New here. Thank you for hearing me out everyone.

My details: Wife cheated for 5 months physical and emotional, I found out a month ago and confronted her. Two kids. Married 10 years. Other man married, two kids as well. My W has broken things off with him. I trust her and she and I are completely committed to saving our marriage and all-and-all things are going relatively good. According to my wife when she finalized things with him, the other guy was scared out of his wits that I will tell his wife even though their marriage is very much on the rocks.

I have this strong urge now to contact him. Just once in his lifetime. I don�t want him to think he has gotten away with something. This would be an email/letter of course. Is there a general rule of thumb of things to say or not say? That may sound like a strange question, but of course I could go into all the gory details on how I want to mangle is pitiful flesh, but I have the feeling that is bad idea.

Skip the OM and call his wife. She's the one you need to expose the A to. She deserves to know what she's married to.

Where did you hear they were 'on the rocks'? Was this something OM told your WW? Because that's one of the oldest lines in the book.

If OM's M was on the rocks he wouldn't care about his wife finding out. I suspect his W thinks their M is just fine.

Welcome Caphnands!

Have you been reading the basics of the MB program? If not, I'd start there and learn as much as you can about the dynamics of an affair.

I agree with the other poster that you should contact the OM's wife and let her know... The reason for this would be to ensure that NC happens.

If you and your W are both committed to rebuilding your M, then I would strongly suggest you both contact the Harleys and start MC with them.

Semper Fi,

RIF

Yes the OM told my wife they were on the rocks, but yes I said to my wife that their marriage may not be good but he likely embelished it. When I told my wife that she was caught off gaurd cause she never thought of him blowing smoke. My wife is not very street smart.

I thought about telling his wife but I fear the possibility of backlash with her freaking out and confronting my wife. My wife said the same thing. We don't want the OW complicating things.

Don't trust that there is no contact.

If your WW is truly committed to saving your M, then she will agree to send a NC for life letter and will agree that the OM's wife should be contacted.

Think of how you would feel in her shoes if the situation was reversed. Would you like to chug along and think everything was ok.

DO NOT TRUST YOUR WW.

Please provide more details. How did you discover? What has she done to show you that there truly is no contact?

Forget contacting OM. That's a dead end. If you truly wish to turn his life upside down, contact his BW. She deserves to know.

Finally, keep in the back of your head that your WW is not trustworthy. Unless she has completely opened all of her contacts, emails, etc, then she might be underground in her contact.

Please provide more info so we have a better idea.

How did your WW and OM meet? Do they work together?

His wife doesn't know? Your contact should be with OM's WIFE, not with OM.


Let's talk here for a minute.

You are just a month out from d-day, the day you found out about the affair.

You have been on the rollercoaster ride of emotions that you probably never dreamed of, right?

One day - or rather, one minute - you feel okay, the next, you are right in the dumpster. You can't figure out what triggered this low, or that need to want to cry, or this crazy sense of rage.

Then the very next minute it seems like you are through it all.

You watch a movie you've seen a dozen times, and you wonder if that actress messed around with the lead actor while making the movie and if she told her husband or not.

You see couples on the street and wonder if the wife is cheating on her husband. You see old couples together for 40 years, and wonder which one of them has cheated.....


And you are depressed because you know that your feelings for your wife have changed and you aren't quite sure how you are going to fix things back to the way they were before. IF you even can fix your heart.

Right now, you are looking at the OM and thinking about HIS role in all of this. Because you want so badly to have someone to blame, someone to punch, someone, anyone, to take out the frustration and anger and ... well ... all of these emotions....


The truth is, Cap, he HAS gotten away with something, hasn't he? He hasn't been held accountable for what he has done because


YOU HAVE PROTECTED HIM.

You did that. You CHOSE not to tell his betrayed wife.

I wonder why?

My guess is because you didn't want to risk losing your wife - she wanted to protect him, right?

That was a very bad decision. You need to UN-protect him. You see, that bad decision puts YOUR family at risk.

Right now, your family is at risk because the OM sees your weakness. He believes - knows - that your wife can have you protect HIM over everything.

Ouch.

And somewhere in there this is making you pretty angry. That anger is now surfacing. It will NOT help your marriage to recover. You will continually think about how you protected the OM, and you will not let this go.

Also, there is another factor in this. You talk about how the OM's marriage is "on the rocks".

The truth about this is questionable. He probably told your wife that his marriage was on the rocks. He is a liar. The truth is that he told your wife this so he could sleep with your wife.

AND, the truth is that his marriage was on the rocks

BECAUSE HE WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH YOUR WIFE.

That is the truth.

Affairs cause problems in marriages. Lies, and secrets, cause problems in marriages.

This happened to YOUR marriage.


And it is also happening in the OM's marriage, right now. Can you imagine how his betrayed wife is feeling right now? She has been fighting against an unknown intruder in her marriage. She probably has NO IDEA why her husband has been a jerk for so long, why she cannot please him, why he fights and blames her. Now, suddenly, he is different, distant, cold.

And she cannot fix the problem.

If ONLY SHE KNEW.


And you sit right there - with the answer - protecting HIM.

You are certainly not protecting their marriage. Not protecting his wife and kids. Because if their marriage has any chance to survive, and his wife's kids have any chance at a two-parent home, his wife will need

the truth of her life

to recover her marriage. OR, if she wants out of that marriage, don't you think she has a right

to

the truth of her life?



Yet, somewhere in your mind, you believe that the right thing to do is to "protect" him?

Actually, perhaps the best thing you could do for him would be to set him on a path of

THE TRUTH OF HIS LIFE.


Which would be to expose the affair to OM's wife, so she and he could address the problem as they should. It would also have the benefit of protecting YOUR marriage. Protecting it from YOUR anger, possible future contact from the OM, and further rumination on this topic by you.


Call OM's wife. Do it today. And don't have any lengthy discussion about it with your wife.

She is still going to want to protect her affair partner. She will want to do that for a very long time.

That, also, is the truth.


A very hard truth.

So expose the affair, right now, to OM's wife. And move forward into the very next phase of the recovery of your marriage, where your wife begins to realize exactly how much this impacted YOU.


SB

The OM's betrayed wife has every right to know what has been done to her.

Your WW and you both need to get tested soon for STD's.

That is wayward speak for, "I don't want OM to be hurt and to stop loving me by upsetting him."

With your WW, trust none of what you hear and half of what you see.

How do you know there is no contact?

His wife must find out.

I'm completely on board with helping someone try to save their marriage when kids are in the picture. Keep in mind, however, the alternative because you must protect your access to your children if it heads down that path.

For now, shelve that thought and tell us what your wife has done to earn your trust back, recommit to the marriage, etc.

Disagree here,

Contacting the OM was the single biggest step in breaking up my wife's affair. Do it as part of the overall exposure plan.

Don't make any threats or ultimatums to the OM, just make it clear to him that you know who he is, what he has been doing with your wife, and that you would like for him to never contact her again. Just like the others, let him know you are trying to save your marriage and keep your family and kids together. He's a father, he will get the message.

Do not shout or become emotional, but don't listen to any of his babble either and don't ask about any details. Do not threaten exposure to his family, you are going to do that anyway.

Expose... expose... expose...

Your wife is protecting her affair partner with rationalization. As long as this stays in the dark, this is much more likely to recur. Tell his wife, she deserves to know and if THEY are to make it, they need to make it with all things on the table. If they don't then at least she will have all the pertinant facts concerning her situation.

Don't confront the MAN... expose to the wife. If she is mad at your wife... well... that is life and reasonable. Just stand by your wife, and this could be a GOOD thing. If your wife isn't in this for the long haul, she will have all sorts of reasons why you should be protecting the other man. And DON'T think that everything is OVER AND DONE. It might have 'stopped' but that doesn't mean that it can't restart. Getting everything out in the open will give you the best possibility to get things going right.

I did NOT expose... and she ended up restarting 4 months later. Had I exposed, I would have had the support of everyone involved. As it was, by the time everything recurred, nobody cared, because she had been blowing smoke for so long.

BTW... I called one of the other men. He was scared out of his mind. I DIDN'T call his wife, and I have regretted it ever since.

Please tell the other wife. To me, it is a moral choice. You know something about her M that is highly important and she doesn't know. She deserves to know so that she can have the same choices you do - leave, stay in the marriage, stay and improve the marriage. She deserves the evidence if she wants to expose. She deserves to know there are secrets.

Even more importantly, she is being cheated on by her WH and maybe not just with your WW. Perhaps her WH sees prostitutes and could give her an STD or even HIV (which could kill her and leave her children without a mother). She should know about her own health and be able to control whether she wants to be exposed.

Please do not tell your wife you are exposing to the other BS.

Huh? Your W has cruelly abused this poor woman by screwing around with her H, and you're both ducking and running because she might 'freak out'? Your W wasn't too worried about that when she was boinking OM, was she?

Your WW more than likely doesn't want the unpleasantness of having to own her actions. Your WW and her OM were the ones who caused complications for all of you.

Please do not allow your WW and her OM to learn that there are no unpleasant results from having an A!

I'm not sure how to post links but I wish I could post my own so you could see my story. I am a FWW. I was in a 4 month A. After Dday #1, my H "trusted me to end it myself." My H and I separated briefly and then finally decided to reconcile. Things were getting betetr and better between us. But guess what, I still dealt with OM at work. We talked weekly on the phone. I felt guilty but not guilty enough to man up and push POSOM to the curb permanently. 3 months later, we had contact again. The next day was Dday #2. 5 minutes into the Dday #2 catastrophe, my H called OMW. We all had a chat on the phone. The A was over from that moment on. PLEASE do yourself and your WW a favor and EXPOSE NOW!!!! You won't be sorry and neither will she.

Yes, Gollum told Wayzilla the same.

She told him our marriage was on the rocks too.

That of course was news to both Gollum's betrayed wife and me.

Wayzilla told me that Gollum's betrayed wife was an adulteress too. Guess what?



On the day I exposed to Gollum's BW Wayzilla came home in a strange and giddy mood. She told me that Gollum had admitted to his wife the night before about their EA and she had taken their 5-month old son and went to her mothers.

I said, �That�s funny! You think she would have mentioned that when I talked to her for an hour this afternoon!�

Guess what?

Thanks all.

I'm overwelmed here at the responses.

First off regarding exposure for morality reasons I disagree. I don't give a tinkers you know what about him or her. Do I feel bad for the OW. Yeah, but again I must reiterate. I trust my wifes judgement and mine in that if the OW finds out there is a potential (all be it slight) of her approaching my wife. I don't want that, cause it may just complicate the whole picture. Is she protecting him? No I honestly don't feel that way. When I said that I might expose the OW, my wife said 'why ruin someone elses life like I have ruined yours' and 'how will that help us do any good in repairing our relationship'. I essentially agree with both her comments. Again, why should I give a crap about the OW? I got more important things to care about than the OWs rights or what she is entitled to.

Let me give more details.

Yes they work together and met there. They are in different buildings and the NC is 'almost' there. 'Almost' doesn't cut it, I know. My wife said 'at least we aren't in the same cubical farm', which they once were when this all started. They are more likely to see each other at a local restaurant during lunch break. Will they cross paths again, yes at some point it is inevitable and my wife has told me that. I asked her what she would do and she said she would say 'hi, its not like I can ignore him'. She can't quit her job. She is amazingly happy there and has an excellent career. I explained to her the NC rule and yesterday she did find a job doing just what she does now. She was going to get her resume updated and apply, although she is apprehensive about doing so. I told her that him being there at the job is going to be an ongoing problem. Now, if I exposed him to OW I do see the advantage in that maybe she will make him quit(?)

My wife is joined to the hip with me. she is home every day at 5. 48 hours with me on weekends. She lets me access to her work email, texts, home email, etc. I know I'm new here and don't mind to stir up things, but I'm disappointed (for lack of a better word) at the instant fear mongering that she is still lieing or sneaking around. I apologize if that didn't come out right. I know I havn't provided enough details. Is she still snowing me over, no way. My wife has zero street smarts and can't lie to anyone. I can read her like a book. Maybe I couldn't completely then, but I sure as hell can now.

I really do appreciated the replies.

Yeah, my WxW said all the same.

WxW and OM worked for the same company in separate facilities 65 miles apart in different cities. 21 days after NC there was a meeting at her facility and he was there. One week later WxW left our house for good and 4-months later the divorce was final on our 26 year marriage.

I am not aware of a single marital recovery on these boards in the over 3-years I have been here where work contact remained.

You are smoking on a powder keg.

Sorry - didn't mean to fear monger. I just wanted to tell you my story so you could see the benefits of exposure. Yes, the fear mongering is depressing here. But, it is based in tired and true methods. It is great that you guys are joined at the hip and are making strides toward R. Just wanted to point out the benefits of exposing . . . . For a former wayward like myself to be talking about how great exposure is ought to say something about how powerful it is for R. I was the one exposed and I am so glad my H did it. I only wish he had done it sooner.

Good luck!!

As I wish the other BS had found and told me rather than believing that our marriage was over, etc. He didn't, he just divorced the OW.

His refusal to find me and tell me put my health at risk. I do think that is morally wrong. I found and told him 8 months later, when I found out, and he is using the evidence I gave him of her poor mothering in court to get custody of their young son.

Sorry, but I think I did the moral thing. He now regrets not doing it when he had the chance and sparing me the pain I went through.