I am different but better in many ways.

I don't run away from confrontation.
I think daily about how I can show intentional love to my DH.
I know how strong I am now.
I am sure that my faith will see me through any crisis.
I don't blindly trust my DH and I am learning to accept that.
I am much more in tune with my DH's state of mind and will call him on wrongful thinking or question him if I'm unsure.


26 years, I too wanted to send a letter to the OW, especially after she wrote me asking for forgiveness. I wanted to let her know that she hurt more than just me; she hurt my kids, my friends. That I did forgive her but I wanted her to learn something from this, just like I know my DH learned alot the hard way. But after talking to a number of people, I realized she didn't want to hear it, wouldn't listen and would be unaffected by my effort. I can't change her. I don't even want to try anymore. I didn't write the letter.

26years, sending a letter is the equivalent of sending an "explanation" even if the letter is full of "you are a _____". It serves no purpose other than to give her more material to mock you with. However, sending nothing shows her that she isn't even worth an explanation - far more insulting and painful. The former acknowledges her as a thinking, feeling human being, albeit a horrible one. The latter doesn't even give her that much credit.

Every time you feel the urge to send the letter, resist and know that your resistance is what's causing her pain.

Hi 26years. I totally agree with all those who responded that you should not send such a letter. Keep writing them as long as they help release your anger and bitterness then destroy them. Hopefully, in time, the anger will dissipate (that is what I hope for). I understand where you are coming from. Our situations are quite similar. What happened still shocks me as it was totally out of character for my husband as well. I could have sworn my wonderful man would never stray. Guess I just had him on some pedestal! Reality is, he made a huge mistake and since I have chosen to forgive him and work on healing our marriage to become better than ever, I need to push the OW out of my mind and concentrate on recovery.

The advice you have received from so many in this regard really helps me too. Our anger and bitterness toward the OW only hurts us, not the OW. So when I find myself obsessing about the "#*%?" and conjuring up the most obscene, disgusting adjectives to describe her and the most painfull experiences I wish upon her I say STOP! and remind myself that my FWH is with me, has nothing to do with her and is doing all he can to make it up to me. This way I obsess less and less and maybe some day the thought of her will evoke no feelings whatsoever and eventually there will be no thought of her at all.

Questions for all you recovered BS's: Is this realistic? Does a time ever come when the OW no longer enters your thoughts or at the very least, if she does, does it happen without evoking anger, bitterness or pain?

Keep working at it 26years. One day at a time.

Sure1.

Hi 26.

Sucks you have to be here - a member of the best club in the world that nobody wants to qualify for...

In answer to your thread's main question I have been wholly transformed by Squid's affair. I am not recognizable as the man I was up until 2004. I identify strongly with some of the common themes in the responses you have already received.

I no longer rely on anybody for anything that I can possibly do myself
I do not take anybody's word at face value.
I do not allow myself to need anyone.
I really do not care what others think of me as long as I am not ashamed of myself.
I am a terrible friend now, having lost all my my patient listening capability. If you want me fix something, ask me and I'll do it. If you want to whine without fixing anything, go call samaritans.

These changes are not necessarily BAD, but they are profound, and are a direct result of my experiences.

In your case 26 you are still in the chaos caused by a wayward in your marriage. Some of the things like snooping and loathing will change over time with your H's NC and investment in your marriage. You won't know what the effects of this affair will be in you until you have been in recovery some time in my experience.

Final change in me, well,I can quote an old MB friend of mine, Krazy71 :


I know this too.


All blessings 26

Hi Sure!

After five and a half years I still think of OM most days but it no longer causes me hurt. Its an ache that he still thrives and breathes clean air somewhere. I sought him out in 2007 and beat him up good to see if that would help make me feel "avenged" but it didn't. A good kicking is nothing compared to what he did to me.

I do know recovered marriages so fulfilling that the affair and the protagonists are simply faceless words from the past. it is most definitely realistic and possible !

I believe the answer is yes, Sure1. I've had a number of recent encounters with OW. While I can't say they haven't evoked any emotion at all, anger, bitterness and pain were not among them. The 2 most recent encounters:

1. When I served WXH with my small claims court claim. She answered the door and he wasn't there. Therefore, I was forced to speak with her. I knew in advance there was a possibility this would happen and I worried about being able to pull it off in a professional manner. As it happened, she practically crumbled at the sight of me on her doorstep. It was very easy to be professional when she was stuttering, stammering, turning red and basically falling apart. I realized what a weak, pathetic cockroach she is. I have no love for insects, but I don't waste anger or bitterness on them, either.

2. This past weekend she was pulling out of the gas station as I was pulling in. I'm pretty sure she didn't notice me, even though I had to wait a few moments to make a left off a fairly busy road. Her wrinkles were evident through the tinted glass at that distance and her hair looks like it hasn't been dyed or cut in some time. I realize that WXH is probably hounding her about the money she spends(spent) on her hair - reportedly $120 a month according to OWH. She used to have professionally-done highlights and contemporary hairstyles. Now she's mousy brown/grey with it all hanging straight down. Again, no anger, bitterness or pain - just a feeling of better her than me.

Wow, thanks alot. You all make a lot of sense. I get it and see the situation a little clearer now. No letter will be sent, my husband did do the NC letter. Even though I know she gonna think I forced him to do it or did it myself because that's how she is. When he called her and broke it off with her, he had her on speaker phone and told her that he loved me and she laughed at the statment. I wish I could have reached out and touched her. But I know she just did it to make me upset, and she did. My husband seems to be getting over her quicker then I am. Each day, it does get better.

I'm right there with you. I found out about 5 months ago because the OW (who pretended to be "her friend") sent me a horrible message on Face Book. She added details that my husband swears are not true. Needless to say, I am having a very hard time believing him. I honestly don't think he'll cheat again. He's been truly remorseful and he's become the husband that I've always wanted and needed. I just think he's holding back the entire truth.

I've become a depressed, obsessive mess. I keep searching the internet to see if the OW blogged or posted something that would give me some sort of clue to the REAL truth. I do know that she is mentally unstable, which is why I won't confront her. For example, she gave up custody of her children to be with her lesbian lover. Yes folks, you read that correctly.

Anyway, I'm trying to be the wife that my husband needs, but I'm so filled with hurt and anger that I don't even recognize myself anymore. I fear I cannot get passed this as long as I don't believe my husband. I feel stuck, but I do know that I love my husband and don't want to lose him. I know he doesn't want to lose me either.

I'm just a jumbled mess right now. It has also affected me as a mother. Instead of spending time with my children, I find myself hibernating in my room. I've cried everyday since September 1st. I'm so mentally exhausted. I want my positive, upbeat self back! Anyway, thanks for listening and know you're not alone.

znzsmom, please start up a thread for yourself so others can try and help you with this. Sorry you are here, friend.

{{{{MB'ERS}}}}},

Here's the thing.....Can you remember how you were when you were 18? How about 23? Or 28? Or 30?....Are you the same person today as you were back then??...probably not. People change all the time. Be it from age, time, circumstance's in life, trauma's, whatever they each may be, we are constantly changing. Our ideal's, thought, and value's change with each and every experience that we live through.....

I know some of you are asking if you will REMAIN the person you are now, having been touch by the hand of infidelity. No, you won't. I am two years removed from my Dday. Two years ago today, I was knee-deep in the throws of H's affair. And in May, I will be celebrating two years in Recovery. I can tell you, without a doubt, I am not the same person I was Pre-A, during the A or even in early Recovery. I had to go through the pain, the anger, the obsessive thoughts, just as each of you will. It is not a journey that you can take a short-cut on, go around, under or over. You MUST walk THROUGH it......

The question you need to be asking yourselves is "What can I do TODAY, to shape the person I want to be tomorrow?". Whether you end up recoving your marriage, going through a seperation, or end up divorce, walking through this fire is a REQUIRED step.

And through each phase of the journey, you will change. For some the anger will increase, other it will consume them. But all of that depends on you and what you learn, about yourself, your relationships, marriage. It is not the easiest of journey's, but the end can be so rewarding.

Yes, what happened to us is totally injust. But how it shapes you depends on the actions you take.....



YES.....OW is very little on my mind any more. I can't really tell you if a day goes by when I don't think of her, because if I think about it, I really can't remember every little thought I had the day before (hey, I have 3 kids....life is way too hectic here....). But she really isn't in the forefront any more. When she does enter my mind, there is really nothing there. Sometimes there is sorrow and pity. Sorrow for what she had to become in order to do this. I am a firm believer that what the AP'S need to do in order to engage in an affair is worse than what they do to us. It is a total demolishing of the human spirit. Very sad indeed......

But all of this didn't come right away. It took a long time before I began to feel and think this way about her. NC helps tremendously. Time is another factor.

I am truly sorry for everything all of you are going through. But please know, that it will not last forever.....and YOU have the POWER to make of this what you will......

not2fun

Bob_Pure, Tabby1 and not2fun,

Thanks so much for your replies and encouragement. I see light at the end of he tunnel. My FWH makes trememdous effort to help me/us through this and I am making progress. I guess I am just impatient and want this to be "gone" NOW.

It is so difficult to restablish the trust. For a while I think I am there then my insecurities pop up again over the stupidest things. My searing hatred for the S--t disturbs me as I have never hated anyone before and it is really difficult to let it go. I know it is irrational as she was only half of the equation and if I hate her I should also hate my FWH who is just as responsible. He could and should have said "NO". I can't hate him though I despise what he did. Guess I am directing my anger at the s--t.

Sorry for going on.... just needed to vent. Thanks again for your encouragement.

Sure1.