My sis sits next to FOM in band prac (where I met him) every week. She never ever mentions rehersal or him because of the situation.

Mum saw conductor of band the other week and he was telling her how he didn't understand why I wouldn't go back and how much he needs me there. Both Mum and conductor know about the A and the reason why - i explained to both of them in my attempt to end the A.

Anyway this convo that mum had comes up with me and my sis and sis drops in "he's up to it again"

I know, I know, far too much and I should have put my fingers in my ears and gone "blah, blah, blah" but I am concerned for both the girl and his wife.

She is his boss and also plays in the band. Sis is very perceptive - she says that they're trying to keep it really really cool but after watching me for 20 months she has them sussed. She is even younger than me - he is now 52. Sis compares his technique to a paedophile grooming a child.


Yes, I am concerned for her but also I am very concerned for his wife too.

I know for sure that my sis won't get involved. Is there anything I can do?

First of all, the conductor and your mum both know why you're not coming back. That should not be a topic of discussion.

Item #2: Make it clear to your sis that the FOM is dead to you and that his name should never be spoken in your presence again.

Item #3: You have nothing but speculation going on, here. Your sis is speculating that these people are having an A. This is not your concern, and you wouldn't even know it if Item #2 was being respected.

Item #4: If FOM is dead to you, then he is engaging in no activities as far as you're concerned. Do not get involved in this.

Tell your H, let HIM make the decision of what HE wants to do and you stay out of it.

NC means NC. Please tell your sister and mum how potentially damaging it is to your M for her to even mention OM's name. Even this could fog you out.

God's Blessings,

Say

I don't know about this.

If my H came to me with this info, the questions that would come to mind are, why does he care WHAT FOW is doing? Why is he discussing FOW? Honestly, I think it would cause a setback in our R.

Please listen to the others ~ set up very clear boundaries with anyone you know that still has contact with OM that you want to know/hear nothing to do with him AT ALL. Please.

Ditto, ditto, ditto.

The FOM is dead to you, don't concern yourself with him in any, way, shape or form.

I know i would be highly pi55ed off if my h came to me and said anything about the FOW and would probably wonder if there had been contact.

And tell your mum and sister you do not wish to hear ANYTHING about the FOW ever again.

General consensus then is to do nothing except reitterate NC to sis and mum.

It's hard.

I was the victim of a crime many mnay years ago and I didn't report it. It really bothers me that because I didn't report it there may be many other victims out there and that I could have stopped their pain.

Would you not want to know if your H's were still messing around? I'm quite sure you wouldn't want to know from me. But surely his wife should know?

Yes i would want to know if my H was still messing around but certainly NOT from his FOW........

And you should not concern yourself with him at all.

Yep, this is exactly right.

Also, next time mentions that person or related circumstances (including the band) to you again:
* ask them to please change the subject, if you haven't asked them before,
* leave if they persist in talking about it
* if they ever do it again, do not see them ever again unless they come to you with an understanding of what they did wrong and they never do it again

Got that? Noone ever talks to you about that person or the band ever again. Ever. Not even your mother or your sister. If they keep doing it, you drop them from your life. Even your mother or your sister. Got that?

Surely you wouldn't suggest that she make it her personal mission to keep tabs on xOM for his loved ones? Based on speculation, to boot?

I lean towards this.

For 2 reasons.

One, the reason that ST mentioned, wouldn't you want to know if your H was cheating???
I would have loved someone to tell me, A LOT sooner than when I found out.
The perfect scenario would be for ST's sister mentioning it to FOM's wife, therefore leaving ST completely out of it and with no knowledge of it.

Two, where I am right now in R (1yr. 4months but I don't just mean where I am in the timeline),
I would be comfortable in contacting FOW's H prolly and giving the heads up. What is done with that info would then be up to that H.
I don't feel that it would set me back.

I'm adding a third one ..... I can't stop all adultery, but I can do my best to protect BS's.

I might feel different if I was actually faced with this, at this moment, it seems like the right thing to do.

She is even younger than me - he is now 52

There is something especially disgusting about old men who prey on the emotionally vulnerable using their years of experience to unfair advantage. So he has grandkids as old as your children, must have no sense of empathy whatsoever.

I agree with letting your H take action, the fact that he is doing this with another young lady means he needs to be taught a lesson. This isn't a church band is it?

Gamma

I agree with Still. I think you should inform your husband, in the spirit of RH - this could be construed as skirting close to breaking NC and he should know. It is also his right to know that your mother and sister are not quite on board with the strict boundaries that need to be in place concerning ALL knowledge of FOM. But I don't think you should indicate in ANY way what you think HE should do with that information. At some level, your wanting to inform indicates "caring" EVEN IF it is directed at his wife, because in some way it connects to your ongoing DISGUST at him. You want to feel INDIFFERENT to him, not any other kind of emotion even if a negative one.

IMNSHO: It is not your job or your obligation to concern yourself with FOM's BS. It takes your focus away from your recovery.

ST,

Do what Pep said.....

Also, I too think you need to tell your H. While you didn't seek out this information, he should know that you have it. If your mom or sis mentions it to him later and he finds out you already KNEW this, it will set you back. He will wonder what else you are keeping from him.........

As far as doing anything, the answer is NO, NOPE, NaDA!!!!!

{{{{ST}}}}

I'm sure this update knocked you off kilter a bit......

Doesn't sit well with me either. My first thought was where was the concern before? Maybe her BH would think the same.

She's not a victim, though, right?

You weren't, either, right?

I agree as well. ST this is just not something you should even be THINKING about much less be concerned about. It is just not a good thing period IMHO.

by Still Crazy ...... It is just not a good thing period IMHO.

And I agree, all the more reasons for the FOP to be far, far away with no ties to the FWS.
The fact remains that ST has been made aware of FOM's continuous actions.

ST, I'm glad that you brought this to the board to get some clarity.

I hope by now that you have told J that your mom and sis spoke of FOM.
What he decides to do with that info, if any, is his.

I strongly agree with repeating to mom and sis that you do not want or need to hear anything about FOM/band in the future.

Thinking more about that, had my FWH's family mentioned OW in any way, I would be so terribly hurt.
To me, they would be underestimating the damage that the A caused to me and my M.

Also, not honouring my FWH's request of not mentioning the OP, would be thoughtless and disrespectful to our R.