It got moved for reasons unknown to other topics. It very much goes after the guilt that handicaps recovery. I have asked for an explanation.

Larry

Just an update. I had my first counseling session with Steve this morning. I'm confident that if anyone can help us, he's the guy. The ball is now in H's court.

Bea

Bea,

Good news about Steve. I hope you can attend a weekend. It is a very positive experience.

AM

AM,

I would like to go to a weekend, but I don't think we're ready for that yet. I hope to be there soon, but we'll see.

Did your H have any trouble sitting through it? My H has starts twitching and cutting up after 20 minutes in church! (Did I mention that he's adhd?) His favorite pasttime is to try to force the stanzas of the hymns to rhyme.

Bea

Larry,

Back to the conversation about adhd and guilt. While it may be true that some people try to excuse their behavior on the basis of adhd, that has never been the case with H and the kids.

For H, he didn't even realize that adhd affects anything other than actual attention until just last week. He always viewed his anger, poor choices and underachievement as a sign that he was a bad person. The guilt and regret are natural responses for good people who do bad things or make poor choices. Because someone with untreated adhd has so many more episodes of screwing up, they start piling on the guilt.

If H didn't feel guilt and regret, then I'd be worried.

I hear so many people try to explain goofy, forgetful behavior as adhd, but it's more in gest in my experience.

With my kids, I run a tight ship with an eye toward transferring responsibility as they develop and mature. I

I'll continue this in another post because my post box is acting weird.

Bea

To continue, I find that creating a routine and breaking tasks into manageable chunks works best for my kids. I can tell my DD to go clean her room, but most likely she'll pick up something and then get lost petting the cat, staring out the window, reading a book, etc. The more of a mess it is the more trouble she has coming up with a plan for cleaning it.

If I instead say (or make her a list saying)

1. pick up your clothes, dirty stuff in the hamper, clean stuff away,

2. hang up the towels,

3. put your books in a pile on the shelf

she can handle it and voila, the room is clean.

I'm hoping that through repetition and development she'll get to the point where "clean your room" is enough. I long for that day, actually.

Certain behaviors, like doing homework, have been such a part of the routine over the years that it's not a problem at all.

I also find that H and the kids respond far more to postivie reinforcement rather than to punishment. I look for every opportunity I can to praise the kids when they're doing the right thing. They do suffer consequences when they go off track, but it's not often the case these days.

Bea,

H really enjoyed the MB weekend. It was his idea that we go there versus the online course. I think hearing the material firsthand from Dr. Harley reinforced everything we had been reading. And, of course, the biggest benefit is the followup with the coach. The program is very structured and keeps both partners on track. One of the biggest benefits to us is that we review what we did the previous week while planning for the upcoming week.

I am cautiously optimistic. The last couple days have been strange. It was in the news that 7 years ago the Iraq war began. The note of the date triggered my H and I interpreted his behavior as something else until he finally told me what he had been thinking about.

AM

AM,

I'm glad to hear things are looking better. We all want a quick fix, but that's really not possible. For most of us it took years and lots of LBs and unmet needs along the way to get to the point of infidelity. It seems like you and I have additional challenges thrown into the mix.

Are you posting over in recovery?

Bea

Bea:

Ok. I am big on choices. "It is time to clean the room. Take as long as you like. When you get finished, then you can go back to what you were doing. You choose when you get to go back to stuff."

If they bog down, I help by pointing to a specific task, like get all the toys and put them in the tow chest until they finish the toys.

Larry