Seems many times I see posters urging disclosure because they feel that it is almost inevitible that the affair will come to light. But, in reading about affairs, I have seen studies that indicate that most go undetected. I think these are mainly the out of town deals where the cheater has a ONS or goes to hookers.
But, these studies indicate tht one can cheat and , most likely , get away with it. Does this sound right?

It sounds accurate. Not going to say it's right.

I know that with all the time I spent traveling for work last year, I could have cheated had I been so inclined. Glad I didn't.

My A occurred 3000 miles away from home, during a 2-week residency for my grad school program. I could have easily gotten away with it and never said a word. I'm sure my H would never have suspected a thing. That wasn't the road I chose, but I certainly could have.

Why do you ask?

Interesting.

I think that if a cheater has no conscience and is very good at deception, infidelity can and does go undetected a great deal of the time. I believe that remorse or stupidity, on the cheaters part however, can cause him/her to make mistakes which will lead to detection and/or confession. I was skeptical of the high stats on infidelity until it happened to me. Now I believe those stats and it is very disheartening. I worry about my married children knowing there is pretty much a 50/50 possibility they will be devastated by their partners at some point in time. I would never marry again.

I don't think that undetected affairs happen just miles away from the BS. I know of people who have had affairs and just were really good at hiding them. Dr H even states that there are many affairs that are unknown to BS's because they die their natural death and the WS just keeps the M going.

There are also times that I believe that affairs are known by the BS but the WS does not know that they have been "found out". I know a lady who knew of her friend's A. She thought his BW didn't know. Then that BW got alzheimer's and she would stand by her window and say, "WS, I know what you are doing out there with her. I know." My friend said it broke her heart that she never told her.

Hey lokil, you're still around. Sorry your thread got locked. How are you doing? I know your H is due home in a few days. Have you figured out what you're going to do? I know a lot of people gave you a hard time. Don't take it personally. It happens to every wayward who comes here deep in the fog. Someday, once the fog clears, you'll be thankful for that.

I really hope you've decided to do the honorable thing and tell your H the truth and give yourself some hope of having a healthy M.

Zelmo, I hear the stories that come out of the hairdresser salons. There is either a great deal of imaginative ladies or a great deal more unsuspecting cuckolded men in the neighbourhood.

Sadly, South Africa has had on of the worst divorce rates in the world.

I'm doing good thanks been reaidng the articles here and found them somewhat helpful.

That's a great start. I'm glad you're doing better.

Well, I was thinkig of the thread from the young woman who banged her friend's H while her own H was away. And, it also came up on LLL's thread when I suggested that , perhaps, her recent discovery was but the tip of the iceberg.
Seemed many posters were relatively certin that there would be discovery and that this was a factor in deciding to disclose. I wondered if folks were under the impression that the cheating was routinely discovered whn the studies indicate it seldom is.

I think the most tragic thing about As that are never found out is that they happened, they are a part of the marital fabric, whether the BS knows or not. They exist and affect the foundation of the M. How much better could the M be if there was open & honest communication between BS and WS?

It's so very clear to me that a willing wayward can hide an A. But the cost to the M just isn't worth it, whether the BS finds out or not.

The only trouble with this theory is that someone without conscience is more likely to repeat their infidelity over and over again. It's one thing to hide a one-time only ONS. It's a whole 'nuther can of worms to try to hide a lifestyle of that. At some point, even the AP's get suspicious. Think Tiger Woods.

Which study is this? I would like to take a look at it. Dr Harley has said on his radio show that most people LIE about affairs on self surveys so most of the information they have is very unreliable. [he cites a famous survey where people actually SAY they would not answer honestly and I can understand that]

How nice of you to encourage her to keep her secret!

I'll dredge it up and let you know.
But, as to the lying, I think that is more applicable to folks denying having affairs vs revealing they had one which went undetected. Clearly, the latter reflects poorly on the responder, thus making it less likely he or she would lie.

Yeah, but what if they are lying about lying?

Lying liars tell lies!

Ah, the old riddle.
Anyway, I just googled "undetected infidelity " and came up with a number of sites talking about "studies". I am computer illiterate, so cannot post links. But, Google turned up a fair number referencing this.

Well, I had absolutely no reason to think my H would ever find out about my A if I didn't tell him, and I still told him, because I knew it was the right thing to do. It never even occurred to me to not tell him. I had never kept anything from him before, so why would I keep something from him that deeply affected him? I knew I had done something terribly wrong and I was very ashamed and very afraid, but I knew he had a right to know.

I very much disagree that only the threat of being caught causes the wayward to come clean. My H told me the truth about his EA 6 months after it ended. He'd kept it from me that long, so he certainly could have continued to do so. I had no clue and was not on the cusp of discovering him. He had a conscience, and that is what lead him to tell me the truth. Some people still have those, you know?