It is so hard to know what to write here. I am 42 my wife is 41. We have been married for 15 years, and really were good friends. We have 3 great kids, who are being torn apart by this dang divorce.

I was transferred to the coast 3 years ago. My wife and our kids (10,7,5) were supposed to join me after the home sold. It didn't happen. I tried for 1.5 years to transfer back. She was a girl scout troop leader, and my daughter home room assistant at her school. She was a stay at home mom, and every one was pretty happy.

In July 2008, my wife went back to her home state to visit her Grandmother who was very ill. While there she ran into an old ex-boyfriend. When she came back she changed. She lost 105lbs in seven months, she "needed" to get back to work, she stopped the home room and girl scouts, and my daughter was pulled out too. She began to spend tons of time online and long distance calls to other men who were "just friends"

I got home in Dec.2008, best month of my life. Then January 2009 she says she is no longer "in love" with me. and wants a divorce. I tried for the next 6 months to restore our marriage. I did the love dare, love must be tough, and tried to change whereever she felt I was not being a good enough husband.

It didn't matter. She had hired an attorney in January and was just waiting for the best time. June, while I was re-cooping from back surgery, she had me served divorce papers, with an order to get out.

This hell called Divorce has really taken it's toll. We have lost our home, I am in debt I can't believe, and my kids....they are so hurt by this. My oldest was removed from her school, due to her actions since this began.

In June I was given very little time with my kids, because she told quite a few lies. I was able to prove the lies when I finally got my day in court, in Sept. I then had 50/50 custody of the kids. I was finally able to take my kids to therapy. I have worked really hard to help my daughter get caught up in school. But during my Wife's parenting time, no homework was getting turned in. And she wouldn't respond to phone calls and requests to meet by the teachers.

Last month, because of some very poor decision by my wife, and some very bad things she has said to them, I now have them with me most of the time.

I take no pride in this.

I am a great DAD, but she used to be a great mom. My kids are doing better in school now, and the therapy is helping them.

I used to have dreams and goals to work towards, today I can't see tomorrow. It seems so wrong that one person can just decide to break up a family, no matter what it will do to the rest of the family.

What can you do when the person you vowed to love for the rest of your life, decides to leave, and burn the village around as she leaves?

Your post breaks my heart. I wonder if people like your wife ever come to their senses and if they do, is it just too late to make a difference? I'm sorry for your pain and your childrens' pain and I hope you can find a new "normal" for all of you.

1stepforward

Sorry to see you are here as well. I don't think anyone wants to be in the divorced club. Unfortunately sometimes that's the way life goes. It is wonderful to see that you are such a strong support for your children. Its good to hear they are staying with you more of the time. It is unfortunate that their mother would do a 180 like that and become such a mess. Is it possible she has some kind of mental issues?

My situation is different but I understand how it feels to need to let go of the dream. To have to pick up the pieces of your heart, finances, and still maintain a strong front for the kids. It isn't easy and I think it takes alot of time to get over the village being destroyed.

.

Right there's your dreams and goals, OneStepForward.

I'm really sorry to hear your situation. But it sure sounds like you're doing everything to pull yourself and your children through. Having more custody is so huge. You kids really really need a good example to follow and you have proven to be it. Kids have a way of latching on the the moral direction of even ONE person in their life even if everything else is chaos (it is often a coach or grandma or aunt, teacher; doesn't matter, but if it's you then even better).

You can only control yourself OSF. You can't control your wife or anyone else. That's one thing people talk about alot through infidelity situations (how I got here) and other circumstances you read about on this board.

You will get a lot of support here if you keep writing. It might not always be what you want to hear; we don't play that game. But one common thread is that we all seem to be on a path that we wouldn't have chosen and are trying to learn from it and help other in the process.

Your kids are in therapy, how about OneStepForward?

Hang in.
~optimism

ps: I know the money issues must be stressful, but I personally believe they will resolve themselves if you focus on priorities like bringing your kids up the right way and teaching them how to be strong in times of tremendous adversity. My 2 cents.

Thanks for the replys. I am strong for my kids, but when they go to bed, then I am weak.

I pray the money issues turn around.

My kids argue about who gets to sit by me each meal. My son told me last night "why don't we get 100 days with you and then one with mom?"

I don't know what it is like for them to go through this. Both my and my wife's parents stayed together. Somedays I feel like I failed my kids in this matter. I know it was not my choice. But I still wonder.

My wife's hero her whole life has been her father. If her folks had ever split up, she said she would've chosen to be with him. I wonder if she realises that our kids feel the same way? They want to be with me.

I never wanted this divorce, and tried to stop it, but she wanted the greener grass.

I am not in therapy, but I went to a Divorce care group to help get through this. They were a good group, but they are all done with their divorces, and most had been the spouse who had filed for the divorce. Very different point of veiw.

I don't need to hear only supporting posts. If I am making a big mistake, or could do better for my kids, let me know.

Thanks again.

1StepForward,

Sorry to see that you are here and the situation you are in. I too am a Custodial Father who's ex 'burned the village' when she decided she needed her freedom, after 13 years of a very loving marriage. So, believe me, I feel your pain. Over a year later, I am still baffled by it all. I encourage you to continue to be the example of the great father you are. Your kids need you more now than they ever will in their lives.

At the time my hell broke loose on 11/23/08, my kids were, DS-10 & DD-9 (10 on 11/26, Sorry for the crappy B-day honey, I'm sure mom still loves you anyway). A year 1/2 later our DS will barely speak to his mother. Our DS knows she has made some horrendously poor choices, but although cautiously, would run to her in a moment. I have had my kids full time since New Years day 2009, and exclusively since the 'Man of her Dreams' went to jail in August 09. Our kids have been in counseling since the 3rd week of 1/09. It helps a great deal. Both kids are still on the honor roll, active in sports, DS in band and he and I both in Boy Scouts. Additionally, all of this has done wonders for me in court.

I mention all this to show you, you are not alone & YOU CAN DO IT! I encourage you to tell your children every day that you will love them and will keep them safe for the rest of your life. I know this helped my kids greatly with their sense of insecurity and loss over the destruction of life as they knew it.

Encourage them to love their mother, regardless of how you feel. It is absolutely amazing how this little act of kindness endeared our kids to me. I believe I could let them go to their mothers hovel now and they would not be as easily manipulated as they used to be. My ex was mentally abusive to our DS in the early stages of our separation, which is just one of the reasons she now has supervised visits. Early on, the counselor gave me one of the best tools in my arsenal to defend against her. Tell your kids,"you have permission to love both parents, regardless of what ANYONE says" Let them talk about the good times they had or still have with their mother, believe me, they will love you for this! And if she does the opposite they will feel it, resent it, and want you more.

Above all, keep your cool around her and don't slip up and do something you will regret. Unfortunately, BTDT as well. Try your best to maintain the 'high road'. You will absolutely fare better in court and with your kids well into the future. Stay strong, my brother. You are not alone.

I will stay strong for my kids, Army strong!

Wow, HMO that's really good advice. Thanks for your input here I will be trying to implement your words as well.

1Step,
Your efforts are commendable. I hope I have your strength as my journey unfolds.

I realize you must be just about overwhelmed with reponsibilities and time committments. But as part of our separation/Divorce in MA, we had to take a Parenting Class that was really helpful in seeing divorce through the eyes of children. WAys to help and waht to do/say and what not to do/say. The class itself probably isne't accessible, but tI found a book with the same material. I'll give you the title when I get home if you might have time to even get to some of the specific chapters. (they go by age of the child)

hang strong.
opt

Happillymovingon- I thank you for your encouragement. So much of what I am going through is just not grasped by people who have not been through this.

I have told them it's ok to love both their mom and me. It is amazing how hard it is to keep saying this with any believability after all that she is doing. I don't grill my kids about how things are going when they are with their mom, but when they first see me, they just pour so much out. I think they need to unload.

The only exception to the above, is when she does/ or says something entirely wrong. (ie. she told my youngest to stop praying and singing. That it doesn't matter we are all going to hell anyway.) I immeadiatly tell my kids that she is wrong and it was wrong for her to say. She has said some pretty terrible things to them. part of the reason why I have primary custody right now.

Optimism- I think thats why I joined this site. It IS so overwhelming, and the courts seem so biased towards the mother. We were both ordered to take the parenting after diviorce class within one month of our first court date last june. I went and learned a lot. She has refused to attend, she has not taken my daughter to court ordered therapy appointments. But she had time to hire a nanny, last july, to go back home for a week long reunion / party with family and friends. I tried to have the kids stay with me when she was going to be gone, but the judge said it was her parenting time, and if she wanted them watched by a nanny during this time, that was up to her.

I would love to find out the name of the book. Anything I can do to deflect some of this from the kids, the better.

Unbelievable with these judges and the whole court system isn't it?

It sounds to me like you're 100 times the parent your wife is (at least in the eyes of your little guy). Oh well, point is to try to be the best parents we can be; I figure I can't give my kids a home with two parents in it, but I can sure be the best dad possible.

Glad to hear you took the parenting class. I went in with a pretty mundane expectation but was really enlightened. I doubt if I would have resorted to some of the crap illustrated in the movie they showed, but seeing it really had the desired affect on me.

The book I've been reading is along the same lines, but way more detailed.
"Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce" the Sandcastles Way; by M Gary Neuman.
I'm sure there are a lot of good books out there on Divorce and kids and everything, but in my very limited experience this book seems pretty "on the mark." [maybe others here will have comments as well]


I don't work with kids now or anything so I'm no expert, but one thing I remember that really stuck out with me during some classes I took in childhood development is the concept that kids can really thrive as long as there's at least ONE person in their life who they trust and who really loves them and guides them. I think you're doing right to just let your kids vent to you when they get home. If they feel safe 'unloading' with you, I would expect that would give them what they need to just let it go and readjust to YOUR environment. Keep setting a good example, and you can't go wrong; I'll try to do the same.

~opt

Really down today... couldn't sleep after 3 am this morning.

What do you do when you can't see your way through? I am so trying to move forward, and start to move towards a better future. I guess trying to keep from showing my kids my concerns, I hold it in, and it gets to me in the middle of the night.

I was making breakfast for my kids this morning, and had a memory of one of our great times as a family when we went to a local fair here in town. It isn't fair that the happy memories are becoming painful too.

I still miss my wife and our family as it was. I was a good husband, never cheated, never threatened or abused, I dont drink, or use drugs or cigarettes. I work hard to provide for my family. I used to take the kids on week-ends and gave my wife "quiet time" as she was a stay at home mom. I still drive the same car I bought before we were married, she has had two brand new vehicles.

I get tired of hearing how I have fault in her choosing to destroy our family.

You didn't hear that here.
I believe others would agree with me to:
Stop listening to that kind of BS!
And while you're at it, remove yourself from the environment that exposes you to people with that uneducated, ignorant, stupid opinion.

Sleep is important, 1Step. Are you opposed to getting a prescription for a sleep aid (like ambien)? How about an anti-depressant to get you through a rough spot. (Sorry if you have already addressed these questions above). I for one, by the way have no problem with either of the above medications and have had success with them on a limited and temporary basis. --something to consider.

opt

1Step, I concur with Optimism on getting a sleep aid or anti-depressant. You very much need to maintain your health and sanity. Your kids need it and deserve it. During the night your mind will race with all of the 'videos' of your family, your pending court case, and a million other scenarios. You do need to stop, or at least control these thoughts for your healths sake.

I have always been a 'morning person', but know what you mean when you can't sleep after 3am. Just thinking about all the 'what if's'. You've heard it before, Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda. It's difficult, but don't worry yourself to death over things you have no control over. You can't control your WW's choices in life. You can only influence them by being the good man, father, husband that you ARE.

I had to live through all this anxiety as well, and still do to some extent. I did not what to file for divorce, but because of the absolutely stupid choices my ExWW made, she left me no choice. I dearly miss the family we were, but there's nothing I can do about it. You have to simply chalk it up to HER life's choices and move on the best you can. Always put you and your kids needs and desires first and foremost. IF, she returns, work on recovery then, but for now, plan for the long term, without her.

If she is the one trying to lay blame on you for the break up of your marriage, it is must likely her method of coping with her guilt & shame over what SHE has done. We went through this too. She told the kids counselor and a CPS investigator, (yes, I had to call CPS on her at one point), that the reason she 'left' me was I was so horrible to be with. It was all my fault. This is nothing more than justification for her wayward ways. Don't even bother trying to answer it or counter the argument. It is useless and will only exasperate the issue. She will eventually begin to miss you and the comfort, stability, & love that you are. Then it will be your choice of whether you want her back or not. Boy Scout motto, Be Prepared!

Bets regards to you my brother & stay strong for your children!

I will stay strong for my kids, Army Strong!

Thanks again for your posts, I sometimes feel like no one understands. No one I knew closely has ever gone through a divorce, expecially not like this one.

I have noticed something, my oldest was still having problems in school and having angry outbursts when she became frustrated, or things were not how she wanted them. Her therapist said she has anger and anxiety that she is releasing in bursts. Well this week, she has had three great days, and handled the frustration perfectly. SHe has had one day with a little of the anger, but not like it had been.

This makes me so happy. when we were week on week off, she never had good days like this. Almost every day there was some issue that caused an outburst. Now she is doing so much better, Thank you Lord.

Some light in this storm, my daughter appears to be healing and doing better.

Optimism, you are doing a great jobas a dad for your kids. By not just taking a class, but continuing the pursuit of what it will take for your kids to successfully survive divorce, you are looking out for your family. Great Job.

Wow, 1Step, thanks for the encouragement! I'm trying my best with all this and getting a lot of support but like you and others definitely have times when I wonder if I'm missing anything. I just wrote a 2 part novel in my thread about my mental state regarding the divorce. But there's SO MUCH to it, 12 hours later, I'm filled with despair for my kids; wishing there was more I could do to change my wife's mind. Or wishing I would have found MB sooner (like 15 years ago). Oh well, Iguess it's all about moving on, taking one step forward....

Awesome to hear about your daughter. Hopefully that will help relieve some of the stress and help you sleep. You need sleep to deal with all this. If you�re not into prescriptions, or don�t have access yet, could you try some herbal stuff (the legal kind)? I take Melatonin at night and it does seem to help. It�s not very long-lasting or potent for me, but it has got me through some nights.

opt

1step,

I am so sorry and know what you are going through. My xWW did the exact same thing--burned every bridge to ashes as fast as she could run across it. And did so with astonishing insanity and complete lack of remorse. Threw away her friends, family, marriage, home, values, standards, and dignity -- all without an apology, explanation or even a simple "goodbye" to any of the people who loved her and had been intimate fixtures in her life for a decade+.

It was befuddling to me as it is to you as well. It's something we could NEVER see ourselves ever doing (much less the WAY they do it) and something we NEVER would have forseen our spouses being capable of. Sometimes I think these people are beset by something even more disorienting than the fog of an emotionally-addicted affair. It is almost like they have a "psychotic break" with reality...I don't think they even have the faintest clue of the long-term ramifications and repercussions. They just "live in the moment" and are driven by their emotions. It quite literally is "all about them only" at the time and it seems to persist for a long, long time.

As hard as it is, you have to accept her choices, as unwanted and ridiculous as they may be. It was very hard for me to grasp the implications of this:
It takes 2 to marry, but it only takes one to affair and/or divorce.
She is no longer the person she once was...maybe she NEVER was in the first place.

Get as far away from her self-destructiveness as fast as you can or she will crush you mentally. Other than what is absolutely necessary for your legal case and the welfare of your kids, have no contact, direct (esp.) or indirect, with her. Get rid of all physical reminders...move them to storage or a friend's house. Connect with other 'safe' people in your life--friends, family, kids, co-workers, support-group cohorts, church aquaintances, etc.

Rebuild your self-esteem, learn, and grow. You will come out better, wiser, stronger, and happier. These people are truly evil and you should tolerate no such evil in your life.

God speed...

Optimism and sdcw-man, thanks for the encouragement.

I went to parent / teacher confrences last night... I am concerned with something that the teacher brought up.

She first said she was so happy with the progress that my son has made in his reading, he was 1 year behind the class at the first P?T confrences, and now he has caught up.

I asked if his mom had made an appointment to meet about our son's accomplishments, she said she has never made a confrence or even returned phone calls from the teacher.

She then said "I want to tell you something that happened last tuesday... " She was having the kids line up to go to lunch and she makes a game out of it, saying things like "line up if you have a pet, or line up if you have caught a snowflake on your tongue." She already had the girls in the class lined up.

She next asked the boys who are loved by their moms to line up. The rst of the boys lined up.

My son stayed seated. The teacher went over and asked him why he hadn't gotten into line and his reply was " My mom doesn't love me, she hates me."

She asked him to join the line and brought them to lunch. she went to a break room and cried.

7 years old............ Now try and tell me how kids are resilient. I am at a loss on what to do. i will let his therapist know, but they can only let them talk about it.

I don't ever talk poorly about their mom. I want to, but I don't. So how do I help him best?

I am a great Dad. and my kids love being with me. God has blessed me with 3 of the funniest and fun to be around. We have been making new memories like ice skating this year for the first time.

1step, that breaks my heart and I know it crushes yours. Keep going, though. It gets better. As to "what to do" beyond talking to the therapist, like Optimism said, knowing YOU truly love him will help him overcome the rejection he feels from his Mom.

This is truly devastating to me. so sad. I wish I knew what to say but I don't.

I know you'll get the right help for your son. You are a good Father and that's what good Fathers do. Put on those good listening ears, this kid needs someone like you he can trust. A lot.

opt

1step,
are all your kids involved with their "Adjustment Counsellors" at school (every school might have a different variation of the position). When I got on the D bus, I found out about this person at both our kid's schools and talked to them both personally. It helped my son (13) just to know folks in the school were aware of the situation (I also talked to all his teachers, just to have them on the lookout for any behaviour changes).
My daughter(8) has a group for children of divorce that meets weekly. They play games and talk. (She calls it the "the divorce group" - so cute). I think it's helping her a lot.

I re-read the chapter in that book I mentioned about 6-8 year olds. One thing jumped out at me that might help - it's a paragraph I'll try to transcribe here over the w/e.

Sorry if I've told you anything you already know.
You're in my thoughts.

opt