My story is I feel too long to post without sounding like I am whineing. Current situation wife had affair I discovered in Nov. 08. He is her partner in business and provided startup cash. She says affair is over but she continues to defend him or says it won't change so forget it. He has more than doubled the rent and the business has not shown any profit for 2 years. She works 60+ hours per week and brings home less than 400.00/wk. He has her convinced that one day it will pay off. The business now after 2 years owes him an additional 80,000. which he expects repayment + intrest. That amount continues to grow due to expenses being too high. His wife works with him in several other businesses he owns. I have not told her of the affair because in a small town this would have a very large impact on her business if it became common knowledge. This is his second wife the first left him because of his infidelity. My problem is I work 40 hours a week 800to500. I am self employed and my business has supported us for 23 years. When I get home at 500 she is gone, she gets home usually between 10 and 11. We talk a bit about how her work went and get ready for bed. We always sit down and watch a little tv before bed. Usually she is sleeping within 10-15 min. the I take the dogs out, put them to bed, wake her up and we go to bed. I currently fix all my own meals, on weekends I clean house, go to grocery store and buy for the week, wash all the clothes and bath the dogs. There has been no sex for 6 months and no indication it will change. I agreed to go to a counselor with her but I feel it has been a waste of time. She spends the sessions justifying herself and we both come away upset.When is it time to quit? I do not want to but I cannot continue much longer.

It sounds to me like you've already quit in every way but the legal one.

Sorry for the , but that's the way I see it.

You are probably right, however I still love her dearly as I have since we married 28 years ago. All the deposits I try to make to her love bank seem expected and go unnoticed.

How do you know the affair is over ?????

Is it just based on her word ????

How did you find out about the A ????????

NSX,
You both have to commit to repairing or salvaging your marriage. Complete the Emotional Needs Questionnaires, read all of the information on this website. Your wife is going to have to end all contact with OM if this is going to work.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. While your life is he)) right now, it can be salvaged and you can survive this awful mess. There was a time when I didn't think I could even live another day....when my world came crashing down. But in time, the pain can heal.

Take care, NSX, and be blessed. Read, read, read everything on this website. This website was my Godsend--the only way that I made it through the atrocity of my H's A.

Soul Survivor

I discovered the A when someone and I don't know who sent me a note telling me of it. I then went snooping and found emails which tore me apart. No contact can't work as they are partners in this business. She assures me the A is over and I have been working hard to discover where I failed emotional needs.
Me 55
ww 54
married 28yr
3 boys
1 girl
all out of house

nsx, as long as your wife is in contact with her lover, recovery can never take place. That is like an alcoholic who continues to drink and thinks that changing the names of his drinks to "business drinks" will sober him up. It is impossible. She cannot withdraw from the OM and as long as she can't withdraw, your marriage can't recover.

The only solution is for her to end all contact with the OM. I doubt she will be motivated to do so since her affair has so well concealed. Affairs thrive on secrecy.

What would likely motivate her is exposing her affair everywhere, starting with the OMW. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so by keeping her secret, you are allowing the affair to thrive and grow underground. By bringing it out into the open your W and her lover will be more motivated to end their terrible business partnership that is destroying your marriage. Exposure is the greatest weapon you have to save your marriage.

If your spouse wont end contact, then Plan B, a total separation is advised.

Here are some of Dr Harley�s comments, the founder of Marriage Builders:

exposure

nsx, you won't be able to meet her needs as long as she continues contact with the OM. She will remain emotionally invested in him as long as contact continues.

What will happen is that you will wear down completely after about 6 months of not having your overtures reciprocated. Dr Harley recommends doing that for about 6 months and then separating. I think you are well past that point.

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair?

nsx, I am sorry to tell you this, but you will hear it from everyone else here as you already have from SS above. If there is any hope to save your M your WW cannot work with OM. You can say "no contact can't work as they are partners in this business" all day long but it is still that simple. There is no gray area when it comes to working together. The A is still on and it is very comfortable for both of them. Believe me, when she is at work she is in another world, her fantasy world, and it doesn't include you.

The answer is black and white. NC for life. I'm sorry you've found yourself in this sitch because I completely understand the complexity of it but again it is a simple matter of NC to even begin the process of recovering your M.

The vets will come along and help you with a plan to go about doing this and all the other things involved. You've come to the right place for help.

I wanted to offer the one thing from my own experience that I know to be the absolute truth. Best of luck to you.

No I do not have that book I will however get it. I have brought up the question twice when we were in counciling about telling the OM's wife. For some reason it always gets pushed aside. I feel sure if I tell the OM's wife it will blow wide open. I still have a hard time destroying my WW's reputation.

And it should have been the first thing the counselor told you to do. However, you can see for yourself that this counselor has no idea how to save your marriage. Nothing has been done to bust up the affair.


Nsx, we are not asking you to destroy your wife�s reputation. You do not have the power to do this unless you spread lies about her. We are not asking you to tell lies about her. If her reputation is ruined is will be because of her OWN behavior, not yours.

We are advising that you tell EVERYONE about the affair and stop protecting your wife from the consequences of her behavior. You are enabling the affair by keeping the lover�s secret. You are hurting your wife and destroying your marriage by hiding the affair for the adulterers.

That would be the DESIRED outcome. You need to blow this WIDE OPEN if you want to save your marriage. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so exposure is like bringing in a crowd of onlookers to the crackhouse to watch the crackheads. It is no fun getting high when everyone is looking.

If you want to end limbo land - need to let OMW know what is going on behind her back if for no other reason. From what you have written - this is no marriage and you dont have a wife. You have a room mate.

Are you on the hook for the loans provided by the OM?

First of all, this is not the first rodeo for OM. He is skilled at the art of lying, obviously. He is telling your wife what she wants to hear. And he has done it before.

You do not have the power to tarnish the reputation of your wife's. It is up to her to protect her own reputation by what she does, not what she says or you keeping a secret that is probably not a secret anyway.

Stop and think.

You got a note. I would bet that you are the last one to know. Small town, remember. The adultery is probably a bit of juicy gossip floating around now. The only reputation that is tarnished right now is yours. Why? Look in a mirror, there are horns growing out of your head, the same ones I grew.

This OM is a piece of work. He is not only screwing your wife, he is getting paid to do it. By "Loaning" the money and keeping control, he is loaning himself the money with you and your wife signing on the dotted line, I betcha. Did I get that right?

She makes about 20K a year and is on the hook. He makes his rent, get some strange and jacks up the amount owed to the sky.

He isn't a partner, he is a vulture. Talk about a scumbag.

A relative of mine told my wife everything she wanted to hear while I was working 60++ hours a week to save the business that put food on the table for the family. She was lonely and I trusted him. So I have earned the horns to tell it to you like it is NSX even thought you probably hate every word I have said.

All the best - do What Mel Is Telling You To Do.

The best thing that could happen to the jerk is to lose all his money, his current wife to divorce him like the last one did and for your wife to wake up, which she may or may not do.

Don't blame yourself for any of this. You didn't do a thing to earn this. Your wife and this pond scum of a jerk are the ones who did it.

Larry

Well said Larry.....

Yup...exposure.

Blow it open. The job isn't paying off for her anyway and only putting her (and YOU?) further in debt.

This should have been I no brainer a long time ago but I understand your fear (I don't excuse it...just understand it).

As a sidenote...the money she owes him:

1. Did she sign personal promissory notes to him?
2. Did YOU co-sign?
3. Is it just oral agreements?
4. Any liens on your property or other collateral of value. (I say "of value" since a 2nd Mortgage on your house is likely worthless in this economy)

When push comes to shove it's likely neither you nor your wife will end up having to pay him back. OM (and your wife) are likely using the "loans" to keep themselves financially intertwined. However, if they are oral agreements and considering the sexual nature of their relationship...she COULD claim they were gifts or even payment for work performed (like bonuses that he invested into the business on her behalf instead of paying the money directly to her for work she ALREADY did thus avoiding taxes on the money).

Also...after the your wife leaves the business either she alone or both of you (if you co-signed) could go bankrupt and avoid paying the OM a dime.

Thus...the outstanding "loans" shouldn't prevent you from exposing at all. Tell OM's wife...tomorrow and if the company blows apart and fails...then you actually might get an opportunity to save your marriage.

I'm so sorry your idiot counselor didn't know a thing about saving marriages. You've been trying to save your marriage since Nov. 2008....wow, that counselor owes you a refund. Wonder if he/she can be sued for malpractice?

Mr. Wondering

Mr. Wondering has had a calming effect on me. I don't take back a thing I said. However, let me explain why you're getting pressure to expose - in more detail.

Harley, the best of the best when it comes to marriages and marriage rebuilding says that exposure is the FIRST step to recovery. Without exposure, you have zero, no chance, not in this lifetime, of recovering. WITH exposure, you do have a chance.

That is what the man says.

Mr. Wondering is a lawyer and a businessman. He will not steer you wrong.

Larry

You want the affair to end then expose. Sorry to say this but your WW is still banging the OM.

As to being partners in the buisness then how can he owe himself rent?

What kind of buisness deal is this?

There must be NC. To get NC you need to expose. As you have been told the town already knows.

Tell OMW, OM parents, WW parents and her siblings.

I thought this way. It was the biggest mistake I made. BS's who try to engineer "soft landings" for their WS's usually get walked all over and are miserable. It shouldn't work that way, but it does.

We are to meet with counselor tomarrow night. I am going to push the issue and tell him I want an answer on discloser to om spouse.to answer question of rent, the building is owned by another one of his busineses and he rents it back.The balance of the building is a large airplane hanger totally climate controlled. He managed to start a non profit museum and keeps his airplanes there. I am not sure if this is proper or not somehow I think not.