Well it has been 1 1/2 years since my wife had a affair, and I don't think things will ever be the same. We did the canceling and everthing else. We are not arguing any more and the subject doesn't come up. We are getting along good and Communicate very well.
The thing is I don't feel as attracted to her now. It is very seldom that I ever want to make love. It just seems like I lost something that I will never get back. It's hard to explain I just have this dull empty feeling. I talked to her about it and explained that even though I don't feel the same we can make our marrige stronger then ever. It is just going to be a new relationship.
I am saying this to try and comfort her. Honestly I don't know if it is going to work for me.
Anyone else felt this way?

nxs

Are you complaining about the lack of SF or is your WW?

How far removed is the OM removed from your live's?

They say Recovery is harder. Are you are spending the 15 hours of UA?

NXS,

Anyone else felt this way?

Similar, in that I realized that my wife has never been attracted to me in the same way she was pre-affair for the last 20 years. My wife who has a difficult time admitting to anything admitted to that.

Every other aspect of our relationship is fine, but I sometimes feel I�m the one who has to keep our sex life alive. That realization of this has some on slowly to me.

Gamma

nxs, do you find this same lack of enthusiasm in any other areas of your life? Or is it strictly something that you experience with just your W?

Because I'm wondering if you might be depressed or have PTSD. That's not uncommon following an A.

The Road
We are not complaining, other then I wish I had the atraction and wanted her like I used to.
OM been gone about a month after the affair. Wife wants me, that is where I am having problems. It doesn't feel right or the same as before. I feel like it will never come back.

Gamma
My wife is still attracted to me. She said I am all she ever wanted. I am the one that a few times in the past I didn't feel attracted to her. Very seldom. Now I am not at all. I know it's because of the affair. The betrayal. sexual act, ect.I'm not upset anymore, there is just nothing there.

Maritalbliss
Now it is strictly with my wife, At first I was so insecure that I wanted her. That has went away a long time ago.
I do have some depression and taking meds for it.
I am starting to look at other single women with the thought of going out with them and getting to know them. Basicly just have a good time.
There is one girl at work that started chating with me. It started to get hot. She then backed down and said that she was sorry for leading me on. She said that she doesn't date men that are in a relationship, it is a strict rule of hers.
I asked her if I was single would she be interested in me. She said I would. I guess I am starting to think about leaving her.I just can't right now. I don't know what to do.

A good start would be not lying to her. A M without O&H is doomed regardless of whether there has been an A. Have you read the basic concepts here?

God's Blessings,

Say

nxs,

My observation here is that you are probably spending more time occupied by thinking about other women, working on seducing other women, and pondering things about how to work your way OUT of this marriage


than you are on meeting your wife's emotional needs.


I think you have neglected this marriage. And now, you feel pretty complacent about the marriage, and your wife, and you are seeing the effects of that.


Think about two houses, both that have flower gardens. One guy tends the garden with love and devotion. He gives the flowers food, takes care of them, pulls the weeds, waters them, and takes the time to look them over and watch them grow. He enjoys the flowers and watches them closely to be sure they are getting what they need to grow.

When one area of the garden looks like it needs more attention, he works that area harder. He makes sure he puts in a little more time over there, nourishing that soil and talking tenderly to those plants.

He has a beautiful fence around his garden, to protect it from stray dogs and cats. They dig around in the garden and ruin the flowers, spray all over it, and do their dirty "deeds" and mess up the soil. He took the time to built that fence, and he maintains that fence to be sure it has no holes in it. At the same time, he wants the fence to be as beautiful as the garden itself, because the fence is actually a part of the garden. It is as much a foundation of the garden as the soil and the trees and the water he puts into it. So he makes sure it is painted, and his family looks to see that the vines and flowers can climb and flourish on the fence as well.


The neighbor isn't as good a gardener. He believes that plants, once established, kind of grow on their own. They should be able to find their own nourishment, and "know" what is good for them, and that plants are capable of finding what they need on their own. He put them in the ground, and from that point on, his job is to add water. The plants really are supposed to do the rest of the work.

He doesn't really like the look of fences, because they are too restrictive. Plants have natural protective qualities, and they will ward off pests and the like. They can weather through weeds, and he might pull out the major ones, but the minor ones he will ignore. Unless, of course, they get to be big issues.



What's happened to the second gardener? His yard is overgrown and full of weeds. The money he spent initially has been wasted, and he has nothing to show for it. He blames the plants and the soil and the neighbor's dogs for his problems.


He sees the first guy's house and thinks about how beautiful the yard looks. He knows that THOSE flowers are perfect, and believes that if THOSE flowers were in his own yard, THEY would grow nicely and he would not have this weed issue. THOSE flowers are probably better anyway, because they are probably a better variety, probably have better root systems, probably need less tending, probably smell better too.......

So he bulldozes his yard, yanks out everything growing all around him. And he goes around looking to plant new flowers in the yard.


The whole time, all he needed to do, was tend to the yard he already had.




SB

nxs,

I see you were here, and then...

I love the garden story. It's perfect - thanks for sharing!

Yes I do have other problems. I used to be very active. Always had something to do. Other things are creating problems. Our money situation is very bad. We went from living in a very nice big home that I built, to now a rental because of filing BK, due to my wife not working for 1 1/2 years. She was messed up on drugs that were being prescribed to her, and finding more on her own. I finally had enough and kicked her out of the house. I told her the only way she could come back was to stop taking everything but her antidepressents.

She went to live with her mom and got off the other drugs long enough to relize that she was really messed up. I let her come back home. By then she had allready messed up her relationship with me, my son,and daughter.

We should of went to counceling then, She finally mended most of the relationship with the kids. We never really made any progress though. I was happy that she was off the drugs, but I had such resentment towards her for what she did. I was depressed about our money problems, my job, loosing our house, and so on.

It wasn't about six months that she found a new drug. She went back to work,and a salesman there started seducing her, with only one thing in mind.He was just using her to get what he wanted. Which was a PA an then a way out of his marriage after it happened.

I am not the same person I was, and I do not feel the same about my wife. I don't know if a divorce is the answer or to keep working on our relationship, which is being very hard for me because of the lack of attraction I have for her.

Since the affair we have been through counseling and we get along fine. The thing is it is not the same for me. There is nothing there.

I have a decision to make here shortly. My son is going into the army in june, and my daughter will be starting college. I wish things could be the same but is just somthing in my gut that is causing me to feel the way i do. I have been on antidepressents ever since D day, and they don't seem to be helping.

Well I feel like I am just rambling on. I'm sure I have PTSD. but is that effecting the way I feel towards my wife. I guess time will tell. Sorry this is so long and strung out. That is just the way I am now, and I really don'now what to do.

I will get back later on some of the other replies.

I'm noi lying. I told her the way I feel and about the girl at work. I said I understand the feeing you get when it happens.I was flattered, and I felt good for a while. Then I related it to what probaly happened with my wife. I could not go there.

Um, nsx I think it's pretty likely that you would have gone there if the girl at work hadn't shut things down [So Far!]...Do you still work with this woman? That is a dangerous situation...You should not have contact with her...Many affairs begin just as you have described - right down to one of the people backing off - AT FIRST...Serious boundaries have already been crossed...That is a BAD situation - you have already started down the path of rationalizations and justifications...I hear them loud and clear, whether you do or not - you MUST not be around that woman...even your saying "I could not go there" is a part of it - In fact that part, is how you are even able to allow yourself to be around the woman at all - you have created a false sense of security for yourself by saying "I could/would never do that" - you think your sense of morality and will power will keep you safe - It won't - the only thing that will is to put iron clad boundaries in place which would include NC with this woman who you have already opened up a dangerous can of worms with...I pray you will heed my warning...

nsx, your wife just ending the affair does NOT equal recovery...In order for the Marriage Builders program to work, you have to work it...In order for feelings of romantic love to occur between you and your wife, you must be spending AT LEAST 15 hours per week together - [more when you are in crisis] - and during that time, the two of you must be meeting the 4 INTIMATE EMOTIONAL NEEDS which are...

1. Recreational Companionship
2. Intimate Conversation
3. Affection
4. Sexual Fulfillment

If you want to fix this, that is what you will have to do - and yes, at first it will feel "forced" - do it anyway...If you do that while simultaneously eliminating love busters, you CAN have an incredible marriage. Are you willing?

Mrs. W

When you are in a depression your love bank does not work properly. Your wife won't be able to make any deposits, because in depression a person is not capable to feel positive feelings for most of the time.

Before you make any life-changing decisions, make sure you get your depression treated. If you are on anti-depressant medication you should notice a difference after 2 months maximum. If you are still depressed after so much time, you should change medication.

Second, antidepressants are famous for their disastrous effect on your libido. Here you go. You have been on medication for 1,5 years that may not work for you and which causes the very problem that makes you even more depressed.

Please talk to your psychiatrist and lood for medication or behavioural therapy, which do not have these side effects.

Third you do not mess with other women, before you get your act together at home.

To help fight depression (and low libido) there are things you can do yourself:

- Get up at a decent time, same time every morning
- physical exercise EVERY DAY 30 mins minimum, preferrably outside (sun and exercise are positive, and btw exercise means you - should be sweating)
- eat fat fish
- eat bananas
- eat eggs and liver
- cut down on junk food
- plan nice things with your wife (picnic does not cost, watch funny movies etc. even if you do not feel like it, or cannot enjoy it, please try to.

Then chart out your mindset every day from -3 to +3 -3 being deeply depressed and +3 being normal and cheerful. In the course of 3 or four weeks you should see improvement when compared to the weeks before. If you do not notice any change consult your psychiatrist.

The above will help improvement in mild depression most of the time.

Take care.

MrsWondering

I will try not to go there. Even if I was interested, wanted revenge, or what ever. Why? First of all down deep I know I want to make things work with my wife. Most of the time it is like an effort. The last thing I want to do is try to work on a relationship with someone else, being a affair, or a divorce, and trying to find someone else.
It just depends on how I am feeling on any certian day. Here lately it has been like you said "forced", it doen't feel right. There are a few times I do feel very close to her and it's like nothing bothers me. I am happy, I can hold her, ect. and it feels like it did in the best of times.
Maybe I am over thinking the way I should be feeling. With everthing going on it is normal to feel a little down. I just need to look towards the future, and things are going to get better with work.
Like you listed, I beleive I need to work on the recreational companionship the most, and maybe the other things will follow.
As far as working with the other women I still do. She is a dispatcher, and I am a manager out in the field. I have a lap top in my truck that has a broad band connection most of the time. It is used for my job and I have to have it up and running. We have a company email with chat. The way she started talking to me for the couple days was with the chat. I have turned the chat off now. All I need is the email for my job. She has not tried to make contact with me since then. I have had a few emails from her but they were strictly buiness. I didn't even need to reply to them.
I do still see her in the office sometimes, but I don't go over and talk to her anymore. That is the way I am going to try to keep it. If she does try to make contact again I will have to set the boundries as you suggested.
This is the worst thing that I have ever went through and I can't fix it instantly. I have always had a way to deal with things, or fix them. It is still very hard!

Thanks

happyheart

You are right. I was on one Lexapro for several months and I was feeling great until I realized I had no interest in sex. That really bothered me and I know it was effecting my wife. I had to take Viagra when we was sexualy intimite, and it wasn't enjoyable for me at all!
I switched to Celexa a couple months ago and it doesn't work near as well. I have been getting real anxious since then and the Dr give me Xanex to take to. I think I need to go back and try something else, or maybe quit all together, It takes so long to see if the meds work, and to find out about any bad side effects.
I do need to start going to bed and getting up at the same time. I have such a hard time falling to sleep sometimes. Like I said I have always been very active all my life. I need to just start making myself do the things I used to do, and get some exercise. I also need to do some of the other things you listed.

Thanks

schoolbus

We have both neglected the marriage and have admitted to it. I have not been trying to seduce any women. I had been thinking that things might not work out so I start noticing other women and wonder how hard will it be to find someone else if we don't work things out. All men and women look or notice other attractive people. It's like I have been looking in a different way. I really don't know how to explain. I don't do it all the time, it's just when I get down and think things are not going to work.
I know what you are saying about the gardens. I know I need to initiate and spend more recreational time with her. I need to talk to her about her helping initiate things as well. I know it will lead to a better relationship if we start with that.
I also need to get my meds right, or just quit them. I believe that will help me.

Thanks for your input and story!

nxs450,

Sorry you are experiencing this. In reading your posts you do sound depressed but you also seem to be experiencing your own version of mid life crisis or "the glass half empty instead of the glass half full".

After my M broke up I was devastated and very depressed. I was going to try AD but never do well with medication and always experience many side effects.

Joined this board, made new friends and reached out to people which was difficult for me since I was the one who handled everyone and controlled everything (what was I thinking).

You do have choices. If you keep drifting you will be the WS causing the pain that you have experienced. Remember how that felt when it happened. No pain has ever been worse in my life.

Stop the "what ifs".

If I find someone else?
If someone else will not dissapoint me?
If my financial circumstances were different?

and the list goes on.

Sometimes we can't change our circumstances we can only change ourselves.

You have a choice. You can wake up and chose to be happy. You can chose to work on your M instead of acting like a visitor in your own life. Don't get into that mindset that the grass is greener on the other side. It's probably greener because it is growing over a septic tank.

Really read the analogy that schoolbus posted. It makes perfect sense. She has a way of looking at the whole picture. Stop looking at one snapshot.

Blessings.