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So you think they still have contact? When would he see her? I don't understand... She literally lives 11 hours away and he started with her on a business trip.
. Many affairs are carried on via phone and internet. it happens all the time. And i am presuming the OW can drive or fly to your town? There is nothing stopping her because you are helping them hide the affair. Her H would never know so he wouldn't object to her coming to see your H.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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He said he wanted to start over...  But then what happened last night. He got mad at me for questioning him: "would you still have ended the affair if she lived closer?" He told me I let the devil in again. He then cancelled our dinner reservations and gave me the silent treatment for yesterday and all of today.
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He said he wanted to start over... But then what happened last night. He got mad at me for questioning him: "would you still have ended the affair if she lived closer?" He told me I let the devil in again. He then cancelled our dinner reservations and gave me the silent treatment for yesterday and all of today. Bully  He's bullying you into shutting up about his A. YOU let the devil in??? Ha, that's a good one. He's boinking a business associate and YOU let the devil in?? 
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Yes. I think they are both playing me for a fool.
So i just told him that I am going to expose him to her husband. He says he doesn't care. He doesn't care about it at all. I told him, what I liked...you're mad at me for nothing so you might as well be mad at me for something real.
He literally expects me to shut up and never mention it again. Like pretend like it didn't happen. wow
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From my experience, I read his reaction as a meaning of :
1.He is not sorry for what he did: He's sorry he got caught.
2. He resents you for interrupting his very selfish secret of satisfaction.
3. He is either still seeing her, seeing someone else or wanting to.
4. There is no respect for you. he loves himself more than he loves you.
5. He doesn't want to take responsibility or deal with what he has done to you. U R a long way from being ion the kind of relationship you want. It will feel like a battle. Do u think u might be emotionally abused?
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Yes. I think they are both playing me for a fool.
So i just told him that I am going to expose him to her husband. He says he doesn't care. He doesn't care about it at all. I told him, what I liked...you're mad at me for nothing so you might as well be mad at me for something real.
He literally expects me to shut up and never mention it again. Like pretend like it didn't happen. wow Very good. Now, what is your plan? Don't go off half-cocked and do a slipshod exposure. Make a list of people who need to know. Read the links here about who you should consider exposing to. Note: The members of your family who stand to suffer financially from your WH's A should be at the top of the list, right after the OWH.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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From my experience, I read his reaction as a meaning of :
1.He is not sorry for what he did: He's sorry he got caught.
2. He resents you for interrupting his very selfish secret of satisfaction.
3. He is either still seeing her, seeing someone else or wanting to.
4. There is no respect for you. he loves himself more than he loves you.
5. He doesn't want to take responsibility or deal with what he has done to you. U R a long way from being ion the kind of relationship you want. It will feel like a battle. Do u think u might be emotionally abused? I have claimed emotional abuse for years. And I always tell him how selfish he is. He definitely loves himself the most. Even now...he stormed out and turned off his cellphone so I can't reach him. I also tell him that he does not respect me. I know in my heart he does not. Someone who is sorry does not act the way he does. I should say that he was tramatically emotionally and physically abused as a child. I should have been more careful. I mean after all that he has done to me to hurt me with this affair...why be so mean like last night? Why cancel our reservations? Why the silent treatment? What did I do wrong? I asked him about the affair...that question...and he flipped out.
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Yes. I think they are both playing me for a fool.
So i just told him that I am going to expose him to her husband. He says he doesn't care. He doesn't care about it at all. I told him, what I liked...you're mad at me for nothing so you might as well be mad at me for something real.
He literally expects me to shut up and never mention it again. Like pretend like it didn't happen. wow Very good. Now, what is your plan? Don't go off half-cocked and do a slipshod exposure. Make a list of people who need to know. Read the links here about who you should consider exposing to. Note: The members of your family who stand to suffer financially from your WH's A should be at the top of the list, right after the OWH. I already told his parents. THEY DON'T BELIEVE ME! I told them I have proof...they don't want to hear it and he denies it to them.
Last edited by lostandscorned; 03/14/10 12:50 PM.
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So i just told him that I am going to expose him to her husband.
You do NOT tell the cheater you intend to expose to OW's husband.
You just do it.
MelodyLane said:The first step is to call the OW's husband without telling your H
Last edited by Pepperband; 03/14/10 12:53 PM.
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Yes. I think they are both playing me for a fool.
So i just told him that I am going to expose him to her husband. He says he doesn't care. He doesn't care about it at all. I told him, what I liked...you're mad at me for nothing so you might as well be mad at me for something real.
He literally expects me to shut up and never mention it again. Like pretend like it didn't happen. wow You have probably just forfeited your most powerful weapon by telling him you are going to expose. Now he has an opportunity to PRE-EMPT you by warning the OW and she can go to her husband and tell him you are crazy and jealous. You need to call the OWH NOW, TODAY, before this gets any worse. When you are finished, call your husband�s family and tell them about the affair. They need to know what your H has done and that the OW is a threat to their marriages too. And yes, your H expects to sweep this under the carpet and will punish you if you don�t. If you want to save your marriage, you won�t let that happen. Exposure is the first step to saving your marriage, because it will brush away the fantasy of the affair. The more people who know, the more people to hold him accountable. Expose the affair everywhere, LS. And do it TODAY before you are pre-empted.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Yes. I think they are both playing me for a fool.
So i just told him that I am going to expose him to her husband. He says he doesn't care. He doesn't care about it at all. I told him, what I liked...you're mad at me for nothing so you might as well be mad at me for something real.
He literally expects me to shut up and never mention it again. Like pretend like it didn't happen. wow You have probably just forfeited your most powerful weapon by telling him you are going to expose. Now he has an opportunity to PRE-EMPT you by warning the OW and she can go to her husband and tell him you are crazy and jealous. You need to call the OWH NOW, TODAY, before this gets any worse. When you are finished, call your husband�s family and tell them about the affair. They need to know what your H has done and that the OW is a threat to their marriages too. And yes, your H expects to sweep this under the carpet and will punish you if you don�t. If you want to save your marriage, you won�t let that happen. Exposure is the first step to saving your marriage, because it will brush away the fantasy of the affair. The more people who know, the more people to hold him accountable. Expose the affair everywhere, LS. And do it TODAY before you are pre-empted. I have proof remember. The emails say it all. And I have the phone records. They have nothing on me. I am sure I will accomplish this with much success
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Yes. I think they are both playing me for a fool.
So i just told him that I am going to expose him to her husband. He says he doesn't care. He doesn't care about it at all. I told him, what I liked...you're mad at me for nothing so you might as well be mad at me for something real.
He literally expects me to shut up and never mention it again. Like pretend like it didn't happen. wow lost, I know this is very new to you and you are probably dazed, but you must slow down and listen carefully to what people here are telling you. This was said to you in your second or third reply to this thread: Hi
Yes she is married...with 2 children. Gotcha. The first step is to call the OW's husband without telling your H and telling him about the affair. I would disguise your # using *67 and call his house. OR you can call him at work. Tell him your full name and phone #, inform him of all the details you have of the affair and offer to send him the emails from 2008. Do you have the emails in a safe place so your H cannot find them and destry them?
It sounds from your other post that they are still in contact? Is that correct? You seem to have missed the fact that you need to become smart and hide your actions from your H. Your H is a liar and a cheat at the moment and you MUST NOT let him know in advance what you are going to do. Your H already told you that he sent a text saying that things would be okay, and someone here told you what that meant; it meant "I'll keep lying to my wife". You don't want to believe that he would want to continue an affair with a 50 year-old woman who lives 11 hours away; but that is who he started the affair with, and continued with for some time. He will now warn OW about the impending disclosure, and she will keep an eye on her H's emails and letters, and intercept yours. Also, she will warn her H, just in case you get through, that some mad woman is accusing you of having an affair with her H. She will disarm her H before you get to him. Slow down and LISTEN, please.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Quotes from Dr Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders, about the importance of exposure: Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery. Our policy for years has been to tell all family members on both sides of the family about an affair. Time after time, people who have followed our advice have reported that it helped clear the air, and it also helped restore trust. Right now, anything you can do to help your husband restore his trust in you would be extremely important. Tell your parents right away. Another suggestion I make to a couple struggling to restore their marriage after one of them had an affair is to make the affair public. Everyone should know what happened -- children, relatives, friends, and especially the children and spouse of the lover -- so that the affair is exposed to the light of day. What often makes affairs appealing is that it is done in secret. Most affairs become very unappealing once everyone knows about it. What about exposure of an affair that took place years earlier and is now ended but recently revealed? I feel that the children, close relatives, close friends, and the lover�s spouse should be informed. Granted, it�s embarrassing to admit an affair, but publicly admitting failure is usually the first step toward redemption.
As you already know, I�m a strong advocate of honesty and openness in marriage. I call it transparency�letting your spouse know everything about you, especially your faults. But should that level of openness carry into the public arena? I believe that it should in cases of extreme irresponsibility, and that certainly includes infidelity. When you have done something very hurtful to someone else, others -- especially those who care for you the most -- should know about it. Such exposure helps prevent a recurrence of the offense. Your closest friends and relatives will be keeping an eye on you�holding you accountable.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I have proof remember. The emails say it all. And I have the phone records.
They have nothing on me. I am sure I will accomplish this with much success You have now lost the important element of surprise by giving your battle plan to your enemy. The OW can PREVENT you from getting through to her H since she knows your plan. You might have emails, but now you have to hope that he will even look at them if you have been pre-empted and spun as a "crazy, jealous" woman. The OW can prevent you from getting through to him forever. ARe you reading our posts, ls? Are you calling the OW's house now to talk to her H? Or is your H in the bathroom calling his OW to forewarn her as we speak?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Ditto what ML said - you have to do this NOW. Your WH cannot have time to spin this by saying you're crazy, going through mid-life crisis, whatever. Call OWH NOW.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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So he's going out now. Who knows if he contacted her? chances are ???
I have expressed to him all of my concerns and he is so angry. He says that last night he just wanted to be left alone and I wouldn't leave him alone. That's why he gave me the silent treatment.
He is acting like he doesn't give a f***
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So he's going out now. Who knows if he contacted her? chances are ???
I have expressed to him all of my concerns and he is so angry. He says that last night he just wanted to be left alone and I wouldn't leave him alone. That's why he gave me the silent treatment.
He is acting like he doesn't give a f***
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lost,
The last several posts from us seem to have disappeared into a black hole. You carry on with your own train of thought, as if you haven't even seen ours. Please let us know that there is a point in our continuing. Today is Sunday, and we all have families, and many have church, to spend time with. We are taking time away from them to try and help people in distress on this board. Are you hearing us?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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lost,
Your H's angry and irritated response is, surprisingly, a very normal response from newly-outed WS.
A BS might think that their WS will be shocked, and then humbled, and then contrite, and then begging, when the BS confronts them, but that seems to me (from my own experience, and from long reading here) to be rarely the case.
The WS might for a few moments display fear, but they seem to quickly realise the BS is not leaving or throwing the WS out immediately, and the fear goes away. It seems to be quickly replaced by anger at many things; at being outed as a liar and abuser; as being outed as a bad parent, who neglected their kids to spend time with OP; at being outed as a religious hypocrite, and most of all being angry at what seems to be the end of their fun. They might also be angry that now they are going to have to tell OP - especially if this is a woman - that they were only having fun and are not going to leave the marriage. They seem angry because they are going to have to deal with crap from both the BS AND the OP. They seem angry also because, thanks to the BS, they might also get grief from an angry husband. The names they would like to call you...
It's just crap and grief to the WS, and YOU, the BS, had to spoil their fun and throw a spanner in the works.
Never mind; they might just be able to manage things so that OW is reassured that WH cannot leave his marriage today, but will do soon; so that OWH is convinced that nothing much went on, and is placated, and so that the BW is gaslighted, humiliated and belittled into thinking that she deserved this, it meant nothing anyway and it has ended, all at the same time.
Most of us posting to you have experienced and defeated this. I live in England, and my H conducted a 3-year PA with a woman in Belgium (about 200 miles away) over about 6 D days, with less and less frequent meetings towards the end. I can see clearly what he got from these meetings; the most enormous ego boost, and stupendous sex carried out in conditions of the greatest sleaze. There is no mystery there.
Today, about 3 years after the last D Day, my H cannot do enough for me, but if he'd left instead, then at I would still today be free of his abuse.
Your H's reaction today is a mixture of panic and strategic thinking. Calm down and listen to us.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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