I am currently at my mother's, he leaves to go out of town in the morning. I will go home then and then go to work. He will be out of town until Friday.
Outside of the text messaging that myself and OW H did last night to the both of the WS's and then the email this morning - there has been no contact between us.
I blind cc'ed his letter and my response to his sister, his aunt and 2 of my friends. This way it is apparent how cruel he is being.
And that way I cannot be accused of the lies he states I am telling.
Other than that - at this time I am going ahead with the divorce. But - I am letting him file and he will pay all the legal fees. As heartbreaking as this is...I feel emotionally used up and not invested...just kind of done.
It is sad to watch everything crash in a speeding train wreck of a mess.
But I take comfort in the facts that I never got ugly about this, I gave 110%, I tried to recover the marriage, and I have been honest with everyone including his children. He cannot state any of that.

Mymissy,
I know how discouraging this new turn of events have been.

Read the books, read other posts and you will see this is very typical.

There are some threads about wayward babble. Read it.

Now stop worrying about him and start worrying about YOU. Make yourself unavailable, plan B him, don't pick up on his calls.

Serving you papers??? What a horse's rump. Look at my thread...my XH tried to give me the papers and I ignored. It took about 4x by a server and a couple of extra weeks (time and expense for XH) to finally serve me. Make nothing easy.

NEVER answer an email-- if you do wait at least 24 hours. Saves alot of pain and first gut reaction.

It will get worse but it could get better.

Have faith in God, and yourself. One day at a time and breathe.

He is just plain being cruel by using the word WE and OUR so much as in him and OW are a team and not I.
If and when his A falls apart I wonder how he will be able to justify to himself his mean and hurtful behavior.
I am so sorry that this is turing so ugly against you.
Please focus on taking care of you and making sure that you are doing everything you need to IN YOUR BEST INTEREST.
If its in your best interest to make this progress towards D slow then plese dont help him along at all. Infact I agree with the block his emails dont read his hate mail any more advise.
You dont need any more of his WW craaaaaap .
Remove yourself from his process and dont allow him the benefit of any communication from him.
If only allows him to fuel his own justifactions and gives him an opportunity to hurt you further while advancing towards his goals .

MyMissy,

Start a new post and call out to School bus. Cut and paste his email and if she is around she will analysis it for you and give you some insight into the wayward mind.

Mymissy,

I have never posted to you before and confess to not having read your entire thread but I read the e-mail from your WS and just had to laugh because the history rewrite is so typical of the WS speak.

But the strange thing was that as I was reading your WS e-mail I was thinking that it also sounded earily like the e-mails OW sent me after I exposed to OW FB friends. Could it be that your WS OW wrote the e-mail or at least had a hand in it's creation?

There are others on the forum who will be able to read between the lines better than I but take heart in the fact that it is very typical of WSs everywhere and try not to take it too personally.

TM

School Bus,
Someone on the forum suggested that I start a new thread (mine is Mymissy) and see if you would analyze my WH latest email to me.

Here is the email:
I have a couple of questions for you. Why is it so hard to accept the fact that OW and I might actually love each other? People fall in love all the time. I have told you repeatedly what and who I want. OW has told OW H as well. Yet because its not what you want to hear its automatically wrong and our feelings can't be real. Why?
What is it you to are trying to hold on too or is it the fear of change? Do you really feel it would be better to stay with someone who is in love with someone else than accept change?
I know we handled this whole thing badly and we have hurt both you and OW H. But explain to me what you to are doing with all the stories? Do you feel that by causing stress and pain to the rest of our families will change the way OW and I feel about each other? Or is it simply revenge? Every time you guys have tried to destroy our relationship with half truths and lies she and I have grown stronger. You told me about all the people who lost respect for me. You might want to open your eyes. At first this was true but with what you and OW H have been doing has changed that perception. My family, most of the guys at work and even some of your own friends find your actions pathetic at best!
Last night you two decided to take your frustration out on OW by telling me how she is playing both sides. My love for her doesn't allow me to believe that. Let's just suppose for a moment it was true. Who will get hurt? I will!!!!! I would think you guys would be over joyed at the thought of that so why warn me. Just makes me realize its another one of your stories and half truths.
You call me a coward for not wanting to talk to you and OW H. I have offered to talk to OW H if he wants to. Why would I want to talk to you. I have told you what I want and how I feel. That makes me a coward because I don't want to stand there and be belittled and insulted? Hell I put up with that for 12 years. Why would I go back for more? I wish you and OW H all the happiness in the world for your future but please stop.
Why do you insist on making me hate you? In the end hating you makes everything I am doing a whole lot easier so I guess I owe you two a big Thank you!
You keep asking me when they are going to serve you papers. Again I am telling you THEY won't. I asked them not too! I will do that myself. Does that make me a coward too? Anyway the rough draft will be emailed to me an Monday. After I review it I will send it to you probably on Wednesday so you can take it to your attorney for review.
By the way to save you some time I had already told my aunt about us and Mom told Grandma and Grandpa last night. Anyone else I can notify for you just let me know.
You told me you were not coming home until Sunday night. Well unless you are in a big freakin hurry just wait until Monday morning. I will be gone by then and you can have the house to yourself! I gave you your space when you asked so give me mine! Feel free to share this with OW H as you seem to share everything else.

Thanks for any assistance

I'm not schoolbus, but I do have a question: Why on earth does he need your permission / agreement /acceptance of his affair? If he really loves this woman, what difference would YOUR feelings possibly make??

I know the answer, but do you?

And did I send you this link: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2275600#Post2275600

And again: Do NOT allow him to serve you with divorce papers. If he sends them, immediately send them back to his attorney and insist they use a process server. And tell the attorney that this is an Adultery case.

I hope schoolbus sees this soon and helps you deal with the Bullcr*p that your WW is sending you.
Schoolbus was one of the people who really really helped me get thru my darkest hours and I remain deeply thankful for her help. Hi SchoolBus

Schoolbus is like no other in reading and analysing what people are really trying to say by translating the words they choose to use. I am sure she will be able to give you more info on this email from your WW that will help you better understand how to deal with him in this moment.

I'll take a crack at this, until SB comes along....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




A question is sometimes not a question at all, but a statement.
Look, you'll see.



This is NOT a question.
It is a declaration posing as a question.
The declaration is .... "Why are you so dense?"


He neglected to say "Married people" ... oops !



Same declaration. "Why are you so dense?"


This is to give their adultery the appearance of being on the up and up.
It is a statement to make themselves look good.


One does wonder, exactly WHO he is trying to convince these "feelings are real". Himself perhaps?


The entire content of this horrid email is a hatchet job... on you !


Hatchet job.


I love the "but" following an admission of wrong doing on their parts.
Any admission followed by a "but" is not an actual admission. The "but" negates the entire previous comment.



Oh, you caused stress and pain. Exactly what exposure is meant to do.
Good on you! OW got pissed off, I guarantee.


Hatchet job.



Stress and pain .... remember, they are "closer" because of stress and pain. Therefore, WH needs to perform a hatchet job, ON HIS WIFE.


Very few functional adults "respect" adultery.
Tiger Woods in the news is actually increasing the loss of respect.


He's full it it.


All these people have suddenly come to "respect" adultery ??? Does this make sense? WHO is he kidding?


OW is being played as a victim here.
The adulterous wh*** is now the victim of the wife.



In other words, he's gone blind,deaf, and completely dumb.


I think this reveals he has some doubts !
Interesting.


Huh?


He's completely lost in the fog here.



You did? Right on !


Bullchit.


He's afraid to talk to you.


He's afraid to talk to you because he is not interested in FACTS ... he is only interested in his feelings and his wants.
Very foggy.


He is doing a hatchet job again.
Don't fall for it.


Any man who says he "put up with" his wife for 12 years before he committed adultery ... is a gold-ribbon idiot.
This makes him appear the fool, not you.



He's blame shifting, because he has doubts. Blaming you makes his doubts go to the back of the room for awhile.



Don't you wonder why this sentence did not end where it was supposed to end ... right after the word "future.

"But please stop" as a continuation of that thought means please stop the happiness in your future.
Interesting.


Hold the phone !! He just wished you all the happiness in the world. Next sentence, he "hates" you.
He is very conflicted about his feelings for you.
That's for damn certain, skippy.


See what I mean. The hatchet job on you, is to assuage his guilt.
The sarcastic "thank you" is quite nasty.


He can serve dissolution papers until the cows come home.
He cannot serve divorce papers.



Do not do jackshyt with those papers.
Ignore them completely unless properly served.


He jacked up some story to make adultery pretty.
He REALLY disliked exposure.


Sarcasm. The tool of the weak.


More sarcasm.
He's NOT a happy camper.


He's REALLY unhappy with OW's hubby.



In any future correspondence, refer to OW as "Joes wife" ... NEVER by her name. Always by her husband's name, as his wife.
Got that?

I will agree with Pepperband, and add that my first impression was that WH really, really, really wants you to agree to this as being best for all of you. That way, he can destroy his family guilt-free.

He is very angry that the truth is making him look bad and he's bending his brain into a pretzel to somehow blame you for HIS choices.

But I haven't seen a WS yet that who doesn't do that.

Again: If this is so wonderful and he and OW are so happy, why would exposure bother them? Wouldn't they want everyone to know?

And if this is all so wonderful for THEM, why would they need YOU to agree that it's wonderful? Why would they care a rat's butt whether you agree with it or not?

This is critical. You are not the "BW" or "my wife", YOU have a name. Use it. Insist that it be used by your Wh in all communications with his OW.

OW's H is not "her husband." He has a name. Use it. At every chance.

But the OW is the "wife" of "joe" who is the person who has been harmed. She can be depersonalized, and should be.


Get it? The BS's have names and must insist that they be used. They are not "the wife" or "the husband." They are people with names.

The WS's have not earned the right to use their own names. They are "the adulterous spouse." Period. End. Full stop.

Insisting on this use of language can really have an impact.

Thanks Pep and everyone else. That helps me understand, unfortunately it doesn't help with the sting of the words and more hurt and betrayal that came with them.

It also doesn't change that I am packing up the last 12 years of my life and cannot stop crying while doing it.

I keep going between forcing myself to move forward into some sort of Plan B/save myself/can't live in this situation - to praying for a miracle that he will have some sort of epiphany and realize what he is doing (I am starting to believe that isn't going to happen).
It is hard to force one foot in front of the other to move forward into this mode and I keep hoping someone/anyone would tell me what to do?
My family and his SIL keep tell me that I am taking the right steps and it is now about minimizing the fall out to myself.

I still cannot believe that this is happening.....

This transition time between Plan A and Plan B is HARD.

It is possibly the most difficult thing that I have ever done in my life. I felt like I was giving up and I was losing everything. It sucks because my WH was my WORLD. He was where I turned when I was hurting for almost 18 years. He was there for me through A LOT. And when I was at my lowest point in my life, I had NO ONE to turn to. Or so I thought.

A Supervisor at my workplace, packed up her kids and left her alcoholic H a couple of weeks before I initiated Plan B. I was told that the people who helped her move, had to literally lift her up and remove her from her house. This realization that I was feeling things that were normal helped me move through it.

You have shown so much strength up until this moment. Plan B isn't easy, but emotionally it feels better eventually(and I am only 2 months in). You won't obsess about where your WH is and what he may be doing because you will be living a life for YOU.

We will all be here for you. Keep up the good work. Be strong. You can do this.

Bumping for schoolbus !


One day at a time, its a long road you cant get there today already.
Keep walking and you WILL get there.

Its hard not to take that personally.
Right now I feel as though the best thing I can do is get out of the line of fire.
I am continuing with moving forward, as hard as that is. I can pack one box and then cry for an hour.
I am planning to return to my mothers this weekend and then he is out of town again next week. This gives me at least a 1 1/2 week break from having to be in the same house with him.
We are not speaking through any media, all messages are being relayed through his mother.
I don't know what else to do at this point.

That is sort of the purpose of plan B.
To remove the BS from the line if the WS fire so th the WW fogbabble does not burn what ever remaining traces of love that might remain after the D day and Plan A explosion.


DO YOU HAVE ANY AD's FROM THE DOC FOR THE CRYING. They are a life saves for the short run and dont be afraid to use them to help you get a full nights rest. YOU HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF PHYSICAL SELF else it only compunds the effects of the emotinal trauma.

I have to agree with this. I did not realize that PP (OW) was writing some of the emails or dictating them also. I hope school bus will look at your thread. She was able to tell me line by line who wrote what and why. It was a help.

Stay dark, post here and pray. Blessings.