So you future wife was raped but it's her fault because she kissed the guy?

I hope you don't have daughters.

I have a daughter and one on the way . I don't blame her, I only blame her for kissing the guy ! She got herself into a situation and in hindsight could have stopped it , screamed , whatever, but froze . I don't blame her for his actions only hers prior to things getting out of control . I have been forced to blame her on this site .

What do you mean - first you say you blame her for her actions prior to things getting out of control. Then you say you've been forced to blame her on this site.

Huh?

Right ! She kissed a man. That is infidelity right ?
He took that to mean he had carte blanche to do as he wished . She was too drunk to react quickly and all I have described previously happened .
She did not want sex, but attention . It is a very confused set of circumstances that involves infidelity that went beyond what she wished it to be . I don't know how else to describe it , but if you read the posts, she reacted in a way that was firstly unfaithful and then lost control of the situation . Many people here have questioned her motives and her intent . That's what I mean . Sorry for any confusion .

Also , I am not a woman . She described it as " going into automatic mode whilst trying to keep his hands away from my pyjama bottoms and figuring out what to do whilst in an unfarmilliar drunken state " .
It may make sense to the more feminine here .
What I do know , as a man, is that we are mire physical and you wonderful ladies are more emotional . You tell me !?

What would the FM's on this board call this?
From page 1 of Bingos original post

So at a family party last Christmas (which, as usual, I did not attend) I rang her to ask her not to stay the night but this time she said that she would like to have a drink and not get the kids out of bed and bring them home when they were comfortable where they were. She never or rarely drank alcohol and in very small quantity if she did. I did my usual and reacted angrily, sent her a text or two basically calling her names and finishing (again) the relationship telling her that her bags were packed. She got extremely drunk in the company of people more her age and at the end of the night, apparently completely drunk, kissed a man who had shown her kindness all night as she had been devastated by my texts and call. He, it appears got a little over excited as all she wanted was just a kiss to comfort her and make her feel �loved� as she put it. He whipped his clothes off and basically like an excited puppy tried his hardest to have sex with her. She said no and managed to keep her pyjamas on (they had all got changed earlier in the evening as it was a family home, nothing strange in that) for the majority of the time but after trying to resist he managed to force her pyjamas down enough to enter her. At this point se pushed him off, he came back for more but she didn�t want it and thought the only way out was to give him a BJ as she finds it non giving of herself and unemotional. Seems odd, but I know this to be true. They were disturbed by a dog barking within seconds of the BJ starting, she then made excuses and went to bed immediately. Because he was a member of her extended step family she stayed in contact in a very minor way to ensure that there was no ill feeling or that anyone would have found out as it would have caused major embarrasement

Nesre

Yes, it was definitely a rape....and as a lot of rape victims, she somehow blames herself. NO means NO....she needs empathy for sure. She needs understanding and support...she was not married and she kissed someone. She did nothing wrong. What it turned into for her was horrific, in my opinion.

We need to get this board locked...

nesre
Member

Registered: 01/02/08
Posts: 318
Loc: 10k taxes state Bingo

How are you helping your wife to heal?

Please explain or better yet put your wife on so WE can help her to heal...

Nesere

BINGOS RESPONSE


WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO HELP YOUR WIFE-gf-pARTNER DEAL WITH BEING RAPED?????????? VERBAL AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE USUALLY DON'T BRING PARTNERS CLOSER TOGETHER.............



4-27-2010
bingo





2-28-2010

[quote]And for mr w
I was wrong to be unfaithful to my ex wife . Very wrong . My wife was wring to do the same to me . Never again for either of us ! [quote=bingo]
[quote=MaiMai]
Wait...can we get a re-run? I thought the second wife wasn't a wife yet when she gave the BJ under duress? If it was really rape how was she unfaithful (wife or not)?

Careful what you call rape, some here have experienced it. It's not some f'n term to toss around.
If she was raped you are the most insensitive clod I've ever seen around here.

Sorry for the delay in my response. Obviously, having read what you very kind people have written puts a different complexion on the whole thing.
When I came here in the first place, some months ago, I explained the whole story exactly the same way as I am doing now.
What seemed to happen is that focus very quickly was diverted to my previous relationships, words like �WW� �KARMA� �AFFAIRAGE� were being thrown in my direction and absolutely no attention was being paid to the fact that my wife, then GF was, in fact, compromised.
The reason I was struggling is that my good lady could not tell me the truth at first as she knew that I would have reacted very badly indeed and possibly created a massive issue in an already fractured family. I thought that the fact that she was not willing to tell me the truth was because she was hiding something and became obsessive about it. Then the lie detector and as such the rest is history.
I found it very difficult that my good lady would not define what had happened and she did indeed blame herself for starting the whole thing and not stopping it when it got out of hand. I suppose that as she did not cry rape at the time and did not wish to pursue the matter, I suspected that there must have been something more.
The other thing that made me wonder and press her on the matter is that she is extremely moral. You will read that I mentioned that she admitted to a 3 minute misdemeanor in the first 6 months of our relationship. That was going for a cigarette alone with a male work colleague, such is her view of boundaries.
When I questioned the man at the Christmas party, he admitted to her saying no and also admitted to her not wanting anything other than an initial kiss. He did however try to flower things up a little to make himself look more innocent. Obviously !
My wife has stated that just because someone kisses another or kisses back, does not mean that she wanted sex.
My wife does not want to press charges for two reasons. Firstly because of the massive amount of trouble in her family it would cause and her embarrassment and secondly because she would not wish to go through the whole process anyway.
She blames herself and I have to admit that because of this I thought it her fault entirely for a period.
Because I could never imagine not stopping something if someone said no to me, I found it very difficult to imagine how someone could do this.
The problem is that my wife is so kind and lovely by nature that she would not wish to upset anyone. So she found herself in an impossible situation. Should she tell me everything and watch a bomb go off. Should she tell me a little and protect all concerned by minimizing the impact and keeping everything on more of an even keel. Or should she lie to me and say nothing happened and hope it all went away and life resumed and she could then deal with the issues that our challenging relationship was presenting. She chose the latter but eventually my questioning and attempted exposure meant that we went through all of the above in reverse order.
I am truly grateful to have had a female opinion on this because it made no sense to me.
I vow never to mention this to my wife again in an accusatory way and also vow to support her should she require it in whatever form it takes.
I am truly sorry to have offended anyone with this and am now wondering what to do next.
Nothing my wife has ever done in our entire time together has been proved to be anything but truthful. Trust me I have tried everything. Exposure is a big thing on this forum and even though I did not post until a few months ago, I have been reading for a while.
So there it is. I need help in a different way than I thought.
Perhaps if we can avoid the �affairage�, �karma� aspects of peoples thoughts on my situation, someone could help me/us ensure that we get through this in a sensitive way with empathy and support for my dear and lovely wife.
Many, many thanks.

WOW.

"I found it very difficult that my good lady would not define what had happened and she did indeed blame herself for starting the whole thing and not stopping it when it got out of hand."

In a relationship with you, on a date with OM, kisses OM....

They cheat with you they cheat on you...

Both of you are broken..

I have read enough. This is to crazy to be real.

The Road.
My wife was not on a date with anyone !
I am happy that you will now go. The "cheating" is not what you think.
Who's the broken one ?
Nesre. Thank you so much. I will seek the best advice possible. FYI the openness and honesty that we should have had in place in our marriage are in place. We were not married at the time of all of this. I am not trying to justify, merely pointing out that we have employed all that I have learned here in our marriage. Some things though, even the best text books don't take into account. I am incredibly grateful to you for seeing through what others couldn't/wouldn't . Bless you.

Here's something in your retelling that's been bothering me: What man was doing what test?

He is the most qualified man in the country in this field. He works all over the world doing polygraph tests. Don Cargill. www.nationalpolygraphs.co.uk
My wife begged him not to say anything legally because of the family situation.
Why do you ask ?

also. I stated that in my first post.

I wasn't sure if it was a medical test or the polygraph. Thanks for clarifying.

Yes. I thought if we were to go through this then I would only employ the absolute best as the service would be sympathetic and sensitive bearing in mind the trauma we were both going through prior to that.