Not sure if this is the best place to make this post. Never been on a forum.

40 yr M ,wife is 38 we r Christians
married 20 yrs
3 kids
OM 40 divoced


Make this story as short as I can ... After suspecting for few years D-DAY came 10-2008, confronted my wife and within a few weeks I knew everything (?) . The A was with one of our childs best freinds divorced father . Small town hard to believe, but NO ONE KNOWS but us 3. She immediately stopped the 3 year long A and we both have done everything humanly possible to make things work. Counseling,books and retreats etc and on 8-2009 we had recommitment ceremony.Trust is slowly returning, I feel she loves me and wants to be with me forever. ( by the way he still wants her! )
THE PROBLEMS ! SEX and my mind
The A took place mostly at our vacation home, still have hard time returning to that place with her.
We have always had a great sex life, ( was not as good during the A) and the A was due in part of my lack of showing how much I loved her, however that goes both ways.Anyway when it comes to sex, I still have no self confidence, self esteem, I dont feel like I turn her on like he did. Based on tid bits of info , I think sex for them was very good also, some of the questions I made her answer now haunt me !I am in better then average shape ( small framed) and definatly more attractive the the OM. However I am not a " big " guy if you know what I mean.The OM is a large burly guy.
I can not get the sex from the A out of my mind, many times when we get done making love I get very depressed,even cry even when I know she is completely satified and had multiple O's, she constantly trys to convice me how happy she is.
QUESTION??
How to stop the images in my head?
How do you have confidence that " I am better then he was " ?
How do you handle that he was " larger " or lasted longer then you?

You would think after this much time I would have a grip on this, since everything else is going so well. But its getting worse.

Hope I posted in proper place, hope not to long.
Thanks in advance for any help.

Oh, man. What a tough one, I think.

My FWW will not even talk about her A. Anyway, she rejected me for years in the sex area with all kinds of excuses. I always thought it was me and became an expert in lovemaking. I am not well endowed, just smack in the middle of average. I have never ever lacked confidence because of my looks and care for my girlfriends and now my wife.

My wife crushed me with her years of rejection. I thought maybe I was horrible at it, although she told all the counselors including Dr. Harley that it was good to great, and I was the best lover she ever had, but it doesn't help when you feel that way about yourself now does it?

Educate yourself. I learned skills in bed and found out the true sizes of men (even though we've all been in locker rooms and seen that very few can brag about size). Look at it this way, most men are average right, or they wouldn't call it that. Having said that imagine what this big burley guy looks like with an average or possibly small one. Most of those guys are not well endowed and are VERY self conscious about their size.

I use to race triathlons competitively. Now imagine coming out of the ocean in a bikini, riding your bike 25 miles in that bikini, then running 6 miles with people along side of the road watching you. You get over it quick.

Anyway, you need to get over the A and the sex part will come (no pun).

I am sorry your wife has placed this burden on you. FWIW, I feel you are very much normal in having this insecurity, now.
In fact, you are really quite resilient, in that you can perform at all with your wife, IMO.
As guys, we will hear from some women that size does not matter. And, I beleive that may be true for many women.
However, men in this society are constantlt bombarded by messages to the contrary. I was watching SPike TV and it is running adds for "Extenze" with all these testimonials emphasizing the importance of increaing one's size. Women get this type of message relative to parts of their boodies, as well. It is truly dysfunctional, IMO.
Nevertheless, it does lodge in one's subconcious. And, this is brought to the forefront when one's spouse has chosen a lover who has characteristics other than our own.

It is the old "Genie is out of the bottle" deal. We want to beleive it when our spouse says she is satisfied and these characteristics were not important. But, that is juxtaposed against the fact that she did, in fact, seek this particular type of guy out. Throw in the cultural bobardment, particularly prevalent in the US relative to the importance of size, and you have a very difficult situation, especially if you had any insecurity in this area to begin with.
I wish folks who cheat and then want to restore their marriages would consider this aspect before taking the plunge. Unfortunately, with their mindset as they are at the time they cheat, the impact on the BS seems to be the least of their concerns.
I suppose it is helpful that your Wife is having orgasms, as that is concrete proof that she is being satisfied by you. Again, with the prevalence of faking in that area, however, one may still have doubts.
It is terribly unfair and unkind, IMO.

Did WW send a NC letter.

Is there NC between your family and the OM and his family?

Do either of you work with the OM?

Do you or your WW still run into the OM?

tmu, I cannot give you advice on how to get the pics out of your mind, since I was the WH, not the BH. However, I would like to comment on one thing:

Sex is not just a physical act, my friend. It is an emotional need. It is the emotional bond and the romantic love that occurs during SF. If you keep her love bank filled, that creates romantic love between you that increases the pleasure of SF exponentially. Think mental/emotional, not physical.

Good to see you got posted in the right place and are getting responses already, Torn. You say that after a few years that no one knew but you three. I hate to say it but in a small town, I highly doubt that. It is possible that even the children in both of your families know. People caught up in an A think that they are being very discreet and sneaky and often the BS is the last to know.

Just please tell me that you exposed to the OM's BW. If she does not know about it, no one is watching from OM's side to be certain that this never rekindles. Also, NC for life is very important. If you are still running in the same social circles and both you and FWW are seeing OM, it will be very difficult for both of you to free your minds from the pictures of the A.

Read everything that you can find on this site including lots of other threads by people in similiar situations. You will get excellant advice here to get through this tragic, life altering experience to a better, more caring M.

God's Blessings,

Say

I think the OM is divorced, right?

My FWW told the OM that it was over and she never wanted to see or talk to him again. I trust this to be true based on email accounts and phone records and GPS, that she has no idea that I can access, I even know what calls she has makes from work. ( dont ask how I get this info ) LOL

I also confronted him once after D-Day and another after he tried to contact her again, he completely understands , I do feel he will try again, ( he has nothing to lose ), I feel he may let it out about the A, thinking it may split us up.We will deal with it when it happens.

My son still hangs out with his son, we dont see the son very often.

She never hardly see's the OM, I see him few times a week around town. Both are kids are in same grade and will be graduating this year, so the next few months we will see him quite a bit. The family have no or little contact with each other, dont hang in same cicles.Due to our kids age we are not able to leave the area, we plan to in a few years.

We dont work with OM, and with our jobs have no reason to cross paths, he works out of town .

Yes they the OM is divorced, he has no one watching him !

Parents?

Maybe some counseling can help you deal with this> Talking to folks here can help, too. You are in no way alone on this issue.

You need to read up here about the importance of NC.

You need to move far away to remove the OM and his kid from intruding ing your lives.

Every time you see the OM and his kid you are constantly triggering. This triggering over and over will keep you from healing.

Moving is a must. When there is no NC the chance of the affair restarting is to great. Your town is too small to avoid OM.

Do you want to tell your son he can't be friends with the OM's son because he was doing his mom?

As to school, kids move mid year all the time. So you put up your house forsale. It may take to June to sell it any way. Then move. Go to a better climate.

I know it sounds naive. I am a very high profiled individual , so is our family. I know what you mean about rumor mill of a small town.

I have had sex with half the women in town, listening to the gossip over the last 20 years , we have swopped spouses, all kinds of stupid stuff. I have had women call my wife and tell her I was sleeping with them.

Trust me ,none are true. I am a faithful man.

I think I would know if it was out, however it really is not that big of a deal if it did get out. Most would never believe she would ever do that anyway.

God knows how everything stands, not worried about what others think.

What a weird little town. Peyton Place, by any chance?

"not worried about what others think."

Moving is not about fearing that the affair will get out and be known.

Moving is about removing the triggers so you can heal and get the OM out of your mind and your bed room.

I agree that moving would be much better.
It is not an option at this time, how I wish it was.

Its not that big of a problem with my son being freinds with OM's son, you are correct, I dont like seeing any member of the family and it does set off some triggers. Both kids are going off to school in a few months anyway.

I would never say anything to my kids about the A. They love their mother, I wont hurt them or her by doing that.

Thought you could use a woman's perspective: size does NOT matter! We do not go around with measuring sticks when we pick guys! I have talked about this with alot of women friends and we all agree that this is one of the LAST things we think about when considering romance.

In addition, I have a medical background and have had the pleasure (?) of seeing many naked men in my life and honestly, there is rarely a significant difference in male parts.

The important thing to me, and I believe to most women, is how you make us feel. If you can convince me that I am beautiful and smart, that the earth is a better place because I'm in it,that you love me exactly as I am, you have a really good chance of satisfying me. (Thankfully, I have my boundaries in place and you would never get that close to convince me of that!) LOL!

I agree with everyone on here that your issue has less to do with the bedroom and everything to do with the town. You need to move away, sell the freakin' vacation home, and get a fresh start. There is no way you will stop comparing yourself to the OM if you see him regularly and you know there's a chance of your DW seeing him.

How can you even enjoy your vacation home?

You need to be more specific about you can't move. I don't see any reason that you have posted here that would stop you from moving.

However everything you have posted here says you need to sell both homes and move. Not a panic sale, but move ASAP.

You want to heal. Complaining here and not doing anything will not help you heal.

Little thread jack here...

Man wakes up in the hospital. Doc says you were in a terrible accident, but everything is fine except you lost your penis.

Good news is your insurance will pay up to $9,000 to replace and with the new technology we have now we can replace said appendage, buts it is not cheap, it's $1,000 an inch. If you go with the 6 inches your wife may be disappointed, go with 9 and it may be too much, so talk it over with your wife and let me know tomorrow.

Next day, doc says, well what have you decided?......wait for it.... wwaaaaiit for it.............

Guy said well, doc, WE have decided on granite counter tops.

But seriously folks

It's the MOVIES in his head....plus the town and vac home triggering him, but the movies are making him weep.

You are very lucky that your wife is attempting to heal this part of the many faceted adultry prism. Tell her to keep up the sexual healing.

The movies should fade, but it sounds like you are obsessing on this dude. HE IS NOT WORTH YOUR SWEAT AND TEARS. HE IS THE LOW LIFE POND SCUM.

You are on the high road. Your wife sounds remorseful, and willing to work to rebuild the M.

Do not obsess on this POS, he is not worth your consideration.

imho

kirk

We both want to move and our goal is to move

The vacation home will be sold when the market turns around, we both agree on that. No reason to list it now, would be wast of time.

Our home we are living in, we have no problem getting ride of it also, based on the todays market we will get get 60% of what we have in it. Even with that , we are willing to walk away from it and take the lose.

The main reason is , our jobs will not allow us to move anytime soon. We are looking for job opportunities and have no problem leaving
" Payton Place " as soon as we can.

Also, we must keep are teenage kids in mind.

Is it fair to completly change our lives,because of my insecurities ?

We all have unique circumstances that have to be worked through.