Okay what is the deal with the obsession of waywards with being "happy". My WH is all about how we are just friends and he's not "happy" and how the OW makes him "happy" and we just go around once so should we be "happy" and no matter how this all ends with both be "happy". Seriously . . . he sounds like he's retarded.

-D

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Me: BS 40 yr
WH: 45 yr
DS: 8 yr
DD: 10 yr
PA: 3 yr
OW: coworker
D-Day: 12/9/09
Current status . . . lost all respect. Not sure if it's worth it anymore.

Ummmm...Yeah WW is the same way. OM makes me happy.

I told her "That's because you let him make you happy. You don't let me make you happy, so no matter how hard I try until you begin letting me make you happy, by not focusing on things in the past and anger, I can never make you happy."

dlm, if your D-Day was in December, are you in Plan B? What plan are you in?

If your needs are met then you are happy. Too bad people don't know what needs they have, and how to meet them through themselves or other people.

According to our personalities we all have different needs, and rely on our spouses to fill them. Often needs = happiness. This is what he may actually be saying by replacing happpiness with needs.

My WH is all about how we are just friends and he's not "getting his needs met" and how the OW "meets his needs" and we just go around once so we should "have our needs met" and no matter how this all ends with both "have our needs met". Seriously . . . he sounds like he's retarded.

Yeah that sounds really retarded. Now it just looks like an excuse to have an affair.

My WH is the same way...he keeps saying "I don't think I'm meant to be happy" blah blah blah....I keep telling him that happiness is a choice. If you choose to look at every situation negatively then obviously that will make you unhappy...Ugh...so frustrating!

I am not a wayward and I am all for Happiness. Isnt that sort of what we are all looking for.

The only difference is that a Wayward is willing to attain it at the cost of the BS's happiness, instead of being authentic and open about how to mutually attain it WITH their Married partners.
Its so much easier to chase a fantasy happiness than to stick around and build real happiness. Wayward happiness is yet another shortcut in life and a quick fix.

It is either getting needs met or the effect of infatuation chemicals on the brain.

Larry

I sympathize...that's all I EVER hear.

I'm not happy, I'm not happy....

Then she says, "we have a history together so you can never make me happy because of the stuff that has built up over the years" and "I see wonderful changes in you, but how do I know I will like that person".

I really feel for you because I know how you feel. Their happiness is the most important thing in the world, ahead of morals, responsibilities and religion.

What if I quit my job and stopped providing for my family because I wasn't happy working all the time. They are just selfish, that's all.

There is more to life than happiness.

The catchphrase for my WW's individual counselor is, "You need to find things that make you happy."

In WW's case, it was OM.

I used to buy into the concept of what might or might not "make" me happy. Then I began to read on the philosophy of happiness, and gaining the perspective on happiness that I think really gave me the grounding that I needed to get to - for lack of a better term - "make me happy".

See, I read this very interesting perspective, and it just slammed me upside the head. It was the single most logical thing I ever read or hear on happiness, or moods, for that matter. It made perfect sense to me. Here it is, in my words, because I can't give you what he said:


Have you ever awakened in the morning, and felt really great? I mean, just in this terrific mood? Nothing in your life had really changed, I mean, the job was the same, the wife and kids, the house, the bills, all of that, just exactly the same as the night before when you put your head on the pillow. You woke up, however, in this terrific mood, things just felt


great!

And you were happy!!!!

You smiled, felt like making pancakes, and greeted everyone with energy and happiness and like the sun was shining right through your eyes.


There was no "reason" for this.
No lottery was won.
Nobody "made" you happy, and nothing changed outside of you to "make" this feeling occur.


Happiness stands on its own. It simply "is".

It takes no more than a decision, a movement to this state, toward happiness, to "be" happy.

Happiness does exist like this - it is within you each and every moment. There is no particular "reason" to be, or not to be, happy in the general sense of life. Sure, events occur which result in TEMPORARY sadness, and we grieve those events. Yet even within those grieving periods, there are flashes of happiness - because we do find ourselves looking at happy memories even in the face of the passing of a loved one. These are normal experiences - because the tendency for us is to move through grief toward the balance of life and emotion.

It is that moving through - that we seek when we are betrayed. That is what brought the betrayed spouses to MB. So, when I read this passage about happiness as a state simply existing within me, it did make sense. I have had those experiences when I woke up "happy" - even in the darkest days of my life. Why?

Because I do believe that our tendency, for survival, is to move toward attempts to recover our emotional balance. That happiness is within us, there, for the asking, is something that startled me. And that "proof" concept of me waking up feeling good without "reason"...well...yeah, made sense.


Deepak Chopra I think, was the writer, but I could be wrong (maybe an error of attribution here).


Anyway, I consider things logically. So I asked myself, have I had the OPPOSITE experience? Have I awakened ANGRY or UNHAPPY for no apparent reason? Have I been UPSET or NERVOUS or ANXIOUS on rising? And the answer was - yes. Are these emotions just hanging around? Do they serve an evolutionary or survival purpose? My neurological training says this may be likely. I have no research whatsoever to point you toward.

In my own life, I have attempted to apply this concept of having the happiness there on the table for me to pick up and put on. I use this technique. When I wake up with the crummies, I ask, could I change this to the happies? And most often than not, I CAN.


And so I DO.


A strange yet useful turn of life for me.


So, tell your wayward spouse that happiness is simply NOT affected from an outward source. It exists only within. The poorest people on earth, who have NOTHING, and NOBODY to lean on, still experience happiness. Ask the WS to explain that...and in their search for happiness, ask them if selfishness is one of the ingredients in that recipe. Because in all of the philosophical readings I have done - to the nth degree - they each describe and outline that selfish pursuits spoil the brew.


SB

My H keeps saying that he has to be happy to even start working on us and our marriage. He says he has never really been happy inside his whole life except at certain times and that he needs to find out how to be happy. I am so tired of this. I want him to be happy but it looks like we will never ever work on our marriage because he will never be happy. Like Schoolbus said we all have the capability to be happy within ourselves we just have to look. I ought to know. It looks like my marriage is going to end sooner and sooner everyday because I am the only one working on it because he has to find happiness inside of himself. That and he doesn't love me any more and hasn't for years he said, but he did come back. I think WS use trying to find happiness as an excuse to not work on the marriage. They also use I don't love you any more as a way to rationalize everything they have done even when they return. They wouldn't have returned home if they didn't love you or were actually happier at home with you. They have to realize this themselves and hopefully before it is too late.

Still hoping and praying.

It is all about them. It is fog babble. Do a search for fog babble and read some of the extensive threads on the subject. You will want to laugh and cry at the same time.

Larry

Mine is the same way, as far as I have to be happy in order to work on the relationship. I asked him if he was "unhappy" in our relationship to make things better? He said he has no good answer to that.

I think it's all fog talk - the "I haven't been happy in a long time" talk.