This is what makes some of us think you are not paying attention Jon, you glossed over all these questions.
Why did you skip over these?

You need to read more of them.

Good, did you block FaceBook in the router yet?

oops, double post

Jon,

If you were to ask my wife why she stayed in the marriage she would tell you it was because she decided to stay.

Of course from my POV it was because I gave her a reason to stay and a better reason to stay than she had to go.

We'd both be right.

That's what Plan A is about, Jon, not just the destruction of the affair but also the showing the WS a reason to return to the marriage with a commitment to stay and make things work.

The stick side of Plan A can do a lot of damage to the affair but unless you at the same time get the carrot side right that will only result in one affair ending and another taking its place.

Your goal needs to be more than just messing with the affair. You have blocked him from her cell phone. So now he has a reason to get her another one that you know nothing about. Before that happens what are you planning to do that would cause her to not take it from him and to tell him to go away and leave her alone to be with you in peace?

Some BHs seem to get the carrot part right and end up being doormats. Others seem to have the interfere with the affair part down pat. My question is, do you actually have a plan to deal with the carrot part so that she falls in love with you as opposed to just making her life with OM so much hell that she walks away from both of you?

How do you put a square peg into a round hole? First choice for most is to use a hammer. If that fails, then we tend to use a bigger hammer. We end up with both the piece with the hole and the peg deformed, damaged beyond repair and still not in the hole.

The solution to the problem is to begin modifying the peg until it fits the hole. From a Plan A perspective, this is the carrot side of the equation. You change YOU so that the hole (her) will let you even try to see if it fits. If you get the process right then she might commit to fixing the marriage instead of abandoning it and at that point she might be willing to start to modify the hole as well so that the two will find a fit together that will be wholly unique and special.

But if you keep using ever bigger hammers and trying to force her to come back because she has nowhere else to go, you will find yourself all alone and broken beyond repair.

Not saying don't pressure the affair. Just be sure you get the carrot part of Plan A in gear so that you aren't just messing with her life.

This means that you do stuff like this blocking of SMS on her phone and then show her how great and wonderful the marriage can be. If you argue about it, try to educate her or try to discuss her feelings and pointing out how they might be wrong (I'm talking about letting things escalate to an argument here) you will have succeeded only in showing her that you know how to interfere with her life. She won't see it as a reason to come home.

Use the stick and then dangle the carrot. You got the first. Don't miss the great opportunity to use the other side of the process.

Mark

1. Your wife told her family you are Bipolar, have you spoken directly to them about this? Yes.

2. Have you Explained that WW is continuing to contact OM and is trying to continue her affair? Yes, They told her they can accept the fact it is over between me and her but they DO NOT want her to be with him.

3. Have you told them that OM is also married and has children? They knew this from the start.

4. Have you told them AGAIN of your wish to save your marriage? Yes, they all know I will not stop fighting for my marriage.

5. And, have you spoken DIRECTLY to them (Face to Face) about why you cant leave the marital home (Abandonment) and the possibility of WW moving out if she wants to continue her adulterous affair? And yes, use the word adoultry, do not try and make this out to be somthing it is not. I have told them the reason I can't leave, and under no circumstances would they make her leave. They would kick me out WAY before they would make her leave.
My WS has brainwashed them into thinking our marriage has been over for YEARS, they think it was my fault the A happened because I treated her so bad. i said "well maybe I treated her bad because she was mean, rude and hateful to me, this doesn't justify me doing it nor does it mean I didn't do it, I own up to every single one of my mistakes and I am trying to change every one of them"

So are you trying to explain the truth to them? Yet?

And?

They can't Jon.
Atleast not unless the laws there are DRASTICLY diferant than my state.


Show them the truth Jon.

And, I told them the truth that I am on an emotional rollercoaster the same as she is, but i am NEVER mean to her.
And Gack I spoke to a lawyer and her aunt can kick me out. She has to give me a 30 day written notice, because it is her house.
I am showing them the truth, my WS is telling them that I am not listening to her and i am being nice to try and force her to stay, to me this means plan A is working. She says by me trying so hard to save our marriage it makes her want divorce even more.
How does that make sense? want divorce even more? if you want divorce you want divorce there is no level of how much you want it.

Her whole family knows I don't want the divorce and i have told them all I will not stop trying to save it. Her family has been sending me texts saying that me trying to force her to stay is wrong etc... I said "this is between me and my wife only, my family is not texting her telling her what she did was wrong I deserve that same respect".

I told her aunt that I am fighting so my kids don't have to ask "where's mommy?, wheres daddy?" and to keep them from living in a broken home. I told them to read on the devistating affects that D has on kids thier age. I also said I'm fighting for a strong, happy, loving marriage that I KNOW is possible.

Notarized, and witnessed!

In my state eviction has to be served as court order by the police.

And being married to another "Tenant" that is not being evicted brings a whole new level of fun to the event. But if you are ORDERED out, and she is not, she can NOT claim abandonment.

Now like Jim said before if they do kick me out which I know they won't until the D is done, A lawyer can rip them a new one for that. Even if she files i still have a long time before it is final. I guess according to everyone's advice plan A still seems to be the best option. I just found out today that her manager is trying to override the decline of her new job and is still going to try to get it for her. If she gets the new job I am 100% going to in home plan B.

Jon, do you have OM's full name?

Talk to the manager and explain that the affair is why this new job is a bad idea.

"Talk to the manager and explain that the affair is why this new job is a bad idea."

Do so today.

I do have his full name and address. I have already called the manager he was used to my old manager when I worked for the company, and he said the same thing HR said because they will be in different depts they are not breaking any company guidelines. He said they won't even see each other, and if they do start talking at work then he will put a stop to it. Because I used to work there i have ALOT of inside info as to if they are talking or not. The OMW also works for the company but she works from home.
She also has alot of friends that work there that would tell her if they were talking.

My WS was in a very good mood today. Me and her have been laughing and joking around all day. I know it doesn't mean anything but at least it makes my time in the house more enjoyable.

Then why have you not called OMW's wife directly instead of using facebook?

They only use cell phone, and I am in the process of getting her number, I should have it tomorrow. I have given her my number multiple times but she never calls.

GO DRIVE OVER TO THE OTHER LOVERS HOUSE AND MEET WITH THE WIFE IN PERSON. MAKE SURE THE OTHER MAN IS NOT HOME, HOWEVER...

Yeah.. and YOUR Bi-POlar?

LOL, you have no idea. She will be so mad she is slamming doors then 5 mins later were talking about the weather. She has been really nice the past few days but I know it's just because he contacted her recently. She has just been happy and acting kind of like her old self and it kills me to know it's because of him and not me.

Its that crazy Blchit Spin they put on stuff.. YOU started it! You have a mental illness! You never tried! Your iresponsible! Many times they have allready sold that bill of goods to thier family and friends before they have an EA/PA because they really sorta believe it when you have little or no idea. Then some swingin richard comes along and validates it all.

Either Auntie is stupid, weak, or a POS or she doesn't know the truth. You CAN educate her but if thier is some kind of clan fued mentality in her family or both of yours maybe Auntie is just gaslighted or protecting her poor baby niece.

Either way listen very carefully to PSU , jm, and Gack, They and others are telling you that you ARE in charge. You might not feel like it but its the truth anyway.

I on the other hand am trying to help you to understand the emotional aspect so you can relax while you DO What they say.



Don't get baited into talking with OM anymore.

Have a recorder on you at all times

Get a bulldog lawyer who will follow a line like PSU and jm said

Write a letter with just the facts jack about what accully happened between WW and OM. Explain how you were never approached about her thinking of leaving or counseling and behonest about how dishonest she dealt with you. Send a copy to whomever in the families doesn't understand whats going on. Tell them you are seeking counselling and get soem proof. A recipt from Doc H or go to a clinic in town. Don't address any accusations that are BS from family members.

Don't do anything that the cops can kick you out for and do not voluntarly leave the house. If you think this is painful if you lose the kids or have to whatch them being brought up by Joe Shmoe you will think this was a cake walk.

10 years from now "I was just so upset" will not be a good enough excuse for yourself or them.

Hang in thier Jon, this has happened to many and will happen to others also. Protect you kids from it happening to them or the fallout