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If this helps anyone to help me with talking to my fog-deranged WS...The note he left me this morning.
"FYI I was at work yesterday afternoon. Not that it matters much"
Now, I wasn't born yesterday and my thoughts are if you were going in to work there would not have been the need for all the lies. And then not even an I'm sorry...or I have really screwed things up....again nothing.
I do not even see a glimpse of who I use to be married to, he used to be the most responsible person I knew....
Me:BW
Dday:12/31/09-Found MB 01/03/10
3DstepChildren24&20
PlanA:01/03/10
PlanB:03/25/10
D final 11/15/10
"I dare you to find some time and some place to be silent for longer than usual; a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours. Listen to your heart, listen to your soul; and most importantly, listen to the silence to see what it sounds like and how it speaks to you."
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I do not even see a glimpse of who I use to be married to, he used to be the most responsible person I knew.... While he is a WH you wont recoganize him. His body has been possed by an Alien. You keep looking for your H in there. He has been locked up and kidnapped. The "person" you are dealing with is not him.Until and unless he can free himself from the A you wont see your H again. The better you understand who and what you are fighting the better your chances at victory.
FBW(me)- 45
FWH- 53
D-day 4/29/08
Moving forward pursuing happiness & a loving Marriage with DH.
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Well the story only gets better. The OWH was able to print her emails and text messages and brought them into work showing that many were done on company time. He is trying to get WS fired. Not only will my marriage fall apart, but so will any financial security. Missy, it almost seems that OWH is doing the work on his end that you cannot achieve on yours. Don't forget: Your WH is the OM in his eyes! I cannot believe that WS is willing to throw his entire life away on someone most of our friends don't even like.
WTF!!!!!!! Ah, such is the wayward mind set. How well I know what you're feeling. As to what to do now? I'm afraid that you already know that there are things beyond your control. WH does not seem to be aware (or care) that the A is being attacked from both sides (which is a good thing, actually). When he gets home, I would continue in Plan A, but keep working on preparing for Plan B. If WH does not know OWH is attacking on the work front, you have the advantage because you can prepare for the potential fallout. Talking about how he is jeopardizing his job is a potential LB. But you could approach this from another angle, such as asking, "What would you do if you found yourself in need of a new job?" (I probably wouldn't be quite as direct). In other words, rather than try to educate him on the consequences of his actions, try to get him to think about how things in his life might change by influences outside his control. There is an acronym used in A.A: FEAR = False Expectations Appearing Real. Fear can paralyze us, or it can motivate us to action. I advise you to not project the fear of job loss at this time, but to use the possibility in an attempt to start a dialog. Who knows, if you and WH find you can share your concerns, it might actually work to make deposits in the LB$.
Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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Missy, you have no other choice but to continue with Plan A. Well actually she does have a choice, but a continued Plan A is an option. Missy, get your Plan B together so it is ready when/if you need it. Also, I strongly recommend that if BH goes after WH's job, you stand back and let WH deal with the fallout. So long as the BH's tactics don't cross the line of making up other things or threatening you and your kiddos, stand back. You can also let him know that what goes for your WH goes for his WW as well. If he doesn't like that...well too bad. Try not to get confrontational with him but don't let him get away with being a hypocrite either.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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I have continued throughout all of this to remain calm, to be the beacon on the lighthouse....It is definitely getting harder.
I am continuing to gather the information that I need.
I guess I will know when I have had enough and file for a legal separation.
I am only starting to realize the depth of what all of you have been saying.
I keep expecting him to just drop the whole A and attempt to recover marriage, but I am sure that we are going to sink to levels I had not thought possible.
My SIL and MIL have commented that they cannot believe that I have been able to remain as calm as I have...I am pretty sure it is due to MB.
I cannot imagine that WS's chaos and torment feel good, he now chews antacids like they are candy. I hope some of the balls in the air are starting to fall, I have to wonder how far all of us will go down.....
Me:BW
Dday:12/31/09-Found MB 01/03/10
3DstepChildren24&20
PlanA:01/03/10
PlanB:03/25/10
D final 11/15/10
"I dare you to find some time and some place to be silent for longer than usual; a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours. Listen to your heart, listen to your soul; and most importantly, listen to the silence to see what it sounds like and how it speaks to you."
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I have to wonder how far all of us will go down..... As far as it takes for the trampoline to bounce us back up. 
FBW(me)- 45
FWH- 53
D-day 4/29/08
Moving forward pursuing happiness & a loving Marriage with DH.
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Wow
Well, I am being made to feel as though much of this is my fault. However, I have remained calm, made dinner, and managed to not break down in front of him.
I did ask him if the torment and chaos his life has become was worth it all.....He said - hmmm....NO.
I also stated that all of this is due to his poor choices and not mine. He answered - I realize. (I don't think he does though)
I will continue with plan A, but I am planning for B... (I think I have all financial documents lawyer needs). Not sure where this ride is going right now. At least I will get a little break. He must go out of town for 1 night for job.
Of course, he is still convinced that he will lose job.
I just don't know....
Me:BW
Dday:12/31/09-Found MB 01/03/10
3DstepChildren24&20
PlanA:01/03/10
PlanB:03/25/10
D final 11/15/10
"I dare you to find some time and some place to be silent for longer than usual; a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours. Listen to your heart, listen to your soul; and most importantly, listen to the silence to see what it sounds like and how it speaks to you."
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Is it normal that I am being made to feel guilty and that he barely speaks to me or looks at me.
Again, I am just trying to be the calm in this sh*t storm.
I hope this is a good plan A????
Me:BW
Dday:12/31/09-Found MB 01/03/10
3DstepChildren24&20
PlanA:01/03/10
PlanB:03/25/10
D final 11/15/10
"I dare you to find some time and some place to be silent for longer than usual; a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours. Listen to your heart, listen to your soul; and most importantly, listen to the silence to see what it sounds like and how it speaks to you."
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Is it normal that I am being made to feel guilty and that he barely speaks to me or looks at me.
Did you do something worthy of guilt?
If not, then you cannot be made to feel guilty.
He cannot make you feel guilty against your will.
Drop your excessive sense of responsibility.
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Wow
I did ask him if the torment and chaos his life has become was worth it all.....He said - hmmm....NO. I also stated that all of this is due to his poor choices and not mine. He answered - I realize. (I don't think he does though)
Plan A does not include lectures or lessons.
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Stop lovebusting behaviors.
from the site:
Quote:
Selfish Demands
Disrespectful Judgments
Angry Outbursts
Annoying Habits
Independent Behavior
Dishonesty
I think it is impossible to completely stop ALL ~LB~ behaviors during the initial SHOCK of discovering your spouse is/was unfaithful
having said that
if the affair continues
once you start Plan A ... YOU must be in control of your emotional outbursts
ASK the board for HELP to do this from carrot stick thread
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Stop lovebusting behaviors.
from the site:
Quote:
I know, I know - I have tried so hard not to do that. Sometimes it is so very difficult.
Selfish Demands
Disrespectful Judgments
Angry Outbursts
Annoying Habits
Independent Behavior
Dishonesty
I think it is impossible to completely stop ALL ~LB~ behaviors during the initial SHOCK of discovering your spouse is/was unfaithful
having said that
if the affair continues
once you start Plan A ... YOU must be in control of your emotional outbursts
ASK the board for HELP to do this from carrot stick thread
Me:BW
Dday:12/31/09-Found MB 01/03/10
3DstepChildren24&20
PlanA:01/03/10
PlanB:03/25/10
D final 11/15/10
"I dare you to find some time and some place to be silent for longer than usual; a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours. Listen to your heart, listen to your soul; and most importantly, listen to the silence to see what it sounds like and how it speaks to you."
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Posts: 35,996
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I know, I know - I have tried so hard not to do that. Sometimes it is so very difficult.
Come here and vent away.
Leave your DJ's in the bathroom sink.
Go in there, brush your teeth and foam at the mouth muttering your DJs.
Then *spit* them in the sink, and rinse.
Then look at yourself in the mirror and say out loud:
"You can do this!"
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Ok, I am ready to hear more advice on what I should do and should not do.
Any suggestions on what I can say at this point???
I always thought I was pretty smart, but I have to admit - I feel like a complete idiot on what I should and should not be doing and saying. I still feel lost and do not like my inability to navigate in this territory.
Me:BW
Dday:12/31/09-Found MB 01/03/10
3DstepChildren24&20
PlanA:01/03/10
PlanB:03/25/10
D final 11/15/10
"I dare you to find some time and some place to be silent for longer than usual; a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours. Listen to your heart, listen to your soul; and most importantly, listen to the silence to see what it sounds like and how it speaks to you."
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Did you read the carrot/stick link? All of it? Not just the first bit.
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How are you doing with those anti-D's?
Are you getting enough sleep?
How much time do you spend crying? Every day? How long?
How many times have you visited a friend or family this week?
Are you exercising?
Are you doing good things for yourself to keep you "taker" away?
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From Dr Harley:Originally Posted By: Dr Harley
When a WS refuses to leave the lover, there are no good options for the BS. At first, plan A is recommended because there is a slim hope (15%) that, with encouragement, a WS will make the decision to leave the lover. But 85% don't do that, even when plan A is implemented perfectly. That leaves two other choices which are both bad. The first is to continue plan A indefinitely, trying to encourage the WS to leave the lover, and the second is to initiate plan B, which is to completely separate from the WS. The problem with a coninuation of plan A is that it usually leads to severe emotional symptoms, including years of post-traumatic stress disorder, even when the WS eventually returns. Many women that I've counseled actually have nervous breakdowns in their effort to draw their WS back to them. Instead of making the BS attractive to the WS, plan A actually makes these poor women so unattractive that it completely eliminates all hope of reconciliation. And 95% of all affairs eventually "die a natural death." If you do absolutely nothing, they usually end.
So I've recommended plan B rather early in the effort to separate the WS from his lover.
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How are you doing with those anti-D's?
Are you getting enough sleep?
How much time do you spend crying? Every day? How long?
How many times have you visited a friend or family this week?
Are you exercising?
Are you doing good things for yourself to keep you "taker" away?
I am trying.. The anti D have started to kick in and I am starting to feel much less anxious. I spent the night at my brothers last night for a needed break. I am still exercising almost every day. I have a pretty good support system of friends and family I can talk to. I get about 4-5 hrs of sleep a night with the help of the anti D and ambien. I cry on and off throughout the day for a little bit at a time, however I am able to "keep it together" at work when I am with patients. Hows that?
Me:BW
Dday:12/31/09-Found MB 01/03/10
3DstepChildren24&20
PlanA:01/03/10
PlanB:03/25/10
D final 11/15/10
"I dare you to find some time and some place to be silent for longer than usual; a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours. Listen to your heart, listen to your soul; and most importantly, listen to the silence to see what it sounds like and how it speaks to you."
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Posts: 614
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Me:BW
Dday:12/31/09-Found MB 01/03/10
3DstepChildren24&20
PlanA:01/03/10
PlanB:03/25/10
D final 11/15/10
"I dare you to find some time and some place to be silent for longer than usual; a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours. Listen to your heart, listen to your soul; and most importantly, listen to the silence to see what it sounds like and how it speaks to you."
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Posts: 35,996
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You probably could use more sleep.
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