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fskw Offline OP
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It's been almost 5 years since I cheated on my husband. I am very sorry and wish I could take it all back. We made the decision to stay together and work on our marriage of 15 yrs. I am very grateful that he didn't leave because I do love him and always have. Here's the problem causing me sadness----if I don't have sex with him for some reason he goes off the deep end! I must be cheating! I don't love him! Me and the kids are on egg shells from the tension. This is causing me to feel like I have to have sex or else, which builds up resentment and takes away from our sex lives. I don't know how to handle anymore. Will he always use this to control our sex lives?

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Have sex with him (joyfully and lovingly) whenever he asks.
Problem solved.



For what it's worth, the only time I turn down my H's request for sexual fun, is for medical reasons.
I am 60 years old.
Walk the walk, don't talk and not walk.


Last edited by Pepperband; 02/04/10 03:38 PM.
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Why has your BH not moved on?

Did BH know the OM?

How did affair end?

How did you meet the OM, work, neighbor?

Is there NC?

How was the BH reacting to not getting SF before the affair?

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fskw Offline OP
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Why didn't I think of that

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fskw Offline OP
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I'm not sure why my husband hasn't moved on, I like to think it's because he does love me. Although when I have to face these type of consequences if I'm not in the mood for more than 1 day I seriously question that love.

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I would guess your husband is triggered by being turned down. How many times did you turn down the OM?

Originally Posted by fskw
Although when I have to face these type of consequences if I'm not in the mood for more than 1 day I seriously question that love.

I am sure he questions your love when you turn down him but did not turn down the OM. I don't mean to upset you but let you know his perspective. You both need to POJA this one.


Me: 32 BS DDay: 9/14/08
Slowly coming to the realization that I
am one of those who can't get past it.
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I bet she NEVER turned OM down. Being a BS is worse than loosing a child. This is my exact story, it's crushed me and it's been 8 years. The rejection kills me in absolutely every area of my life!

Your post makes me cringe.

Why not have sex when ever he wants it? Make love to the fact that he wants you and only you. He could always step out on you couldn't he, but he is voicing to you what he wants. If years go by and he does, will you not wonder if maybe getting rejected and not having the frequency of sex will tempt him? I bet my life that if your kid/s asked for something that took 20minutes to 45 minutes from your time, you'ld drop everything and do it, or make time to do it later... why not sex?

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I am in the position now that my wife is needing to make up for 13+ years of rejection. She is trying real hard and I bet I could have sex 2 times per day if I asked, but the pain and resentment is still there somewhat. If it's not gone by the time my youngest graduates (7+ years), I will be leaving her. I resolved myself to this.

It's getting better, but not fixed. Don't put him through this, I'm begging you. If he needs to change, sit down and talk about what you want too, but do not withold for stupid reasons.

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Originally Posted by fskw
if I'm not in the mood

Have sex with him (joyfully and lovingly) whenever he asks.
Problem solved.

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I bet she NEVER turned OM down. Being a BS is worse than loosing a child. This is my exact story, it's crushed me and it's been 8 years. The rejection kills me in absolutely every area of my life!

Your post makes me cringe.


good timing - because this is my internal struggle with my wife. I always had high libido whereas in the course of 30 yrs would be up and down - usually because of kids and post partum - i get it and never harassed.

Meanwhile I did not take the numerous opportunities available. during the affair times - there was a dry spell over a year while I am sure she had her needs met.

five yrs later and we have been through the high season and now coming to a low season -

If there was anything that bothered me the most - it was the fact I was denied and rejected and the "gift" was given to someone else when her libido was high season and she was probably the most attractive. Bad trigger - sorry


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Originally Posted by fskw
It's been almost 5 years since I cheated on my husband. I am very sorry and wish I could take it all back. We made the decision to stay together and work on our marriage of 15 yrs. I am very grateful that he didn't leave because I do love him and always have. Here's the problem causing me sadness----if I don't have sex with him for some reason he goes off the deep end! I must be cheating! I don't love him! Me and the kids are on egg shells from the tension. This is causing me to feel like I have to have sex or else, which builds up resentment and takes away from our sex lives. I don't know how to handle anymore. Will he always use this to control our sex lives?

Why assume it's control? Why not own the reality that your affair will create long lasting questions?

I wouldn't assume it's control or manipulation. I'd take him at his word and if you are not enthusiastically engaging in sex with him, then it's going to make him wonder if you are cheating again.

It is a natural consequence of your past decisions.

I agree with Pep, enthusiastically meet his need for SF every time he asks and more often initiate SF yourself, and I suspect that will go a long way towards avoiding that scenario you describe.

The choice is yours, you can be resentful, or you can enthusiastically meet his legitimate need for SF.

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Originally Posted by fskw
It's been almost 5 years since I cheated on my husband. I am very sorry and wish I could take it all back. We made the decision to stay together and work on our marriage of 15 yrs. I am very grateful that he didn't leave because I do love him and always have. Here's the problem causing me sadness----if I don't have sex with him for some reason he goes off the deep end! I must be cheating! I don't love him! Me and the kids are on egg shells from the tension. This is causing me to feel like I have to have sex or else, which builds up resentment and takes away from our sex lives. I don't know how to handle anymore. Will he always use this to control our sex lives?
I completely understand your H's POV. My FWH had sex at every opportunity with xOW and now we rarely have SF. The only explanation he can give me is he just isn't that interested any more and doesn't think about it that often. From my perspective it hurts like h*ll and triggers me sometimes back to when he was actively wayward. If you turning him down triggers him then don't turn him down unless is a medical reason like pep said.

How long was your A? I think there is some background information here that we need to understand your H's triggers.
'


Faith

me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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From this web site:


Quote
And that's what I always seem to be battling when I try to encourage one spouse to avoid doing anything that would hurt the other spouse. I cannot seem to trigger empathy. Each spouse complains about how thoughtless the other spouse is, without much awareness of his or her own thoughtlessness.

Lack of empathy helps makes thoughtlessness possible. Since we don't feel what other's feel, we tend to minimize the negative effects we have on others, and consider our thoughtlessness to be benign.

Increase your OWN empathy level in regards to your husband's feelings.
Your H desires you physically, thank God!
Your rejection hurts him.
Is this a difficult concept?

My experience is, when I am receptive and loving toward my husband, he will do whatever it takes to make my day a good day.


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Pep,

My W is finding this to be true for her as well... funny how that works!

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Your BS is going off the deep end due to your actions. Coming from a BS, I know how he feels. Our D-Day was 10-08 and when my wife does that to me, all I think about is her and the OM
1 She never told him no
2.She would rather be with someone else
3.I dont please her
4.He was or is better then me.
5.She does not love me

All these comes to my mind and the images also come.

You may need to show him how much you love him in every way you can as long as it takes.

Do you know his love language read the book "The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman" , he may have other ways you can show him besides sex, I know I do.

All he wants is to know that he is the most inportant person in your life,and that he is the best lover you have ever had, talk with him tell him.

You have the responability to him.
I cant tell you how long it will take, I just know it has taken over 16 months and counting for me.

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He needs it to feel secure. You tore the ground out from under him. Sex puts the ground back under him. It is the way men connect with their wives. Women do it with conversation, men do it with sex. He is not using you as an object. He is using it as an anchor for your marriage. How long was your affair anyway? Was it only sex, or a full on emotional affair?

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Quote
Here's the problem causing me sadness----if I don't have sex with him for some reason he goes off the deep end! I must be cheating! I don't love him!


As others have stated your rejection of him for sex appears to be a huge trigger for him.
That being said if it is causing resentment and sadness on your part and then it becomes important to implement a POJA where both of you are empethetic to each others feelings.
If indeed "you not being in the mood" is a triger for you BH then you are going to have to find a way to reach out to him in that moment and help reassure your BH. Triggers are very hard to overcome and it will take some sacrifice on your part to help heal your H's wounds.
Quote
This is causing me to feel like I have to have sex or else, which builds up resentment and takes away from our sex lives. I don't know how to handle anymore. Will he always use this to control our sex lives?


I do however see how this is impacting you and hence your relationship . If it has indeed been 5 years since end of A and reconciliation then I do understand your sadness. I dont believe that the WS is required to pay for their mistake for the rest of their lives.
Have you and your BH ever had an open converstion about how this is a growing issue for you?
IMHO Sex should never be about control.


FBW(me)- 45
FWH- 53
D-day 4/29/08
Moving forward pursuing happiness & a loving Marriage with DH.
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fskw

"I'm not sure why my husband hasn't moved on, I like to think it's because he does love me. Although when I have to face these type of consequences if I'm not in the mood for more than 1 day I seriously question that love."

If you could do something like answer the questions I posted instead of the nonsense we can start to focus in and provide help.

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fskw:

Something led you to this site, and to post your first post.

What was that? What you are complaining about or something else?

Whatever it is, the REASON you posted is you WANT to change what is happening in your life. You may have THOUGHT that it was ALL YOUR HUSBANDS fault.

And you found out from people who are in your husbands shoes what it is really like for your husband.

I give it to you from your side of the street.

Everything that has been posted to you is TRUE.

Its up to you to fix this. And that is why your posted. You knew that to fix this, something had to change.

And that change is you. You can do it. It is WORTH IT.

My BS has to process 4.5 years of my very physically active affair EVERY TIME we have SF. I make it possible for her to do so by NOT being the person I used to be.

It is WORTH IT.

LG

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I agree. Why would you refuse sex after having cheated? He is hurt by this. You need to stop refusing.

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