Okay, I�ve been procrastinating on starting this thread on D board, having been on the SA board for months. Unfortunately I don�t have time to give a good summary (my story is in my siggy though).

Right now I need a little support.

WW just called all crying. She�s been moving stuff out of the bedroom and rest of the house in prep for moving to a condo on Wednesday. She states �I know it�s my own fault� and �I�ve been keeping it all in, trying to be strong.� She was running across all cards and letters and recognizing that we�ve always had the best of intentions for our relationship, but it�s just so sad it�s come to this.

Yesterday we had another one of our calm talks in which we acknowledged that we aren�t the people we want to be married to (she has become too �liberal� and I�ve become more �conservative��whatever). We were also dividing up cookware and everything else. So sad.

Anyway. I hate to see the woman cry. I�m not worried I�m going to take her back or anything (without conditions which she has already stated she�s not interested in meeting). But, I feel bad for her and hate to see her in pain. As dysfunctional as we have been, she was also a big part of my life.

I�ve also done my share of crying over the course of the last many months watching my M deteriorate. I told my IC last week it was like amputating your own arm bit by bit.

I told her something that�s helped me through: �pain is weakness leaving the body,� which she knows (physically) from being a black belt in karate. And this was an opportunity to focus on Mrs. optimism, and make changes that might help her for the future.

Probably not much anyone can say. Maybe a hug of two and to know others have gone through similar crap and come out the other side�?

Thanks in advance.


opt

OK, opt. You asked for it, and man-to-man, here goes:

{{{{{{ opt }}}}}}

I have and had much the same feelings you're experiencing now. And to tell the truth, there are still moments I mourn "what used to be," even though I now know much of it was a fantasy.

I am grateful to people like you and the others on this site who have "held" me and comforted me all along this horrible, painful journey. I hope I can share some of that comfort with you now.

As much as I sometimes hate to hear it, I know it empirically: It WILL get better. We WILL get through this.

When you see your STBX wife crying, just remember that comforting her will only lead to more pain later. In other words, you're are being cruel to be kind.

It does get easier. For me, the day I moved out was difficult, but after a week, I was so relieved. In a couple of months, I suddenly had all this energy to do stuff. My first marriage had sucked all the energy out of me for years. (not rewriting history here, my journals prove it)

Let me say this unequivocally: if you are already on the "this marriage is over" side of the fence then you are going to feel 1000% better once she moves out.

My STBxWW moved out 9 weeks ago and I am one happy dude. It sucks that I don't see my kids as often (every other week) but after living with an affair shoved in my face for 6 months, it is a HUGE relief. Detachment from the beast has allowed me to see how very flawed she was. I did everything the best I could but nothing could fix her except herself and she chose not to. Great! I'm movin' on.

The first few weeks are tough as you battle with the loneliness but you'll get through it. Find stuff that interests you (I took up snowboarding) and then do it without guilt. You owe it to yourself for the he!! you've been through.

You guys are awesome! I always thought of MB as my secret weapon when I was trying to Plan A my ww; it continues to be a weapon of support and encouragement -against hopelessness and depression.

@Fred (I learned the "@Fred" thing from Hamster): thanks, man, definitely a comfort when I needed it the most. The rest of the day was fine.

@Gg: Insightful and so important to me right now. I've spent a lot of years protecting my wife from issues; figured it was my job as a husband. Probably wrong, but wrong or right, that opportunity goes away soon and I believe she'll be better for it in the long run. In fact I think she's in for a world of hurt and I say that with no malice whatsoever. But it won't be any worse than the he!! I've lived through in the last year or so, and here I am, a better man for it.

@id: I've always been pretty good at transitions. I do anticipate a sense of relief and have many projects planned (some already started), things wife always tended to discourage me from doing in one subtle way or another (of course I let her do so, I recognize that now, but...lesson learned). I will have the most difficulty not kissing my kids good night each night - I've prided myself in NEVER missing that (if they were home), since the day they each were born. But I can't complain too much, I have a very good deal and will have them 7 of 14 days (3 one week and 4 the next), and maybe more if WW lives up to my expectation which will be way too fatigued and overwhelmed to maintain the custody schedule. It will start with an extra day here and there, maybe a "trade" but I will not compromise on my part. Time will tell.

She got most of her stuff out of our room. It's pretty empty in there. Sad. Now I see why she was so affected by it.

Thanks again for all your encouragement.

~opt

Well, the movers have come and gone. Her stuff is out, mostly. She'll stay here tonight, not sure why but one more night won't kill me.

It's like I have no feelings whatsoever. My biggest bother is that there's hardly anything on the walls.

This weekend the floor guy comes to redo all the hardwood floors, something I've wanted to do since we moved in here 13 years ago but ww always found a reason not to. The house is in disarray and will stay that way for a month or so while I'm putting things how I want them, painting, etc.

I'm not sure why I'm even writing this.

o

(((optimism)))

Actually, home renovations are fabulous therapy. Definitely paint rooms a different colour and buy new artwork to hang on the walls. As I gradually transformed "our" house into "my" house, I gained a tremndous amount of confidence. When I finally sold, I didn't feel like I was losing cherished memories, but rather that I was reaping the rewards of my labour.

You will get through this and there is much happiness on the other side.

Thanks Tab. That's just what I needed to hear.

I'm starting with the bedroom.
After I posted that above, I ordered a nice bed online that I had been looking at. We always had wife's bedroom set which was beautiful, but I really like this bed; and I got me a down comforter that I always wanted too. I'll be stripping the walls and painting in the next week or so when the floors are done.

I'm thinking of different decorating ideas, but it's all going to take some time.

Thanks again for the encouragement.

Hey, O. I almost got the paint off of me.
After my separation from B (Marriage 1), I repainted almost every room in the house. It took me about 2 years start to finish. It was fabulous. I had wanted to do it before, but couldn't because of the BOOKS!!!* This time, it took over a year before I was ready to change anything. Because of a gift from a parent, I was able to redo the bathrooms. I started with the one where Mike died, the one I was afraid to use most of the time and no one would shower there. I gutted it, and moved stuff around. For the first time in 12 years in this house, I feel as if I have my own bathroom. The ironic part is that Mike would have loved it. It's blue. I also repainted and rearranged the bedroom. Fabulous! I sleep there now soundly. The only thing is I didn't paint the closet because Mike's clothes are still in there.

2 years! Probably by the time I'm done with everything, it will be along those lines. Every room needs painting, and I also plan to get caught up in some yard work this summer - much needed landscaping. The physical work will be good. I also hope to redo the bathroom later in the summer, if budget allows.

O

I found it took two years because I still had a life. I had to work. My kids were young at the time, so I only painted on weekends I didn't have them.

The best benefit of it all was something I didn't recognize at the time. All the painting kept me busy on weekends. I didn't have any time to date. I listened to talk radio as I painted and I didn't even feel lonely.

When I did put my toe in the water, I had a very full schedule and thought of dating as something that would add a bit of zest to a full life.

Hey opt!! I have mixed feeling about seeing your thread here, my friend. Divorce is the ultimate bummer. You were a great help to me on the SAA thread, and I consider myself lucky enough to be in R with FWW because of the support and help I got from people like you. I really wish we could be sharing thoughts on another thread, but I think you're doing the right thing going with Plan D.

You are familiar with my current situation, of course, but Mrs. Linus is wife #2. Many, many, many years ago I also went through a divorce. Luckily, the orig Mrs. Linus and I were only together for 2 years and there were no kids involved, but it still hurt like hell even though the divorce was my idea, and it was fairly amicable (except for deciding who was going to get my beloved truck, silly huh?)

I remember someone asking me how I felt on the day it became final, and I think it took 30 minutes or so to run down the list. I remember feeling everything from joy, relief, anxiety, sadness, excitement, grief, anger, being scared, confused, etc. etc. And that was all in one day!

But you know what? It was the right thing to do. We were incompatible. It took me a few months to get over the emptiness of the house, not seeing her (my) truck in the garage, not seeing her 'stuff' in the kitchen that had helped make the house a home and all that, but once I was over it, I was fine. I remember sitting in the back yard with a buddy having a few beers (ok, maybe more than a few) and he finally got it into my thick head that I need to start living again. He also made me realize that I missed the truck more than the exW. So that night I made a vow to live it up a bit and things turned around.

Sounds like you're way ahead of where I was. Good for you. Keep coming here - there are lots of people supporting you!

Linus, thanks so much. It means a lot to hear from you, seriously.

I talked to an old buddy who I haven't spoken to in a while (redundant) today. Well, he left me a message. He went through a divorce a couple years ago. Three beautiful little girls and his wife was adorable, but I guess they just couldn't click.
Anyway he pointed out to me that SHE is divorcing me, not the other way around. Totally right. I did EVERYTHING in my power to save the marriage, I made changes (which I continue to adhere to and build upon); I endured abuse untold, I tried to understand her position, I tried to nurture her needs. She on the other hand spit on our marriage and remains un-remorseful about it. I can't let my kids grow up thinking it's okay to remain in a relationship like this; it would only perpetuate the insanity.

She got my truck. It was 11 years old.
My Dad said she'll have to make sure at least one of her boyfriends is a mechanic.



~opt

You're right - YOU did what could be done to save the marriage. She has chosen to follow another road, for whatever reason. It may just be a 'grass is greener' deal, and we all know how that usually works out. Let's see how long she lasts with the picture hanger.

It's thoughts like this that separate guys like you and Limbo from the rest. You are thinking of the long term effects on the kids. Not many Dads would think that way under your circumstances. But you also need to think about yourself, my friend. Do what's right for you. You've got many more years on this earth, no sense wasting them with someone who doesn't appreciate you.

Oh man - that's a killer!!!! Only a true scoundrel would come between a man and his truck.

Hey, optimism. Sorry life has been so painful lately. Is this the line where hugs are being given out? [[optimism]] Okay, I am next in line for hugs! I've had a pretty sh--tty few days, and the outlook is for continued fecal precipitation into high speed fans. **sighs**

Hey! We are a bunch of newly liberated men and ladies, perhaps we should start a swap meet, and find partners who appreciate us for the good people we are. After all, we wouldn't be posting on this forum if we didn't believe marriage is worth working at. For grins and giggles, maybe we could start a thread like an e-harmony type thing.

Thanks EllenG, as I've said before I'll take all the hugs I can get.
Seems like our situations are similar in their time-line. We're waiting for a court date also.


This is the second time I've seen this musing on this site by a poster. Of course I've thought the same thing insofar as MB principles encourage a similar mindset/discipline in creating and maintaining a healthy marriage. You read through these threads and so often you see that only one of the two are truly committed to the principles (and does the heavy lifting).

I'm quite a ways from dating, but I will admit I've fantasized about finally being invited back to a young lady's house and seeing a copy of FILSIL on her night-stand!! :-)

~opt

I have been divorced for six months now and the thought of getting into a relationship with someone clueless sends chills up my spine.

Larry

I'm sorry that it had to come to this for you and your wife. It's noble of you to still be concerned over your wife's crying even though you are moving on. I would encourage her to seek support from her family, friend or a counselor to make the divorce process less painful. good luck.

It's great your keeping yourself busy. I'm glad you are doing well.

Thanks, del. I have another thread (not good, I know), where I'm being advised by a very experienced poster to not even make any suggestions - idea being it's time for ww to "experience the full consequences of her actions/adultery." I've been holding her hand, to my, and her detriment. Check out Not2Fun's posts in the thread linked below to get a better understanding - she's spot on. It won't be easy, but my healing does require stepping back fully; I see that now.

Anyway. Thanks for your thoughts.

~opt

PS: do you have a thread, 88?