Kristy66:

I am sorry its taken me so long to read your posts and answer you. I am so sorry for your pain. Your H sounds like he is involved in a very scary scenario and you are trying to both protect yourself and your child as well as your H.

I think you've received good advice here and it sounds like your H's colleagues are willing to try to help him through this along with you. You are very fortunate they are aware of his problems and want to try and help.

As long as you feel you have it in you to forgive and go on with him if he gets help and works on the issues with you, I think you are wise to give it a chance. I would, however, suggest strongly that you do something formal with an attorney to protect your joint assets in case your H continues to see this woman or attempts to send her money without your knowledge. You may need to do some type of financial separation agreement or contract to make sure you are not through marital status responsible for his debts. You may not be totally aware of what he's done with his money during this episode.

Otherwise, it sounds as if there is a chance he may respond to help from you and other in his department. I think its worth a try. However if he rejects all efforts of help, then I think your son and you should be your first priority.

Kristy66:

I am sorry its taken me so long to read your posts and answer you. I am so sorry for your pain. Your H sounds like he is involved in a very scary scenario and you are trying to both protect yourself and your child as well as your H.

I think you've received good advice here and it sounds like your H's colleagues are willing to try to help him through this along with you. You are very fortunate they are aware of his problems and want to try and help.

As long as you feel you have it in you to forgive and go on with him if he gets help and works on the issues with you, I think you are wise to give it a chance. I would, however, suggest strongly that you do something formal with an attorney to protect your joint assets in case your H continues to see this woman or attempts to send her money without your knowledge. You may need to do some type of financial separation agreement or contract to make sure you are not through marital status responsible for his debts. You may not be totally aware of what he's done with his money during this episode.

Otherwise, it sounds as if there is a chance he may respond to help from you and other in his department. I think its worth a try. However if he rejects all efforts of help, then I think your son and you should be your first priority.

Kristy,

It's time to do a full-on exposure with this massage therapist.

First of all, find out if she has a state or national license.

Read up on the laws governing the standing of that license.

Also find out if she's a member of American Association of Massage Therapists. Or which association issues her liability insurance.

She can't hold a license without liability insurance, btw.

Then do a call out to BritsBrat on this board and ask for her help in crafting a complaint letter to the state and national licensure boards about her conduct in her practice. If she's employed at a clinic, that clinic owner needs to know she's prostituting herself with one of her clients, causing harm to that client's wife and children.

Some states have zero tolerance to sexual relations between therapist and client and will yank a license faster than you know what. And AMTA will respond appropriately too if the wording of the letter is clear that she's in violation of the code of conduct that separates professional standards from that seamy side where the credibility of the profession is at stake.

I would also expose to any individual members of occupational licensing offices governing license reviews.

She needs to be out of that very legitimate profession NOW/YESTERDAY for what she is doing.

If she's exposed to her peers, they will also shut her down. They will stop referring their overflow clients to her for fear of the stigma harming them professionally.

Every time there's a therapist who violates the professional code of conduct it besmirches the good the profession does.

She needs to be stopped.

edit to add: every massage therapist in her zip code needs to know what she's doing; cc them on the AMTA complaint letter if you can! In fact, all massage therapists in the county need to know. BritsBrat can help you steer clear of slander/libel issues so that it's a professional courtesy notification only.

Thanks for your help Kayla, However, She is a massage woman in Bangkok. I do not think anything can be useful there, they all do this aort of thing anyway.

Dear LLL, thanks for the advice and I will keep my options open. Just met the lawyer and I think I will get a separation agreement sorted.

How are you Kristy?

I am fine, did you get my last email that I sent on Thursday? maybe I will send it again.

Just to update to everyone here, I am not talking to my H now after an anger burst on Thursday (screamed at him all that), because he kept on saying he needed to go to Bangkok to sort him mind out, I just lost myself at that moment. I told him if he ever steps on Bangkok again, those emails will be sent out to everybody that we know. He was really scared of this. After that, I have not talked to him. It is like plan B, just I did not send him a love letter.

I did send him an email told him the conditions that I will have him back, such as no contact, survillance, marriage counselling, a post nuptial agreement, etc. He did not like it, I said more or less after what has happened, I can not trust him like I used to be, these conditions really to ensure you know the rules of playing and aware the possible consequences. Just left it like that.


A good friend talked to him for a long conversation, and referred him to a physcologist friend. My H will go to see him next week. I will just wait to see what happenes next.

This is what happened this week, not a lot, though sometimes I feel the angry is getting higher. How could he do such thing to me and our child. I wish he was hit by a car or something. When I asked him if he was lying to me, he swore on his parents' death, his own hit by a car, etc. I wish the God can hear what he said and punish his lies.

Anyway, I think I can live with it no matter which way it goes now. Especially after he told me in face that he loves her very much, I feel that my love for my H has just gone, I do not think I can live with someone who tells me in the face that he loves somebody else. Although I have read it from the emails all that, but hearing it in person makes such a big difference. My love is dead now. I know for the child's sake I should try to save the M, but still there is a limit. I feel I am reaching this limit. This also makes me sad too.

I met the lawyer too this week, decide to draw up a seperation agreement. Just need to get some financial things together and get an agreement sorted.

It does not sound going well as the plans, I think my H perhaps have made his mind up to leave. He started also to look at finances to see where his ground is and showed me some figures. I also knew he was looking around for loans to buy something near to where his new job is. In his mind he is not thinking we are moving together, he is thinking to have his separate life.

Any comments on what I should do next? I am thinking to just leave it, let him do whatever he likes see if he can sort his mess out. Should I do a love letter for plan B? So far I have played the hard ball without much sweetness, I just can not pretent to be nice to him at all, all I want is to kick his balls.

Hi Kristy,

I did not want to reply to you on another's thread; that's called "threadjacking" and is considered bad form. But I did want to respond to your latest post (your own thread has not had any activity for more than a week):

Are you familiar with the five stages of grief, as posited by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross many years ago? They are, in order:

• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance

When a marriage ends it's just like one's spouse has died, except that there is still the possibility of contact.

Of course, I am no expert, but it sounds to me much like you are possibly in the Bargaining stage. Which, if you ask me, is very quick for someone experiencing something like this (for comparison --and remember, I'm no expert-- I think that after four months I'm in the Depression phase). I only say this because if you are anything like most people, you will still go through a maze of emotions. I am happy you are feeling strong and have decided on establishing good, healthy boundaries. Please be warned, however, that you're not in the clear yet.

Now, on to the details of your post. Is the proposal you have to sign related to your marriage, to Plan B, or something else? Do you have to be present with your husband when you sign it, or can you sign it separately (at a later or earlier time, for example)? Also, Plan B requires that you not see him if at all possible. Not speaking is only one part of No Contact. Continuing to see him will wear away your Plan B. Just be aware of that.

Otherwise, you have a good grasp of Plan B's purpose: It it to prepare one for the possibility of divorce. It is a time to heal and become strong for oneself (and for one's children, as the case may be). It is to set strong boundaries for the return of the wayward spouse, should that become possible. You sound like you're very strong in both of those aspects. Good for you!

I hope you keep posting here (using your own thread whenever possible, LOL!) and keeping us up on events. Do not be surprised if you have down days, and we're here for you when that happens. We also enjoy hearing success stories, so please post those here, too!

Keep strong, Kristy!

Hello, Fred,
Thanks for replying to me. I am not aware of the five stages of grief, though I have to say it is surprisinglly how quickly I can get over it, I will find out about it and see if it helps. I have to say this website helps me a lot, I understand what is happening to my H from this website, so that I am not criticising myself if I have done something wrong. I know it is his own fault, anything but his own doing. He is a mean, unfaithful, untrustworthy person that does not derserve my love and my life. So I feel that It is better to find this out early enough and move on rather than wasting my time on this man any longer. Keeping this in mind, I am glad that this happened when I am still young enough to start again. He will be the one that regrets for the rest of his life.

Another reason that makes me feel I should move on is that he has not contacted my son for over two weeks now, He is so cruel that he does not even want his own child. So what is the point of thinking of him any more? My son does not ask for him much now. I think with time goes on, he will forget this Daddy. I am thinking I will never allow H to see my son if we ever divorce, find another decent man and go on like a family. So my son does not know there is ever such a father exists. Does it sound a feasible plan?
I am quite good at plan B, if I see him, I am just saying work related things to the minimum possible. It is very rare to see him any way. If there is a distance, I do not look at him. Actually I only feel disgusting when I see him, not love. So no danger there.

I will keep posting my progress here. Thanks.

Kristy

Just checked out the five stages of grief. I think I am more or less in the acceptance stage now. Certainly not in the barganing stage, because I decide not to be friends with H if we divorce, I will not talk to him, speak with him, he will become thin air, nonexisiting to me.

Kristy

It sounds legally impossible UNLESS your WH will agree to never contact you or his child again in exchange for not having to pay child support. Basically dissolve his parental rights to his child. In fact, I'm not sure that can even be done. So basically I think you're dreaming here.

Also you should tell your son the truth. Better that he grow up knowing he had another bio-dad and that "Daddy" adopted him. This way you and your son have a long history of trust and honesty.

If you lie to him he WILL find out (medical history needed, birth certificate needed... it WILL come up eventually). Then you'll have a long history of lies and deceit to overcome with your son.

Hmm.... do I want my children to look back on my relationship with them as one that was always solid and could be trusted no matter what, or as a huge lie that left them wondering what they could or couldn't believe from me?

Just an update on my situation, I do not know if anybody would be interested?

I have started the divorce procedure with my WH, after a few argument with him and destroyed his paintings all that. The truth is I can not help feeling so angry towards him whenever I see him. His solicitor sent me a letter saying if I do not start divorcing him first, then he will start the procedure. What a joke! I think I deserve someone better, I had enough of all this nonsense. Although now and then I feel quite upset for my son about not having a complete family, but he is coping so well and we have a lovely time together, although I am willing to do whatever for him, but there is a limit, isn't it? Plus WH only called my son 3 times and visited 2 times in the last two months since we separated, so you can all see what a cruel man he is and what is the point of keeping him? As far as I am concerned, the best thing he can do now is to be run over by a car or something, disappear from the world, then at least I can be a rich widow. Now I have to settle for a less, and that day will not be sooner enough.

Best,

Kristy