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#2356939 04/18/10 03:06 PM
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So WH and I are reading Surviving an Affair. I've already read it but going over again (can't hurt!!) He says the descriptions Dr. Harvey uses...craving, intoxicated, captivating.. are right on. He remembers standing in the shower one morning thinking when am I going to see OW and realizing this is not good - I should not be planning my day around OW. That was just the beginning.

Man that HURTS!!! How do I accept the depth of this? He says even hugging her was like the first drink to an alcoholic. Glad he is being honest but ahhh. This is brutal.


ME: BS 31y/o H: WS 35y/o DS: 3y/o DD: 1y/o
Married: 10 years OW: co-worker
D-DAY 9/11/08 text messages EA
2ND D-DAY 5/16/09 Walked out together
OFFICIAL D-DAY 12/1/09 (confession)
(EA began 9/08 PA 12/08. PA ended 4/09 but EA continued)
NC letter 1/10
FINAL D-DAY 3/31/10 (continued phone calls and emails)
NC Email 4/10
Recovery 4/12/2010

Still his sunshine = )

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/u...904#Post2347904



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Originally Posted By: Washissunshine
So WH and I are reading Surviving an Affair. I've already read it but going over again (can't hurt!!) He says the descriptions Dr. Harvey uses...craving, intoxicated, captivating.. are right on. He remembers standing in the shower one morning thinking when am I going to see OW and realizing this is not good - I should not be planning my day around OW. That was just the beginning.

Man that HURTS!!! How do I accept the depth of this? He says even hugging her was like the first drink to an alcoholic. Glad he is being honest but ahhh. This is brutal.


Recovery ain't for sissies.

(((( HUGS ))))

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I read your signature. Are you still in Plan A?


FBW in recovery
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Dear Was,

Recovery is very hard. The one thing I can say at this point is that your WH is telling you his deepest emotional thoughts about the affair. This is actually a good thing - because those thoughts USED to be secrets he shared with someone else.

With each secret that he tells you


he breaks the bond with the OW.


Each secret is one thread of the rope that tied him to her.


Listen to each one, and imagine him cutting free of her. Watch her ship being cut loose and drifting off to sea, and never coming back toward you again.


Ask him for more, because as he opens up to you he sees you as his lighthouse.

Be there for him - listen with an open heart. Listen as he tells you things that hurt you, because what you learn from him you can turn into bonds between him and YOU.


SB


Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
Recovered.
Happy.
Most recent D-day Fall 2005
Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.
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Wow, schoolbus, that was great.

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Thank you for the encouragment. It means so much


ME: BS 31y/o H: WS 35y/o DS: 3y/o DD: 1y/o
Married: 10 years OW: co-worker
D-DAY 9/11/08 text messages EA
2ND D-DAY 5/16/09 Walked out together
OFFICIAL D-DAY 12/1/09 (confession)
(EA began 9/08 PA 12/08. PA ended 4/09 but EA continued)
NC letter 1/10
FINAL D-DAY 3/31/10 (continued phone calls and emails)
NC Email 4/10
Recovery 4/12/2010

Still his sunshine = )

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/u...904#Post2347904



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schoolbus....that was awesome. Very encouraging.

Was,

I think that the fact that he is reading the book and opening up to you is HUGE. I wish I could get my H to do the same. That is my goal- I have ordered the book so fingers crossed!


Me: BS 30
WH: 32
Married: 4 Yrs
Together: 14 Yrs
Dday: May 2009
FR: MANY
A: Online EA turned PA January 2009 and again May 2009
FRMLY: Hopeful30
To all WS: "Sometimes we miss happiness by looking too far for things nearby."
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Washi,

""He says even hugging her was like the first drink to an alcoholic.""

This is actually a great breakthrough or milestone for him. He is realizing what it actually was, and not some deep abiding love puke or thinking she is his soul-mate banghead banghead.

The should help him with his withdrawal from the OW.

Like Schoolbus says, take all he has to dish out right on the chin. It will bring you closer to each other.

imho

kirk


CORDUROY PILLOWS ARE MAKING HEADLINES!!
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Thanks everyone. I really appreciate you taking the time to read and comment. Ugh...makes my stomach churn, but I hear what you are saying.

He finished the book today. We've actually completed the EM and LB questionare before, but I think we better go back through.

Had a momentary panic attack today. He didn't answer his phone and I ended up driving to where he was supposed to be. He was there, had his phone on vibrate and didn't feel it. He immediately understood, but AHHHH. The past came flooding in...May 2009 he was not where he was supposed to be and I watched him walk out with OW from his office on a saturday. Not good. ANXIETY.


ME: BS 31y/o H: WS 35y/o DS: 3y/o DD: 1y/o
Married: 10 years OW: co-worker
D-DAY 9/11/08 text messages EA
2ND D-DAY 5/16/09 Walked out together
OFFICIAL D-DAY 12/1/09 (confession)
(EA began 9/08 PA 12/08. PA ended 4/09 but EA continued)
NC letter 1/10
FINAL D-DAY 3/31/10 (continued phone calls and emails)
NC Email 4/10
Recovery 4/12/2010

Still his sunshine = )

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/u...904#Post2347904



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(((WAS)))

Oh, I am sure that all of the "firsts" are going to suck. I have read that it will get better but you have to go through these first. You are doing GRAND. Keep it up. laugh


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Originally Posted By: Washissunshine
Had a momentary panic attack today. He didn't answer his phone and I ended up driving to where he was supposed to be. He was there, had his phone on vibrate and didn't feel it. He immediately understood, but AHHHH. The past came flooding in...May 2009 he was not where he was supposed to be and I watched him walk out with OW from his office on a saturday. Not good. ANXIETY.



Yeah, I remember those. It'll get better as he shows continued transparency.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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So tomorrow is husbands last official day of work so he has to actually go. (He's been taking off the last 2 weeks and starts a new job Monday) I would be lying if I said I wasn't freaking out. OW knows it is his last day and I would be SHOCKED if she doesn't do her best to contact him....based on her past not staying away after him telling her to several times. He is writing out a schedule for me and is planning on being out of HIS office as much as possible. I know he will do his best to stay away from her, but I also know he is addicted....all it takes is the first sip. Many co-workers know and bosses know so it won't be easy, but...this office is BUSY so people are out and about a lot. I guess I have to trust him.
AND just to vent...OW has changes her facebook pic to her wedding day pic. She had only been married a year when she had an A with my husband and does not want things to have ended. I just want to knock her face off. Yes I know I can't be looking at her facebook. Blah


ME: BS 31y/o H: WS 35y/o DS: 3y/o DD: 1y/o
Married: 10 years OW: co-worker
D-DAY 9/11/08 text messages EA
2ND D-DAY 5/16/09 Walked out together
OFFICIAL D-DAY 12/1/09 (confession)
(EA began 9/08 PA 12/08. PA ended 4/09 but EA continued)
NC letter 1/10
FINAL D-DAY 3/31/10 (continued phone calls and emails)
NC Email 4/10
Recovery 4/12/2010

Still his sunshine = )

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/u...904#Post2347904



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Quote:
OW has changes her facebook pic to her wedding day pic


Too bad you can make a "comment" about the pic - "So who'da thought a year later from this day you'd already be cheating?"

Ahem-- back to MB. STOP looking at her FB!! smile

Last edited by princessmeggy; 04/22/10 03:42 PM. Reason: edit to proper slang

Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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SOMEBODY HOLD MY HAND!!
So FWH came home from work (new job) today and told me he was thinking about OW today and wondering how she is. He said he was "longing for her, repulsed by it, and sad". He said he felt like calling her to see how she is, but that he kept thinking how would I tell my wife this and how would she feel about it. He said I know we have read about and talked about withdrawl but this is the first time I've really felt like this.

I know it is a good sign he is telling me this, but DANG it HURTS!!! Need some coping strategies.


ME: BS 31y/o H: WS 35y/o DS: 3y/o DD: 1y/o
Married: 10 years OW: co-worker
D-DAY 9/11/08 text messages EA
2ND D-DAY 5/16/09 Walked out together
OFFICIAL D-DAY 12/1/09 (confession)
(EA began 9/08 PA 12/08. PA ended 4/09 but EA continued)
NC letter 1/10
FINAL D-DAY 3/31/10 (continued phone calls and emails)
NC Email 4/10
Recovery 4/12/2010

Still his sunshine = )

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/u...904#Post2347904



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WHS, my sponsor has one saying that always seems to surface when I least want to hear it. And it always is exactly the thing I need to hear:

"This too, shall pass."


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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at least he was repulsed by it.... there's gotta be some value in that. I like Fred's thing. This too, shall pass. Awesome.


AnnaBelle Rose

Me: 29 WH:31 DS: 22mths M: almost 6 years, together 7 1/2
I am not a mistake. - ABR
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Washis,

Echoing Schoolbus' excellent commentary earlier, this is good.

As much as it hurts to hear, TRUTH IS THE ONLY DISINFECTANT here and it is far, far better for your fWH to be telling YOU than keeping secrets and lying and scapegoating.

Honest, repentant confession --> understanding & bonding --> forgiveness & new beginnings --> healing & love.


xWW:
Secret LTA w/ thrice married OM at her workplace; EA/PA starts ~ 2005-6
Files & completes D - 2007, OM/OMW#3 D - 2007, Affairage - immediately thereafter
Disappears in 2006 w/o even a goodbye to anyone, Never a paragraph of real truth ever spoken
Me/xBH:
M "for life", Suspicions (denied) & desperate Plan A latter-half '06
1st D-day 1/07, full truth D-day 7/08 (all via 3rd parties)
NC w/ xWW 8/08-date, better off w/o unrepentant vileness, betrayal, & rampant deceit in my life anymore
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Thanks guys. It helps just to know I'm not alone.
It just feels impossible to love someone who is longing for someone else.
We've started our scheduled alone time. I can see how that's going to make a huge difference. Man it's tough to fit that many hours in!!
Thanks for the support.


ME: BS 31y/o H: WS 35y/o DS: 3y/o DD: 1y/o
Married: 10 years OW: co-worker
D-DAY 9/11/08 text messages EA
2ND D-DAY 5/16/09 Walked out together
OFFICIAL D-DAY 12/1/09 (confession)
(EA began 9/08 PA 12/08. PA ended 4/09 but EA continued)
NC letter 1/10
FINAL D-DAY 3/31/10 (continued phone calls and emails)
NC Email 4/10
Recovery 4/12/2010

Still his sunshine = )

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/u...904#Post2347904



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I know everyone thinks his telling you this stuff is wonderful, but I know how you feel.

Don't you think..."Jeeze I know this makes YOU feel better, but couldn't ya just hold some of the details back?"

Side note: I come from a long line of people (including my H) who say they are telling me the "truth" to help me- if I like it or not. (sometimes I don't like it!)

Yeowch! sigh


Last edited by barbiecat; 05/04/10 07:02 AM.

Me; W 46
Him; H 46

2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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I often find myself obsessing about OW...
What is she doing?
Is she pretending nothing happened?
How are she and her husband getting along? (he knows)
Is she missing my husband?
Does she wish my husband had chosen her?
How does she feel at work knowing most co-workers know what happened?
Is she angry with herself?
Does she regret it?
Did she ever think of how she was hurting my family?
Why was she so hostile towards me?
Is she going to try to contact my husband?
Is she going to do this again?
Will she divorce her husband?
Etc, etc, etc...

I know it isn't healthy or productive, but I don't stop myself. I want to destroy her life - which is such a waste of thought, energy, and time. But - in this moment I can't help but indulge myself frown


ME: BS 31y/o H: WS 35y/o DS: 3y/o DD: 1y/o
Married: 10 years OW: co-worker
D-DAY 9/11/08 text messages EA
2ND D-DAY 5/16/09 Walked out together
OFFICIAL D-DAY 12/1/09 (confession)
(EA began 9/08 PA 12/08. PA ended 4/09 but EA continued)
NC letter 1/10
FINAL D-DAY 3/31/10 (continued phone calls and emails)
NC Email 4/10
Recovery 4/12/2010

Still his sunshine = )

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/u...904#Post2347904



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