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(I'm high on prednisone, that's MY excuse) I just got my prescription for prednisone today (to get rid of this crud I keep coming down with). Shall we do some fancy tricks while we're flying high? 
"Your actions are so loud that I can't hear a word you're saying!"
BW M 44 yrs to still-foggy but now-faithful WH. What/how I post=my biz. Report any perceived violations to the Mods.
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Pep Hope this helps. I was reluctant to post but then I saw SOS post. This is 2 alcoholics/addicts-A's on both sides. If you wouldn't mind answering some questions:
Keep in mind this was in the summer of 1987-Not much MB's around 4 help. I was newly sober with about 9 months clean.. I had numerous ONS during my drinking days. My W remembers more than I do. This A was different. I was sober and it lasted about 4 months with the same OW.
This was a Revenge Affair because of wifes two previous A's. Not that my ONS had anything to do with that.........Totally crazy mess.
1. Did you want to end your A, but did not know how?
I had a GF cheat on me 3 years b4 M. At that time I cut all ties and avoided her like the plague. If I saw her coming (she did not want to break up)
I went the other way. I even moved to a different town to avoid her..
Deep inside me I knew how to end the A. Take out the knife and cut all ties avoid her. No real motivation to. I did not want to until I had some type of promise from my W.
I think they call that cake eating don't they?
2. Did you fear that if you "dumped" OW, she would expose the A?
YES-I knew she would be PI$$ED OFF
I was no where near ready for her reaction. She was loud and included her family. Her daddy and brothers were gonna punch me out/kill me.
OW crapped all over me to any one who would listen. Stories came back from other friends for months after. Most were not even remotely true. She stalked my W showing up at places she knew she would be just to intimidate. She called her on the phone when she knew I was at work and told total lies about us being together here and there. I logged every moment of my day or stayed around trusting friends when I found out this was going on.
3. Did you hope OW would "dump" you?
In retrospect definately yes. At the time no- I did not love her and she definately did not meet my needs like my W. I was never honest from the getgo about my feelings of really wanting to get back together with my W. I lied to OW about W and W about OW. I was just an average dishonest cake eater WH with all the same stall tactics and scripts that comes with being a wayturd. Even with that I did not want to loose my fix unless I had another one.
4. Were you somehow relieved once the whole thing was out in the open?
Tha backlash was crazy trying to deal with OW and W from my own doing. There were nights where I was so paralized with anxiety that I thought I was having a heart attack. I had no idea how to or if I even had the ability or wanted to work out of the situation. I had no support from anywhere. The guilt and shame I placed on myself ate me alive almost constantly. O & H were a foreign concept to me concerning M. I wanted to take it to the grave.
Thank you very much!
#2352185 - Today at 08:35 PM Re: Former wayward husbands (questions) [Re: lousygolfer] Scotland Member Registered: 10/30/09 Posts: 1261 Loc: Ontario, Canada Apparently no where fast. HEHEHE. It is an interesting thought however. I am curious myself to get a peek into the FWH's mind. I wonder if it is different when you are talking to a FWH than a current one. From my POV definately YES In retrospect I would rather die from a sudden heart attack or get struck dead by a car than to go through the whole experience again turning from a WH to a FWH. At the time of the A I truley believed what I was doing was OK because I believed I wasn't hurting anyone. Its the way the whole world is isn't it mentality. I was entitled to do as I pleased because of W's past behavior and actions. At the time it all seemed so real and justified. I was also very naive about M. Even for a very long time after. I was cruel to both woman and saw nothing wrong with it. In the day I would never have come to this forum because I would have been just like NotRomeo. Not what I would want to hear.....JMO Nesre
M 29 yrs
DS 28 DD 18
Me 53 FWH FBS
MTA signed 5/11/2011
D final 5/16/2011
Free.... and going wherever the big guy wants me to go......
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(I'm high on prednisone, that's MY excuse) I just got my prescription for prednisone today (to get rid of this crud I keep coming down with). Shall we do some fancy tricks while we're flying high?
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I went to sleep in the recliner, watching Forensic Files. I don't know what time it was, but it was probably after midnight. I slept better than I have for several nights...better than I would have in bed, I think, since I still have some congestion and the accompanying hacking cough that goes with it.
I'm feeling better, but ain't flyin' high yet! I'm glad I let my H haul my butt to the doctor!
Last edited by Lady_Clueless; 04/13/10 09:30 AM.
"Your actions are so loud that I can't hear a word you're saying!"
BW M 44 yrs to still-foggy but now-faithful WH. What/how I post=my biz. Report any perceived violations to the Mods.
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HMMM - what WOULD you ask a FWW?
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HMMM - what WOULD you ask a FWW? 
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I went to sleep in the recliner, watching Forensic Files. I don't know what time it was, but it was probably after midnight. I slept better than I have for several nights...better than I would have in bed, I think, since I still have some congestion and the accompanying hacking cough that goes with it.
I'm feeling better, but ain't flyin' high yet! I'm glad I let my H haul my butt to the doctor!
I am way better today. 
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In particular, I would never ask a FWW these questions:2. Did you fear that if you "dumped" OW,OM she he would expose the A?
3. Did you hope OW OM would "dump" you?
If a WW dumps her single OM, he's usually hurt, and gets a new girlfriend, just not as quickly.
In general, if a WW gets dumped by the OM, she is really, really hurt and angry, utterly rejected.
If a WW gets dumped, she is the one more likely to keep asking for "closure" .... which is the WW's way to restart the A.
Remember, I said "in general".
I was thinking of the "run of the mill" WW ... with this situation.
Career WW's are "people of the lie" ... and you cannot ask them these sorts of questions.
Because they are sociopaths.
Last edited by Pepperband; 04/13/10 11:29 AM.
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Your right - career Waywards are users - be they women or men. They are con artists. Using their bodies to manipulate to get what they want. They dont actually care about their spouse or their affair partner. They dont think like normal folks...They lack a concionse (sp?) They are steps away from other crimes (if they are not already committing them)...they would steal to make themselves happy. They would kill to keep themselves happy...they can justify any action.
I dont know what I would ask other FWWs...I am still trying to figure out how I went so nuts in the first place. thought maybe your questions could help me gets some insight.
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Sister Reed .... Aphelion wrote:I sure wish I knew then what I know now -some, I think almost all actually, adulterers will commit adultery whenever they have a chance to even if their spouse is meeting all their ENs, all the time. It is simply who they are.
He often looks at questions (even questions intended for MEN), Aphelion answers them for his sociopath WW , and then comes to some sort of conclusion about all waywards.
You'll get used to it.
It's his way of coping.
Trying to make sense of his life married to a sociopath.
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HMMM - what WOULD you ask a FWW? Did you ever think about the pain you are causing your Bh? Or your children? Is / Was it really worth all of the lies and stealing, and sneaking around trying not to get caught? What happened that allowed you to think that your actions were ok? If you are no longer in the A, and value your Bh, what is the biggest reason you returned?
Last edited by 1stepforward; 04/13/10 01:09 PM.
Bh-me-45
xWW- 45
Married 15years, together for 20
served D papers on 6/2/09
Divorce final 12/19/2010
Custody of our 3 kids
DD 12
DS 10
DD 7
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Deerhunter, thank you for your response. My DH has told me millions of times the same thing you wrote because these questions are EXACTLY what a BW wants to know. Especially this answer:
Yes, tried very hard to show her so much disrespect that she would go, it didn't work.
I didn't believe my FWH when he told me this so many times. I have always doubted it because I read on these boards about how exciting and exhilerating an A is for the WH. My DH doesn't think that he was so great and he says over and over how miserable he was while he was in it.
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Deerhunter, thank you for your response. My DH has told me millions of times the same thing you wrote because these questions are EXACTLY what a BW wants to know. Especially this answer:
Yes, tried very hard to show her so much disrespect that she would go, it didn't work.
I didn't believe my FWH when he told me this so many times. I have always doubted it because I read on these boards about how exciting and exhilerating an A is for the WH. My DH doesn't think that he was so great and he says over and over how miserable he was while he was in it.
To help the BW's reading along better understand their H's.
PERFECT !
Thanks!
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My WH is still an active WH rather than a FWH, but I am trying to understand why it is so hard to end the affair so I am very interested in question # 1.
My WH says he really wants to end it. He has broken it off several times but he always goes back.
Now, he is talking about breaking it off again and it just seems like he makes it so complicated, like he has to come up with the perfect words and plan to get rid of her. He knows she will argue with him, she will be upset, she will feel led on etc...
By the way, I think feeling led on is a bunch of crap. She was married when she met WH. WH was married with two children. She knew me and his children because they were co-workers. So she starts up an adulterous relationship and feels led on - gimme a break!
Me = BW
Dday = 12/1/09
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HMMM - what WOULD you ask a FWW? When did you finnally understand that it wasn't all about your feelings but everyone elses? Why didn't you beg for help before you gave up? If you did and H wouldn't change did you warn him first that you were thinking of divorce? Did you send a Pastor, Preist< Mom, DAd, your best freind to him to talk? Did you move to a nuetral safe place to give him time to be seriuos? What part of Love, Honor, Cherish, forsaking all others till death do you part did you not understand? Last but not least... Are you and H in love now and have you heard of MB?
Me 56 Former BS Widowed 5-17-09 --married 25 years. 4 children DS-35 previous marriage--18-22 DGrandSons 6 and 4 Me former BS DD-29 with DGDs 5 and 1yr DSs 26 and 23 Teilhard de Chardin..“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” ...Sounds about right to me.
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HMMM - what WOULD you ask a FWW? When did you finnally understand that it wasn't all about your feelings but everyone elses? Why didn't you beg for help before you gave up? If you did and H wouldn't change did you warn him first that you were thinking of divorce? Did you send a Pastor, Preist< Mom, DAd, your best freind to him to talk? Did you move to a nuetral safe place to give him time to be seriuos? What part of Love, Honor, Cherish, forsaking all others till death do you part did you not understand? Last but not least... Are you and H in love now and have you heard of MB?
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If a WW dumps her single OM, he's usually hurt, and gets a new girlfriend, just not as quickly. We are all so NOT unique, aren't we? OM got a new g/f so fast it made my head spin. I am so THANKFUL that he did because it helped me moving on so much easier.
Faith
me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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If a WW dumps her single OM, he's usually hurt, and gets a new girlfriend, just not as quickly. We are all so NOT unique, aren't we? OM got a new g/f so fast it made my head spin. I am so THANKFUL that he did because it helped me moving on so much easier. 
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Maybe it's too early for me to answer since some of you know that I am early in my situation...
1. Did you want to end your A, but did not know how?
Yes
2. Did you fear that if you "dumped" OW, she would expose the A?
Yes
3. Did you hope OW would "dump" you?
Yes, tried very hard to show her so much disrespect that she would go, it didn't work.
4. Were you somehow relieved once the whole thing was out in the open?
Yes, I am relieved that I don't have anything to hide and am very optimistic about the future Thank you, deerhunter for your honest answers! My H, much like you, would not "dump" OW he just got increasingly cold to her hoping she would "go away". What he failed to realize for a long time was the difference between men and women where sex is concerned. You see for a long time he continued to take her up on the offers of sex, even after his "feelings" for her were gone. He thought it was easier to "shut her up" by doing this, instead it fueled her belief there was hope for "them" and that I was the problem keeping them apart. This started her obessesively tracking me down via email, phone calls and even here on MB. She thought she could get me to quit. Once he finally realized he could not live with himself being so far away from the man God wants him to be and realizing she was still believing they were going to be together some day, he stopped the PA. HOWEVER once again he under estimated the power of the OW's mind to turn anything into hope for the future and he continued to see/speak to her (because of the OC) behind my back for nearly two more years. He hated himself. He hated living the lie but his history has been taking the "path of least resistance" (his words not mine) so he continued this until I found out yet again about the secret cell phone and all the lies. Seeing you put in writing that you also took that path of least resistance helps me understand my H a little bit better.
Faith
me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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Mine did the same thing, faithy; the affair began to be more trouble than it was worth, when OW became increasingly bonkers. The bonkersness developed after D Day, when he had to finally make clear that he would not leave me. Until then, he had been saying that he could not leave his kids. I set him free on D Day, and he would not go. He had to explain that to her.
He began to be increasingly cold to her (she told her H, who told me), but always took opportunities for more sex sessions. She too tried to manipulate me into leaving him, including sending him text messages with lurid details of their sex sessions, knowing that I would read them. She admitted to me that she wrote them for me to read.
Mine too continued to speak to OW for months after the PA ended, lying meanwhile about this to me. That phase only ended when I exposed to her H.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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