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I have contacted a few PIs to run surveillance on my possible WH. He had an A about 10 years ago, but over the past 4 years he's displayed lots of signs of cheating again.
We are at rock bottom right now, live together but don't talk, he's been violent, long story, but even if he's not cheating, there are enough other reasons for divorce.He hides his phone, travels, works late, password protects his computer, new, expensive clothes, no sex, no ring, no anniversr, christmas, birthday cards, gifts. The marriage is essentially dead.
I feel like I just need to know for sure if he is cheating. A PI will cost about $1500. I am afraid to take this step.
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I would be more afraid of not knowing. You are in great danger not knowing. A PI is your best solution, IMO.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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If anyone has any advice I should follow before actually hiring a PI, I would appreciate it.
I have kept records of the nights my H typically comes home laet, where he ususally parks, etc. I am afraid I will spend so much money and possibly not catch him. I am also worried about getting caught by my H. He is already a violent person. I am afraid of what he will do to me if he finds out I hired PI.
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NY, it sounds like you have alot of fears, but I would put them aside and go forward with rational [versus emotional] plan.
However, if your H is violent, I would suggest separating before you confront him with any findings. You will have to do this in a way where you are not in danger.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I hired a PI. Together we worked out the times that my H would be followed. What particular questions do you have?
I agree with Mel about separating BEFORE you confront him. Safety is paramount.
BW(me)
DDay EA 4/05
DDay PA 6/05
In recovery
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I hired a PI. Just make sure you get references (if possible) or ask about his experience and qualifications. Mine was an ex-cop and had years in the business. I also knew about him through a lawyer so if you have one or know one [a lawyer] you could get a reference from them.
You don't want some dufus to blow his cover and have your WH go off on you! With a good experiened one, you won't have to worry.
Good luck!
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If He is already a violent person. I am afraid of what he will do to me if he finds out I hired PI.
Do not trust him to react rationally.
SEPARATE FIRST
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I hired a PI. Well worth it. Referred to me by my attorney. Only took 3 days to get everything I needed to file based on adultery.
HOWEVER! If your H is violent, you shouldn't be with him or anywhere near him. That alone should be a deal breaker.
What do you intend to do with the info a PI could provide if you're not willing to leave a man who is violent?
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Check prices. In this economy even PI's are making cost adjustments!
Does he have technology skills; gps, spy cameras to bug house; anything that will help find your answers quickly.
If you have a pretty good idea of his routine and what days he comes home late that will be a good start.
My PI actually caught OW with additional information like spending the night with ANOTHER man. (made no difference to my XWH and he is planning on marrying her this year. dumb wayward!)
Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09
Quote: "First thing you do is pray; when there is nothing else to do, continue to pray."
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I haven't spoken with a lawyer yet. I was wondering if that I should do this 1st. I've spoken with two PIs. One seems to have FBI bkground and seems professinal, the other seems a little more streeet smart(H works in a big city)--but doesn't seem too polished. Both list their lic. #S. Abt 2 months ago, my H and I had another major fight where he went into a rage and put more holes in the walls and brought out a butcher knife and said "why don't you just kill me now?'--- all with 3 kids present.After I calmed him down, I told him that unless HE arranges marriage counseling, I will file for separartion. It has been about a month now and no marr. counsl. I know the next steps are critical and I am quite frankly paralyzed.
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I haven't spoken with a lawyer yet. I was wondering if that I should do this 1st. I've spoken with two PIs. One seems to have FBI bkground and seems professinal, the other seems a little more streeet smart(H works in a big city)--but doesn't seem too polished. Both list their lic. #S. Abt 2 months ago, my H and I had another major fight where he went into a rage and put more holes in the walls and brought out a butcher knife and said "why don't you just kill me now?'--- all with 3 kids present.After I calmed him down, I told him that unless HE arranges marriage counseling, I will file for separartion. It has been about a month now and no marr. counsl. I know the next steps are critical and I am quite frankly paralyzed.
You permit this to happen in front of your children?   And, I am sure, you never called the police or made a report. You "trained" your husband that it is OK to treat you and your children this way. Sister, his adultery is not your big problem
You lack courage to PROTECT YOUR OWN DAMN CHILDREN !!!
What are you going to do about that?
Forget the PI.
Get your kids away from that crazy person.
Be their mother !
protect them. 
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I haven't spoken with a lawyer yet. I was wondering if that I should do this 1st. I've spoken with two PIs. One seems to have FBI bkground and seems professinal, the other seems a little more streeet smart(H works in a big city)--but doesn't seem too polished. Both list their lic. #S. Abt 2 months ago, my H and I had another major fight where he went into a rage and put more holes in the walls and brought out a butcher knife and said "why don't you just kill me now?'--- all with 3 kids present.After I calmed him down, I told him that unless HE arranges marriage counseling, I will file for separartion. It has been about a month now and no marr. counsl. I know the next steps are critical and I am quite frankly paralyzed. Listen carefully, NY. You and your children are in a dangerous place right now. Be very careful about hiring a PI. Have you considered getting out of there and into a safer environment? At least consider that for your children. Are drugs or alcohol involved? This sounds like a possible substance abuse issue, which creates a real problem with resolving marital conflict.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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I do not PERMIT him to do anything. They are his actions and not mine. He blames ME for his outbursts. I am trying my best to protect my children in every way I can. I am trying to seek advice from others who have been through this and take action, while protecting my children's long term interests. I am scared as hell about him hurting them or more likely me. I am scared as Hell about my kids' lives being turned upside down due to a decision I have to make. I am scared about not being able to provide for my kids. for their education, health care, emotions, stability, etc. I am trying to make the best decisions I can given the incredible stress in this situation.
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I do not PERMIT him to do anything.
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No addiction issues at all. In fact, I enjoy a glass of wine now and then and H never does at ALL. Yet, if he's out late after work, he'll say he and his boss went to grab a beer or two--but he doesn't smell like he did. As far as the anger, I know his father had a terrible temper and the mother would tell the kids "don't tell your father anything" for fear of his anger.
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I am sorry, but I don't think you need a PI. I think you need an attorney and Womens Protective Services.
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A PI will cost about $1500.
Call the police.
Tell them you and your children need to escape violence in the home.
Tell the police you are afraid of your husband.
ASK them to help you get to a safe place.
They will probably refer you to a shelter.
You never give your husband a hint that you are leaving.
Don't tell the kids until you are on your way.
You need to GET OUT.
You do not need a PI.
Who cares if he is cheating?
The number one priority is your safety.
Get a safe distance away from your husband.
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The effects of Domestic Violence on children. A link.
Please read.
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I've read the links and appreciate your help. My H generally hits things (walls, breaks pictures, lamps)but not the kids. Has shoved me, etc. I say it's domestic violence. He says I am a drama queen. I agree about the effects on kids. I have had talks with them about how his behaviour is wrong. I know I need to protect them. I am now looking to find a lawyer to consult. The primary reason I was going to get a PI was to get some proof of adultery. That way, I will have a better leg to stand on in court in terms on custody, finan. support and knowing I am not crazy.
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