I DEMAND IT!!!!

Locking a thread that has out lived it's usfullness and banning a poster is differant.

No, you DEMAND it!!

Why?

Hi Bingo,

As a farily recent member here, I have some of mine own observations about your situation. You may totally reject them, and they are not meant to be harsh, but just what I see.

1. The post of your statements "I did love her the last time I slept with her" and "I made a committment that I should have stuck to" should be revealing to you. If we really love someone we also respect that person and, in the case of marital love, we honor our committment to that person - our vows. Please go back to page 12 of your thread for Jan. 8. It took you that many pages to admit that your relationship with your current wife began as an affair. In doing so you disrespected your first wife and your marriage. You are getting flak because all of the people here, myself included, (and about 85% of American adults per a survey I saw awhile ago) firmly believe that an affair is morally wrong. When I use the term affair I simply mean adultery. From what I see in your posts you have stopped far short of admitting this. It really doesn't matter if you were in the last day of your previous marriage before it officially ended.

2. I'm also sort of feeling that you may be still feeling some recriminations that you didn't try harder to preserve your first marriage. Do you ever feel that your AP at that time diverted your focus and attention from working with your first wife to preserve that marriage?

3. You have stated that you have a drinking problem, spent time in rehab. Are you in AA? If not, why not? Let me tell you as a recovering alcoholic, you are stacking the deck against you and your marriage if you are not dedicated to sobriety on a daily basis with proper support(i.e. AA).

4. I am still honestly confused about your primary reason for seeking help here. You stated and the title of your thread is "I cannot get over my wife's ONS". Yet you have spent oodles of pages getting off track from that by resisting, justifying your own situation and behavior, and insulting some here. Bingo, please go back and read most of the posts to you, especially in pages 1-20. Getting over over it involves a) learning and putting into practice the MB concepts, b) taking seriously the advice and coaching by the other members here, and c) and at least making an attempt to clear your mind of all the negatives, including the sodid specific details of what happened. Have the two of you even done the basic task of learning about EN's and completing the EN questionnairs? Have you read other peoples threads to get a flavor of what others are successfully doing? If you seriously work WITH your W on these things, the negatives, including your obession, will gradually ease in time.

5. I may have missed this if you did post about it (I didn't read every post in your thread), but does your first W know that you were engaged in an affair before your D was final. My thought is, have you apologized to her? Has your currnet W apologized to her? She was part of this affair. I just throw this out as a possible small way of making at least some small amends for this. Your first W could elect to accept of reject it. In AA part of the process of recovery is the Ninth Step..."Made direct amends to such people (we had harmed) whereever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others." Just a suggestion.

Bingo, I only pass on to you these obervations because I see you floundering. They are for you to take or leave. You have spent a ton of energy here posting. As a business owner and operator, would you invest this much time and energy in a project that you knew may flounder in the end?

Regards, and best of luck,

Tom

OMG...so NOW the "I cannot get over my wife's one night stand" issue is really "I can't get over my wife's rape"?????

You weren't together, you weren't married, you don't care what rules she lives by and you were "UPSET" at HER because she was raped????

W

I do apologise, bingo. I see that you said, later in the post, that this happened over a year ago.
I hope you can see that, in the passage I underlined in my earlier post, I was mistaken about the date. I'm sorry that I insinuated that the child might not be yours.

Nice !

Thankyou sugarcane . Accepted wholeheartedly .
I'll post more later, this has become a little overwhelming . Things have changed since I was last here . Good and bad . I need to talk, but am going to find it difficult if I am to be the subject of a witch hunt again .

Witch-hunt?

You're in an affairage; upset at a rape....you deserve to be hounded.

Bingo, I don't think it is a witch hunt as much as confusion. I am confused trying to follow this conversation, and I trying to follow it with the intention of understanding and helping/being helped by it all. Honest.

What I have gleaned is that your current marriage began as an affair, your current wife was raped by someone she kissed, and you are upset that she had a ONS. Is this correct? Is the ONS also the rape?

I also gleaned that you are having a new baby soon? Congrats if this is the case. Yet another reason to fix this marriage and move it forward. Your new little one deserves two parents in a strong good marriage!

Versus


I'm confused too...were these the same incident??? If it is, then one of these must be a lie....Why???

Mr. W

I smell a troll. If you're going to lie at least pick one lie and stick with it.

But you said he was barred. How do you know he was barred? We know the thread was locked because it had served its purpose and was wandering off-topic.

Yes, this is precisely why we are ALL confused by this thread...there is a lot of conflicting information. I think that it stems from Bingo trying to justify every "mistake" he has ever made instead of owning up to them.

ok, ok !
I was married many years ago and divorced. Some months after I had moved out, tried counselling and everything else available we called it quits. Thats my ex wife and I, to save confusion. We had kids and that was hard, but it was mutual with no particular angst and we get along fine now as distant friends with a common interest in our children. About six months after I left my marital home and after all options were exhausted, I met my current wife. We did not get together properly until my divorce was final some months after we met and I suppose, if memory serves me, that would have been about 11-12 months after I left my ex wife.
I hope that clears that up. I regret that my marriage failed, I was very young and not in love, and certainly not in the marriage frame of mind when my girlfriend announced that she was pregnant. At age 20 with little worldly wisdom I thought that it would be honerable to stick by her and be a father and husband. We had many more downs than ups but a couple of years later contraception failed and my second son was born. No regrets about that.
Cutting a very long story short, I had another house that I lived in for 7 of our 10 year marriage for a good portion of the time to give my children some sort of "family life" but there were years, and i mean years where we didn't sleep together (sex wise) and I became a father and provider and a reasonably loyal, but extremely lonely husband.
Enough became enough and we decided that we would seek advice and that didn't work and as such we decided quite amicably to divorce so that we could both get on with life. I was 30 at the time.
So, cut to recent years.
I met my current wife as described above and was not really terribly clever at traditional relationships. I was controlling and, to be honest, a bloody idiot for the majority of our relationship. I avoided marriage even after we had had two children and basically treated my partner like a door mat. All of my actions are described in past posts. I was a complete bast@�d.
Cut to 2008 Dec 28th. My wife wished to attend a family party and as usual I objected to us all going. She dragged the kids along without me and as such I was home alone. I had one of my "moods" and finished the relationship as I had done on countless occasions and told her to stay at the party and stay over night and I would pack her bags. She was heartbroken and for the first time since I have met her drank alcohol. Not only did she drink, she got completely drunk.
Feeling lonely, dejected, rejected and generally confused, she ended her night by kissing a very, very distant step relative who was also drunk and took a kiss to mean something entirely different.
My wife (then partner) admitted that she had kissed the guy and that things had got out of hand, but was odd about details and certainly very upset by the whole thing.
We had a great deal to discuss and without going into vast and well known detail, we worked out our issues and have been very happy since. BUT.......I was unsure of her motives and whether there was more to her ONS. I was convinced that there must have been more to this and that for her, to do such a thing, totally out of character must have meant that she was hiding something.
I did the usual. Checked emails, phone, movements etc etc. Nothing. I then suggested a lie detector test. She agreed.
When she told her story to the man doing the test, he said that it was his duty to report the matter as rape as she was not willing to do anything other than have a kiss and the whole thing one sidedly got way out of hand. She stated that it was not rape and that she would answer any questions regarding the evening in question and wanted that to be the end of it. She passed all of the questions including whether she wanted a relationship with the guy, whether she wanted sex and whether she had been unfaithful at any other time.
So, we had a bit of muck to clear up, but for all intents and purposes we had truth and a clear picture of what happened.
I obsessed and felt that something was not right and eventually, quite recently was faced with the reality that he had been slightly more forceful that my wife (now) ha let on, and that she did not wish to cause a family rift because of it.
She eventually wrote a statement to state what had happened and we are in the process of deciding what charges to press, if any as this would really throw a spanner in our very harmonious life.
We have been married for 16 months and this, even though the guy only managed to enter her for a split second, has played on my mind, which is why I came here in the first place.
The man in question, when I exposed the fact that i knew about the events admitted that my wife (then partner) wanted nothing more than a kiss and he was a little "excited".
My trouble is that I keep playing it over in my head. Not so much now, but when I first came here it was damaging my sanity. I couldn't believe that my wife would do such a thing and that there had to be more to it, and more commitment on her part, but in truth I am dealing with an entirely different animal to the one I came here for.
My gripe was that I was lambasted almost instantly for the way I met my wife and that help seemed to focus on that for good or bad. That still seems to be the case in parts, but there you have it. The truth.
I hope that answers all.
peace

How old are you now?

Did any of you go on a thread and get that overwhelming feeling that you have posted and read the same things before, like you are posting and reading in vain...you know like deja vu?

I think I had a dream about this exact thread before. Maybe its just me.

42 .
Never written this before . Thanks for the support though.

Actually , I'm 42 in July . Sorry . I try to forget my age, but it cones back to haunt .

I dont know about that bingo. You should read this thread from the beginning...its like the bermuda triangle and deja vu mixed...Like the same things being written over and over again. Do do do do, Do do do do....The twilight zone thats it!

But I keep falling for it so I only have myself to blame.

perhaps thats why you are stillhere ?
Sorry though, i was just re-explaining some of what was asked.
It is as if people consider every word written to be some sort of fabrication.
How is my age relevant, for instance ?