Thank you so much for your response (and your husband's response), It is encouraging to hear that you both are recovering and that there is hope for me (us).
Unfortunately we don't have a good support systems. We essentially do not have any family anymore (what little family we do have is not apart of our lives). We do have friends but I am not sure either of us would feel comfortable talking to any of them about this. I feel embarrassed that this has happened.

Thank you for your thoughts on this...I am sure that you are right. I hurts to think that he may have changed and acted in a way that is not consistent with who he is/was. I am concerned that this new devotion to me could be temporary, as temporary as his affair was, as I mentioned in an earlier post, how do people just change to have the affair (became a liar and cheater) and then just expect to change back as if it didn't happen (back to loving husband and father)?

His remorse was immediate and he said he told the OW that he never wanted to see her again and that he loved me and the encounter was a mistake. When he admitted the affair, he cried, he has never cried in the 15 years we have been together.

The OW did try to contact him several times and he finally told her he would contact the authorities if she contacted him again. As far as I can tell she has not tried to email, text or call him since the first week in December. But he was able to keep his friendship a secret for 2 months before he told me about her. I am hopeful that he is genuine about his feelings for our recovery but tired of feeling insecure.

Thank you for sharing your situation and encouragement.

Once, about half a year ago, my handbag was sitting on the table, open. And wouldn'tcha know, I didn't push the VAR far enough into it and he saw it. Oops. He asked what it was and I said "It's a voice activated tape recorder. My intention was to hide it but it sucks as far as reception goes, so I have to get a better one. We looked at each other for a looong second and I gave him a sweet smile. He's never asked about spying tools since.

I thank you for this topic, as I understand why you posted it. I started a thread back in August during our false recovery on this very topic.

Forgiveness is an act or attitude, IMHO, that I CHOOSE. I chose to forgive my husband, I think, immediately. Or, at least, after the initial shock wore off. Why did I forgive? Because I knew I could never restore my marriage without forgiveness. I could never have what I was working so hard to fight for, if I did not forgive. Without my forgiveness, our marriage was doomed...no matter what my FWS was willing to do for me.

So, what is forgiveness and how do I know I have done it? I believe forgiveness means removing the PUNISHMENT for the offense (not to be confused with consequences). What is the punishment for infidelity? Well, my religion must come in here. The punishment for sin is death? Should my FWS receive death? Should he receive the same betrayal and abandonment I suffered? Should he be so beaten down that he no longer feels worthy of love and forgiveness?

All those things would be punishment. How do I know I have forgiven my FWS? Because I do not want him to receive the appropriate punishment for his betrayal and abandonment. Because I do not feel pleasure or justification when he is agonizing over the damage he caused to me and our children. In fact, I hurt FOR him when he is overwhelmed with his grief, guilt and shame. That is how I know I have forgiven him.

But the truth is I forgave him before he wanted it. I did not ever desire him to receive the appropriate punishment for his betrayal.

I DID want him to suffer the natural consequences, however. But not to hurt him; but because I knew that those consequences would help to restore him to God and to his family, where he belonged and needed to be.

MEDC, I find it incredibly difficult to have this conversation without it centering around my spiritual faith, although I AM trying.

You see, I KNOW that I could NOT forgive this offense without God's supernatural happening inside of me. This is all way too big for me.

I NEED God to:

help me forgive
heal my wounds
restore my marriage
unite us again in body and spirit

This IS ALL supernatural. How can I remove God from this discussion????


I remember last summer being worried that I would forgive "too quickly" because I am a forgiving person. I sought God's guidance in the question of WHEN to forgive. Here is a cut and paste of my post back in August. I agree with my statement even more today. We watched THE PASSION on Easter, and it reminded me of this.


I didn�t want to forgive my husband for his infidelity before it was the �right time�. Fearing that I might too quickly forgive my husband before he is �deserving�, I prayed that God would show me when the right time would be. God immediately spoke audibly to me the verse, "Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do." The he said it to me again a little differently: "Forgive him, SMB, for he knows not what he has done."

I felt overwhelmed as I considered Jesus� great suffering. It must have been an emotional suffering as well as a physical one. How did Jesus forgive and when? It appears to me that, Jesus, being consumed with love for those who persecuted Him, offered complete forgiveness with the hope that those same people would be restored to His Father in Heaven. He forgave immediately, in the midst of His agony, when His suffering was the greatest. He didn't wait "x" amount of months; he didn't wait to see remorse/repentance, he didn't wait for any action or words from the offender. He offered forgiveness immediately WHILE he suffered. He asked his Father to forgive them as he sacrificed himself to save them.


Today, MEDC, I see this as true. FWS DIDN'T know what he had done. He could not yet comprehend what destruction he was causing...to those he loved most. And those that crusified Jesus, could not yet comprehend what their actions meant.

THAT did NOT stop Jesus from forgiving them while he was at his GREATEST suffering.

So this is the IDEAL. But we all know that forgiveness can be challenging. We may have to CHOOSE to forgive every single day. We may have days where we do not FEEL like forgiving. I think early on, some BS's have to make a daily choice to have an attitude of forgiveness, but must be patient with themselves when the triggers bring on the immense hurt or anger. Over time, forgiveness will get easier and eventually be a non-issue...as long as we are seeking to be forgiving.

But we complicate forgiveness, thinking it is more than it is. In my book, it is removing the appropriate punishment...or the desire for the appropriate punishment to be divvied out.

It is NOT:

removal of natural consequences
forgetting the offense
pretending everything is restored
refusing to process the emotions that resulted from the infidelity (hurt, anger, sorrow, grief)
trusting without reason


I know that Dr. H talks about just compensation. I think this is a great concept, which I understand better now that I have witnessed it from my FWS. He has offered a great deal of just compensation, ranging from steps to protect our marriage to a post nup agreement that gives me the cash value of his business.

But my forgiveness is NOT dependent on his just compensation. There is nothing he can do to DESERVE my forgiveness. It is there only because I CHOOSE it to be.

BUT his just compensation DOES help restore my trust in him. It does make me feel safe in our marriage again. It does rebuild the relationship that was devastated. It does demonstrate to me his commitment to be my husband forever.

My personal belief is that forgiveness is GIVEN, not earned. It is an choice the BS makes for no reason other than it is right. Without it, marriages cannot be restored. With it, all things are possible. No matter what our FWS do, without our forgiveness, our marriages are doomed.

I know I have forgiven because I do not want my FWS to receive his "just reward" for this betrayal and abandonment. To me, that's is the only thing forgiveness is about.

But forgiveness opens to door to a lot of other wonderful things...restored relationships, peace and joy.