I got into his phone and saw all the proof that I needed to close this chapter of my life (i think.) Here is a quick background.
I am 31 he is 32. Married for the past 9 yrs. Been together since we were 15. We have a 9yr old, 7yr old, and 3 week old.

I know a handful of times that he has cheated. I know there are way more than that. We have discussed our issues and discussed the infedlities. I have left in the past but now we bought our first home and have moved out of state away from his family and friends. I am not leaving nor am i selling.

I knew since I was pregnant and we were not intimate that he was sleeping with someone else. never had proof to address it till now. never home never comes home. and obviously not sleeping wtih me. i was in to have sex but he was never intersted while preg.

Baby is here and its only been a few weeks.

My question is how do i handle this situation with the upper hand? I have all of the proof i need to question him and catch every lie he tries to throw to me. Trust me, we have been here NUMEROUS times!!

Hes been talking to this girl almost everyday for the past month. Texts and call log all copied down by me. I have it all. Past month, so days after i gave birth to our third child. I feel really strong when I have all the evidence and i make him quiver.

1.Should I call the girl and get more information?

2.Should i just sit down with him and say i want to make a serious change...we need to get separated imediately and indefinitely?

3.Should i just say that since u have been seeing someone and sleeping with someone for the past month, its time for me to start getting out there on the dating scene. We can live togeher but separate. Live in babysitters.

4. Do i just sit him down and say......"so do you use condoms every time you have sex with (and not in those words) with whats her name?"

One more...he just spent 3 days in jail for tickets. he said he is going tostay home all week and no hanging out.

So my question to that is "if you are going to take a week off of haniging with your"buddies," and stay home, won't you miss(her name) and wont she miss you?

I personally like them all. I want to see what another woman would do in this situation. He is sleeping now and i just want to wake him up and get this started!!!

I am more than fed up. I cant even cry or get mad at this point. I AM FINISHED. But i need to get my final point across by addressing this right before everything changes for good. Please help with constructive feedback

thanks!!

My d-day was last July. I am sorry you have to be here. It's not your fault. You did nothing to cause the A.

What do you want to happen? Do you want to have a better marriage than in the past? If so, for the sake of yourself and the kids and that precious new baby, I would advise that you don't wake him.

If he is still asleep, I would make myself CALM do the following:

1. gather all the evidence - emails, cell records, credit card receipts - and store it somewhere safe in case you need it.
2. find out who the OW is and expose the A to her friends, family, BH.
3. Expose it to your friends and family also. If they work together, expose it to the HR director at their work.
4. Get tested for STDs when you go back to your follow up OB/GYN appointment. They have heard it all; that is who did my STD testing. Since I sobbed through the whole thing (it doesn't physically hurt - just blood tests and a swab), she also put my on anti-depressants so I could function.

There will be more people posting very soon with better advice than I have given you.

But first, you need to be CALM and not tell him what you are doing. The exposure needs to be done without his knowledge and you need all the information you can get first.

Fist, don't call the OW. OP's lie. How many A's has there been? Be patient and do not give away your source!

I really dont think our marriage will change. He cannot resist the streets. He refuses to stay home and do nothing. This has been going on for YEARS. I cant let it go on for anymore. The kids are one thing but....this new baby does not need to grow up like my other two have had.

i was just reading about exposure. I dont want to expose it to his or my friends out of embarrassment. I do have her address and her number.

I have discussed his previous affairs with his mother in the past.

I was tested at my first OB appmt and have not had sex since.

I am so incredibly calm...its scary. im just doing like the previous poster said..gathering my evidence and see what people advise me on here before i approach him tonight.

I would not approach him tonight. It won't work in your favor, in the long run, although I know it is so difficult not hold back! Try, ok?

Glad you got tested and are not having sex.

Planning an exposure and then doing it properly is the best way to kill the A. Once it is dead, you can deal with the marriage.

You don't deserve the marriage you have had and neither do your kids. I agree. 100%. However, you may be able to create a much better marriage with him once the fog from the affair is gone. If you are able to do that, won't you and the kids be better off with it?

Please let the people on this board help you make a plan and follow it. They are wise and experienced and you WILL be better off, I promise. They will help you with your goals not to leave your home and to make a better life for your children whether you stay married or not. Nobody is going to try to keep you in a bad marriage forever.

Can you tell us about his previous affairs? Can you tell us how they were handled?

I feel sick.....

I really feel like i have to deal with this tonight. I caught some of the old texts last week and held it in. I needed more. now i have it. all confirms what i have been feeling.

I know of at least 2 other girls in our entire marriage. we have discussed them. they are never relationships just ongoing sex.

since we have been married, i have regularly caught numbers in his phone. in our early 20s (beginning of marriage) i would call each girl and get the scoop. as long as i was nice they would give me ALL the informationi needed. every time.

i almost feel at peace with addressing this tongiht. very calmly and get my point across. but how to execute it is my issue. I need all of the help i can get.

So you have been married for 9 years and he has had 3 affairs, and they seem to be sexual but not an emotional relationship. Ok, got it.

Have you ever been to counseling together or separately? Do others in either of your families have a history of affairs?

Mrsdhatch-pardon me for the bluntness, but why do you want to save this marriage?

You have been married for only 9 years and your WH seems to have little respect for your vows. You know he has had more than one affair and you suspect many more. He shows little respect for you and your children.

As far as exposure, you have NOTHING to be ashamed of. Your WH has everything to be ashamed of and he should have to be a big boy and deal with the consequences to his actions. Your 9 year old and 7 year old should also be told the truth. They know something is up and they may start to blame themselves.

Hold off on confronting until you have devised a solid plan.

So the question is, what do you need our help with? What is your plan?

Mrsdhatch,

I would not wake him and discuss anything. Not now. Not yet.

First question: Do YOU want to save your marriage or do you just want the best advice you can get to end it?

Second question: If you do want to save it, why? As others have already mentioned, your H has never really respected your vows, so I can totally understand not wanting to save it.

If you just want to end it, I would not say anything to him until you have made all your decisions and consulted an attorney. Then you can just serve him with papers and kick him out.

As far as asking affair partners (or your H for that matter), I would not bother. They will all lie to you, even if you think they may be telling some truths.

Also, as a side note, please continue to get tested for STD's. Just because you tested negative at the beginning of your pregnancy doesn't mean that something won't show up in the next 12 months. I am not trying to scare you, but some things take a while to show up.

Please let us know what we can help you with.

You've got some good advice so far MrsD. I agree with all of it.

Please do not present him with anything right now. Try to be strong for your kids and get your ducks in a row first. That will take much time, but it will be worth it. You can not proceed on your own without making things ugly for everyone involved (including your kids); folks here will help you get a plan together that will help you get to the best end possible.

We've all been where you are. Me, both sides of it unfortunately. I'm heading for D right now. None of this happens over night, it's a long slow painful process, you will feel a multitude of emotions. Right now you are detached and fed up. Tomorrow or Monday you may be scared and lost. If you act on every emotion you will certainly wind up a mess.

If you want to save this marriage, you have to tell us why. I can think of 3 good reasons right now, but I can also think of 3 good reasons to rid yourself of this nightmare.

Read through some threads on this board. See what it takes to save a marriage. Read the Basic Concepts so you know the lingo and get the idea of MarriageBuilders.

No matter what, you have a long road ahead of you. Saving a marriage from adultery is difficult. So is Divorce. I hope you have some support.

Bottom line. Please don't confront him now. It will do you nothing but harm. Gather your evidence and put on a happy face when he's around. Read, read, read. Think and search your soul about what you really want for you and your kids. And keep us posted.

I'm sorry you're here MrsD, but you have come to a good place if you want to help yourself and your children find a better future.

~optimism

Given the situation you've described, I'm not sure exposure would help. These are not really As - your H is just using those women for sex.

My suggestion would be to: Quietly make plans to leave, and then leave.

#1. You just had a baby. Your body is now trying to change back to normal. Do not "fly by/navigate" by what you are feeling right now- not a good time.
#2. You need to get all your facts straight. This includes visitg and atty. Get a realistic view of what your rights are, what is going to happen if you end this M.
#3. You can gain info for exposure, but you only expose if you want to keep the M. Once you expose, your H will NOT change, but become very, very sneeky about his A. I say this because of his other 3 A's.
#4. Who do you have around you for support?

well I did not listen. I confronted him and he just got angry with me for going through his phone. thats all he would talk about. he never answered any of my questions and didnt even tell me who she is or anything. so i was left home last night to wallow in my own tears while he hit the streets to come home at 4AM.

I am over it all. he will never change. i either have to play along or file papers. money is also an issue with regards to filing for a divorce. My mom would help but she is already helping me with the enormous hospital bills that i just received from the birth of my son.

I may just lay low and live in this house together but separate. live like roomates until i can get myself together. i just dont know what to do.

I will just make some me time for me and leave him with the kids every now and again while i get out and treat myself.

with regards to support-i have my mom and thats about it. a few friends as well.

my confrontation last night was disatorous. i shouldve listened to the other posts. i was left feeling stupid. but it may have sealed the deal.

sorry to hear about your situation. my WW was the same exposure was no good cuz theyll just lie and find a way to blame it on you, but if you expose it to EVERYONE you might have a chance. theyll be angry as all hell at first but itll slowly work on them. But ive gotta ask you mention jail time and him "hitting the streets" by this do you mean drugs or alcohol abuse? if so you need to get as far away from this marriage before he destroys your kids. On the other hand if thats not the case what i think you should do is expose to friends and family go into a solid plan A for a while and kind of see where that gos and if theres any hope. If after some time he shows no remorse or no reason to change then hes gone move on. i love this site but the problem here is know one knows about the 15 years youve been with him, so its totally up to you on what you do. my wife had several affairs over the course of our marriage and refused to change i tried until i eventually had no interest in staying with her at all and now shes gone. Unfortunately you mentioned financial struggles which sucks with the new baby and all but if you can find away to get some counciling it will help alot because you can sit down and talk for hours to get the whole picture in view.
hope this helps. best of luck
p.s. even if you do go for the D. keep coming back to this site it will help alot for future relationships

There is no 'deal sealed' here. Don't despair. So....you blew your intelligence and revealed some knowledge and he can hide it better next time.

You live, you learn. Don't fret (more than you need to here).

Use your experience to study, plan and create your path from here. Don't base it on emotions. They will lead you wrong. You must think of learning how to stratgize. How to keep info to yourself and how to come to know yourself as an individual vs part of a team (cause your team mate is not being a good player right now or any time soon).

Vent here. Learn here. Make decisions once you have more knowledge and guess what? He DID come home at 4am! He came home! That tells me that you can get your self together, learn to ignore his cruelty or rather recognize it for what it is (a person who is doing wrong trying to redirect the negativity towards others) and you can thrive. You and the kids can move forward and in the end you will either have your wayward spouse or not but you will have no regrets.

Marriage building is not for the fainthearted or the reactive people. It is for those who are willing to look towards themselves and to become better and more understanding people.

edited to add....more self respecting people.

Okay, relax.

It appears your WH is not planning to change his behavior anytime soon (no surprise there). So, why don't you try to see if MB principles can help you anyway? For me, I have discovered things about myself that have helped me become a better person, father, and potential new husband (someday...). The support I have received here has helped me navigate through my wife's infidelity, and helped me heal from (and understand) my own as well.

Don't think we will abandon you because you didn't listen to us. I'm a good example - I try but can't always follow the plans that good, experienced folks have recommended. But they are still there for me after I pick myself up and dust myself off.

Keep up the posts, ask questions, and take care of MrsD. That's my advice for now.

opt

Oh, well. We have all lost it and given in to our emotions, especially at first. It's a rollercoaster of emotion and sometimes it's pretty difficult to get off that rollercoaster.

I suggest you re-group. Gather more information and evidence and keep it somewhere safe.

Read the MB Basic Concepts and start using them. YOU will feel better because you will have a plan to follow. Your choices aren't JUST to follow along or file papers. You have other choices, too.

Thanks so much for the responses. I will be reading everyone's post over and over again. I feel like I am reacting on emotions, but also fact. His behaviors have repeated themselves over the years. I cannot imagine that it will change.

I will check out the MB principles again. I posted on here a long time ago. pretty much about the same thing that i just posted. I forgave him and here we are again.

I will try my best in ignore his cruelty. I just have to remember that he needs me more than I need him. but again here I am sitting at home alone with my babies. I hope she was worth it....

She is not worth it. One idea that my MC gave me is not to even think of the OW as a person; she wasn't. She is the equivalent of a toy he bought at a sex shop. She was used as a thing to make him feel better about himself.

He isn't going to change on his own. If you start applying the concepts, he may change. The people on this board are brilliant, and their advice is sound and experienced.