On April Fool's Day?

I accidentally crashed into his car. He came to the house in the morning, with my permission, to get some things of his. I knew he was at the house, but got into my car to leave, and pulled right into him.

How's that for karma? My car was fine. His car? Had to be loaded onto a flatbed and hauled off. Undriveable. Oops.

I then took my kids, on their spring break, and left town for the week. It was good to get away, and have no pressure. Or at least, notmuch pressure. I hung out with my friends from home, most of whom have no real idea what's going on, so in a small way, it was good to feel like I had no pressure for explanation, or anything to really work on. It was very nice.

WH wants to come home. He's stopped the crazy talk, for the most part. I've seen him a few times, for different interactions. He's up and down. He doesn't talk about her to me at all anymore. Not a word. Which is nice. But then again, he gets very little opportunity for contact.

I don't think he should be allowed to be home. I think he needs to be, or at least needs to be trying, to be very positive and willing to try hard with me. I can't carry him at all anymore. I can't take a negative reaction.

I just don't know how long to wait.

He is going to therapy twice a week. It usually makes him angry right after therapy, then exceedingly calmer by the next day.

Sigh.

I am. Not on purpose, but I am!

It really does mean a lot to me that y'all were worried.

I promise to be better about checking in. I just withdrew because I had to stop thinking about it all so much. I tend to obsess, and it was interfering with how I could care for myself, think about myself, and do my job with my kidlets.

But I know I'm in a better, stronger place now. I think I was more run down from all the leadup to the exposure and the explosions afterwards than I realized.

I like the idea of looking at it that way. I just can't look at a date on a calendar. I want the whole picture to look better, if he"s capable.

Did I mention the car was new?

LOL!

He told me the therapist has really started to talk to him about the why of his affair. He was very upset this week after therapy, then was calmer.

He said the therapist said what I said- that his relationship with the OW was more parental and caretaking than romantic. And his attachment to her was deep because she wasn't an independent thinker, and she was deeply into reality testing. She just accepted what he said without much investigation, and also let him very much tell her what to do.

The therapist told him that would never be a need that people in an equal relationship can fill. That's not how real partners work together.

He didn't like that at all. But the next day, he told me that he knew it had to be true.

"oopsie"

[quote=RidicSit]Did I mention the car was new?

quote]

LOVE IT!!!!!

Welcome back.

God's Blessings,

Say

I know, right?

He thought I was kidding when I came in and said I hit the car.

He said "Ha! April Fool's!"

Me? "Um, notsomuch!"

Thanks, Say!

Ridic,

I'm relieved to see you back. I haven't posted to you much, but I've been following along with a morbid fascination.

The funny thing is, my dad did the same thing to my car years ago. I was over visiting and parked in the driveway. He got into his car in the garage to go somewhere and BAM.

Hang in there. It sounds like things are slowly moving in the right direction.

Bea

Glad you are back, and yes, we were worried. Set the bar high for letting him back.

Rid- You were sorely missed. I am glad that it was you just taking care of you. It is a little funny about the car. Especially since it happened on April 1st. That must have been an interesting day for you indeed.

As far as what to do with WH, have you asked him about talking to the coaching center? I think that they could get a feel for where his head is at and they would be able to help you too.

I haven't mentioned the coaching center to him ( at one point, a long time ago in this mess, I said that we needed marriage counseling together, and I had the place in mind- meaning here). I was actually thinking I should call and talk, for myself, and see what I should do right now. My therapist here has been great with me, though she wants me off the anti-anxiety meds I was taking, because she thinks I'm a little too calm now (hilarious, really).

It's all he can handle to go see his doc right now, and he struggles with that. I was hoping ( in my grand plan in my head) that once his doc got him stabilized, then we could use the Harleys together.

I don't think, in general, he's even close to be able to come home. I went to dinner and dessert with my eldest daughter, her best friend, and the mama last night, in a different city. A mini road trip. He texted me over and over again, trying to get my attention and upping the ante. I just ignored- no response, and as soon as we were safely home, turned my phone off.

I'm tired.

Okay, you know best. I think it would definitely be a benefit for you to call for yourself. They will be able to advise you better about what YOU should be doing next. Take care of yourself and those kiddos.

I am actually thinking that the little bit of contact I've had with him has been too much. I think what he did last night shows me he doesn't really respect the boundaries I've tried to set up.

I should call for me, though. I do feel, in my gut, that he's not at a point where marriage counseling would be a help to us. I
think he's too far down in his own hole of selfishness to be able to do anything. And the few that I read last night, from his texts, had that edge of blaming me.

And that's not a place I am willing to go with him.

I am definitely going to take care of my babies! Today I am heading out to shop with the eldest, then head to my parents' house and pick up the youngest three. They've had the weekend to be absolutely spoiled by them! LOL!

And here's my main problem.

It's been long enough that I don't understand his devastation at losing her anymore.

I don't understand why he hasn't snapped around and isn't trying to move heaven and earth to be kind and good to me.

She is gone. Way gone. Out of his life. No more.

And yet, I feel like he is still focused on her, the loss of her, like a laser. He's like a teenage girl, and he has no proper perspective. The drips and drabs I hear from his counseling ( and again, I have no idea how much is true), seem to show me that the doc has his number.

I am just not sure how to look at this anymore.

RidicSit,

I, too, have been following your story. I usually don't post much in this section, b/c I'm not a survivor of infidelity. I think folks were worried b/c your H seemed so unstable in your posts.

Do you think you're in danger of losing what love you still have for him, and if this goes on much longer, you're not going to have any interest in reconciling, no matter how much he turns it around?

If the answer is "yes," your LoveBank is near empty and you're a candidate for a true Plan B. Have you considered it? This might be where the Harley's would be a huge help to you.

Martes

Yes. I am finding it harder to figure out why I would want to rebuild with him.

I've B'd for awhile, but then loosen a little. I think the loosening is an absolute mistake.

I need to call them. My personal therapist is great, and she helps me immensely, but her focus is on me, more than on the big picture of the marriage ( which is where she should be, for IC).

I think I need a professional to look at my big picture.