My story: I don't know what to do anymore...

Anyway, found out this morning that WW was trying to start another affair with one of ex-boyfriends. OM turned her down. But, at this point she's just a habitual cheater and I don't think she's ever going to change. I've given her her fair share of second chances, and actions do speak louder than words.

Needless to say, I sent an e-mail to my attorney this morning indicating I wanted to pursue the dissolution of our marriage and why. Going to call WW this evening and let her know that I'm filing. Just one more thing to add on to her now broken heart....awwwwww I feel so bad for her (sarcasm).

I do still love her, not much at this point, the perverbial love bank is close to being overdrawn. But I think it's in mine and my daughter's best interest to not allow this charade to continue. I'm not going to be her backup guy.

On the brighter side, my attorney thinks that I'll come out of this pretty good. Most of what we have is debt, she has no claim to my investments (trust fund). So basically, I'll be assuming a lot of the debt (house, car and motorcycle) and let her out of it. Hopefully she'll be smart enough to see that she's getting a good deal and doesn't fight for spousal support. Even if she did, attorney said she wouldn't get much and not for a very long time.

So anyway, I'm moving to this board.

Tresmal, I'm sorry it's come to this. But you're right -- if she's a serial cheater, you and your daughter are far better off without her anywhere NEAR your life!

One word of caution: DO NOT ASSUME YOUR WW WILL "be smart enough to see that she's getting a good deal and doesn't fight for spousal support." I have continued to try to work to some semblance of understanding with mine, and every time I give her something, it just makes her sense of entitlement grow larger.

I don't want to be cruel and selfish, but it seems there is no logic and compassion with these people once the waywardness has taken over.

There are two "affirmations" I cling to these days. One is a fabulous signature used by CrushedJim on the SAA forum, and the other is just simply a statement of fact:

Thanks Fred,

Yeah, I'm not assuming anything, I'm covering my [censored] as much as possible. What she'll be getting is a one time offer, if she doesn't accept, it won't be offered again. Needless to say the "offer" is something that I briefly discussed with the attorney a couple weeks ago. If she doesn't want it, then we goto a contested divorce rather than a dissolution, which will cost both of a lot more in the long run.

Hardest thing I ever had to do last night.....

I finally came clean to my 14 y/o daughter and told her everything. Told her about WW's affairs, what it meant and that I was filing for divorce. She took it better than I did. I could see the tears welling up in her eyes, but she never cried. She just sat there and listened. Gave me a hug and told me she loved me. God I love my little girl, but I know it's killing her inside, because she's like me, she holds it all in.

Talked to my brother in-law (we're very close) and he understands everything that's going on. He was very appolgetic about his sister (which he didn't need to be), but he also suggested I talk to his father before talking to WW. So I did, he tried to convince me not to move forward with a divorce just yet that he thought she was coming around. I explained to him and sent him the FB messages, that she's not coming around that she lying to him and everyone else, and rewriting history to make herself feel better about leaving.

Guess all that's left now is to tell WW and meet with the attorney on Thursday.

Sounds like you're doing what's best for you and your child and you have a good head about it. Does your wife have any intention to reconcile or does she also want to move on. Hang in there.

I don't think she wants to reconcile, at least if she does it would be for the wrong reasons.


As with most WW's she's rewriting history. She never tried to make our marriage work. She only went out and had affairs.

OK, so here's a copy of the e-mail I'll be sending WW after I talk to her on the phone. I'm sending the e-mail, because I know I probably won't be able to say what I mean or everything I want to while on the phone. I know it may sounds stupid, but I'm trying to leave the door open for her to return to the marriage if she so desires, but I need to start this process now so that I can move on with my life sooner rather than later if she decides not to return.

Please let me know what you think:

My Dearest WW,

First, I want you to know that I do love you, I love you with all my heart and I will always love you. I�m so sorry that I could never show you how much I truly do love and appreciate everything you have done for me, DD and our family. You mean everything to me and I know deep down under all the anger you do still love me. I hope and pray that someday you will be able to overcome this fog and see our marriage for what it really was. A truly loving marriage, a marriage that had a few problems that can easily be corrected with a little work. I know I may have taken your love and affection for granted sometimes and have not been able to reciprocate, but that never meant that I didn�t love or appreciate you. I have made numerous changes over the last several months, and have been able to overcome my fear of opening up to you and being able to tell you how I feel and how much I truly do love you.

As for everything that has gone on over the last several months and years I have forgiven you completely for everything. I hold no ill will towards you. I do not put all the blame on your for the issues in our marriage, I take responsibility for my faults and actions that have driven our marriage to the brink of destruction. I know I�ve made mistakes, and I�m working on myself to ensure I never make those mistakes again. I hold myself fully accountable for my actions, and maybe I do deserve some of this punishment. I don�t know where to go from here, I only know that we can reconcile this marriage and return the love that was once there. I know this because I have seen it happen in other couples and read about many success stories about couples in similar situations. I can only hope and pray that someday, we will be able to come back together and fulfill our marriage vows completely.

It is now with a heavy heart and many tears that I must continue with the purpose of this letter. I need to tell you that I will be speaking with an attorney later this week to discuss the dissolution of our marriage. This does not mean that the door has closed on our marriage, the door is still open and this process can be stopped at any time should you want to reconcile the marriage. However, I feel this action is necessary at this time due to our current circumstances.

I want to explain to you the dissolution process, as while the outcome is the same, it is not the same process as filing for divorce. A divorce will require that we both retain attorneys, which for a typical divorce will cost each of us upwards of $20,000 to $25,000. The divorce process can take up to or longer than a year before it is finalized. A dissolution only requires one attorney, with the cost being much less expensive (approximately $3,000) and can be completed in about 35 days. With the dissolution, we would need to come to an agreement on the settlement of the property and finances. Overall the dissolution process will benefit both of us, both financially and emotionally.

I want you to understand that I do not want this. I want to save our marriage and rebuild the love that we once had. However, I think this may be the best solution for us for the time being, as the fog that you are in is overpowering your judgment. I want to encourage you to continue to see the psychologist, as I believe that God will speak through her and help you to get through this trying time. As I mentioned before, this does not mean that this is the end of our marriage; this process can be halted at any time if we so desire and I hope and pray that this will be the case. I know that rebuilding our marriage and the love that we once had will be a lot of hard work, and when you�re ready I will put forth 150% into finding that love and becoming the man that you once loved, the man that you want to love, the man that you want to spend the rest of your life with.

I love you with all my heart, always and forever.

Your Loving Husband,



Tresmal

A few thoughts. First, I'd be careful about saying you know how she feels, that she still loves you. If she is in a fog, she may not see it that way and feel like you really don't know her. Besides, it's her emotions, let her own them.

Second, don't tell her she's in a fog, IMO. I don't see how she can accept that until she discovers it for herself. I would guess that from her point of view, she's the one who seems clearly and you're the one in denial.

Third, I don't think you need to tell her that the door is still open. Saying that you still love her says that enough. Pushing it furthers looks like you're trying to use divorce as a tool to manipulate her back to being the wife you want. That shouldn't be your goal, your simply setting the boundary you need to set. If she changes her ways and comes back it will not be because you're telling her the door is still open.

Fourth, I don't think you should say that the marriage was happy and full of love. She's in a fog and rewriting history, so I'd guess she's telling herself it wasn't a good marriage, and she's not such a bad person for having an affair in a bad marriage.

Really, I think you need to keep it simple. Tell her how you feel, own up to your faults, and tell her what you intend to do. Don't blame her and be judgemental (not that I thought you were overall). I think that will have a much better effect in letting her know that this is real, this is reality, and she must start dealing with it.

Good points...Thanks. I made the appropriate changes (at least from my point of view).

My Dearest WW,
First, I want you to know that I do love you, I love you with all my heart and I will always love you. I�m so sorry that I could never show you how much I truly do love and appreciate everything you have done for me, DD and our family. You mean everything to me and I hope and pray that deep down under all the anger you do still love me. I know I may have taken your love and affection for granted sometimes and have not been able to reciprocate, but that never meant that I didn�t love or appreciate you. I have made numerous changes over the last several months, and have been able to overcome my fear of opening up to you and being able to tell you how I feel and how much I truly do love you.
As for everything that has gone on over the last several months and years I have forgiven you completely for everything. I hold no ill will towards you. I do not put all the blame on your for the issues in our marriage, I take responsibility for my faults and actions that have driven our marriage to the brink of destruction. I know I�ve made mistakes, and I�m working on myself to ensure I never make those mistakes again. I hold myself fully accountable for my actions, and maybe I do deserve some of this punishment. I don�t know where to go from here, I only know that we can reconcile this marriage and return the love that was once there. I know this because I have seen it happen in other couples and read about many success stories about couples in similar situations. I can only hope and pray that someday, we will be able to come back together and fulfill our marriage vows completely.
It is now with a heavy heart and many tears that I must continue with the purpose of this letter. I need to tell you that I will be speaking with an attorney later this week to discuss the dissolution of our marriage. Given our current circumstances, I feel that this step is necessary at this time.
I want to explain to you the dissolution process, as while the outcome is the same, it is not the same process as filing for divorce. A divorce will require that we both retain attorneys, which for a typical divorce will cost each of us upwards of $20,000 to $25,000. The divorce process can take up to or longer than a year before it is finalized. A dissolution only requires one attorney, with the cost being much less expensive (approximately $3,000) and can be completed in about 35 days. With the dissolution, we would need to come to an agreement on the settlement of the property and finances. Overall the dissolution process will benefit both of us, both financially and emotionally.
I want you to understand that I do not want this. I want to save our marriage and rebuild the love that we once had. I want to encourage you to continue to see the psychologist, as I believe that God will speak through her and help you to get through this trying time. I know that rebuilding our marriage and the love that we once had will be a lot of hard work, and when you�re ready I will put forth 150% into finding that love and becoming the man that you once loved, the man that you want to love, the man that you want to spend the rest of your life with.
I love you with all my heart, always and forever.
Your Loving Husband,

Tresmal

Tresmal, is this a Plan B letter or a Plan D letter?

Take it from someone who always tends to use five words when two will do, I'd proofread, proofread and proofread again. This is a very important letter, and every word and every punctuation point must be there for a reason.

It's said that when Jack Welch was running GE, he would reject any proposal from anyone that didn't fit onto a single piece of paper.

The toughest thing I would ask you to do is to remove anything "overly emotional" without removing the emotional intent. I'm not sure how to quite explain that. It's just that some of it reads like pure emotion and does not further the intent of the letter.

Thank you for sharing it with us. Please continue to do so.

There are many talented letter writers here. They will help you make it "letter perfect."

Tres --

From a FWW, I find your letter very confusing.
I can't tell what it is that you want from it.

First you talk about saving the marriage -- then you turn around and explain how to dissolve it in the cheapest fastest way.

If you have chosen this course of action, you don't owe her any explanations. Just get it done.

Are you in a MB plan?

If plan D is truly your route, then this ain't gonna work. Too much groveling. Most divorces get ugly, especially when there is a child involved. I got the best advice from someone the other day: once you decide on the path of divorce, it's no longer a loving relationship, its a business relationship. It's cold and its tough but not as much as her lawyer will be.

Sounds like you are still very much in the tunnel, long before the light, thinking about what you're losing and stuck in the mire of misery. Hey, I was there not too long ago. It's a terrible place to be. But if you want to get as much as possible from the divorce (not money, so much, as time with your DD, minimal alimony, etc.) then you need to put the emotions away. It's tough to do but if you don't do it, you and your DD will suffer more than needed.

And you will emerge from this, probably quicker than you think. Particularly if your love bank is overdrawn, squashed, spit upon and crushed to dust (as mine was).

Sorry haven't been around the last few days. Well no children are involved from this marriage, DD is from my first marriage. Divorce should actually go pretty smoothly, she agreed to a colabrative divorce (i.e. no contest).

I ended up not sending her that letter as, some pointed out it was just confusing. Basically, I just told her that I love her, but a divorce was in the best interest for me and my daughter and left it at that. Left out the whole reconcilation of the marriage.

Filed for D with the attorney Friday afternoon. If all goes well, and this colabrative thing works as the attorney says it should, we should be all said and done in just over a month.

Course now, that I've filed she's having second thoughts. WW called on Saturday, after not talking to me for a week. Then was sending me IM's and texts yesterday, saying how sorry she was. Left me a message on FB, saying she was thinking about me all day yesterday...Starting to get the feeling that she's going to drop the bomb sometime this week that she wants to come back. Problem is, I'm past that point where I would let her come back. She would only becoming back because she has to come back, not because she wants to come back. Reality has basically hit her smack in the face and she's realizing that financially she's not going to be able to support herself. Sorry but, I don't want to be in a marriage where my spouse is only there because she feels she has to be. It wouldn't be fair to me or DD. I've moved on, I'm begining to enjoy single life (hate doing my own laundry though), and I'm actually happy something I haven't been in a long time. I'm getting out meeting new people, and finding that self confidence that I've been missing. Finding that there are women out there that want to be with someone like me, no I'm not pursing any relationships just yet, but its still nice to know that I can get out there in the dating scene when I'm ready.

Gotta love the WW spouse that doesn't take into considerations the consequences for their actions. Not too mention the ones that like to live beyond their means.

Checked the Discover Card this morning (I had to give the balance to the attorney), and found that's she's made over $450 in charges in the last week and half, $300.00 of that was in cash advances. I told her several weeks ago to refrain from using the Discover Card, and if she needed to use a credit card to use one of the ones that I'm not on. Yeah, apparently she listens really well.

Anyway, guess I'm just venting and there's really nothing I can do, because the card is technically hers, and I'm just an authorized user, so I can put a hold on the account. What sucks is that I'm still responsible for the charges she makes on the card. I was able to take myself off the account, but it doesn't remove my responsibility for payment, nor removes it from my credit report.

Ehhh...Just frustrated.

Attorney says I should have the first draft of the divorce papers on Monday for my review. If they're good, she'll send them down to the WW.

Funny WW sent me the following text message last night though:

"So I'm not sure you want to hear this... but today is a day that I really miss you. And I've been thinking about us alot. My therapist says that its good that have these thoughts about you."

I haven't really talked to her in about a week and half now. I didn't know what to say to her. That's basically what I told her, "Sorry but I don't know how to respond. I'm glad your still seeing the therapist."

In essence I just don't trust her. Reality is starting to come crashing down on her and I think she's realizing that she might not be able to support herself. But I don't want her coming back to the marriage for that reason, and I have no way of knowing if what she is saying is true, or if she is just trying to come back so she can get financial support. She's a habitual cheater, and I don't think she's going to change. I've made the decision that I'm going through with the divorce irregardless if she says she wants to come back home. If she wants to work on the relationship, that's fine I guess, but she'll have to get her own place and we can work on it by dating after the divorce is finalized, but I honestly don't have much hope for it.

Thing is I'm happy now. I like the way things are, I've had to make some adjustments in my life, because now it's just me and my daughter and I have to do everything. But I like it. I'm getting out more and enjoying life. Even been on a couple "dates", just friend dates really. Not getting into anything serious though. Just having fun and living life.

Tresmal, let me share with you something someone else here wrote that I modified slightly and have carried with me as an "affirmation," if you will:
To which I will only add:

Make the list. As others here have said, "set the bar HIGH."

If she balks at the divorce, hand her the list. Tell her the quote above.

And then proceed with the divorce.

I know better than to say "never." As in, "I will never see/date my (ex-)wife again.

But the miracle that is in the list must be met before that will happen.

Good luck, my friend.

Thanks Fred. Living life to the fullest right now. Not looking back, at least not right now. I'm enjoying the "divorced" life for the most part. Moving on and having fun. Nothing serious, just fun.

Well, things are a moving. Just waiting on the attorney file the paperwork to get a court date, hopefully by tomorrow or Monday.

As far as dating goes, met a wonderful woman a couple weeks ago, been out a couple times, talk to her almost every day. Tomorrow will be our third official date. Its almost eary how much we have in common. The last two dates, we talked for hours. Something I'm not used to, typically I don't have a lot to say, but with her its so easy. She's fully aware of my marital situation, the fact that I'm seperated and in the middle of a divorce, it doesn't seem to bother her as I've been completely open and honest with her about it. Taking this very slowly, as I'm not entirely sure I'm ready for a serious relationship with anyone, but at the same time I can see this going further in the future.

Anyway, I'm happy, DD is happy and life is moving on.

For your sake (and hers, if she's really a nice person, this situation sounds risky.)

Why would you say that?