It is grounds for divorce, is it not? Also, is it not one of the 10 commandments? Not to mention people used to get killed for such actions, (still do today, but I think in years past it was almost legal to do so).

Plus it hurts so dayum bad.

"I have told her, verbatim, those same items.....I get nothing in return"

What exactly has been her response?

My friend, if you are arguing with me to change MY mind, you won't do so. I've spent months on the treadmill you find yourself on now, and my decision works very well for me and my remorseful, loving bride.

As for your points:

"It is grounds for divorce, is it not?" Well, in my beknighted State there need be NO grounds for divorce, other than "I don't care to remain married," so looking for validation by the civil statutes we live under is easy, but not exactly a compelling argument.

"Also, is it not one of the 10 commandments?" An interesting point, if irrelevant to the discussion at hand. Your wife needs to address her violation of the tenets of her religion with her spiritual advisor, and eventually with her Maker. I don't recall any of us being delegated the power to punish transgressions by others by committing possible transgressions of our own.

"Not to mention people used to get killed for such actions.." You don't really want to use the misguided actions of past generations to justify your own (admittedly more civilized) actions, do you? I would hope we've progressed beyond burning people as witches and trying to drown them to prove they were telling the truth!

Let me ask you a question: If these infidelities were never committed by your wife, would you expect to honor your marriage vows? Now, assuming that she is remorseful and regetful, how much more character does it take to fight through your own misery, and come out the other side, true to yourself, than to throw in the hand you've been dealt and walk away? The good news is that you have dozens (scores? hundreds?) of allies here who will gladly help you fight that fight.

This bears repeating:

Why are you settling for crumbs? Tigers don't change their stripes. She will make you miserable for the rest of your life.

OR!

You can SEVER, live your life with your head held high, and have another chance at love. Believe it or not, there are women out there who would love you with every fiber of their being, unconditionally, and treat you like a king.

I didn't used to believe that was possible. After I got divorced, by the grace of God, I ended up meeting a girl who I am convinced is straight from Heaven. I didn't even KNOW what love could be like until I met her. Now I'm mad at myself for settling for scraps of love from my mess of an XW for so long.

SEVER!

You have no idea what a rich life awaits you, my friend.

Actually,if you are religious, God does give adultery as grounds for divorce. If you are otherwise associated wiht the Christian god in any denomination you have every right to divorce a cheating spouse. Except perhaps for Catholics--but they will grant annulments for those circumstances.

'TR', her response is that yes, its new for me, but it's in the past, so it's done with, over, she isn't like that anymore.....thats her stand. As far as 'the story', she just says it won't help me to hear details or anything about the A's. As I've posted, she says talking about the A's puts her back in the state of mind she was in back when she did the A's. She starts to have the same feelings, or lack of for me, when she talks about the A's. So I have to put my feelings on the back burner as I don't want her to feel like she did when she committed the A's. She is controlling my feelings, sort of passive aggressive?

I even showed her that letter, whats it called, Johns ladder or something..? It didn't make a dent.

'NG', I am not trying to do anything, you are getting biblical on me, so I am pointing out the other side of the bible to you, but I know you are aware of them. I know you're trying to help and I appreciate it. Thanks. I will reflect on what you asked.

'CH', I am starting to venture over to your side of the table. Just being around her, I feel my head is hung low, I feel no self esteem, defeated, deflated. When she was gone on vacation, two months post Dday, my head was held high, I was feeling great, the best I have been in years. People noticed, my family did as well. Then she came back and I allowed my newly built boundaries to slowly fall apart. My moms and I just talked about this today.

So in the past month or so I've decided that I want to take care of myself. That I want to be proud again, I don't know if I can ever have pride, real pride, being with a woman who was intimate with 5 men while married to me. Me walking around with a woman who behind my back screwed 5 OM, and basically refuses to do any 'lifting' to make our marriage right. Won't even listen to a CD?

codtej- Nobody ever said this program was easy. In fact, most folks on here say this is the hardest thing they have ever done in their life- myself included.

I can also relate to the loss of pride and defeated feelings. I was gone for about 6 weeks and came back home feeling very strong and confident. Took two days to reduce me back to questioning my every move and feeling low self esteem.

This is a roller-coaster and there are many ups and downs. Re-think the reasons you want to save this marriage. If they are strong enough, work the Plan A program to the best of your abilities and then when you have just about had it- go dark Plan B.

Just my .02

codtej

Why not suggest to WW that you counsel with the Harley's about why she can't feel safe to talk about the affair and why you can't let go of the past.

Suggest that the Harley's are good at resolving these types of conflicts.

'TR', I will see.

'SOL', looking at your signature, you are heading for divorce? So you had Dday and then you left for 6 weeks and got your pride back, came back home and slid back to pre-deployment status?

Yea that is similar what happened to me, except it was she that 'deployed' for a month.

Thanks.

codtej,

I know you're mainly venting, but I wanted to offer a suggestion. You can make an appt with the Harley's for YOU. You can also invite your wife to join you if she wishes or fly solo on the appointment. You WILL receive some valuable insight from experts in dealing with infidelity, even if you are flying solo.

Good luck!

I'm going to go against what most of these people are saying. I would love to hear MelodyLane's take on this, as I agree with her 100% of the time.

Let's look at the facts.

Your WW had 5 different affairs (that you know of).
She is not demonstrating that she's had a true change of heart.
You are growing more and more unhappy and losing self-respect.
Your ENs are not being met despite your calm, reasoned efforts to reengage your WW in the marriage.

The logical answer seems clear: she will cheat again, she doesn't really love you, and you need to get away from her emotional abuse, like, YESTERDAY.

Your situation, IMHO, begs for a Plan D. Life is too short to put up with an consistently disrespectful, unrepentant WS.

You need to "filter out" some of the advice you're getting on here - not every marriage should be saved, but some newer posters tend to skew their advice that direction.

Again, paging MelodyLane!

Larry and COD and SW,

Might I suggest that these feelings of IDK and IDGAF anymore and empty and depressed and etc are the result of your love banks not being filled up by your respective spouses. If you had a partner who was on board with MBers and realized they too need to be making efforts to make deposits in your love banks then we have a different scenario. One where hope may bloom and love might florish long term. You each have to analyse your own situations for hope that your partner will step up, learn, grow, and cherish and care for you as their spouse which they promised to do too.

Now how do can we assess that? First you ASK them... "Spouse, I promised to love, honor and cherish you and I know in the past I may have failed at lots of things but I am learning how to be better at loving you in the ways that you need to be loved. I know our marriage has suffered, that each of us is suffereing and I want to reverse that and grow a marriage that we both think is great. If there was program or book or DVD that is proven to help us do that would you look at it with me?" or "Q: Spouse, did you ever know that God has a goal and a plan for our marriage in the bible? Let me share with you something I just learned..."

Maybe they agree, then work your plan. Maybe one night a week for 6 weeks. Maybe they don't agree, then work your other plan that has time limits like if we don't see improvement in spouse's attitudes and behaviours after 3 months I will initiate separation as a wake up call. You deserve a great marriage and an enthusiastic partner. If you are not getting them then changes must be made. Establish your goals, your time frames your marriage curriculum, and your boundaries. Do not settle for no plan, lousy attitude and no love bank deposits coming or going. Not acceptable.

Openness and Honesty are not emotional needs just for you from them. It cuts both ways. "Spouse, I am feeling terrible about our marriage and very hopeless but I don't want to stay like this. We need to work together on our marriage. Will you plan some time to talk at 7pm?" Be specific, be honest, be better!