My wife and I are going to get together for a date on Monday after sort of an up and down couple of weeks, and things have settled down some since I last posted, which I feel I should update, but hopefully later today.

One of the things that I am really wondering now is why is it so hard for a couple to communicate EN's. One of the things that I see pretty constantly in reading some posts is not being aware of failing to satisfy our spouse's EN's until it is almost too late..an affair and almost a complete break in the relationship and the bond. I am one of those who has been as guilty of this as anyone else.

I can only think that as in almost anything, there but for the grace of God go I. One of my wife's top EN's is conversation and it always has been. During my active drinking and before my treatment I was seriously failing to satisfy that particular EN for obvious reasons... I was too into myself and most of the time too concerned about my drinking supply and opportunities to do so.

One of the things that saved me, and us, is that right after treatment I had to do an aftercare, and I did it with a clinical psychologist who specialized in family relationships where one of the spouses had an active addiction. He not only saw me, but my family as well on each visit after the first few. He recommended that we have family meetings once each week....meaning for us the four of us, and also marital meetings at least twice each week. These could last from 15 mins to half an hour, and each person was encouraged to participate. You could share gripes, compliants and concerns, but you also had to say something positive about the person you were filing a complaint with...a compliment of an affirmation...like "Mom I really appreciated you staying and watching the game the other day", or "Sweeti thanks for fixing the screen door"...whatever. They were meant to be objective and and honest sharing without argueing or accrusing. At first these meetings were awkward. The counselor coached all of us however, and it started to become a habit for us and we started looking forward to it.

In terms of my wife and I it felt awkward at first as well, but once we did make an effort we found that we almost looked forward to our special private time. I learned that after we had a few of these that she was not afraid to admit that she had felt insecure, lonely, and distant during my active drinking. We spent some of our 'meetings' with her just encouraging me to just open up more to her and listen to her, even if I was feeling doubtful, or up tight or any other way. She appreciated that I did open up and told her I needed her help and support and she was more willing to give it.

Now, I know that most couples and families have these 'meetings' informally and spontaneously almost every day, and that you don't use a structured framework for them. The structure and the assignment to do these was simply to get us in the habit of real quality conversation w/o blame, defense mechanisms and that sort of thing. Before my drinking got really bad my wife and I used to regularly do this..sometimes just talking and watching a movie and sharing after the kids were asleep. I honestly did enjoy listening to her even if it was to concerns and gripes that she had about her day, or concerns about her medication, or that she wished she could still dance or whatever it was. I got away from that tho, and if it had not been for the intervention and my treatment and aftercare who knows where I would be today.

I guess my wonder from a husband's point of view is that if the furnace goes out, or car needs repair, or if not enough money, or if you are at cross-purposes with your wife in disciplining the kids you hear about it. It is hard to be comfortable with the furnace out and it is 20 degrees outside. On the other hand it seems that both husbands and wives almost fear to tread on the area of emotional needs - especially the more subtle ones like admiration, open affection, conversation, sexual fullfilment, openness. From my standpoint, when I let myself get to lacking in providing these to my wife it was because I was too into myself from drinking or letting myself get too involved with my job. She did complain some, but not nearly as overtly as if the furnace went out, or something else equally as tangible. As I recall then it then seemed for awhile to almost get to a viciuous circle... the less I really heard or or the more I ignored her subtle signs, the more distant she was, and the more distant, the less I was prone to hear her or to realize what I was Not doing or providing.

I am just grateful today that, but for the grace of God, it did not get to the point of her turning off so much that our relationship or capacity to refocus at that time on our marriage was severely damaged. She is a strong-willed person and she could have dropped me at anytime like the proverbial hot potatoe, kids or no kids.

Does anyone have thoughts on this...I am really wondering.

Tom