Wife of 16 years is having an EA with an "old" friend from high school. Cell phone records show thousands of text messages to each other for the last three months. I know they have seen each other and I'm pretty certain there has been no physical contact. I confronted her twice about it, asked her to stop contact, she refused. She also refuses to call it an affair. When I confronted her she brought up separation and divorce. Now she says she just wants to live as roomates/friends but I know that is the fog talking. She moved my clothes into another bedroom...she is out of town and I've since moved my things back into the closet. We have two children and I don't want our family busted apart because of her destructive behavior.

Here are my questions:

1) Do I confront one more time then officially start Plan A?
2) Am I within my rights to have her sleep in the spare bedroom or would that conflict with Plan A? Is that an LB? She wants peace in the house when she returns.

I don't want to push her out but at the same time I will not be a doormat!

Thanks!

Look, if you want to save your marriage don't move out of the bedroom, just tell her it's not what you want and you won't accept that, even if there is no sex but just being together and just maybe occassionally brushing against each others bodies is a good thing.....
right now you just have to be the soft place for her to be, be everything you should be for her, it will be tough and might take some time, even if she doesn't respond to you.....do it, she will see a side of you that maybe she hasn't for a while......all the little things, when you speak to her, look right into her eyes, a small touch of the hand, a act of service she isn't expecting.....little by little you will get to her. right now she is a fantasy life with this friend......slowly try to get her to spend time together even if it's with the kids for now.....be happy together....enjoy time together........I was in this situation as well 6 months ago, my husband has a PA and he has now chosen me over the OW.........he said he slowly saw a different me, and he liked what he saw and he said our house became a safe and comfortable place for him to be......
It's not lost for you, it will take a great deal of patience on your part without a lot of comfort for you for a long time, but it's worth it......look at every day as a stepping stone to a better relationship with your wife and your family....
good luck

jlowesd,

Have you exposed the affair to family and friends? You need to expose to those that can help you save your marriage. Exposure is not about revenge it is about seeking help and support to save your marriage and family. Your W will be hopping mad, and say some terrible things, but you have the evidence and you also have her asking for divorce/separation. Clear signs of her affair. It really makes no difference what she wants to call it, she is having an affair. Is OM married? Does he have family? If so they need to know what is going on.

I would be so sure that nothing physical has happened as they apparently have had opportunities. Don't move out, and don't leave the bedroom unless you want to.

Part of plan A is meeting her needs and planting seeds that you can and will address issues in the marriage. The other part is the exposure part. Exposure is really necessary and it is really painful, but shining the light of day on the affair tends to start a decay in the affair. You need honesty in this marriage and lying for your W by commision or omission is not going to work. Also speak with your children. They need to know what is going on in an age appropriate manner as their family and life is being threatened by her stated desires to divorce or separate. Don't let them get blindsided or lied to.

Please read the artilces here. and seek good pro-marriage counseling preferrably the Harleys.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks...I've been sleeping in the other bedroom for quite some time now and she has told me that she doesn't want me sleeping in the same bed as her...don't know if that makes a difference or not. I'm contemplating telling her that as long as she continues the affair she can sleep in the other bedroom.

Thanks fro the quick response!

Yes OM is married with children and exposure is my next step.

Under no circumstances do you tell anyone in advance that you are going to expose, especially your W or OM. THis is not a threat, this an action you need to take. Om's W may take a dim view of her H spending so much time and attention on an old HS "friend".

JL

Right...there will be no threat of exposure only the actual exposing(I think that makes sense)

Questions:

You say she's out of town right now? Where is she? Can you verify it?

Also, how do you know the A is not physical?

Is the OM married?

Have you snooped to come up with any concrete evidence of an A? Have you checked her text messages? If you can get any, forward them to your email address or phone.

Is the OM on Facebook? If you can, get on there and print off his friends list and save it.

Can you get into her email? Look for emails.

Can you put a keylogger on the computer she uses most often? This is critical if you can do it.

If she wants to sleep in the spare bedroom you can't stop her, but don't invite her to leave your marital bed. And YOU don't leave it, either!

This A will need to be exposed, but if you do it too early and do an Exposure Lite, it will blow up on you. You need evidence that they are in an active A. Thousands of texts convinces me, for sure. But she can spin those texts "I text all my friends all the time! I sent 200 to Susie just last week!" etc etc. Start snooping. In the meantime, I would concentrate on meeting her needs. Look up Plan A on this site. Don't continue to browbeat her or it will drive her underground. Get the goods first. Snoop.

I engaged in all the wrong behavior when I first saw what was really happening you know whining, pleading, smothering...not anymore!

I'll be loving and compassionate when using the carrot and calm and resolute when using the stick.

Yes, I can verify that she is actually out of town.

I did intercept an email where he sent her a love poem and another referencing a resort.

Well, sure you did. It's a natural reaction. But you see the light now, right? And you have a solid plan of action to kill this A. Get started, jlow. This is your mission. Get the goods.

Also, the texts are late at night/early morning and she carries her phone with her everywhere.

So after the kids are in bed and she decides to go out do I just smile and say "see you later dear"?

I would DEMAND that she end her affair. But before you do that, I would suggest starting Plan A NOW and exposing her affair wide and far. Affairs thrive on secrecy so exposure is your most potent weapon against it. While it is not a guarantee, we have had affairs killed the DAY they were exposed.

Exposure is best done on the same day so that it has a tsunami effect for the affairees. Exposure targets should be:

1. the OM's wife and parents - in some cases the OM's employer

2. your WW's parents, your parents, close friends and family

3. your children, if over age 7

4. pastor, if any

5. facebook friends of your WW and the OM [we have a template letter]

I would start by calling the OM's wife and giving her all evidence of the affair. Frm there, go down the list and start calling parents, family members, friends. Tell them all about the affair and ask for their advice. Ask them to use their influence to persuade your W to end her affair.

Tell your children all about your wife's affair and explain why adultery is immoral. Tell them they are free to ask their mother any questions about why she would destroy their family in pursuit of a filthy, immoral affair.

Don't forewarn her about any of this. And prepare for her to be FURIOUS when you expose the affair. Don't let it bother you one bit. Your marriage can survive some temporary anger, it can't survive this affair.

I would also plan on having a come to Jesus with the OM. Go visit him at work and ask him man to man what his intentions are for your wife. Tell him hell is coming and that you fight for your marriage and will have him hauled into court to give testimony about his affair with your wife if this goes to divorce. Do you live in an alienation of affection state?



She should have no peace whatsoever as long as she in an affair. As her husband, if you want to save your marriage, you had better be causing as much conflict as possible if you want to save your marriage. Tell her she can sleep where ever she wants, but you won't be leaving your bed.

I would call the OM's wife TODAY and get going on this. The sooner you expose the affair, the faster you can get to work on saving your marriage.

OMG, no. What a dysfunctional reaction to abuse. You demand to know where she is going and GO WITH HER. Dont' enable her. Make as much conflict as possible for her. Where is she going when she leaves? Is she meeting her adultery partner? If so, then either go with her [wake up the kids] and/or call the OM's wife.

But I would call the OM's wife TODAY and get the affair expsed to see if this will kill it.

You: "Where are you going?"

Her: "Blahblahblah. My business. Too controlling. You did this. You did that. Blahblahblah"

You: "I want you to stay home, with your family."

The actions below, are done quietly and without her knowledge !!!

(put GPS on her vehicle)
(put VAR in her vehicle)
(put VAR in the bathroom where she goes to use her cell)
(put keylogger on her computer)
(hire a PI)
(get a family law attorney lined up in case she decides to take the kids away)

My FWH's A ended the DAY I went nuclear with exposure.

Please do this ASAP. And never apologize for it to anyone. You are simply asking for their support in helping you save your M.

And you thought you just had to take it.

Welcome to MB plans and action are the order of the day. You are starting to see by all of the posts that you have many things to do and much to learn. You are going to be a busy man and no you don't have to move out of your bed and take it.

Listen to the ladies, they are guiding you correctly.

God Bless

JL