The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the betrayed spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts http://marriagebuilders.com/ca/to.cgi?l=qa080103bc
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.

Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery.

Hi Melody,
This is where it get's tricky. My husband is in law enforcement. After the affair, he was transferred to another department and does not work with her anymore. The OW husband is also works for the same law enforcement agency. My husband was her direct supervisor, so for this to became public (my husband is adament that it should not,) it not only jeapordizes his career but my husband is affraid of what the OW's husband would do as well. So, not only can I not share this awful experience with the spouse, I cannot talk to my close friends as it could all come crashing down. I just don't know what to do!!!!

Your WH should have thought about that before he decided to have the A. You absolutely must share this with the OWH. Would you want people to know your H was screwing around and not tell YOU? Telling the OWH puts a second set of eyes on the OW and will help ensure that the A doesn't rekindle. AND the OWH deserves to know what he's married to.

Read my bio, lisa. Exposure ended the A in my sitch.

My husband was her direct supervisor, so for this to became public (my husband is adament that it should not,) it not only jeapordizes his career

but my husband is affraid of what the OW's husband would do as well.

Thank you all! I guess even after all of this, I try to protect my husband. It is still so new that I am not thinking clearly or sleeping or eating. My life is consumed with this as I really thought everything was good. He even told the counselor that he would love to blame a portion of it on me, but he can't. He did not know why he did it as he does not love her, he always loved me. Unfortuantely, that does not make me feel better. If in his mind, he thought our marriage was great, why would he cheat???? Especially when I was in the hospital and could not walk for a month prior to that. If he could cheat then, what is to stop him down the road when another woman finds him attractive???
Thank you guys so much for your support. It means a great deal to me!

This is where it get's tricky. My husband is in law enforcement. After the affair, he was transferred to another department and does not work with her anymore. The OW husband is also works for the same law enforcement agency. My husband was her direct supervisor, so for this to became public (my husband is adament that it should not,) it not only jeapordizes his career but my husband is affraid of what the OW's husband would do as well.

I've seen something on here a lot, lisa, and I believe there's a connection: many times there will be a very stressful event that occurs just prior to an A beginning. It could be the sickness or death of a parent (that was the case in my sitch), the sickness of a spouse (your sitch), job loss, etc. I think these stresses may contribute to a WS seeking a temporary escape from 'real life' and finding temporary relief in the fantasy land of an A.

Hi Melody,
This is where it get's tricky. My husband is in law enforcement. After the affair, he was transferred to another department and does not work with her anymore. The OW husband is also works for the same law enforcement agency. My husband was her direct supervisor, so for this to became public (my husband is adament that it should not,) it not only jeapordizes his career but my husband is affraid of what the OW's husband would do as well. So, not only can I not share this awful experience with the spouse, I cannot talk to my close friends as it could all come crashing down. I just don't know what to do!!!!

He told her that there is to be no more contact, but how do I really know and how do I know that this will not happen again later in our life. I just hate the fact that it is so complicated and I can't seem to move past the why. It feels as though the rug has been pulled beneath me. If he praises our marriage and me so much and still did this, what is to stop him again????

Thank you for your responses. Yes, he is seeing a marriage counselor with me. I think he did enjoy the attention from the OW. He had recently lost weight and needed an ego boost if I had to guess. That is really all it is as he continually says he does not know why. We have been married for 21 years and he says this is the first time and could be a mid-life crisis. I made him call the OW and tell her I knew. (I was sitting there while he made the call.) He told her that there is to be no more contact, but how do I really know and how do I know that this will not happen again later in our life. I just hate the fact that it is so complicated and I can't seem to move past the why. It feels as though the rug has been pulled beneath me. If he praises our marriage and me so much and still did this, what is to stop him again????

Thank you for your responses. Yes, he is seeing a marriage counselor with me. I think he did enjoy the attention from the OW. He had recently lost weight and needed an ego boost if I had to guess. That is really all it is as he continually says he does not know why. We have been married for 21 years and he says this is the first time and could be a mid-life crisis. I made him call the OW and tell her I knew. (I was sitting there while he made the call.) He told her that there is to be no more contact, but how do I really know and how do I know that this will not happen again later in our life. I just hate the fact that it is so complicated and I can't seem to move past the why. It feels as though the rug has been pulled beneath me. If he praises our marriage and me so much and still did this, what is to stop him again????

IMVHO. You could expose to OWH but you need to know for what purpose. Revenge ?. b/c OWH deserve to know ?. Who would be held responsible for OWH's reaction ?. However you could use this as deterrence to OW and WH.

-rh-

The same can be said about telling children about an affair. My experience with the positive outcomes of hundreds of families where an affair has been exposed to children has led me to encourage a betrayed spouse not to fear such exposure. In fact, to mislead children, giving other false explanations as to why their parents are not getting along, causes children to be very confused. When they finally discover the truth, it sets an example to children that dishonesty is sometimes acceptable, making them the judge of when that might occur.

An affair is an attack on children as well as the betrayed spouse. And it's true that children are deeply affected by this form of irresponsible behavior. But it's the act of infidelity that causes children to suffer, not the exposure of it. Facts point us toward solutions. Illusion leads us astray. That's true for children as well as adults.