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Joined: Nov 2009
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Three and a half years ago I found out my wife was having an EA wife a co-worker. Fast forward to January 4, 2010 and I find out the affair was a PA (apparently they had sex 2 times).
The OM moved on back then to a new job and my wife claims no contact with him since the affair in the summer of 2006.
After a lot of coercion, my wife finally told me about her PA, times and places etc. in January 2010. We are attempting to work through the affair and rebuild our marriage.
Now to the point. I have OM's e-mail address and I really want to confront him with the information. My wife has desparately tried to stop me from doing so. She said she could not bear a phone call from other man about this after so much time has passed and that it is her I should be mad at and not him. Well, to me only 2 and a half months has passed not 3+ years and I am mad as hell at both of them.
Anyway, I want to contact him for 2 reasons. The first is to let him know that I know what he and my wife did and how thier actions affected my life. The second is to see if he will provide me with any additional information about the EA/PA that my wife has said she cannot remember.
What do you all think?
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Joined: Oct 2009
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It's been 2 and a half years since contact? Why would you want to open up the possibility for contact to occur again. You may be opening old wounds and possibly open up a line of communication with OM and her to discuss the phone call. In my book you communicating with Om will be like she is communicating with him.
Don't stir up the past with OM, it will not serve any purpose other than set you and you wife back further. He's a scumbag who doesn't deserve the respect of being contacted by you. That would show a sign of weakness to your wife.
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Joined: Jul 2008
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HF,
I would contact the OM now, when my wife had her "EA" 20 years ago I just let it pass. I now wished I looked him up and asked what happened, facts continue to dribble out, and I kick myself for not playing one side against the other back then. The doubts never end otherwise.
Gamma
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Why is it important for him to "know" how it impacted you and your life? He doesn't give a damn. I assure you.
As far as getting more times & dates for EA / PA with him & your wife - again, what's the point?
Ask yourself how this fits in with your marriage recovery. It doesn't.
Any action which doesn't fit in with Recovery is useless.
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Joined: Oct 2000
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I think you should listen to what your wife wants.
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We are attempting to work through the affair and rebuild our marriage.
If your goal is to improve your marriage ... get a new plan.
Husker, "plan confront OM" is NOT a plan that will strengthen your marriage.
Well, to me only 2 and a half months has passed not 3+ years and I am mad as hell at both of them.
OM has not been lying to you for 3+ years.
You wife has.
The second is to see if he will provide me with any additional information about the EA/PA that my wife has said she cannot remember.
1. OM has no motivation to tell you anything.
2. OM may have a memory equally as bad as your wife's.
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PB,
The fallacy in your thinking is twofold.
1. OM has no motivation to tell you anything.
2. OM may have a memory equally as bad as your wife's.
Unless OM has not been exposed in which case he has leverage.
In any event more data is better data, he can also claim OM told him more than he did.
Gamma
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Ok.
I'll rollover on this one , and wait to see what happens next.
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Joined: Mar 2010
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Just let it go. I t was a huge step for your wife to confess what had happened. do you really want to know the details? It'll just put more of those nasty visuals in your head that hurt so much. Your wife chose to be with you, not him. Now it's time for you to give your wife what she needs. And that's probably a loving husband that has healed from her mistakes and has forgiven her. Bringing it all up again just reopens the wounds. Perhaps you yourself should seek some counseling to help you deal with your unresolved pain. Let it be a scar in the back of your mind and not a scab that keeps oozing. It's done and over. Grow with your wife, show her trust, and fulfill her wants. Be the couple you were when you first married.
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I want to go on record for NOT telling you to
"let it go".
I just think contacting OM after this long a time is not going to be helpful.
I am willing to be proved wrong.
But, that is my opinion at this time.
Having said that, to YOU, this wound is fresh. You just found out your wife has lied to your face for THREE YEARS.
That, is a big deal.
How is your wife treating you today?
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Husker, I am so very sorry. The scab has been ripped off the wound and acid poured in. You are back to Day 1 of recovery because she has LIED to you for 3 years. I hardly know what to say. Stupid, stupid, idiot waywards. When will they ever learn?
I agree with the others that you are not going to get any satisfaction out of contacting the OM. He is a scumbag who does not care about your feelings. However, if he is married, I would certainly make sure his wife knows what he did.
Instead of trying to get information out of a low life, why not ask your wife to take a polygraph. If my spouse had lied to me for YEARS, he would have to agree to get strapped up to a polygraph or he would hit the road, jack. That is damn cruel and manipulative to lie to someone for years after they have agreed to give you another chance. I would have to see some pretty dramatic changes in order to be willing to stay in such a deceitful atmosphere.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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If she tries to say she lied and tricked you for all these years because she "didn't want to hurt you," please don't go crazy. Just hold your hand up in the STOP! motion. That is what I did to my H when he went too far with fogbabble. This motion helped me not go for my pistol.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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What do the veterans here think about exposing the OM's wife?
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What do the veterans here think about exposing the OM's wife? If there is an OMW, it needs to be done.
ManInMotion
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(see "MiM's Story" for more details)
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Thank you for all of those who took the time to respond. My heart tells me to contact this guy, but head head tells me not to contact him.
In the end, I think I will not contact him only because I think it would be more harmful to my marriage recovery than helpful.
I am grabbing st straws because I feel like my wife is being less than upfront with how many times they had sex and when and where etc. My wife is having difficulty in remembering, and on some level I can believe that. However, I think I would remember everytime I had sex with my affair partner if it was less than 10 times.
It is not so much the number of times they had sex, it is the fact that she cannot be honest about it now. Everything my wife has told me is based on dates and times I can substantiate with evidence. However, she has never told me one single thing that I did not already know via personal investigation.
I refuse to believe I am so good at investigation that I found everytime they were together, especially given the fact that they sat next to each other at work during that time.
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So I get to this thread and start reading and know EXACTLY what I want to suggest....then I read a little further and MEL nailed it again. (I can't tell you how many times that has happened to me!)
Husker, you have every right to feel as you do -- but the source of information is not OM. It should be your wife. And you are very correct to trust your gut. It is likely that she is only admitting what she thinks you can handle (how disrespectful!).
The truth is probably far greater than what you've been told.
I think you are totally in the right to tell her that you need a polygraph for your peace of mind. Schedule it. Tell her when it is. And then get prepared for trickle truth up until the date of the poly.
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Husker, you have every right to feel as you do -- but the source of information is not OM. It should be your wife. And you are very correct to trust your gut. It is likely that she is only admitting what she thinks you can handle (how disrespectful!).
The truth is probably far greater than what you've been told.
I think you are totally in the right to tell her that you need a polygraph for your peace of mind. Schedule it. Tell her when it is. And then get prepared for trickle truth up until the date of the poly.
Excellent post!
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Huskerfan- I understand what you feel like. It SUCKS. You aren't crazy for wanting to know all of the things that happened. You may never know every detail but there probably is still some things that your WW is keeping from you. How do you react when she tells you things? Do you get mad at her? I am not blaming you if you do. I am just trying to get you to look at the things you can control right now.
I also agree that you should try to get your WW to a lie detector. I am sure there will be some trickle truth right up to that moment. You are doing fine.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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Joseph's Letter.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"To Whomever,
"I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night, and everything that happened afterwards. I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly. No one wants to be forced to "look" at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he/she doesn't mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn't he/she know by now that I love him/her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I'm going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes.
"You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge. You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least you're carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. You carry all the "STUFF" to figure out OUR reality. There isn't really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you don't have.
"Now let's enter my reality. Let's both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is will affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the night that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendoes of that night and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down. To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives well ever "feel" complete. You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are. When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, what's the difference, it's not important. Then later when I'm expected to "understand" the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion. You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it. You wonder why I can't just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it.
"So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Don't you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart. I can only observe you actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier.
"So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together. It doesn't come from jealousy, it doesn't come from spitefulness, and it doesn't come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldn't it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldn't it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I can't and the reason I can't is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world."
(end of Joseph's Letter)
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You can't imagine you will get any truth out of OM. Contacting OMW should have been done a long time ago and would maybe(follow the vets advice here) be appropriate now?
Other than getting the polygraph, I don't see much more "truth" coming your way.
BTW, I am a FWW so I will understand if you choose not to believe me. But I will weigh in on one minor issue . . . . you are right that she might not be able to remember the exact days and times of PA. My A happened just last year and I can't name exact dates and times. Why? Because it was that pathetic (sub par). However, she WILL be able to tell you exactly what acts were done between the two of them and the general format about how they communciated and how they achieved their hook ups. Press her for as much of this info as you can and the info that does come out will hopefully give you a clearer picture. If she is serious about R, she will give you the info.
FWW me - 35, BH - 50, 5 kids total (blended fam)
Dday - 1/29/2010, Exposure & NC same day
Recovering slowly
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