Well I have young adult children,DD25 with a daughter,DSs 22 and 18 who have witnessed thier Mom go from someone who everyone respected and admired to an addict that just passed away in our home last May. The really obvious stuff started to show itself when DS 19 was 8 years old. Prior to that starting when my daughter was 4 years old we had reconciled and my wife had controlled her drinking since daughter was two because I had left her and she had to come to terms because I would not be her enabler or emotional punching bag.

My children did not ever see the complete state of mind my wife was in possesion of during the relationship with me when they were young and that was the only way i would have wanted it. I don't want to somehow imply that my wife did not love the children. She was obsessed with thier saftey and growth and during the ten years she took care of them until they were of the age when they questioned her authority, as all children will do, she never went a moment without caring for them. If it wasn't healthy snacks it was lessons of accoutability and respect for others with constant reaffirmation that she would never leave them and niether would I. We lived a positive life deeply Christian based and she lavished attention on them as we both were determined to teach them that God was as real as you let him be and true love served each other. This was done reguardless of whatever relationship problems we had between each other as any adult would not bring thier children into thier problems. I took the blame and responsibility as anyone should who was the authority figure and the children were happy to be loved and to have parents who worked so hard to give them everything they wanted even if we couldn't afford to.

Most of our financial problems of course have to do with the adults and how they handled the money and thats the subject of another thread really between wife and me so lets just keep this about the kids. They all work and pay thier own way and would not live otherwise because they are responsible young ppl now. They all started working at 16 and continue to be responsible respectful adults.

I have to deal with how much I feel I let them down because Mom fell into drug abuse again and eventually died because she would not take care of herself. As a husband the one thing that made me believe I was taking care of my family right was when my wife was happy and healthy and taking care of herself. Anyone who knows about "transferance" knows that after time the problems that someone close to you has can become internalized by you. I wore down over time and as she slipped into whatever negative bitter world that caused her unhappiness before she relapsed into drugs I became more depressed also and eventually she started drinking after we moved to her home town for a time because her foster Mom was dieing of cancer. Then without the support of her church or pastor she just continued to slip away into bitterness and depression. After returning home she got involved with a girl she used to counsel about her crack abuse issue and she ened up on heroin, which she hid from me because of the small doses she was taking for two years. Eventually the drug took over and she got even more sick untill she told me what she was doing. Two weeks later she told me she was leaving me for some other guy. My children saw her losing her mind and it was very painful for them and all I could do was tell them she was sick and making bad decisions untill after she was gone for a couple months and I had fallen completly apart and I told them what was going on. That Mom had become a herion addict and they should understand why she was acting that way. They needed the truth because they knew it wasn't the Mom that raised them. The 13 year old, now 19, wasn't told about the heroin because he was allready in a really bad place but now he has put two and two together and its understood that Mom made a mess of herself. He helped me care for her as she died of cancer at home last year and the previous years when she came home he learned to deal with her sickness of mind with as much compassion as anyone could have at his age.

I consider myself blessed that my children have pulled through as well as they did. I give my wife credit for the time she was well and loved them so deeply and myself for keeping it real by reassuring them that there was a time when she was much healthier and that it was her decision to run away from help when it was offered to her. I encouraged her since I found out she a drinking problem to see a shrink and explore what her fears were three weeks after I met her and she said she drank when she felt nervous. I waited for her to go and get practical counsel all of our life together and I didn't tell the children that by-the-way untill after it was out that she drank. I also lived with the knowledge that when someone put something behind them that you didn't bring it up. It was past. Something she revealed by getting drunk in front of them. The Children know how stubborn she was and how headstrong she could be so they blame a lot on that. By the time she was drinking full tilt again and I would protest she was making charges of abuse and getting restraining orders on me and they see thru that now also. They went thru hell the last ten years and lost the Mom that loved them so well as children.

Now here I am, broken down and lost someone whom I thought would be there with me for the rest of our lives. I am dealing with my own issues and guilt and trying to separate the truth from the lies that still live within me. My children need to see me healthy and recovering and I cannot use the excuse of how all of my hope eventually was washed away when we lost thier mom. I cannot use her mistakes to be an excuse for why I am so depressed and even if she was at fault for not being honest with herself or me thereby causeing the train wreck, what I do now is more important to them. The past is gone and I need to live by example not talk.

Yet I don't want to sweep anything under the rug and I want them to be aware of feeling sorry for themselves or becoming bitter about life not being fair. As they grow and insecurity comes upon them as it does us all, I need to be a word in season while ACTING like I am doing allright instead of wishful thinking about the future or procrastinating about making the right descisions. I need to show them that life is good and represent a positive attitude so they don't become hypnotized by the question of what happened to Mom and believe that life turns out to dissapoint you.

While I recover from whatever Bullcrap that has taken me over and convinced me that I am not worthy of being happy and productive and positive with all of the heartache and loss that has hit me in my life, I still have a desire to guide our children. Yes our children because I know my wifes heart outside of her own personal problems that she fought with. She has paid the price and needs to rest in peace now. Its the ghosts of inner pain my children carry with them that bother me. How much do I talk to them about? How do I help them avoid going down the same road as I have? I am their father and they know that as I have allways told them, I have a greater authority to answer to while I take care of them as best as I can, and someday they will need to call upon that truth to guide them as they will see I do not know everything. I just want them to be free to be human and treat themselves right as they leave the lies behind that Mom lived in. That unanswered question of why? I reassure my children that I was aware of how much Mom loved them and know the differance between what she was right about and what she was wrong about. I knew what was good and I knew what was bad and I give credit where its due. I fervently insist I will not spoil the dreams we had to take care of them and love them or who she was when she was healthy and in her right mind. Those things that were good will be carried out in her memory and are eternal anyways.

In my process of getting well myself I just struggle with what to reveal because they look to me to rebound and therefore have hope.