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Write it down on your "Why should I run far away from him"'s list.

Yes, they will try to engage you and make you the bad guy. Again don't reply and don't provide contact. Stay strong.

-rh-

Last edited by redhat; 04/03/10 02:41 PM. Reason: sp

Give your absolute best such that you could look back 10 years from now w/ no regret.

Happily Married to Lady Elina - 04/29/06
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Ladies,

I know you feel depressed and your self esteem has taken a huge hit. But, I for one, would be ecstatic to be married to someone with your commitment, forgiveness and desire to make your marriage the best it could be. If your WHs cant figure that out, then they are just selfish and will likely never be satisfied in life.

It's a shame they can't find contentment in what they have rather than looking for the greener grass (which is usually over the septic tank).

I know that it is difficult not to let the poor decisions of an immoral, irresponsible person affect your life, but that's where we all are. At the very least, we will all grow and be better through this. Hopefully, your WHs will too.

Good luck to you, and I hope the best for you all.


Me BH 40
Her XWW 34
Married 12 years

Feb 09 - PA #1 (w/married alcoholic)
Apr 09 - Started recovery, thought things were going well until...
Jan 10 - PA #2 (w/different guy on Facebook)
Dec 10 - Divorced
Now - very happy; no regrets
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Hi all,
I have been away visiting my son in the US. It went well but we both missed my H, it was evident that our family as we knew it was shattered. However, we managed to have a good time together and it was obvious to my son how much I love and care about him.
I think it is important for him to know that.

Today I had a stressful time at lunch. My H was sitting at a distant table and a collegue come up to me and loudly said, let's go and sit with your H. I am not sure he heard or not, but I said to her: no, I am fine here thank you. She ended up sitting with me. She then asked me if I wanted to be alone and I said to her: no, the reason why I am not sitting with my H is because he cheated on me with the downstairs neighbor and we have been separated now for 6 months. She then asked a bunch of questions and at some point I said it did not help me to rehash the past and what happened.
I regret telling this person (who I do not consider a friend and who I know has slept around with married men) my private info.
I am not sure I did the right thing. I sounded angry and upset when I was telling her about my H and me....
When does exposure stop? Do you all have any advice on how to handle a situation like that in the future or even on how to handle people who ask about me and H? Should they know the truth?
Is it enough to say: we are separated and if they keep asking questions as to why simply say: sorry is personal?
Please help... I do not want to come across at work as an angry b*tch who hangs out her dirty laundry....
blessing


atena
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I think you handled it as best as you could have. I come across a similar problem when there are people I haven't seen in awhile and they ask me how my WH is. I usually do it with a smile. I respond with, "I don't know, maybe you could call him at his mistress's house and ask him." When it is said with a smile, people tend to not want to talk to you about it too much. I had a girl ask me how I was losing so much weight so fast because she wanted to do it too. I said, "Well, first fall in love with someone, get married, have a family with him and then he can start sleeping with someone else and leave you for her." The whole time I was smiling. She just shook her head and said "Nevermind."

If this woman is as you say, are you sure she didn't already know? It sounds a bit fishy to me. Or do people not know at your workplace?


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Scotty, I think you are right, this woman knows all the people who know about me and H at school. Yes, she must have known all along and played dummy. She was also very interested in knowing if my H was still seeing OW...probably because if he was not she could have a chance with him....
She is know to pursue married men.

I like your suggestion about using humor!!!! Thank you so much, I will use it at the next opportunity.
Blessing


atena
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I am reading many spiritual writings and the theme of forgiveness always comes up.
They tell you to forgive but they also remind you that you need to distance yourself from people who hurt you.
How can I forgive my H and move on?
It is a very heavy burden to hate him and to pretend he is not important in my life.
What you do to others you end up receiving for yourself.
Is all this heaviness I experience due to the fact that I have so much hatred towards him and that I feel, deep inside, that it is not right to hold a grudge. The situation is as hard on me as it is on him. Maybe harder on me that on him.....why am I hurting so much?
blessing


atena
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Well, I thought the day was over...but no...H sent me all the paperwork I have to fill out (thu the IM) for our son financial aid at the last minute. This stuff needs to be ready and done by tomorrow. I started crying at work...first time it happened...and my H collegue happened to walks in...(my H hates this man)

He said he knew things were not right between us and he wanted me to know that my H has been acting horribly towards him for the past year. He has been passive aggressive and outward mean towards this guy and talking badly about him. Since the 2 of them have to colaborate on many issues this guy told me that H has refused to help and ignored him or procrastinated things to the point of doing them badly or half baked.
this guy added that my is not the same person and has became totally unreliable and untrustworthy.
Of course when I told him about my H's A and all the sh�t he put us thru this guy was agast.
He said I am better off without him.
How can an A drive a man to this point
--where he does not care about his own son
--whre is anger and guilt make him mean and vindictive...
Does the A make H feel so empowered and loved and secure that he feels entitled to vent his frustration and anger into everyone because the only thing he needs and has is the love of OW and that will conquer all evil????? Is this even possible???
What can this OW do to him to make him feel so entitled and full of himself and not make him give a darn about anything or anybody????
I am spent, it has been so long now that I have been going thru this...years of misery with him and I am still not feeling any better....I wish there was an explanatin to his behaviour at least that would help a little.
I have a hard time believing that an A can transform a person to thi extent! and OW is not much to brag about!
blessing


atena
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((((ATENA))))

I am so sorry you are having a continued bad day. The next time someone starts talking to you about WH in ANY capacity, put up your hand in a STOP gesture and say, "We are not currently together and I would LOVE to hear NOTHING about him." Ask them if there is something else they need and then continue from there on out.

Even hearing these kinds of things is going to throw you into a FUNK.

As far as how an A can change a person, it sure does. That's because to be in the affair, the WS USUALLY has to change things about their basic moral code to even continue with their actions. They have to change themselves. They don't believe what they once did. And you know what? They don't like themselves much either(but they would never admit it while ACTIVE). Their anger and resentment is because they can't see the good in the world anymore. They are in the dingy dank sewer. The world is horrible. How could they be anything but cranky and mean? Only thing is, they are so foggy that they can't actually see the good. They have to think that OP is great. How could they throw away who they are and what they held so dearly for anyone who is less than great?

(((((ATENA)))))

Now, what are you gonna do for YOURSELF today(after you fill out the paperwork)?


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Ditto to what Scotland said. I would also offer that the affects of the A is so much like a drug/alcohol addiction. There is the denial and the willingness to sacrifice so much and risk losing everything, for whatever 'rush' they get from the A. It is sad and sickening at the same time.


-SOL
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But if the A never ends or lasts a long time, and we know that that happens often, does that mean that WH will keep getting meaner and meaner? I mean, there are lots of people who are in a relationship born out of an A and they do not seem any meaner or nicer than the average person. Or maybe you can actually spot a person that has betrayed a M by noticing his/ her sense of entitlement and deep anger???
blessing


atena
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I think the risk is now become a certainty....my H lost everything. me, the trust of his son and of his collegues at work...his parents and his siblings for the most part.
The point is, he does not care. Also, what if OW is really the right person for him. What if she is able to make him feel so great and appreciated that he can't help it but want to leave everything for her? What if they truly fell in love and that love is real?
blessing


atena
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Not always. Some people have a sense of entitlement and they aren't wayward. My sister is a person like that. Also, it isn't necessarily that WS are meaner than ALL people, but they are meaner than their non A counterpart. The person they were before the A. My WH wasn't always the way he is now. It was only last summer that I wrote in my journal and in letters to WH that I didn't understand his anger and disdain towards me. It was like he HATED me and I couldn't understand what I could have possibly done. Well, now I know. It wasn't me afterall. That is what sucks. He is not the person I know him to be. He may never be that person again. I have hope that DH is in there somewhere.

Even my kids noticed the difference. They would tell me how horrible WH had been to them. People who have known WS's BEFORE they started the A would notice the differences whereas, people who just meet them, wouldn't notice the difference. KWIM?


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Originally Posted by atena
I think the risk is now become a certainty....my H lost everything. me, the trust of his son and of his collegues at work...his parents and his siblings for the most part.
The point is, he does not care. Also, what if OW is really the right person for him. What if she is able to make him feel so great and appreciated that he can't help it but want to leave everything for her? What if they truly fell in love and that love is real?
blessing

I had these thoughts too. "What ifs" will do you no good.

If OW really was the be all end all, then why didn't they do it the right way? You see to have an A, both parties have to LIE. Both parties have to change their morals(unless the OP already has such low moral code to begin with). Most "Normal" people wouldn't "date" a married person. Believe me, even IF this A lasts, it won't be a party of roses and rainbows.

Chin up Atena, you are doing fine. So how have you been coming along on your attempts to not get glimpses at WH?


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Today I did pretty badly because of all the triggers, but I did not try to see H ....I did see his back however while going to lunch and that' s when I proceded to sit at a far away table from his.
I was away for 10 days but I was with so and son is a trigger...unfortunately. I hate to say that, but when I am with son I think and miss H constantly.
I try to do my best to avoid hearing about or even seeing H. Some days go by without triggers but I think triggers must be part of all plan Bs...who is that BS who is in plan b and has no triggers? Maybe if you have no kids that is very possible...but if you have kids and other interests in common, you will have a bunch of triggers to deal with!

I am just waiting for the love to be gone...then a trigger will not be an issue.
but I still love him and would still take him back...now, if he called me!
blessing


atena
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Quote
I am just waiting for the love to be gone...then a trigger will not be an issue.
but I still love him and would still take him back...now, if he called me
IKWYM hug

I think that's why DrH recommends 2 years for Plan B. But that is with very minimal contact. Everytime you see him or have contact, you set your clock back to 0. Just like a WS does while in withdrawal.

BTW, DS7 looks EXACTLY like WH. So much so that his nickname since he was born is "mini me"

Last edited by Scotland; 04/13/10 01:58 PM.

BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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I guess the day is really not over! I just came back from the grocery store adn I met an acquaitance there.
She was talking about general stuff and then all of a sudden she said that she sees my H all the time. H has joined a sports team(I knew this all along because I was part of it for a brief period of time) where they do races with canoes travelling all over the country. She said that he has been testing to start the new season of races and that he is all into it...made friends with a bunch of people and does very well on the team. ...I could not stop her if I wanted to...she was able to tell me all this in one breath.
I told her that I am not interested in what H is doing and then I said good bye to her...have a good evening...I am sure she told me all this to hurt me..she knows we are separated.
OK, so my H is not at all miserable! He has been having lots of fun...the team he is part of is full of women so he must be having a blast.
He has new friends, new interests, keeps in shape....he is mean and arrogant with me and at work, but I am sure that in his new environment with his new friends he is a charm...grrrrrr
blessing


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atena
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Atena,

what is seen outwardly from a wayward often does not reflect what goes on inside.
I am sorry for this blip in your PB, let it go as best you can and carry on making a good life for you and your son


Recovered marriage, recovering self, life gets better everyday laugh
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thank you littledoggie, I should be in bed now as I am in europe and is late...but I can't help beeing so devastated.
I am sure that inside my H is not happy. But there is a big difference between the 2 of us...he is going on with his life and trying to make the best of it by developing new frienships and interests...
I, instead, do not have the energy for it and seem to be very discouraged by it all. I know he is a scum bag and that no outside stimulation can change that..I also know that all this obsession with canoes is due to the fact that he has always had a great body and great looks and he is afraid of not being able to sustain it for long at 50 so he is trying his best to stay young and defeat the fear of death.
But all those things are just words and speculations...many people are obsesssed with their image and do not leave their M...
I really do not know what to think...but I am afraid he is happier without me. It is hard for me to come to terms with this.
blessing


atena
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Originally Posted by atena
I am sure that inside my H is not happy. But there is a big difference between the 2 of us...he is going on with his life and trying to make the best of it by developing new frienships and interests...
I, instead, do not have the energy for it and seem to be very discouraged by it all.

So in other words your a good human with feelings and empathy, sympathy and in pain; while he is an entitled, self absorbed, selfish, waste of space who is actually going to look back on this one day and CRINGE, while you have come to terms with your life, incorporated it and are walking around with a clear conscience and head held high because you have nothing to be ashamed of.

Time sweety, more than you hope for, but oh so necessary.


Recovered marriage, recovering self, life gets better everyday laugh
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