Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 6 of 7 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 383
S
SidneyT Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 383
Update:

Well, it's been two months since WH abruptly announced he wanted a separation and moved out. I STILL do not have proof of OW. I don't want to go into detail because my WH knows about MB and I don't want to give away what I am doing, however EVERYTHING I have tried up to this point has failed miserably. I have not given up and I am continuing to search. He has gone very deep and dark with hiding. This has been extremely frustrating because I KNOW how vital exposure is (and truth for my own sanity).

As far as me responding back to his request for Legal Separation with divorce, I have called my lawyer and cancelled that and now I am just agreeing to the legal separation. I realized how absolutely absurd it was for me to make such as monumental choice (divorce) just days after having this bomb dropped on me by WH. I cannot make a decision until I know the TRUTH about what is really happening in my marriage.

And interestingly enough, as mad and disgusted as I was with him right after D-Day, I have had a true change of heart and I actually want to try to work to save my marriage if at all possible.

He is living in a crappy old apartment right in the heart of a college town and he does his laundry in a laundry mat. It blows my mind to realize what he has thrown away (wife, family,house, reputation, finances, etc.).

I still have periods of wondering if I am just crazy- maybe he is not having an affair and did, in fact, want to get away from me like he has said. As we know, waywards can be very convincing in their DENIAL and all the roadblocks I've come up against in finding proof has been taking a toll.

Anway, my question is this: What plan should I be in right now? I have not been trying to talk much to my WH, however I did tell him that I still loved him and wanted to make our marriage work (His reply, "Thank you".). I don't want to make a mistake with this (I feel I have already screwed up so much) but I want to work the best plan while I'm trying to find out who OW is.

Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 895
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 895
What happened with the PI Sidney? I'm not sure waht you can do blind.


God's Blessings,

Say


Me, BW-57
FWH 54
4 kids and 4 grandbabies between us
In recovery since D-day, May 28,2007
FWH never onboard the MB boat but still clinging to the side.
One day at a time by God's grace.
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 383
S
SidneyT Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 383
The PI was a miserable failure. Way too busy with 'criminal cases' to be bothered with my case, and after one month still had not bothered to even find WH office! Wouldn't even return my calls until several days later. Fired that one and am now trying to find another...I live in a small area and that PI was the only game in town.

Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 895
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 895
Whoop up a good Plan A, Sidney. It is not just a plan to show WH what a terrific W you could be but it is for you. It is a self awareness/self improvement plan. Get and read the books Love Busters and Fall in Love, Stay in love. Read everything on site about Plan A and other threads where folks are in Plan A.

Does he pick up your DD at your house? Be pleasant when you talk to him, make small talk about family things, make sure your home is warm and inviting. Start doing some things for you, work out, get your nails done. Let him know that you would prefer to work on your M but you are moving on with your life. You can make it obvious that you care for him without using the words.

There are many Plan A pros on here who will give you excellent advice and ideas and cheer you on.

God's Blessings,

Say


Me, BW-57
FWH 54
4 kids and 4 grandbabies between us
In recovery since D-day, May 28,2007
FWH never onboard the MB boat but still clinging to the side.
One day at a time by God's grace.
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 383
S
SidneyT Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 383
Say, thank you so much! I have been floundering and spinning my wheels so much the past two months, so it is really nice to actually have a plan!!!

Plan A, here I come.

Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 895
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 895
So when do you start? How much contact do you have with him? Does he ever come to your house?

God's Blessings,

Say


Me, BW-57
FWH 54
4 kids and 4 grandbabies between us
In recovery since D-day, May 28,2007
FWH never onboard the MB boat but still clinging to the side.
One day at a time by God's grace.
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 383
S
SidneyT Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 383
I start now!

Contact has been minimal, just sometimes seeing him when he comes to get/drop off DD. Before now I would have a hard time even looking at him, let alone speaking to him, but I have been a lot nicer lately and have engaged in conversation more. I confess, in the past I ignored his texts and phone calls as much as possible, but I have now been answering him and even starting some of them myself.

In the past when he came to our house he would stay outside, but I will now make a point to invite him in and and make sure it is very pleasant and inviting. One of the last times he came over we were all out in the backyard playing with the neighborhood kids, which is something he always enjoyed.

Just yesterday he said he needed some warmer clothes so I packed some up for him and offered to take them to his place (I was going to be in town already for something else)...even went in for a tour of his apartment.

As for my own growth, I have been working a lot on myself both physically (working out, eating healthy), spiritually (reading the Bible again and leaning on God completely) and emotionally (starting therapy with psychologist this week). I have tried to stay active and do things out of the norm for me (taking kids new places, socializing more, etc.).

I have realized how much I neglected stuff, both in myself and in our marriage. I can see the benefit in addressing this and making changes, hopefully for our future together but if not, then at least I will be a happier more fulfilled person.

Oh, and I am reading, reading, reading all I can about Plan A!

Last edited by SidneyT; 03/28/10 06:05 PM.
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 895
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 895
Hooray for you! Plan A will prepare you for whatever happens. Even though I realized that my WH's A was 100% his decision, Plan A provided me with the opportunity to take an honest look at what kind of wife I had been and how I had contributed to the condition of our pre A M. I read the books, I learned to listen more than I talked, I figured out what my WH's ENs were, I learned to control my lovebusters and I prayed night and day that God would help me to love my H as God loved him, to value him as God valued him, to love him as God loved him, to forgive him as God forgives me and to be the best W that I could possibly be. As I felt myself changing, miracle of miracles, my H began to change back into the man that I had married. I honestly believe that even if he had not turned back into that loving man, the new Plan A me would have been more capable of dealing with that.

I don't mean to imply that it was overnight. There was alot of anger and grief to get through and it took months to get beyond the betrayal and trickle truth but this site, the good people on this forum and Plan A was the beginning for us.

I wish you well, I will be your cheerleader and I will add you to my MB prayer list.

God's Blesssings,

Say


Me, BW-57
FWH 54
4 kids and 4 grandbabies between us
In recovery since D-day, May 28,2007
FWH never onboard the MB boat but still clinging to the side.
One day at a time by God's grace.
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 895
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 895
How's it going Sid??? You ok?

God's Blessings,

Say


Me, BW-57
FWH 54
4 kids and 4 grandbabies between us
In recovery since D-day, May 28,2007
FWH never onboard the MB boat but still clinging to the side.
One day at a time by God's grace.
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 383
S
SidneyT Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 383
Thanks for checking on me, Say.

Things are OK. I now know why eveyone talks about the rollercoaster ride infidelity takes us on. My feelings are all over the place! Some days I feel so strongly I want to try to save our marriage, and other days (like today) I have times of thinking there's just no way we would ever be able to overcome everything (like my WH said on D-Day, "There's just too much"). That's where I put my faith in God and know He will work things out for the best.

One thing I am so greatful for is that I have seemed to moved past the extreme punched-in-the-gut pain that I had been feeling. Is two months the magic mark for that? Or is it just a matter of time before that returns?

I've also had questions of wondering if my husband is Bipolar (I've wondered/suspected for years). Reading about spouses of Bipolar people is so eerie in the similarities. Of course, I know the addiction of the affair can make waywards act crazy, too....it's hard to know what's really going on since I don't know the truth.

Also, I've noticed WH has added almost every single one of his old girlfriends/interests/close female friends on his Facebook...something we of course had as a boundary in our marriage that we wouldn't do. Don't know why that should be so shocking and hurtful, since I think he's actually having an affair with someone, but it is.

Also, WH and DD-7 are leaving tomorrow to take the trip that we had been planning on taking together as a family for almost a year. It's stunning to me how much a wayward spouse gets to decide in so many people's lives.

I heard from my sister-in-law last night who said, I know (WH full name)'s beliefs and values and I KNOW he hasn't been unfaithful. Uh, ok. His mom has said the same thing, of course.


Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 383
S
SidneyT Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 383
I need help!!!!

My WH just responded to an e-mail I sent him (it was about things like taxes and our DD's Dr. appt., etc) and then out of the blue he started talking about why he left.

He said that he did not leave me for the girl who left the FB mssg. and he of course said he was not having an affair with either that girl or anyone else.

Then he said, "I'm not against talking to you about all that has happened. I don't know if you would ever believe this, but it was all the other stuff and feeling like I was dying...not because of YOU but because of the relationship and all that it had put us through. I still feel like I have been running on a treadmill the past two months (since he left) and I don't feel any differently about us now then I did then.I don't blame you for filing for divorce and I honest to God hope you are doing OK".

I REALLY need some guidance here on how to respond to this...is he trying to open a door to communicate or is this just more denial and justification?

I originally responded to his legal separation with a divorce, however I rescended that and now have replied back with only an agreement to a legal separation, so I'm not sure why he still thinks I filed for divorce.

This is the most he has communicated with me about 'us' since he left, so I'd really like to not screw this up by replying in the wrong way.


Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
What he is saying is blah, blah, blah, blah, blah..............

He IS having an affair and wants to throw you off track, probably so you will go easy on him in case of divorce.


Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 383
S
SidneyT Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 383
The other strange thing he said was that me filing for divorce 'forced him to fight back just for his relationship with DD'.

That makes no sense, because he was the one that filed for the legal separation in the first place and had all the visitation already lined out at that time. My request for divorce (which has since been dropped) was only in response to his original filing.

And I've always been very flexible about him seeling our DD, so I'm not sure what he means by saying he had to fight back just to have a relationship with her???

Is this just a case of trying to blame me in order to alieviate his own guilt?

OK, I just re-read my post and I think this is just a case of fog babble. Am I right?

I'm still wondering how I should respond to his e-mail. Should I try to talk about the relationship or will that get me anywhere since he's in the fog?

Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 383
S
SidneyT Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 383
Originally Posted by believer
What he is saying is blah, blah, blah, blah, blah..............

He IS having an affair and wants to throw you off track, probably so you will go easy on him in case of divorce.

We must have been posting at the same time.

OK, I totally get that it's blah. Do I ignore everything he said or respond to any of it?

Thank you!

Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
You can write back and let him know you understand that he was dying, that you don't want the same old marriage back, and you are sorry for your part in the way things went.

Please don't try to make sense of his blathering, it will just drive you crazy. He knows that he is having an affair, he knows that he filed.

Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 383
S
SidneyT Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 383
Originally Posted by believer
You can write back and let him know you understand that he was dying, that you don't want the same old marriage back, and you are sorry for your part in the way things went.

Thank you, I really appreciate it. I will tell him just that.

Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 383
S
SidneyT Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 383
Question: Why do men get their testosterone levels checked? Or rather, why would a married man who is separated from his wife and is 'supposedly' not seeing anyone else get his testosterone level checked?

I recently discovered that my WH got his checked about two weeks after he moved out. The only other time he has ever had it checked was when we were about to get married and he was concerned about his level being too low (i.e., performance and drive).

Tomorrow we have a court hearing about our legal separation and he just texted me saying he wants to talk afterward. I have no idea what this is about, part of me thinks he is going to tell me that he's ready to file for D. ???


Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 895
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 895
Sydney, I think that you already know the answer to that. Your gut has already told you that there is an A. His actions point to it. I know that you want to believe that he is not but I would be very surprised if that were the case.

What has happened in the ten days since you last posted. Have you been able to initiate any Plan A activities? How did you find out about the testing?

God's Blessings,

Say


Me, BW-57
FWH 54
4 kids and 4 grandbabies between us
In recovery since D-day, May 28,2007
FWH never onboard the MB boat but still clinging to the side.
One day at a time by God's grace.
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 383
S
SidneyT Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 383
Well, WH has filed for divorce! We had another court hearing this morning (about legal separation) and WH has changed his petition to divorce.

He said he wanted to talk to me afterward, and I guess I don't know what I was expecting but I was very hurt.

He twisted everything around and, of course, re-wrote all of our history. He told me that not only had he been considering leaving for the past year (as he said earlier) but now he said he was miserable and wanting out our entire marriage!!!

He said he's doing better (since he's been gone) and that it seemed like I was doing better.

He said he wanted things to be on friendly terms and I told him I was interested in being his wife, not his friend and that I would NOT be his friend.

I was so mad and hurt. And of course he keeps denying there is someone else.

I feel completely defeated and like there is no hope. I'm mad, and I'm mad at God for keeping OW and the TRUTH about what is going on in my marriage hidden.

I don't really see the purpose in trying to talk to him anymore...nothing he says makes sense and he twists everything around to try to justify what he's doing.

Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 895
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 895
hug Sydney. You did great in what you told him. Do not help him with his D. Don't stop til you find out who OW is. You know there is one. Find her and expose their filthy secret.

God did not do this. WH did. Keep your friendship open with God, you are going to need him and I would keep up your Plan-A wnenever you get the opportunity, texts, e-mails, when he picks up your DD. Your mantra should be I don't talk D, just M.

You will be able to regroup and continue in a few days. Filing does not a D make.

God's Blessings,

Say


Me, BW-57
FWH 54
4 kids and 4 grandbabies between us
In recovery since D-day, May 28,2007
FWH never onboard the MB boat but still clinging to the side.
One day at a time by God's grace.
Page 6 of 7 1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,116 guests, and 67 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5