Thanks Larry,

I grew up with a hard-nose Dad that had problems with paranoia and only worried about how other saw him and if I had followed his footsteps I shudder to think how bitter I would have become. What was the most painful was that I eventually saw right through it and realized I could never make him happy. It still was something I wanted to save him from though. I could see past his tough exterior he tried to live in and see the lonliness he felt because he really was a sensitive man. When I had my own children and life caused me to think about them I could not help him any more than to teach his grandchildren well and give them the type of support that balances thehard cold facts about money against the real reasons to live..Our relationships...
I have my Mom and her strength along with the examples of my fathers father that taught me that. Gramps was a mans man and a mecanic his whole life but was kind and undersatnding without being a pushover. He was balanced where my dad wasn't.

I guess I just know the differance and truly I do not take any credit. It was the love of others that I accepted that allow me to care. It was given to me. I could never create it. None of us can. None of us would given a choice and from a position of fear and power. We would just judge and critsize and hide in our perfection lol. That gives new meaning to "Lean not unto your own understanding" to me anyways itsbeen a lifesaver.

This site has helped me process my feelings of guilt and undersatnad what I put myself thru during my marriage and at different times in my life. I learned here that I am not strong enough to endure years of betrayal and deceit without its taking its toll on me. I wanted to be that strong but that was a fantasy and expectation I put on myself. I allowed someone to control how I felt about myself and they took atvantage of it because they felt entitled. God never told me to do that but I allowed it anyway while I slowly burnt out physically and mentally. I got waht I asked for when I allowed myself to be a victem. Who was I to try to survive and florish against those odds? MB puts a timeframe on Plan A and its not "marriage at all costs" for a good reason.

I am reminded of the niel simon song ..

"He wore his passion for his woman like a thorny crown..
He said..
Deloress... I live in fear,
My love for you so overpowering Im afraid I might..dissapear"

So I am here learning also so I can heal and balance and help our children live better lives and the good things my wife and I wanted for them when we were a team will come true. But mostly I am here for myself because I need to feel useful. I hope that what I post here helps avoid unessesary pain for others as I process my own.

Well, it isn't manly for a guy to give another guy a hug. And I certainly am "Such A Guy," as most women will tell you about me. In this case, I will not make an exception.

But, I understand. I really do.

Larry

Well, SSO, you always give me SO much to chew on, and think about. I think I am going to be reading that long post for a couple of days!

The car thing was discouraged by my mother when I was a child. But I remember the first fast car I ever saw a pontiac trans am and it was black painted with a bird on the hood...I know now it was because of " Smokey and the Bandit" but anyway I was about 5 or so and I thought it was the best thing I ever saw and I have loved them ever since.

When I was a little older I remember wanting to know everything there was to know about what made a car work, well my dad was no mechanic, it took him HOURS to replace a battery or change a tire. I remember at around 10 or so looking at an engine and being baffled by how this thing worked. My mother discouraged such things. She couldn't understand why a girl wanted to know such things.

I remember getting an interest in baseball and I was watching a game on tv and my mom came in and said "You don't like baseball" and I never said another word about it to her...nevertheless I had a baseball, mit,and bat and she had the nerve to tell me I didn't like it. I felt she was trying to make me into something I wasn't. No wonder I have had this identity crisis almost my entire life. I used to sit around and think "who am I and why am I here". I still think that when I'm not busy. I think that's another reason why I felt so upset about turning 30 this year.

But, yes I love muscle cars. I get this thrill when I get to ride in Hubby's 76 Chevelle...I get a thrill when I hear that lope of a cam. When I was at this car show, I was taking pictures like crazy...I had three absolute favorites, a trans am, a corvette and this car someone customized it looked like a "gangster car" only streamlined.

I have always thought in the back of my mind Hubby settled for me somehow...although I'm not sure why. He was always attracting women back when I met him (he's gone prematurely, um silver and his beard has gone almost white and he likes to blame me for it even though it's hereditary in his family) In Hubby's family, you either go bald at an early age or you go white early. when I met him he was 29 and almost white and a small strip in his beard(which was a goatee at the time).

That's another little vent I have, he could care less what I like. I like the mustache and goatee that was something that attracted me to him in the first place. I hate the full beard and he refuses to shave it. I could barely act sexual to him during December cuz he had this Santa Clause look going on. He thought I was being mean, but I was serious. It felt REALLY weird to suddenly have Santa run through my mind while "pleasing" Hubby. If he would just get rid of the sides and go back to that sexy goatee I like so much. I keep my hair long for him...shoot, I'd shave it for him whenever he needed it. I wouldn't mind.


Oh, let's not talk about math...math makes me want to vomit, literally. It makes my head swim, I get sick to my stomach, almost like reading in a car type sick. Just thinking about it makes me sick. I don't know why exactly, I think it goes back to my horrible 2nd grade teacher who used to call me names like hardhead. But, in reality I was a good student who wanted nothing but to make my teacher bust with pride because I was so super smart. I never learned the times table, I never caught onto division and only recently do I understand fractions. I was forced to understand fractions because my job involved weighing things. I sort of had it when I was a young teen from looking at a pizza that had been cut, but not like I do after having worked those particular jobs.

What do I like personally without Hubby, I like muscle cars, I like baseball and I like to write stories and poems. I absolutely love music. I can live without tv, but I think I would shrivel up and die without music. I love to sing and I think I am ok at it, I need a few lessons. My dream is to be the proud owner of a cherry red 69 or 70 corvette stingray, to sing in front of an audience and have a loud applause, to write a best selling novel, and to help other people in some way that doesn't have to deal directly with them. Now, what does that say about me and who I am....there's that identity crisis raising it's ugly head again....

I have more on your post later once I chew on it some more....I still can't figure out why I thought it was ok to cheat though. I'm still trying to peel back layers of my life to get to my core...

I wanted to say something about this. It feels weird to like cars without Hubby. I'm not sure if I made sense or not. I want to say it goes back to my mother. She has also told me I am like a chameleon and will blend into my environment so not to upset the other person. She has said "I do not like cars" Well, if i don't like cars then how come I have loved trans ams since I was 5?? How come my head whips around whenever I see a 69-71 corvette stingray? (Ah, those cars are so gorgeous). See, because my mother kept telling me what I don't likefrom such a young I have a hard time figuring thing out. I find my self analyzing myself over this car thing "Do I really like cars, or do I only like cars because hubby is into them" I go through this a lot and I am tired of it. You know I had fun taking parts off of the truck the other night apart from the fun I shared with hubby. I enjoyed busting the lug nuts loose on the tires (even though it was a pain to bust them loose I have never felt anything so doggone TIGHT in my life!). I enjoyed it, I would have enjoyed it if I had been alone.

OK that's all for now.

Awesome W02 so thats good news you allready liked cars and you are having fun so it seems there is a place you two can spend time together.

The math thing was about motivation and positive outlook more than anything. heck its been 25 years and i forgot all that stuff and i didn't use it much since then.

You have a lot to look forward to and it sounds like fun going to the swap meet.

My dream muscle car would be a Dark purple 70 GTX with a 440 colored Purple faded down to black at the bottom. See if you can pick me up one at the swap meet for around $1 and 50 cents and ill pay you back...I'm good for it..

Would your dream vette have the 427? My buddy had one. I would be like Jay Leno if i collected cars. There are just so many of them I like. lol.

Hey larry, over here.... .

On my fathers side of the family those big burly boys and there dad,(grampa to me), never got away with not giving Gram a kiss and we all hugged each other. My 19 yr old Son hugs and kisses me on top of the head daailey,(he is 6'4"}and my other two are free with affection also. They refer to me as a "bull" and think I am tough as nails but I allways told them the toughest men were those who knew they were flesh and blood and weak. Someone on this site said.."Big boys don't cry but Men do"..and I never told them to push down ther emotions but to understand them and to fear the right things not to try to be fearless. I hug my guy freinds when its appropiate and females too. I also say "luv ya" or "give everyone my love" at the ends of phone convos just so they know.

When ppl said to me in my past.."How do you do that? You worked on that for 36 hrs straight with no sleep. Nobody else could figure out how to fix it and you did. You must be so smart. " I would explain it was because I knew I wasn't smart that gave me the confidance that I shouldn't give up and if one man could build it I could eventually fix it if I sought enough help. (Horse -sense?). As far as the 36 hrs I needed to get paid to eat and I wasn't gonna let it beat me..lol. I like to think that those qualities are ones that men ussuauly reflect when we utilize our tendencies to look at one piece of the puzzle at a time and become so focused that the rest of the world becomes background noise. Thank God that the women in our lives can snap us out of it huh? Im sure you agree based on what you have allready said about how men think.

Ok SSO

I teach my boys it is ok to hug.


Men generally have the vocabulary to express mad, glad and sad according to conventional wisdom. I add, horny and confused.

Larry

Well, interestingly enough, Hubby hugs and kisses our 2 yr old son several times a day as well do I. I am hoping that is teaching him a valuable life lesson. Even though Hubby isn't very affectionate towards me I am hoping Sonny(not his real name) grows into a man who isn't afraid of affection and shows love to his future wife. I just hope that Hubby gets over some of the way he treats me or Sonny may be doomed to go down that path.

Ask your husband to shave the way you like it, or better yet shave him yourself. Give him a coupon to a mens salon.

He knows I don't like the beard and I have asked him a few times to shave it and he refuses. It's just a losing battle. He says he likes it and that's that. Hell could freeze over and he still wouldn't shave. I would shave him myself if he'd allow it.

In the last 7 months since my wifes passing I have went a whole week without shaving at times. My sons say "Dad, why don't we all grow a beard? You look great in one. Well... I decided to call my laziness/depression part of not shaving "growing a beard" and gave it a shot. I used to shave twice a day and did not like beards on me, the jury is still out on that one.

It kinda makes me feel like Jack Nicolson from "The Departed" and someone said I looked like "Robert Deniero". Those are not the kinds of images I want to project. LOL. My boys as much as I taught them that everybody is flesh and blood and nobody is tough still have some kind belief that I am a tough guy. Well they are young still and since wifes passing they need to feel safe that I will be around. Its funny how they fuss over my health but still hold onto me being tough.

It takes me a whole month to grow a stash lol.




Maybe you could mix Nair into the water suppy for the shower 02?

Sorry, didn't see a one 70 gtx...did see a 68 rally sport camaro.

Hubby did realize that it was better to leave the kids with a sitter. Not sure if was the right reasons though. But, at least I found it to be a learning experiance about car part and Hubby says I have new new expensive habit...I have started to collect 69 vettes (die cast models). I found a 1:18 scale 69 vette that I drooled over. I told him now he can say he bought me a brand new 69 vette lol. And at 20 bucks a pop...that can get expensive, he told me I needed to find a way to support my habit, I asked him how and he got a big grin on his face and told me to find more steel to haul!
I think bonded over car parts today !!

Is the rally better than the SS? I like the Super sports or was it 69 that camaros were made SS?. Ah well. Can't have everything I guess...

Im glad you are opening new ways to communicate with your H.

Is he opposed to reading the Harleys MB books?

I don't know about the differences between rallys and SS...

Hubby is opposed to reading anything that isn't a car part catalog. He claims he can't read, while I think he has a mild form of dyslexia. He can read when he HAS to. But, as for reading a book, no, I don't think he has cracked a book since '92.

I think SS,(super sport), was mostly just fast. Rally i am guessing because if I knew before I forgot, had stripes and was a racing, (not drag, but street racing), machine.

Audio books. Used book store to save money. WEB Griffin for a start if he likes military stuff.

Larry

OK, the difference between a rally and a SS is the SS was the deluxe model and the rally was the lesser model. Hubby said it was little things that made the SS "better".

I have been going through depressed moods and happy moods and I feel like it driving me crazy...going to call the councellor Mon and see if there isn't someone I can see on the order of a is it psycologist? or something like this....I don't know how much longer I can take this...I feel like I am going crazy!

See a Phychiatrist, who is a medical doctor. Most therapists know one they can refer you to. Phycologists many times become therapists. Phychiatrists have to go to medical school and are more qualified to deal with real mental/chemical illnesses and are the only ones who can prescribe medication.

About the SS thing, thats what what I thought.

Hang loose till you see the doctors they can help

How ya doin W02?

I also wanted to mention. Sometimes when we are going thru real tough times and life is out of balance our brain chemistry follows. During those times medication has helped many ppl get thru.

Its a question of how much of my problems are because of a chemistry issue?..and how much of my chemistry issue is because of my problems?.

IN the long run whatever it takes to live normal, productive and happy lives is what you need and it takes time and outside help.

I do think my brain is a little out of whack.

Since being outside helping hubby work on the car I have been feeling somewhat better!

We have started to uncover some important things with the mc, like why hubby can't verbally say "I love you" to me.

On a much happier note, I have been meeting a major EN of hubby's by helping him with the car. I'm not sure if I mentioned it but one of his is quality time. Not only that, but I am seeing how the concept of spending time together is working wonders. He even paid me a compliment on my appearance! I think it's hard for him to do that since he thinks words mean nothing and actions are everything.
He told me his love tank was overflowing. If I feel this in love with him by just two of my ENs are being met, I can't imagine how I would feel with all of them. I am having trouble though figuring out the rest of my hubby's are...I know 3, it's the other 2 that leave me scratching my head. But, I think we are doing great so far. I know there is still work to do, but I think the progress so far is great! I am so excited!