastionable if she is still seeking attention and comfort form other men)...you need to get help and set concrete goals and rules.

I wish you luck. Sounds like despite all the bad, there has been a lot of good too....not easy to walk away from, but that may be your best option in the long run if she is unable to be satisfied emotionally/physically by her H.

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Originally Posted by sortingitout
You are not over-reacting and although I am sorry you had to come here I am glad that you did.
Even though you guys have survived Ea and Pas in the past it seems that there must be issues that have not been dealt with thourghly or comepletly yet. Your wife is reaching outside of the marriage for something she should be able to get in the marriage. If she is really seriyuos about improving your marriage she can get help here.

My sugestion is to order the books by Dr H and get counselled by ASAP. Don't assume that this affair will go away. You guys can make your marriage better than you ever had it before if you use these tools.

I am so glad that you have managed to shield the children so far from the affairs but they will eventually read between the lines so for your whole familys sake dig in here and with the harleys.

God bless

Thanks sortingitout. I know you are right about not dealing completely with the EA's & PA's from the past. I think 'survived' is the best word for our situation. We both stuck our heads in the sand back then. Every few years I trigger on something, she doles a little more truth of her past affairs, we are miserable for a few days, and then we make it all go away until the next time.

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It really sounds like you two would do well with this program. On this forum you will get a lot of advice and points of view and they can help you think and reflect but the most important communication of course is the stuff you do in the marriage. That will be best done under the care of Doc H.
You both have done well in raising your family and have put these problems on the back burner to address what seemed more important at the time and i will bet,and tell me if this sounds correct in your sitch....

" During normal everyday life issues you have a thought or concern that triggers questions that are uncomfortable and after you both talk about them and come to an uneasy but palitable understanding...you both give each other a hug or a kiss and go back to life as normal and accept what has happened while living in the security that you "just love" one another and it will all work out in the long run."

If that sounds true then now is the time in your lives when you both can be set free from the chains that are holding you back from what marriage was meant to be. Now you can move foward and make all that hard work and devotion pay off for both of you. Now is the time in your lives where you can realise all your dreams together and it will have more freedom than any form of undiscilplined behavior could ever produce.
The truth is all of us really don't lose the capacity for romantic love, we condition ourselves with thoghts and circumstances to stuff the emotions away untill they come out desparatly seeking the excitment we need. As husbands and wives we need to learn how to care for each other and to be honest, many times watch out for the blind spots that our significant others will drive themselves into a mindset that seems like slavery. Learning about each others soft underbelly and weaknesses is a priveledge God gives us when we swear before him that we will care for each other.

My late wife struggled with many challanges in her life but whenever she would submit to authority she would pull herself out of her problems. I wish we had found MB a long time ago but I came here seeking answers after her death to see what specifically, if anything, I could have done better that might have prevented her suffering..
We, as you guys, also fought off the demons that attacked our marriage and our childrens lives and future emotional health with principals that I now see on this site. The differance is that we isolated ourselves instaed of reaching out. I can only be glad to support this site and MB principals as I see them as one of Gods tools for our lifes



Me 56 Former BS
Widowed 5-17-09 --married 25 years.
4 children
DS-35 previous marriage--18-22 DGrandSons 6 and 4
Me former BS
DD-29 with DGDs 5 and 1yr
DSs 26 and 23
Teilhard de Chardin..We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience. ...Sounds about right to me.
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 3
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OP Offline
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Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by sortingitout
" During normal everyday life issues you have a thought or concern that triggers questions that are uncomfortable and after you both talk about them and come to an uneasy but palitable understanding...you both give each other a hug or a kiss and go back to life as normal and accept what has happened while living in the security that you "just love" one another and it will all work out in the long run."

Wow. It's uncanny how similar this relates to our relationship. Just wow. And, yeah, I think we did a lot of isolating much like what you describe in your relationship. Only now do I feel like I am an open book. The old me never would have turned to MB or sought counseling. Thank you for sharing your experiences.


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