I understand this won't be a popular opinion on this particular board, but sometimes I'll read a few topics and shake my head in disbelief. This is only my opinion, and I wish I would've taken my own advice years earlier.

How should you deal with your spouse's affair(s)? You should divorce them asap. Period. No second chances, regardless of finances, kids, etc. Sure, there are some positive stories of reconciliation on Marriage Builders, but this place is not an accurate cross-section of real life. No matter how much you love your WS, no matter what they promise, odds are that they will either cheat again at some point, you'll be stuck in mediocre-at-best marriage, or both.

You can't really rebuild trust after being betrayed like that. Some people claim they have, but I simply don't believe them. I think they are deluding themselves out of fear of ending the marriage. They can't do better than a cheater? Really? I can.

These WSs deserve to dropped like a bad habit, and every BS deserves better. If you don't think you deserve a partner who HAS NEVER cheated on you, then you should take a hard look at your self-esteem. Unconditional love should only apply to your kids, if anyone at all. I don't think it's healthy to continue to love someone who physically, mentally, and emotionally tortured you so they could have an orgasm or an ego boost.

Dump them. I walked out on my ex after trying for 3 years to get over what she did to me. It was the best move I've made in my entire life. She doesn't deserve me, and your WS/FWS doesn't deserve you, and never will.

Sorry to hear your M ended, mine too. However MB prepared me to survive WW' A and helped me move on. I have no regret doing painful plan A then plan B.

I am now happily married and using MB. It worth all the pain I have to go through.

-rh-

Damn, that was harsh.

However, I think you're missing a big point.

What you wrote here absolutely applies when only one of the marriage partners is on board with trying to recover the marriage. What surprised me the most is that the reluctant one is usually the wayward. Totally the opposite of what I would have thought before living through it myself.

I'm still committed to saving my marriage, but that committment is weakening daily. It's just hard to shoulder the whole load and be the only one trying to change.

I think there's a common thread that goes through all of these stories. The successful recoveries only happen when BOTH parties are fully committed. Otherwise, the outcome is nearly certain.

I'm sorry terrible things happened to you, Krazy, and I hope you're moving on in a healthy way.

I have to say that my sitch is different than yours. Everyone's got their own personal elements in the A's they're dealing with.

Another poster said something a few days ago that I've decided to wear on my heart: words to the effect of "I didn't vow to love him and stay with him just when times are good." I made a promise to myself and everyone in that church when we married. I intend to keep those vows, even in knowing this terrible thing he did.

The only way I would release myself from my vows would be if he were to hurt me again, knowing the terrible fallout we've had to cope with. And I do trust that that will never happen again. Trust, but verify.

To each his/her own, but I don't understand the desire to keep your vows when they've already broken theirs.

I know I can do better than a cheater. I will, or I'll be alone. Staying makes you a doormat, because they got away with it. They can ramble on forever about how remorseful they are, how the guilt is killing them, etc., but at the end of the day they fooled around, and kept their spouse.

Why not incorporate a "One time piece of tail on the side" clause in your wedding vows?

RA ?

Krazy, I understand your perspective, but have you ever considered there might be more to some situations. For example, I can't remember if there are kids involved in your case, but for me, a quickie divorce would mean that some skanky OW would have half-custody of my children. I'd rather chew on glass than to have that happen.
From my perspective, it would have been selfish of me to just walk, and tell my kids, "sorry, good luck spending half your life with the WH and his young OW." I invested way too much in them to just abandon them.

Never. I wised up and realized I deserve better. I refuse to believe that a former cheater is the best I can do.

It's not a game of even-steven. We'd go nuts splitting hairs over who met whose emotional needs better if the idea was to be King of the Mountain. Life sucks. Or is great. Depends on how you look at it, and depends on what you do with what you're dealt. I think life is great!

BTW, the easiest thing I could have done would have been to walk. Staying has shown me a person I didn't know I was, and I like that person.

And if I'd walked, I'd be leaving someone who has now become the perfect husband. Why would I let someone else have that after all the work I've done?

Kids are never an excuse to get married, or to stay married. As long as you are married, they get to spend 100% of their time around a WS. How is that any better?

I tend to agree with you, Krazy. MB success stats are so skewed. 100%! It is to laugh.

Oh wait, fine print. Both BS and WS first must be fully on board with the program and, hmmm, reconciliation has to actually succeed. Yay, another success! Only then is their case put into the yet-another-success bin. Which seems to be the only bin available, actually.

IMO D first. Then see if you might want to get back together at your leisure. Usually best not to though. I wasted 5 years trying MB. D at my leisure is now the plan. D should have been the plan from the beginning. Come on, a continuous 10-year VLTA? How could that ever have been reconciled, MB or not MB? I was a fool to think it could be.

Glad you're happy! ITA!!!

They're inhumane!

Fog my rear! Ingrained entitlement is more like it.

I don't know if you get MB counseling but 3 years of trying will bankrupt Love Bank for sure.

-rh-

Hey Krazy, nice to see you!

I have to say I understand Krazy's pov quite well, but I also understand those who do make every attempt to recover their marriage. Is it easier to walk? Not necessarily when you factor in extenuating circumstances such as children and finances. There are many reasons to attempt recovery, not the least of which is the basic knowledge that you KNOW you did everything you could. And anybody that remembers Krazy's sitch knows that he did.

The one thing I agree wholeheartedly with Krazy on is that our WS's DO NOT DESERVE us at all. And no amount of overanalyzing who didn't meet whose ENs will make a difference. When you lay all your cards on the table, waywards are simply undeserving of a faithful spouse. Period. Some just happen to be very fortunate that their BS will even consider giving them a second chance. And great for you if you (the BS) can do that. But it's not for everyone.

The fact that leaving is easier than staying after infidelity is the biggest indicator that it's the correct course of action, in my opinion.

Well, Krazy, you didn't answer my question about whether you had kids or not. First of all, my H, while maybe of weak character, is more likely to remain a FWH than a WxH married to an OW with half custody of my dis. This way they get to spend 100% of their time with me, which I have to say is MUCH BETTER.
But I understand your bitterness.

OK, I just went back and read your first posts from 2007. Looks like the pain of discovery was too much for you. Maybe you would have recovered had you just bashed the OM in the kneecaps. It seems like it's more about pride and disrespect than it is about family. I just don't understand how you feel ok about leaving your children with a wayward in an unchecked situation.
I mean, you have very limited influence over your children as your WXW continues her skanky behavior. Is that really what your daughter needs to see as a role model? At least while with you, the WW has to tone it down or keep it in darkness. I dunno.

K71,

Quick question, do you feel MB helped improve you, or improved your chances of a better next relationship.

Gamma

Every BS has the right to divorce there WS or FWS at any point. They wayward gave the BS that right when they cheated.

Krazy tried, but he just couldn't get past it.
He divorced without a RA.

You did it right Krazy, you have my respect!
(But I am sorry MB could not work for you)



Question
How is/did XFWW taking the fallout of her choosing to cheat?
(Divorce)


I have always found for me that the harder path is the more rewarding and therefore correct choice. But that's just me.

Easy doesn't necessarily equal better, though. I go with my gut instinct every time, which is sometimes the harder road. It hasn't failed me yet, though.

Again, A's have their own personalized agony for every poster. Each person has to look at what they've been dealt and go from there. I'd be the last one to say married people have to stay together regardless of what happens.