I read that you are waiting for LLL to post on your thread. I do not think she has posted on any threads so far. But I think the message we all should get from LLL is that if you are a financially independent woman who does not want to be insulted by the abominable behaviour of WH and does not want to put up the the roller coaster he will certainly put you thru...then you should move on and re-build your life without WH.
She has the means and also states the she no longer feels love for her H. So she has all the ingredients to make a successfull R of herself without her H.
If you feel you can do the same I would say: why not. YOu do not have to put up with adultery and try to save your M if you feel you are ready to move on and would never be able to R your M given what your H did to you,
blessing

Kristy: I read your request for me to read your posts here and I will do that, but it may be Monday before I have time as I have a house guest this weekend and a full schedule of things we are doing.

Sorry for your pain and that you're here along with the rest of us....

Atena,
Thank you very much for your advice. Yes, I have financial independence and willingness to live a better and happier life with WH, and I am sure it will be better since I am still young and he is much older than me. The only thing that hesitates me is my 2 year old son, I myself lost my father when I was 6, The least thing I want to do is to have my son go through a life without a father. However, Sometimes I really want to gave the M up and start again. People here say the trust is gone but the M can still be there since the trust shouldn't be there the first place to avoid A. I am sort of doing plan A at the moment, just for today since it is V day and H is dropping by to see my son. I will start plan B tomorrow and see what happenes. Thank you very much.

Kristy, are you ready for Plan B? Have you written the Plan B letter?

Perhaps if you posted it here, we could give you advice on its contents.

The Plan B letter at the heart of it is a love letter. It tells the wayward spouse that in order to not lose whatever remaining love that exists, separation and NO CONTACT is necessary. It provides a way for the WS to communicate through a third-party intermediary on important things (childrens' medical issues, etc.) and a PATH BACK TO THE MARRIAGE. That path begins with a NO CONTACT letter to the OW that he writes, you approve, and you send.

There are other conditions. You need to specify what your requirements are before he can return to work on marital recovery. Are you ready with those conditions?

I have not got ready for the letter yet, I read some examples a few days ago here, will find it again. I know the conditions I want though. Will post here about the letter soon.

(Reply to your post under LadyLongLegs' thread): Kristy, it's not so much that your H and LLL's are having affairs with a different category of skank, but that they are in an academic environment.

How academia deals with questions of impropriety is the issue of similarity here. Will university Board of Regents or other governing body take steps to prevent the school's good name from being smeared by the immoral acts of one of its own, or won't it?

Both you and LLL have different cases. Neither of which should be ignored by a school's superiors, in my opinion.

But my opinion is just that. LLL maintains that there is a "good ol' boy" network that renders any consequence on the wayward spouse null and void (or the equivalent of a slap on the wrist). That may be so, which is (in my mind) even more reason to EXPOSE to everyone -- not just people in the work place. Relatives, friends, drinking buddies, sports companions, ministers, whatever. Whoever will be in a position to "wag a finger" at WS and go, "Tsk, tsk, tsk. What in the world are you thinking???"

Dr. Harley says,


So you can see, exposure is the best way to start the foundation of an affair crumbling.

Fred, can you point me to the sample letters of Plan B? I have read it in the forum somewhere, there are quite a few samples. I can not find it now. Somebody outthere can help me? thanks.

Hi Kristy, there is an example of a Plan B letter in the book, "Surviving an Affair." It has been reposted here.

In general, the letter should be short, to the point, and lay out the specifics about NO CONTACT and the PATH TO RETURN.

It should NOT be overly emotional, have any begging, negative criticism ("disrespectful judgments") show anger or display any weakness.

Many people use the sample and tailor it their purpose, as I did. It might be a good idea if you posted yours here before giving it to your H. We can help you make it the best Plan B letter ever!

My heart is getting even more broken today. It is V day and also Chinese New year, My H came to see the child today and left. He did not even mention the V day nor the Chinese New year, a warm word or anything. I feel totally disappointed. It is exactly how LLL said, what is the point of keep up all the plans trying to save the M? It is not my fault yet I am the one suffering, I do not feel I love him any more either when he is doing all these things. I think my son was quite happy today because Daddy came, however, what about find another man to replace him? If I can find another man like children, I think it is possible and perhaps my son will not suffer? I see some of my friends who really like children actually play with my son very well and he is also very attached to them. What is the opinions of men in this forum when you love a woman with a child from previous marriage, can you love the child as much as your own?

Kristy, you should not do plan B until you have done a great Plan A. Have you done a great Plan A? Did you expose the Affair? Without those, Plan B is just going to be seen by your husband as permission to carry on the affair and eventually divorce.

Yes, look like that way, I have done some plan A, to an extend. Have to think over my options this week. I can either just divorce like LLL did and use the evidence to my advantage to get more asset, or continue plan A which is difficult at the moment, since he is renting a place and move out. My exposion to family and friends have not worked that well so far. In a way I am helping him with the future because then he does not have to explain to his family what has happened, they all know it. He does not seem shameful with what he is doing at all. I may have to expose at work which I am hoping to avoid so far. Meanwhile, I am doing plan A as suggested. I am seeing a lawyer this week too to sort out things.

Just got a phone call from my H, He said he is trying to untangle his mind and he is making progress in the last two days and he might be able to undo his mind in the next few weeks. I wonder if what he said is actually true? He still says she is not that sort of girl, he has no physical contact, etc. I found an email today he actually sent flowers to her, while he did nothing to me yesterday. I wonder if the exposure worked, one of the relatives talked to him yesterday, and one friend talked to him today. He is either trying to stop me spreading it further by sayingthese things, or he is telling me the truth that he wants to come back, just need to work his mind out? He said he needs me listening, not threating him, sort of like plan A. I think probably there is a hope there, perhaps I should do plan A a bit longer.

It's working, Kristy. But don't expect miracles overnight.

This is a marathon, not a sprint.

Kristy, when you exposed did you also tell about her "profession?"

God's Blessings,

Say

Fred,
I hope it works. thanks for all the help. But still I will see a lawyer on Wednesday to sort out my positions in case the worst happens.

Say had a good question. You may have missed it because you responded to Fred about the same time Say posted.

'Kristy, when you exposed did you also tell about her "profession?"'

Yes, I did. Everybody I told knows the full detail. Some read the emails that I printed out. Everybody was very angry that he did such a thing, and also shocked. Luckily I have the email, otherwise nobody will ever believe what I say.

Kristy, you are awesome!!! How does it feel to be a hero?

You have been doing an excellent job under unbelievable emotional stress. Ultimately the decision of whether or not you desire to divorce now or wait it out is your decision. No one would fault you if you decide to walk away from this train wreck. Your WH seems like he may be doing some thinking and having a young child with this man is deffinately a consideration but you must decide which way you want to go.

((((Kristy))))

God's Blessings,

Say

Thanks Say and Fred, I do not know my exposure have effect or not yet. But all the people I told are willing to talk to him , point out the damages he is doing to himself, his family and colleagues he work with. Most of them are clinicians. It is very out of character that my H is doing this. They think he might have some mental health problem, some depression can trigger emotional extremes. One friend said he will talk to My H tomorrow and refer him to a psychologist. I think it might help. At least if my H can not come back to me we know it is not because of his mental illness. The friends are really helpful and I am very grateful that they try to help rather than just walk away. my H's parents are not very helpful, his aunt is good though. So hope things can work out.