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Joined: Feb 1999
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Animac Offline OP
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H was away on business this week and returned last night. All week I've been thinking "I deserve much better than the way he's treated me for the past 10 months." I sent him an email this week telling him that I'm willing to do the work to create a wonderful marriage, but I'm not willing to just exist in a terrible one. This is because he's been making noises about coming home, but doesn't want to do anything to work on the relationship. Maybe he's just trying to find a way to come home and still 'save face' because he can't deal with his guilt. I don't know. But I'm not sure I trust in him enough anymore to put myself on the line again. <P>If someone was contemplating getting married to someone who treated them like [censored] and said "that's okay, he'll change after we're married", I'd say they were very stupid. But isn't that what I'm saying? That its okay that he treats me poorly because it will all get better once he comes home? What evidence do I have to support this? None. <P>But last night he was here playing with kids and I was just so happy to see him and enjoy his company. And today, every time I looked at him I had to resist the urge to touch him. All I could think about was wanting to run my fingers over his chest...and so on and so forth. Why do I do this to myself? Why am I so in love with this man?<P>I really need to stop the fantasies. I was hoping he would want to spend time together this weekend. Wrong. He offered to take the kids tonight since he's been away all week. He was trying to be nice, but all I heard was that he didn't want to be with me. I declined the offer. Then at 3pm when I was supposed to pick up the kids he wasn't at his apartment. It entered my mind that maybe he realized how disappointed I was, took the kids to the food store to get stuff for dinner, and was waiting for me at the house to cook dinner for us. Wrong -- I returned to the house to find it empty and no message on the machine. Then when it got really late I thought maybe he was going to surprise me by showing up in a tuxedo with roses (I told him once, in jest, that he would have to do this if he wanted to come home). Wrong again. He was just late. Why do I let my mind go off on these fantasies? He did nothing bad to me today. He was even nice offering to give me an evening off without the kids. But because it falls so far short of my fantasies, I'm perpetually disappointed and heartbroken. <P>Now the good news -- I asked him to join us for dinner tonight, which he declined. Then he offered to come over and cook dinner tomorrow night. He hasn't cooked a meal for me in months. So one of my fantasies is coming true! Now if I could just be satisfied with that and stop pining for the rest...<P>------------------<BR>Love bears all things, hopes all things, believes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. (1 Corinthians 13)<P>

Joined: May 1999
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Hi Annie,<BR> Sorry things aren't working out for you.I'm sure by now you have the book"After the Affair"? Maybe you need to read chapter 3 again,about exploring your ideas about love.The part about unrequited love-"If I didn't love him so much,I couldn't tolerate the way he treats me".I guess that's what we have to be careful of.We just want our spouse back,but will it be healthy for us?Or as Dear Abby says:Would you be better off without him? A tough one,I know.I think about it all the time.How could I still love my W after what she did to me?Is it even healthy for me to even think about loving her again? Sounds like your H is jacking you around,he can't decide what he wants.Don't you hate that?Don't let him take advantage of you.He can't have his cake and eat it,too.Take care,Annie. --Murph

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Annie<BR>Oh girl have I been that place!<BR>The things I dreamed of. I used to tell H that I had a dream of him bringing flowers to me and saying he was ready to put 100% into the marriage. That was supposed to be my sign. My closure....<BR>I got the flowers but it wasn't soon enough. It wasn't the way I wanted it. I realized that my expectaions would never be met.<BR>We have to look at the good things and take them at face value. <BR>You are doing that. It's okay to be an optimist. Hope is good. <BR>When things like that happened I finally started tellin my H that I hoped he was going to surprise me. They don't have a clue sometimes, Annie. Maybe you should let him know about some of the things you imagine. Maybe he could make some little dreams come true if he knows what they are.

Joined: Oct 1999
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Hello Animac<P> I guess all the betrayed have Fantasies. My dream is that I will be warring a tux walking into her work with a dozen red roses & kneel before her in front of all her friends & asking here to marry me all over again. She tears up gives me a great big hug & kiss & tells me that would make her the happiest women in the world. That’s my dream. But all I get right now is that W prays that the feelings she once had come back or she won’t be here because she deserves to have those feelings. Some how I drove those out of her. More like Mr. Wonderful who was telling her that she could talk to him about her problems when every she needed to talk. And by the way I will share my Marriage problems with you so you can help me.<BR>Sorry for the bitterness it just gets me mad every time I think of it. But who knows people do make it threw this hellhole maybe you are one of them. I pray that I am.<P> Hugs to All<P> LotsofHope<BR><P>------------------<BR>

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Ani, you are in a tough position. But all you really have to make decisions about are your words and actions for tonight.<P>Wering a sad wistful face will not help the situation. After all, you at least want to be making the decision about H coming home some day.<P>Until he does, I honestly think you need to act like he is not.<P>Be happy he's there, but not too cosy. If he told his side of the story (believe me I believe yours is much closer to the truth), he might complain about how nothing ever seems enough and he has the feeling he falls short. Or you keep raising the standards, or some other nonsense.<P>Maybe the crumbs we beg for are their whole pieces of cake and we don't know it.<P>So that brings you back to the question, can you live with the crumbs? That's why you need to be moving on, as cheerfully as possible. <P>You just might find those crumbs get a little bigger in porportion to how independent and confident you look.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

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Hi Ani-<BR>You know I am right with you in the "I keep giving him my heart" club. FHL is right - we need to act as if they are not coming back for our own sakes. I am going to recommend a book which is probably not MB-sanctioned, but which I haven't been able to put down, "Crazy Time" by Abigail Trafford about surviving divorce and building a new life. I have decided that I need to look at my future with the assumption that whatever happens between me and H we do need to "divorce" the old marriage. Whether we can build a new one together remains to be seen... It is helping to look at questions like what brought us together in the first place, what was our unspoken marriage contract-what did we bring to each other, what do we need now, etc.<P>I am sorry for your pain Ani. Hope you are feeling Ok again soon.<P>Thinking of you,<BR>Starpony

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Starpony, I've read CRAZY TIME, as I recall, I thought it had some good info for when divorce seems inevitable, MB nonwithstanding.<P>Annie, I know how you feel. As you know, my H moves in & out. If he ever moves back in, I will never know if he's about to change his mind. Is that anyway to live? He's quite certain he won't change, despite the fact he has changed 180 degrees the past 2 years. But I see him, spend time with him and the love flows--no matter what he has done.<P>I was really stupid this weekend. Called H late Sat nite, crying. (I hate Plan B, cannot get the hang of it, miss H sooo much). He volunteers to come over. He comforts me. We make love. At 7 am he gets out of bed to leave before kids get up and find out he's there--agreed, we don't want to confuse the kids. I say, stupidly (NOT a morning person), "the marriage is over, isn't it?"<P>"yeah, what you said." In a "whatever" tone of voice. Sheesh. Okay, I'm an idiot for calling him, letting him come over, making love, and saying what I did. But I want so much from him.<P>Then the sermon today was "unconditional love". It's enough to make one want to take to one's bed with a lifetime supply of double stuff Oreos.<P>Take care.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P>

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Animac Offline OP
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Hi guys, thanks for your replies. I'm glad I'm not the only one suffering from fantasies. I've read After the Affair and Crazy Time. Let's face it, I've read just about everything. <P>I think I did an okay job today. He asked what I wanted for dinner. I told him anything. Later I told him I knew what I wanted for dessert -- him! I hope it came across as simply flirting and not desperate. <P>The evening centered around playing with the kids. We both love being around the kids. He won't talk to me and its extremely frustrating. Even idle chit-chat feels like work. It's like talking to a clam. <P>He's leaving again in the morning on business, so he made a point of saying after dinner that he couldn't stay because he had to pack. He did stay until the baby was asleep, and our older daughter was in pajamas and we were reading books to her. Just before the last book he decided it was time to leave. It was very clear to me that he WASN'T going to stick around until the kids were in bed and he might have to talk with me. Of course, she fell apart after he left, so getting her to sleep was a chore. He couldn't have stayed for one more book? Maybe my 'dessert' comment scared him off!! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>It's so hard to accept that someone I love so dearly just doesn't feel the same way about me. Especially because he did feel that way at one time and for a long time. <P>Lor--that's exactly how I feel right now. I want comforting and its HIM I want. I'm resisting the urge to pick up the phone and call him. Obviously he doesn't want to talk to me, the way he ran out of here. <P>He hugged me when he left. But something is wrong with his hugs lately. They are flat. Devoid of emotion. Maybe its me. Hugging me is probably like hugging a board these days because I'm so stiff and scared and defensive. <P>I know I need to move on. Emotionally, legally, financially I can't let this situation continue. And I can't stop the divorce anyway. My response is due by the end of the week. It's already drafted and my lawyer is just waiting for me to give the go-ahead to file it. <P>Well, I'm rambling on with no real purpose. Just needed to share. Thanks for being there, guys!

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Annie, I think we all have those fantasies about our spouses having a change of heart and doing that "one romantic thing" to beg our forgiveness and declare their love. I still find myself hoping for a bouquet of flowers with and I love you, etc. Just know you aren't alone.

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Animac Offline OP
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Thanks, Janie!

Joined: Jun 1999
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Anie,<P>I am so sorry to read how your drama continues and I fully identify with your concerns. I also do not know why would I want to continue being with the person who abandoned me while being pregnant. I wanted to ask you how did you deal at the time when the baby was really small and H was coming over to take care of him or her. I fear that it totally ruins me for days to have the H around while knowing that he has OW and shows no real remorse for his actions. I feel that the baby is still so small that it might be better to have less contact with H at this point so that I can heal. What was your experience in regard to H' bonding with the baby? Did it help you to get OW out of the picture?<P>Tara

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Annie - When I read what you wrote and what you said about:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>It's so hard to accept that someone I love so dearly just doesn't feel the same way about me. Especially because he did feel that way at one time and for a long time.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <P>I realized that I've been feeling pretty much the same way about my W as you do about your H, with much the same results (except we're not separated -- yet). So I really do understand how you're feeling and feel bad for you. (Hugs!) I also realized though, just how helpful it is to others (like me) in similar situations. It's good to know we're not alone. Reading your posts on this thread also help me understand that I have been desperately wanting my W to come back to me the way she used to be and it just doesn't look like that's going to happen. (We're together physically but she hasn't been with me emotionally for a long time. She acts basically exactly like your H acts.) Accept and move on? Regards and blessings,<P>--Wex


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