Backbone. I am impressed.

Larry

Very well done R2Q!

Just stop with the divorce talk now. If she wants one, let her go get it. Your mantra will be that there is a way to fix this.

"wouldn't the best outcome be for you and I to be in love and happy and keep our family together? there is a way for that to happen...."

If she wants to start talking divorce logistics tell her "I am willing to talk about fixing our marriage, have your attorney talk to my attorney about divorce."

And now is the time to start letting her no that divorce is not going to be friendly or pleasant. You will not be best friends afterwards. You will not be friends AT ALL.

Agree with Lexxxy.
Don't mention D or even talk about the M unless she brings it up. If *she* brings up D, just say "I don't feel like talking about that right now... hey, did you hear about (something the kids did, something a neighbor did, a movie that just opened up, something she'd be interested in).


Focus on a killer Plan A for the next couple of weeks.

You can meet her needs for conversation via telephone, text, email, and cards/letters.

What are her top 3 ENs? Post them here and you'll get ideas on how to meet those ENs while living apart.

You know, the D isn't going to happen unless you file and push it through. Just forgeddaboudit.

I asked her several months ago to take EN questionnaire and she wouldn't. I believe her top three are.

1. Conversation
2. Admiration
3. Affection

R2Q- I am really impressed by the way you handled yourself.

Don't be alarmed if you post something like that and some posters tell you what you need to improve. It is not that you did things wrong, it it just that there is a lot to learn and the more input you get the better equipped you will be. GREAT JOB.

WW came over to pick up son and out of the blue:

WW: Why would you even want to still be married to me?
ME: Because we can be happy if we make the right changes.

WW: Do you think his feelings for me are not real?
Me: Im sure they are to some degree, but I have told you before you seemed way more involved in this than him.

Me: He has had plenty of chances to make yall a legitimate couple and has never done it, but is more than willing to love you in secret.

WW: I think he is just overwhelmed with the guilt and can;t hurt anybody, especially his wife anymore.
ME; Just judge him by his actions not his words. His actions say you are not as important to him as his words.

ME: If he loved you more than anything,more than his wife, more than his family yall would be moving together instead of you moving alone.

I wouldn't have been so kind to him. I would have said he wants to stay married to his wife and sneak around with you for fun on the side. He's just using you for sex. Besides, if OM was willing to cheat on his wife with you, what makes you think that he would ever be faithful to you?

Then I would have transitioned into just because you have strong feeling for him right now doesn't mean that you should pursue this relationship. We shouldn't always do just what "feels good" without regard for others. What kind of message is that teaching our children. These emotions are just the result of the excitement of a new relationship. We could feel the exact same way about each other if we just worked on our relationship more instead of taking each other for granted, and we wouldn't have to wreck two families in the process. I'm willing to work to get that back, but only if OM is completely out of the picture for good. In the long run, I promise you'll be happier with me. I'm willing to stick by you when the going gets tough. What has OM done with you when the going got tough?

Alot has happened Since Friday. Want proof exposure to OMBW works?

OM told WW he had told his wife he was leaving her. This is BEFORE I talked to OMBW who tells me OM said he was staying.

I unknowingly tell WW OM said he was staying. WW knew I talked to OMBW and found out this info.

WW shocked. OM had told her he had already told his wife and his parents he was leaving. He had not, FIRST LIE WW has caught him in.

Then out of the blue OM tells WW he can't do it, packs bags and him and his BW wife go out of town for 3 days.

WW is really hurt. CAn't believe OM was playing her. She still thinks OM will leave....but she is really hurt.

WW is opening up to me about all this and I am just trying to be her friend and tell her he used her, she is begining to think so but is in denial.

What do I do? conitnue to be there as a friend for or just back off and let it play out?

Fulfill her needs, and find an anger outlet while she talks about how much she misses him, and loves him, etc. Since I know it will upset you.

You should Plan A. Maybe you need to come up with some pocket responses and some reverse fog babble so you don't love bust her by trying to educate her and make her see that POSOM was just using her.

Other than that I think I have to say you are doing AMAZING.

It sounds good so far, but don't let her get into 'victim' mode to the point where she doesn't own what she did. OM didn't 'make' her decide to have an A. She did that on her own. Relieving her from any ownership of the A may create a problem of addressing what needs to be done to repair your M.

Yes, you just continue to be her friend for the next week. And around Friday night get the Plan B letter to her and go dark as night. This will be perfect timing because the OM will be with his wife so she will not be able to contact him. She will spend the weekend all alone with out you and without the OM.

When you do this, I strongly suspect she will try to get you to break your silence and will test your resolve. So it will be critical that you don�t let her through. She will initially try to get you to stay in contact with her by making �promises� to �try� etc, etc, blah, blah. But with no real commitment to end her affair for life and commit to fixing the marriage. RESIST those kind of offers because they will lead to a very painful false recovery.

Do you have an intermediary? A good IM will SCREEN out these kind of offers. If your IM needs help in that regard, you can refer him/her to me at ohmelodylane@aol.com

And in the still of the night, without contact with either you or the OM, she will have to face her demons. She may call family or friends. Hopefully they will support the right path. From Plan B letter, she should have a road map for the non negotiable route to you.

Larry

R2Q, the stars are lining up in your favor. Not many are as fortunate as you. If you listen to ML and Larry and the other veterans here, this could be a crucial point in your marital recovery.

They have great guidance. DO NOT DEVIATE FROM THEIR ADVICE.

More power to you.

A couple questions:

What if she wants to come back before the Plan B letter is given to her? Should I agree provided the concrete plans are in place to permanently end her relationship with him and commit to the steps from Marriage Builder?

Are you suggesting I deliver Plan B this Friday or next Friday?

Should I do anything special for Plan A right now or just avoid love busters and meet needs?

Thanks so much.

If that happens, I take your time to see if she is really sincere. Ask her to send a no contact letter to the OM and to commit to a recovery program. But take your time and date for a couple of weeks to test her sincerity.


I am thinking this Friday. What do you think?

In Plan A, just be nice and avoid lovebusters.

I'm having a hard time pulling the trigger on delivering the plan b letttr. Here is why.
Remember:
Caught WW on phone with OM whom she confessed affair 6 months ago.
Kicked her out, exposed to everyone.
OM promised he was leaving his BW. Didn't. Called WW and said he couldn't and then left for 3 day weekend with his BW.
WW says she has not talked to him since. Week and half.
I have been doing killer plan A, consulted with Harleys and just being nice.
WW has been very nice, we talk, a couple of hugs, a few I love yous.
We are not living together.

My problem is everything is going ok. A plan B letter just may ruin the progress?
Also, out of sight out of mind.

WW has told me she understands she needs to be the one to ask to come home and that if I agreed it would be under very specific conditions.

Do I give it another week and see if she comes around on her own or go to Plan B now?

Personally, I'd do a couple week plan A now that it seems like OM dumped your WW for good, so that plan B will hit her harder if it gets to that point.

If you are able to work Plan A w/o it wearing on you, then I would continue working it for a bit.



Plan A is not meant to continue forever. At some point your W will have to get on board w/ recovery. If she continues to move towards you and recovery, you may not need to Plan B her.

Larry;

What do you think about my concerns of delivering the Plan B letter now vs waiting another week of more Plan A.

We are not living together but talk and see each other for a minute or two every day.

I almost have her convinced to counsel with the Harleys. I am shooting for Monday if she will agree.